1. The Ask: Invitation to Engagement
April 10, 2018
Deborah Reidy
Tom Doody
O. Sophia Johansson

2. Friendship Projects’ Recent History
Commissioner Elin Howe Initiates Efforts
Increased Inclusion in Regulations
Real Friends—Raising the Possibility
Widening the Circle—Implementation Efforts
Creating Our Common Wealth—Leadership Toward Social Inclusion and Friendship
Pathways to Friendship—Thirteen Agencies Implementation Training and Consultation
Pathways to Friendship Expanding Next Year

3. Framing Question
How can we best spend a day with participants in Pathways and Creating Our Common Wealth to increase the likelihood of people being served enjoying more friendships with people from outside the usual circles of other service recipients, staff, and families?

4. Agenda Frame the Day, Clarify the Vision
Developing Individual Support Plans
Individual Reflection & Group Discussion
Practice Talking About, Making the Ask to Invite Others
Break
Unconscious Bias, Devaluation and How to Offset as the Asker
Lunch
Benefits and Facilitators Around the Invitation to Relationship
The Ask: Call to Action
What Doing the Work Requires
Wrap Up

5. “The Vision”
Our purpose is to increase social inclusion, freely-given friendships, and other meaningful relationships between people with and without disabilities…
So that over time communities embrace the gifts, talents and capacities of citizens of all abilities…
To the benefit of all.

6. Some Elements of Freely-given Friendship
Freely-Given/Unpaid
“Belongs” to Friends—Not Managed by Others
Presence/Sufficient Contact
Enduring/Long-term and/or Renewable
Flexible/Changing/Evolving/Growing
Emotionally Engaged/Caring/Heartfelt
Honesty/Trust/Openness
Practical Support/Help in Times of Need
Mutually Rewarding—Perhaps Not Equal

7. Individual Reflection: Personal Status in Relation to the Vision
How do I define the vision to myself?
Is my involvement changing my understanding of what’s important to the people I serve? What is changing?
Is my involvement changing my understanding of my job? On priorities at work? How? Any work role changes?
Am I considering any changes in my personal life?
Have I talked to others about friendship building? If yes, what happened? If no, what would it take?

8. Well Crafted Individual Relationship Support Plans
Culturally Valued Analogue—Bring the Ordinary to Consciousness
Plans Tailored to Individual Relationship and Relationship Support Needs
Principles of the Relationship Supporter Role
These elements combine to form an
Individualized Support Plan
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9. Bringing Ordinary Relationship Lessons To Consciousness
For People in General
For Different Age-Groups
For Different Subcultures
For Different Situations
For Different Kinds of Relationships
Asking Ourselves—Interrogating Our Experience
Asking Others—Interrogating Their Experience

10. Lessons about All Relationships
All People Need a Range of Relationships with Others
Deep, Enduring Commitment Is Needed in Some Relationships
First Engagement is the Necessary First Step
First Impressions Matter
Opportunities Require Effort—Often Invitation—To Bear Fruit
Getting to Know One Another Involves Efforts to Discover Affinities
Relationships Continue to Evolve with Ups and Downs
Even Good Friends Will Cause Some Hurts
Attention and Effort Will Bring More Friends Despite Inevitable Delays and Setbacks

11. Lessons From The Ordinary: Deepening Roles & Relationships
School—Classmate to School Friend
Work—Coworker to Work Friend
Home—Neighbor to Neighbor Friend
Church—Fellow Parishioner to Church Friend
Formal Group—Member to Colleague
Informal Group—Presence to “Regular”
Family—Weddings/Funerals to Closest Ally

12. Well Crafted Individual Relationship Support Plans
Culturally Valued Analogue—
Bring the Ordinary to Consciousness
Plans Tailored to Individual Relationship and Relationship Support Needs
Principles of the Relationship Supporter Role
These elements combine to form an
Individualized Support Plan

13. Individualized Support Plans Foundation
Know the Person—Facts
Past Present Future
Where? With Whom? Doing What? Roles?
Strengths and Limitations
Opportunities for Relationship and Belonging
Know the Person as a Whole Person
Identify: Understandings and Insights
Needs: Support Needs for Relationship and Belonging

14. Individualized Support Plans Levels Of Support
None—Get Out of the Way
Minimal—Suggestions and Encouragement
Guidance—Ideas and Coaching
Behind—Background Presence and Help
With—Presence and Active Assistance
For—Inviting, Arranging and Doing
To—Create and Structure Good Opportunity

15. Well-crafted Individual Relationship Support Plans
Culturally Valued Analogue—Bring the Ordinary to Consciousness
Plans Tailored to Individual Relationship and Relationship Support Needs
Principles of the Relationship Supporter Role
These elements combine to form an
Individualized Support Plan

16. Principles of the Supporter Role: Preparing Oneself
Maintain Clarity of Purpose
High Expectations for All Involved Parties
Consciousness of Benefits, Obstacles and Facilitators
Truly Respecting and Valuing People
Modeling Desirable Patterns of Interaction
Plan and Prepare and Adapt Thoughtfully for One Person
Follow Image Enhancing Practices
Encourage Interaction and Engage Openness
Explore Possibilities for Repeat Contact
Adequate Support and Minimal Presence
Act and Ask—Try Again—Be Persistent

17. The Problem is Devaluation
Different in Ways Seen as Significant
Person or Group Defined by Difference
Differentness is Valued Negatively
Person or Group is Valued Negatively
Leads to Negative Responses from Others
DEVALUATION, NOT DISABILITY,
IS THE PROBLEM TO ADDRESS

18. Ingroup/Outgroup Bias
Ingroup Bias: Perceiving people who are similar to you more positively than people who are more different than you.
Outgroup Bias: Perceiving people who are different from you more negatively than people who are more similar to you.
Lieberman, Rock, Halvorson & Cox, 2015
S: (Similarity) because brains automatically categorize people into ingroups and outgroups, we are biased to think people like me are better than others.
E: (Experience) brains are wired to think we see the world as it is and we therefore assume “my perceptions are accurate.”
Together, they contribute to something we call social devaluation

19. Mitigating Devaluation: Revaluation
Implement strategies to help people in the outgroup become members of the ingroup (and/or be perceived as more like me than different)
There are several proven strategies to mitigate devaluation. For our purposes today, this one is what we are going to focus on. It’s at the heart of

20. Threat Response: Physical to Social=
Could it be that Maslow had it wrong? Neuroscientists think so! The brain equates social needs as important to survival as much as physical needs, the bottom of that hierarchy of needs. For example, social humiliation registers in the brain as strongly as a physical injury. If you think of the last time you felt humiliated, you probably still wince from the pain!
© NeuroLeadership Institute 2015, and SEEDS is TM NeuroLeadership Institute 2015

21. The Brain’s Organizing Principle

22. S C A R F
© NeuroLeadership Institute 2015, and SEEDS is TM NeuroLeadership Institute 2015

23. Benefits & Facilitators Around the Invitation to Relationships
People with Disabilities—Your person
Their Families—Your person
Potential Friends—Your person
Community Associations
Staff and Service Systems
Our Communities

24. The Art of the Ask
Genuine enthusiasm about the person’s and the potential friend’s gifts and potential
Communicate the benefits for us all—for communities
Communicate the ask as an invitation rather than an exhortation
Be clear and honest about the invitation
Offer people “doable” things to do together
Create some time and space for consideration
Carefully gauge the level of commitment being asked
Be conscious of the SCARF Model
Be gently persistent, with the other’s permission

25. Generating the “Chutzpa”
“I’m excited”
Assume positive intent of all involved parties
Remember the reality of unconscious bias: maintain compassion—Admit own struggles
Harness the power of vision (“What we carry in our thoughts tend to become manifested.”)
Remember how important this is for the people we serve—and our commitment to address their pressing needs

26. Foundations for “Yes” from Fundamental Beliefs and Values
Faith—Religious and/or moral teachings
Social Justice—Speaking for fairness of others
Community building—Bridging social capital
Relationship enrichment—Interdependence and shared growth
Personal experience—Standing by others facing similar challenges
A.J. Hildebrand

27. Preparing for Inevitable “No”s
Remember:
How important relationships are for us all—especially when we have few
The time and effort we put into our own relationships—especially when there’s a void
Relationships are hard for us all—how loneliness and rejection hurt
The central importance of good relationships
To learn, and not to blame, then try again
Each “no” is one step closer to “yes”

28. Conclusion: Getting Started
Embrace Importance of Friendship & Belonging
Know Community Belonging and Freely-Given Relationships are Possible for Everyone
Know That Each of Us—No Matter Our Current Role—Can Take Positive Action
Live Inclusive Friendship and Belonging in Your Own Life First—Legitimate Invitation to Others