1. Healthy Relationships
Developed by Counseling &Wellness Services for the Department of Housing & Residential Education

2. Session Outline Defining Healthy Relationships Communication
This presentation will address what it means to be in a healthy relationship and provide tips and strategies for good, open communication between partners.
Before moving to the next slide, ask participants what they think are some characteristics of healthy relationships.

3. Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
Agreement
Respect
Open Communication
Mutual Enjoyment
Safe
These five characteristics are adapted from those that students in a sexuality education class at Northern Illinois University thought of and from In Our Own Voices, Inc., a non-profit that serves LGBTQ people of color.
To make this interactive, you can ask participants to define the terms before filling in the blanks.
Agreement – Partners should discuss their relationship and needs openly from the beginning of the relationship and continue revisit their agreements over time. To facilitate this process, a person should think about him/her/hirself and what they want in a partner (could be in terms of identity, such as age, race, sexual orientation, education, etc.). Agreement can also include consent and being “out” as a couple. To build trust, partners should discuss each person’s level of commitment to the relationship and whether or not it is exclusive.
Respect – Both members of a relationship should feel valued and respected. This means that both partners have equal power in the relationship and that it is not based on coercion. It also means that both partners should be willing to compromise sometimes. Respect includes accepting each other as individuals with unique identities. Both parties should be allowed to define themselves and decide what their identities mean to them (ex: racial identity or sexual orientation). Partners should talk openly about how to deal with their differences.
Open Communication – We’ll get into communication more later, but it is a key component of healthy relationships. Following respect, communication about one’s feelings or information that is important to share (like sexual history/health) should be given and received respectfully. Partners should listen actively to what their partners share, and respect their confidentiality. Communication should be honest, open, and often, even if it is not always pleasant.
Mutual Enjoyment – Both partners should be able to enjoy their time together, whether that involves physical or social interactions. Both people can talk about what is and is not fun for them. Having alone time and friends or interests outside of the relationship can make time spent together more fun!
Safe – In a healthy relationship, both partners feel safe, physically, mentally/emotionally, and sexually. Talk openly about sexual health with your partner and do what is right for you in terms of getting tested for STIs and using protection/contraception. Remember it is okay and can be helpful for couples to go to counseling, for any number of reasons.
Sources:
In Our Own Voices, Inc. (2004). Healthy relationship guidelines for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people of color. Retrieved from
In Our Own Voices, Inc. (2004). Five features of successful (mutually fulfilling) relationships. Retrieved from
Northern Illinois University. (2011). Characteristics of healthy sexual relationships. Retrieved from
Sources: IOOV, 2004; NIU, 2011

4. What is Love? What does it mean to you? What is it? What isn’t it?
To think about healthy relationships, we also need to think about what “love” means to us. Ask participants what it means to them? What is love? What is not love?
Amplify Your Voice is a non-profit dedicated to working on issues surrounding sexual health and sexuality in youth. The following lists feature some of the words Amplify Your Voice uses to define what love is and what it is not:
Love is:
Responsibility
Friendship
Pleasure
Recognizing Differences
Trust
Etc.
Love is not:
Jealousy
Violence
Fear
Dependency
Being selfish
For a complete list (plus a lot more on healthy relationships!), see the source: Amplify (n.d.). What’s love got to do with it? Retrieved from
As you can see, there are lots of components that make up healthy and/or loving relationships, some that most people would agree on and some that are part of your individual definition. Talking to others can be a helpful way to think about what you need and want in a relationship!

5. Dating Bill of Rights
Both you and your partner are entitled to some things in a relationship!
Trust yourself
Be safe
Use protection
Be respected
Get angry
What else?
Now that we’ve talked about some characteristics of healthy, loving relationships, another way we can think about them is by creating a Dating Bill of Rights.
These are some rights that Amplify Your Voice suggests everyone is entitled to in their relationship. What are some others that you can think of?
More examples: saying no, agreeing or refusing to have sex, prosecuting for battery or sexual assault, experiencing intimacy, being loved, having an emotionally healthy and supportive relationship, etc…
Because you ARE entitled to having a healthy relationship, if you are NOT experiencing the things we have talked about (or are experiencing sexual assault or other interpersonal violence), you should consider re-evaluating the relationship. UNC Counseling & Wellness Services offers individual counseling as well as other resources! The S.A.F.E Project website can help you figure out what resources you might need:
Source: Amplify (n.d.). Bill of Dating Rights. Retrieved from
Source: Amplify Your Voice, n.d.

6. Communication: General
Watch body language
Listen actively
Clarify
Process
Stay focused
Express yourself
As we’ve seen, good, open communication is an important factor of healthy relationships. Here are some strategies to keep in mind when you’re talking with others, whether it is your partner, a friend, or anyone else!
Body language – Pay attention to what you and the other person are doing with your bodies. Are someone’s arms crossed? Are you making eye contact? These things can influence the meaning and direction of a conversation.
Active listening and clarification– Giving feedback to someone by rephrasing what they’ve said let’s that person know they’ve been heard and know what has been heard (and if they need to clarify their thoughts). If you don’t understand what someone has said, ask them to repeat it! Active listening also includes showing you are listening through body language like making eye contact, and waiting your turn to speak.
Process – In a disagreement, you might be tempted to get defensive or accusatory. Be patient and let yourself process what your partner is saying. If you need to, it’s okay to come back to a conversation at a later time!
Stay focused – If you’re having a disagreement with someone, be sure to keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand. This will allow you to work through the problem better and will avoid letting the disagreement get blown out of proportion.
Express yourself – By talking about your own feelings and thoughts rather than using accusatory or critical language, you allow the conversation to stay constructive rather than turning into an argument.
Some things to avoid include commanding, threatening, moralizing, advising or teaching when unsolicited, interpreting, making the conversation about you (giving your own example), questioning (let the person say what they need/want), and dismissing. Try paying attention to how you interact with others on a daily basis to see if you do any of these things (we all do sometimes!) and think about ways to communicate better. (Unknown, n.d.).
Source unless otherwise specified: Amplify (n.d.). Good communication in a relationship. Retrieved from
Other source: Unknown. (n.d.). Roadblocks to communication. Counseling & Wellness Services, UNC-CH.
Sources: Amplify Your Voice, n.d.; Unknown, n.d.

7. Communication: Sex Timing Questions Decisions Consent
Use the strategies we’ve talked about for communication, keeping in mind the qualities of healthy relationships (like respect), to talk about sex. Here are some other things to keep in mind, too.
Timing – Try to talk about sex (sexual health, whether or not you want to have sex) when you have time to talk and not when you are in the heat of the moment.
Questions – Ask each other questions to make sure you understand what you both want or don’t want. Try using open-ended questions rather than yes-no questions so that you can have a good discussion.
Decisions – Once you’ve listened to each other and have each spoken your mind, make a decision as a couple about next steps (Getting tested? Using protection? What kind?) and then stick with it!
Consent – Only “yes” means yes. This means that saying “no” or saying nothing at all, especially when under the influence, is NOT consent. Make sure you and your partner talk in the moment about whether or not you both want to have sex or be intimate in other ways.
In summary, practicing good communication skills is a key component of having a healthy relationship! Think repeatedly about what a healthy relationship means to you and how your relationship with your partner fits with your ideas. Then talk about it!
Sources: Amplify (n.d.). Good communication in a relationship. Retrieved from
Amplify (n.d.). Tips for talking to your partner about sex, safer sex, and choosing not to have sex. Retrieved from
Sources: Amplify Your Voice, n.d.; Amplify Your Voice, n.d.

8. Resources Counseling & Wellness Services S.A.F.E. Project
S.A.F.E. Project
Amplify Your Voice
Remember that Counseling & Wellness Services is here to help! We offer counseling for individuals, programs and resources around interpersonal violence, and testing for sexually transmitted infections, among other services.
The Safety Information Access for Everyone (S.A.F.E) Project offers information about resources available at UNC around interpersonal violence.
Amplify Your Voice offers lots of information about healthy relationships and communication.