1. Commentary
So What?

2. Concrete Detail Definition
Specific details, evidence used to support a topic sentence
CONCRETE DETAILS
are
facts
specifics
examples
descriptions
support
proof or
evidence about a topic in an essay.
Review definition on slide
Point out that concrete details are facts, reference back to beginning of lesson where the students started out with remembering the definition of a fact. Make connection of fact and concrete detail.
Need help explaining concrete used in construction and concrete being something you can point out and see to how this relates to concrete details in writing- need help figuring out how to word this

3. Commentary Definition
Your comments about a topic
COMMENTARY
means your
opinion
interpretation
insight
analysis
personal response
feeling or
evaluation about a concrete detail in an essay.
Review slide and give the definition of commentary.
Focus on the word “comments” within the word commentary, this may help kids remember that commentary in writing is really your comments or feelings about a concrete detail.
Also, note the bolded word “opinion” and make reference back to the beginning of the lesson when students were asked to recall the definition of opinion. Let students know that opinion is really another way to describe commentary.
For teachers:
FYI- The commentary you will be teaching your students is known as personal commentary. It is a students’ thoughts about a concrete detail. There is another type of commentary known as literature commentary. This is commentary used in response to reading a piece of literature. At middle school, we will not be addressing this type of commentary.

4. How are concrete details different from commentary?
FACTS
specifics
examples
descriptions
support
proof
evidence
OPINION
interpretation
insight
analysis
personal response
feeling
evaluation
This is just another format to show the different terms associated with concrete detail and commentary. The words were taken right of the definition slides, this is just another way to help kids remember the difference.

5. How will commentary help my writing?
It will make your essays much more interesting to read
It will improve the voice in your writing
It will require you to use higher level thinking
It gives more support to your concrete detail
Go through points on how commentary will help writing.
Can anybody think of other ways commentary will help writing?
It is also important to note to 8th grade teachers and to pass along to students that commentary is only being introduced in 8th grade. There is no expectation that 8th grade students master the use of commentary before leaving 8th grade. The goal is only to introduce the skill and make attempts at using it in writing. 9th grade teachers have requested we introduce and they work with incoming 9th graders at refining and deepening their use of commentary.

6. Beware… Commentary is hard to write It requires a lot of thinking
Insightful commentary demands extra effort
It will take practice to get good at it
Commentary does not have right answers
It could take more than 3 months of practice to feel confident and fluent about writing commentary
If you keep at it, commentary will get easier
Just read and discuss the warnings about the difficulty of writing commentary

7. How will you add commentary into your writing?
Begin by following this paragraph formula-
Sentence One: Topic sentence (TS)
Sentence Two: Concrete Detail (CD)
Sentence Three: Commentary (CM)
Sentence Four: Concrete Detail (CD)
Sentence Five: Commentary (CM)
Sentence Six: Concluding sentence (CS)
This paragraph format is a good place to begin with including commentary. It gets kids used to adding commentary in small chunks in relation to a concrete detail. Of course, as the teacher you can decide to alter this format. Some teachers prefer to have students state the topic sentence, give 2 concrete details, and then add just one piece of commentary at the end of the paragraph. This commentary would be in reference to the two concrete details.

8. 2 Concrete Details per paragraph
In order to write commentary you first need to have elaborated concrete details.
Your concrete details must include:
Description
Examples
Anecdotes
Facts/Statistics
SHOW DON’T TELL!!!
DEAF is a technique to encourage kids to elaborate the concrete details. There is a district anchor lesson that teaches kids how to use the DEAF technique. You may request this anchor lesson from your Instructional Facilitator.

9. Example of a paragraph with elaborated concrete details
Topic sentence
My bedroom is the place where I like to relax and let go of the day’s worries. For example, I can play any music I want, from my dad’s old jazz recordings of Miles Davis to my own Chris Brown MP3 files. In addition, in my room I have a large screen 42” plasma TV with all my favorite Simpson episodes recorded.
This is just one example of a paragraph that uses the elaboration technique of specific examples to make sure the concrete detail is meaty enough to lend itself to meaningful commentary. It is very difficult to have meaningful commentary if the concrete detail is weak, lacks elaboration. Having kids use DEAF to help with elaborated concrete details is a great way to encourage show vs. tell in the concrete details. The sentence starter, For example,… is a nice reminder for students who struggle with getting started with a concrete detail. For example,… is just one way to lead into a concrete detail.
Concrete Details that use
specific examples

10. How should I start my commentary? Use a sentence starter
This shows that…
There are many sentence starters for helping kids write commentary in relation to a concrete detail. The above sentence starter is a great one to start with and you can add additional sentence starters as you continue to teach commentary. The ultimate goal when teaching commentary is to not use sentence starters, but it is helpful to start with them until kids are more comfortable writing commentary.
Other commentary sentence starters-
This illustrates how……
This might prove that….
This illuminates the possibility that……
This points out that……

11. Choice Topics
Paul’s family deals with unexpected consequences after they buy the house in Windsor Downs.
Paul’s meeting with Joey gives him a new outlook on his neighborhood.
Paul’s visit to his new school makes him disappointed about his move.

12. Now let’s look at commentary in a paragraph
My bedroom is the place where I like to relax and let go of the day’s worries. For example, I can play any music I want, from my dad’s old jazz recordings of Miles Davis to my own Chris Brown MP3 files. This shows that my various musical interests help me to wind down after a long hard day at school and sports practice. In addition, in my room I have a large screen 42” plasma TV with all my favorite Simpson episodes recorded. This shows that my room is a place I can flop on my bed and zone out while I listen while Bart makes his family’s life crazy. Bedrooms are a place where a teenager can regroup after a long day. TS CD CM CD
(I DO)
Read the paragraph to the students, as you are reading point out parts of paragraph.
Point out that concrete detail (CD) is always followed by commentary (CM).
Point out the sentence starter for each piece of commentary, “This shows that…”
Point out that the commentary is detailed, it doesn’t just say something like, “This shows that I like music.” or “This shows that I like my TV.”
In addition to reading the paragraph, copy this slide and have students highlight and label the different parts of the paragraph copying what is up on the screen. You can pick any three colors. You don’t have to use the three on the power point slide, blue-pink-green. Whatever colors you do pick make sure to use them over and over and stay consistent with the colors. If you do change the colors you may want to change the font color on the slides to match your colors.
FYI- In this example, you can see the commentary is very formulaic but over time and with a lot of practice the commentary will become much more natural. This is only possible though if the concrete detail is elaborated. CM CS

13. Now it is your turn- let’s highlight and label!
The classroom was chaotic and loud. The student desks were a mess, paper littered the floor, and spit balls were stuck to the ceiling. This shows that the room was a complete disaster and repulsively dirty. Paper airplanes were flying and one kid even opened up a window and threw out a sharpened pencil strategically aimed at an innocent student. This shows that the teacher had lost control and the students didn’t respect her or each other. The classroom was a complete debacle.
(WE DO)
Make copies of this slide and pass out on to each student.
With a partner, have students highlight the topic sentence, concrete details, commentary, and concluding sentences with the correct colors. Also, have the students label the sentences- TS, CD, CM, CS
When students are done, show next slide so students can check their highlighting and labeling to see if the highlighted and labeled correctly.

14. Did you highlight and label correctly?
The classroom was chaotic and loud. The student desks were a mess, paper littered the floor, and spit balls were stuck to the ceiling. This shows that the room was a complete disaster and repulsively dirty. Paper airplanes were flying and one kid even opened up a window and threw out a sharpened pencil strategically aimed at an innocent student. This shows that the teacher had lost control and the students didn’t respect her or each other. The classroom was a complete debacle. TS CD CM CD
Answer key for kids to use to check if they correctly highlighted and labeled the previous slides paragraph. CM CS

15. Let’s try it again- highlight and label!!!
Recently, I went to the beach with my family. The day we went it was stormy and black clouds seemed to hang in the air deliberating as to whether to drop bucket loads of water on my family. This shows that the weather at the beach can sometimes be unpredictable and annoying. The wind was strong causing the waves to crash loudly on the shore. The undertow of some waves nearly swept us out to sea. This shows that being at the beach on a stormy day can be dangerous. This outing with my family is one I will not forget.
Have students highlight and label this paragraph, can do this with a partner or alone as a You Do.

16. Did you highlight and label correctly?
Recently, I went to the beach with my family. The day we went it was stormy and black clouds seemed to hang in the air deliberating as to whether to drop bucket loads of water on my family. This shows that the weather at the beach can sometimes be unpredictable and annoying. The wind was strong causing the waves to crash loudly on the shore. The undertow of some waves nearly swept us out to sea. This shows that being at the beach on a stormy day can be dangerous. This outing with my family is one I will not forget. TS CD CM
Answer key for students to check their highlighting and labeling of the previous paragraph CD CM CS

17. Now highlight and label on your own!
On our vacation last summer in San Diego I was almost attacked by a shark. While I was lazily floating along on my dollar store raft I noticed a sudden movement to the right of me. This shows how caught off guard I was due to my enjoyment of the ocean’s movement. I quickly turned to look and saw the shark’s lower jawbone thrust forward toward my unsuspecting right leg. That’s when I decided to high tail it back to the safety of the beach and my mom’s welcoming arms. This shows that I am quick thinker and able to get myself back to safety. Sharks were unfortunately the highlight of my summer vacation.
(YOU DO)
Make sure to print this slide and hand out one for each student in class
Again students highlight and label, don’t have students work in pairs but instead alone as a You Do and use the next slide for formative feedback

18. Did you highlight and label correctly?
On our vacation last summer in San Diego I was almost attacked by a shark. While I was lazily floating along on my dollar store raft I noticed a sudden movement to the right of me. This shows how caught off guard I was due to my enjoyment of the ocean’s movement. I quickly turned to look and saw the shark’s lower jawbone thrust forward toward my unsuspecting right leg. That’s when I decided to high tail it back to the safety of the beach and my mom’s welcoming arms. This shows that I am quick thinker and able to get myself back to safety. Sharks were unfortunately the highlight of my summer vacation. TS CD CM CD
(YOU DO, formative feedback slide)\
Student answers for the previous slide CM CS

19. Now you write the commentary
The classroom was chaotic and loud. The student desks were a mess, paper littered the floor, and spit balls were stuck to the ceiling. This shows that _________________________. Paper airplanes were flying and one kid even opened up a window and threw out a sharpened pencil strategically aimed at an innocent student. This shows that__________________. The classroom was a complete debacle.
(WE DO)
Print and copy this slide, one for each student.
Now it is time for the students to not just identify commentary, but it is now time for students to write commentary on their own.
Have students in partners.
Together with their partner have them write in the commentary for the first blank.
Join with another pairing.
Have groups vote on the best commentary for first blank.
Have one student from each group write it up on teacher copy on document camera (make sure to enlarge the teacher copy so there is a lot of room for each group to write).
Teacher would then take the student commentaries, discuss them, pointing out effective commentary
Remember, effective commentary= a specific link between the topic/concrete detail that is right before the commentary, don’t forget to use the question strategy introduced at the beginning of this lesson. Also, good commentary doesn’t state the obvious. For example, ineffective commentary for the first blank on the slide would be- “This shows that the room was a mess.” This is ineffective because it is such obvious commentary. Effective commentary would be- “This shows that the students were out of control and totally lacked respect for the teacher.” This is better commentary because it is detailed, it gives a clear opinion that isn’t obvious, it required higher level thinking.
Make sure all misconceptions about good vs. poor commentary
Repeat process above for the second blank for commentary

20. Recently, I went to the beach with my family
Recently, I went to the beach with my family. The day we went it was stormy and black clouds seemed to hang in the air deliberating as to whether to drop bucket loads of water on my family. This shows that______________________________. The wind was strong causing the waves to crash loudly on the shore. The undertow of some waves nearly swept us out to sea. This shows that_______________________. This outing with my family is one I will not forget.
See previous slide for directions, repeat the process and have students create the commentary. Can continue to have students work in pairs or begin to expect students to individually fill in the commentary blanks.

21. On our vacation last summer in San Diego I was almost attacked by a shark. While I was lazily floating along on my dollar store raft I noticed a sudden movement to the right of me. This shows how_______________________________________. I quickly turned to look and saw the shark’s lower jawbone thrust forward toward my unsuspecting right leg. That’s when I decided to high tail it back to the safety of the beach and my mom’s welcoming arms. This shows that_______________________________________. Sharks were unfortunately the highlight of my summer vacation.
Same process as other fill in the blank slides

22. Test Time!!
The homeless, disheveled man and his dog stood on the side of the road. He held up a ragged cardboard sign begging for money and food. This shows that the man was obviously poor, and without acquiring money he would go hungry and cold for another night. Ten cars passed the man without even a glance in his direction. As the number of cars passed without giving him a donation, the homeless man began banging on the car windshields. This shows the desperation of the man and his desire to survive in this difficult world. The homeless man and his dog continued to stand on the road waiting.
(YOU SHOW)
This is the ending of the lesson and time to see if students individually understood how to locate and write commentary.
Print this slide out and give one to each student. Have them highlight and label the paragraph without any assistance. When done, students hand in paragraph for teacher to score as an independent assessment.

23. Test Time!!
The homeless, disheveled man and his dog stood on the side of the road. He held up a ragged cardboard sign begging for money and food. This shows that_________________________________________. Ten cars passed the man without even a glance in his direction. As the number of cars passed without giving him a donation, the homeless man began banging on the car windshields. This shows that ________________________________________. The homeless man and his dog continued to stand on the road waiting.
(YOU SHOW)
This is the second half of the independent assessment. Again, print out slide and copy one for every student.
Answers to this are dependent on individual student commentary. There really isn’t one right answer, only good vs. ineffective commentary. The more detailed the commentary the better. Commentary needs to link to the concrete detail, state an opinion, and not state the obvious.

24. Teacher Answer Guide
The homeless, disheveled man and his dog stood on the side of the road. He held up a ragged cardboard sign begging for money and food. This shows that the man was obviously poor, and without acquiring money he would go hungry and cold for another night. Ten cars passed the man without even a glance in his direction. As the number of cars passed without giving him a donation, the homeless man began banging on the car windshields. This shows the desperation of the man and his desire to survive in this difficult world. The homeless man and his dog continued to stand on the road waiting. TS CD CM CD
YOU SHOW- Answers to highlighting and labeling test CM CS

25. Teachers- for additional practice
The next set of slides are for teachers to use as extra practice to assist students in locating and labeling commentary. Teacher can use these as an entry activity for short, quick, ongoing practice with using commentary.

26. Disgusting!!!!
The bowl of rotted fruit forlornly sat on the kitchen counter. The blackened banana oozed its slimy, baby food-like contents. A juicy, flesh-colored worm crawled its way out of the brown, mushy apple.
This paragraph contains a topic sentence and two concrete details. Students need to add a concluding sentence and two pieces of commentary. Once students have done that have them highlight with the corresponding colors and label the parts of the paragraph just as they have done previously.
FYI- If you want students to only add in commentary the teacher can put a concluding sentence into the paragraph before printing the slide. Also, if you have a classroom that struggles with commentary you can add in the sentence starter- “This shows that…” into the paragraph before printing so as to guide the students with where to insert the commentary. Finally, if you just want the students to highlight and label the teacher can have all parts of the paragraph already completed before printing and then all the students have to do is highlight and label all parts of the paragraph without having to come up with their own commentary, concluding sentence, etc…

27. The Mischievous Kitten
Cleopatra, the queen of the house, took her naughtiness seriously. She routinely jumped onto the kitchen counter while her master cooked dinner, sampling the evening’s cuisine. Each night she created a comfortable nest on her owner's pillow before retiring for her beauty rest.
Again, this paragraph has a topic sentence and two pieces of commentary. Students need to add in commentary and a concluding sentence. Once done, have students highlight and label.

28. BOOOOOOO!!!!!!
October 31st always proved to be fun at the haunted house exhibit. Oftentimes, you are blindfolded and asked to place your hand in a bowl of chilled and peeled grapes that feel like eyeballs! As you walk along the musty hallway, people will jump out and scream at you while the chilly breeze freezes your perspiration of fear.
Students need to add in two pieces of commentary and add a concluding sentence.

29. That Ain’t Bigfoot!
The monster was stunningly hideous. Bright red blood dripped from his elongated, fanged incisors. His yellowed, razor- sharp claws were poised to rip at my unprotected neck.
Students need to add in two pieces of commentary and add a concluding sentence.

30. The War in Iraq
Violence throughout Iraq seems to have increased heavily since the U.S. has made its presence in Iraq. According to a study by the American Friends Service Committee on the civilians in Iraq," Since the U.S. made itself present, the number of resistant fighters has increased heavily from 5,000 in November 2003 to 20,000 in November 2005.” This means that Iraqis are joining in the fight to rid us from their native home and it is simply not safe to be there anymore. A recent study in the Washington Post said the attacks in Iraq have reached a new high last month of 180 deaths. As one can see, violence against Americans in Iraq is heavily increasing and we need to take action now if we are to minimize the loss of U.S. soldiers. Judging by the current statistics, we need to be concerned about the violence in America.
The following three slides are examples of TS + CD +CM + CD+ CM+ CS. The next three slides can be used with the 8th grade Social Studies CBA. If you do not teach Social Studies these can be used as additional practice in highlighting and labeling paragraphs that contain commentary.
FYI- The next three paragraphs are more difficult and it will be harder for students to locate the concrete details and commentary. Notice that the commentary does not start with the prescribed sentence starter- “This shows that…” Remind students that when their isn’t a sentence starter to guide them towards locating the commentary, they need to remember their commentary strategy of trying to find the parts of the paragraph that state an opinion.

31. The War in Iraq
Violence throughout Iraq seems to have increased heavily since the U.S. has made its presence in Iraq. According to a study by the American Friends Service Committee on the civilians in Iraq," Since the U.S. made itself present, the number of resistant fighters has increased heavily from 5,000 in November 2003 to 20,000 in November 2005.” This means that Iraqis are joining in the fight to rid us from their native home and it is simply not safe to be there anymore. A recent study in the Washington Post said the attacks in Iraq have reached a new high last month of 180 deaths. As one can see, violence against Americans in Iraq is heavily increasing and we need to take action now if we are to minimize the loss of U.S. soldiers. Judging by the current statistics, we need to be concerned about the violence in America.
Answers for previous slide

32. Teen Obesity
Teen obesity is becoming a national problem. Part of the 2005 statistics report released by Trust for America’s Healthy shows that 65% of American adults are overweight or obese, and it is estimated to increase to 75% by This points out the idea that many people underestimate their weight or are just ignorant to the fact that obesity is dangerous to their health. Many doctors have stated the importance of exercising as part of teens’ everyday routine. This points out the possibility that proper nutrition and regular exercise should be taken by these young adolescents if they want to have a healthy life. Unfortunately, at the present time, teen obesity is rising rapidly.

33. Teen Obesity
Teen obesity is becoming a national problem. Part of the 2005 statistics report released by Trust for America’s Healthy shows that 65% of American adults are overweight or obese, and it is estimated to increase to 75% by This points out the idea that many people underestimate their weight or are just ignorant to the fact that obesity is dangerous to their health. Many doctors have stated the importance of exercising as part of teens’ everyday routine. This points out the possibility that proper nutrition and regular exercise should be taken by these young adolescents if they want to have a healthy life. Unfortunately, at the present time, teen obesity is rising rapidly.
Answers for previous slide

34. Steroid Use in High Schools
The use of steroids in high schools is becoming a national problem. More than two thirds of student athletes are using steroids and the National Institute of Drug Abuse says that steroids can cause liver problems, growth problems, depression and even death. This illustrates that when these facts are directly presented to us, there should be no question as to whether or not we should be more strictly testing high school athletes. Research also says that many athletes use steroids so they can make the varsity teams and eventually college scouts will notice them. This points out the idea that these young adults will do anything to succeed and that it is our responsibility to test for steroids so these people can survive their youth and grow up to be contributing citizens. Steroids are indeed a problem for all of us.

35. Steroid Use in High Schools
The use of steroids in high schools is becoming a national problem. More than two thirds of student athletes are using steroids and the National Institute of Drug Abuse says that steroids can cause liver problems, growth problems, depression and even death. This illustrates that when these facts are directly presented to us, there should be no question as to whether or not we should be more strictly testing high school athletes. Research also says that many athletes use steroids so they can make the varsity teams and eventually college scouts will notice them. This points out the idea that these young adults will do anything to succeed and that it is our responsibility to test for steroids so these people can survive their youth and grow up to be contributing citizens. Steroids are indeed a problem for all of us.
Answers for previous slide