2. Week 1 Jamie Hayworth-Chin, LMFT LEARNING Dr. Greg Allen, LMFT, PhD
Gaining knowledge of current teen world
Impact of technology on teen relationships
Using technology to raise an ethical child
Dr. Greg Allen, LMFT, PhD
Connecting with your child
Listening Skills
Internal self-control
Knowing vulnerabilities
Observing and supervising
Building relationships

3. Things That Will Probably Happen
Have heart broken
Not get invited to something he/she really wants to attend
Be rejected

4. Happiness is… Meaning Beyond Oneself Hope of Success Social Connection
Satisfying Work

5. T
“My child got 3,000 texts last month. What in the world do I do about that? I’ve already given her a cell phone and all of her friends have one. I can’t go backwards!” – Mark
“If you don’t text, you don’t exist” – Emily, 14
“Being online is like being drunk. Instead of liquid courage, it’s viral courage.” – Brooke, 18

6. Technology 101 Can be used as a positive, or as a WMD
Kids live in 2 worlds simultaneously- real world and virtual world. What happens in one directly impacts the other.
Give kids moral guideposts in the virtual world just as in real world.
Use technology as a way to teach family values.
Be relevant
Swim shirt example on point 2
Why disconnect between virtual and real life ethics?: what are WE doing? Primary way of communication is text. Parents are texting me multiple times a day. Not considering what they are doing to contribute. If you want your kid to connect with you, don’t be on the cell phone. Do as I say, not as I do. If you send multiple texts all day, lose their potenty. Not paying attention

7. Why parents give kids access to technology
Cheaper and more readily available
Can reach him or her at any time
Has become so normal that we don’t question whether or not kids should have them
Worry kids will be at a disadvantage socially and academically without them

8. Consequences Status Symbol- need the latest and greatest to fit in
More difficult to be certain of child’s whereabouts. Easier to sneak behind parents’ backs.
Increase intensity and spread of gossip, humiliation, and drama
We can become so hooked we role model bad behavior
Parent texting examples on point 4

9. Truth About Online Interactions
Kids do things online they would never do in real life
People fight in ways they wouldn’t face to face
Quicker and easier to distribute information which also becomes harder to get rid of
Easier to give away personal information
Increases and validates paranoia (everyone really DOES know what he/she did)
Addicted to being connected
Sexting/truth or dare example
Learning empathy example

10. Teen Quotes
“The limit to how mean and vicious kids can be is beginning to disappear. If they are certain that they won’t get confronted face to face, they have the freedom to be super nasty and never have to own up to it.” –Lily, 18
“I have 4 different accounts. My parents think the only one I have is the one I got in the 4th grade.” –Sarah, 16
“I text while my parents are talking to me. It looks like I’m paying attention and I sort of am, but I’m always doing my own personal business too.” –John, 17
“I have more than 1 Facebook account.” -Christina, 16

11. Cell Phones
Kids under 12 DO NOT need a phone that has any other capabilities other than calling parent, other emergency contacts, or 911
A child may need a phone if:
Going to an even with a lot of people and possibility of getting lost
Going to a party where he/she may need to leave if feeling uncomfortable
Drives a car
Starts doing most things without parental supervision

12. Tech Safety No sharing passwords with friends
Know your child’s passwords
Look at phone bills to track child’s texting
Look at time texts/facebook/twitter, etc messages are sent. If time stamp is too late, this may interfere with sleep, school performance and mood.

13. Tech Safety Inform teens of risks of online gaming
Designate an adult to clear browser cache and keep a log of the last time it was done. Teens do not clear history.

14. Laying Down the Law
When deciding to let your child use technology explain rules and expectations clearly
Example:
“Technology is a privilege and you have a responsibility to use it ethically. Ethically means never using it to embarrass, humiliate, send personal information, misrepresent yourself or someone else, use passwords without someone’s permission, share embarrassing photos or yourself or someone else, etc. As your parent/guardian, I have the right to check how you are using your technology. If I find that you aren’t following these terms, I will take it away until you can earn my trust back.”
Constant Connectivity: kids sleeping with phones. Parents monitor tv, movies, etc but when phones are taken to bed, all bets are off. Help kids set boundaries with tech. Kids will get mad at boundary, but that’s OK. Don’t be afraid to make rules for your kids. If they aren’t mad at you when you enforce rules, there’s something wrong!

15. Teaching Personal Boundaries
Approach tech boundaries in the same way as addressing boundaries with people in “real life”
Some people want to hurt kids
Be smart about who you communicate with, trust, and give personal information to (anything in background to give away address, school, etc?)

16. Public Vs Private
Disconnect: enthusiasm for posting personal information online, but invasion of privacy when parents see it
Surprised when personal information is used against them.
Generally don’t “get it” until it happens to them

17. Constant Connectivity
Can never escape social network. Kids sleeping with phones
Parents monitor tv, movies, computer…but not phones!
Just being home at night is not a safety bubble anymore…kids can still be hurt
Late nights on social media impede academic functioning
HELP KIDS SET BOUNDARIES
Groggy Moody Kid scenario

18. Right to Check Social Media?
YES YOU DO!...but kids need some privacy
1) when you’ve made plans to be out of town and your child isn’t coming with you
2) When behavior is frightening and he/she won’t tell you what’s going on

19. Manners
Show interest in people and be polite…basic social ability and competence.
No hiding behind phones or hand held games during social interactions
No talking on cell phones at the dinner table (same goes for parents!)
Suggested rule: cell phones put away upon arriving home

20. When Technology is Your Friend
Have child take a picture of location and text/ it to you. Make sure pictures indicates date and time. Or, have child hand over cell to supervising adult and verify plans/gets adults phone number.
Can strengthen communication with other parents. Use strategically so child doesn’t counter-sneak
GOAL: Keep one step ahead!
Think about doing Technology Contract…similar to tech explanation, only in written form.

21. Decent Person?
Check text messages/other media posts over the last 2 weeks
Encourage self-reflection: “think about what you’re communicating”

22. Making Mistakes Sending personal info Pull as much down as possible
DON’T make him/her feel stupid
“We made an agreement about how you could upload things. I know it was a mistake, but I need you to take responsibility for your actions. We are going to take it down and ask friends if anyone forwarded it to any other social media site and ask them to pull it down as well. You will lose your social media privileges for one week. I really do get this was a mistake, but if it happens again I will have to take away more of your technology privileges because you’re showing me you’re not ready to use it safely”

23. If He/She’s The Problem
Forwarding is choosing to make the problem bigger
Apologize to victim in person and send a message to all people who received the forward, taking ownership.
“To everyone in the 9th grade,
Last week I wrote stuff on Facebook about Allison that wasn’t true. I shouldn’t have done it and I apologized to her in person, but I also needed to write to you so you would know it wasn’t true”

24. Dealing With Embarrassment
Do NOT say “How could you have been so stupid!”, “Everyone will forget about it tomorrow,” or “don’t let it bother you.”
It’s how you conduct yourself after messing up that shows what kind of person you are.
Take phone for next 72 hours to disconnect from what people are saying
Have teen acknowledge what he/she did and why
Come up with a strategy for dealing with embarrassment

25. Embarrassment Cont’d What to say if being teased
“ I made a mistake which I’m trying to deal with. Your bringing it up makes me feel worse. I’m not sure if that’s your point, but I wouldn’t want to make you feel bad if you were in my situation.”

26. Sample Technology Contract
We, the Smith family, believe our family values include integrity and compassion. Every member of the family understand that our use of technology must reflect our values. Therefore, we recognize that the following are direct contradictions to our values:
Using someone else’s password and identity without consent
Spreading Gossip
Making or forwarding sexually suggestive photographs
Sending viruses
Participating in Internet polling
Creating or participating in insulting websites/blogs
Using social networking sites with the purpose of creating, viewing, or participating in humiliation of others

27. Contract (cont’d)
If any family member is found acting in violation of this contract, the following will occur:
First Violation: computer and cell phone privileges ended for an amount of time
Second Violation: Computer and cell privileges ended for ___ amount of time
Third Violation: Most valued privilege is taken away
While we understand that any of us can make a mistake, we believe that living according to these values is critically important.
X__________________ (date)

28. Week 2 Jamie Hayworth-Chin, LMFT Dr. Greg Allen, LMFT, PhD EQUIPPING
strategies to guide teens through their relationships
how to help when your child discloses a painful situation
how to coach and support your child through peer conflict
how to handle your child being bullied or being the bully
Dr. Greg Allen, LMFT, PhD
Finding their passion and purpose
Having healthy fun
Preventing risky behaviors
Relax their mind and body

29. Relational Aggression A.K.A. Bullying
Common Techniques of R/A
Gossiping, Teasing, Public Humiliation, Blackmail, Exclusion, Creating Paranoia, Pranks
In person, via text, and online
Outcomes of R/A
Peer rejection, depression, suicidal ideation, loneliness, obesity, eating disorders, substance abuse & addiction, relationship problems, personality disorders, poor self esteem

30. Good vs Bad Teasing
Good Teasing: feel liked by teaser, motivation isn’t to put you down. Easily stopped.
Unintentional Bad Teasing: teaser unaware of your negative feelings. If you ask them to stop, they will.
Bad Teasing: intent to make you feel bad, insecure, or embarrassed. If you defend yourself, you’re made fun of or called “too sensitive”. Teasing doesn’t stop.
“Just Joking” is often used to justify bad teasing. It is used to hurt you and then deny your right to be upset about it

31. Tattling vs Telling
Tattling: want person to get in trouble. Someone tattles to make the problem bigger and more public.
Telling: believe there is a problem you can’t solve alone. Goal is to right a wrong and to resolve the issue.
For a child to remember when telling:
“Those people are not in trouble because you told, they’re in trouble because they acted in ways that are against the rules.” (adult)
“They didn’t get in trouble because I told the teacher, they got in trouble because they did _____.” (child to peers)

32. Helping Your Child
What NOT to say: they’re just jealous, you’re just insecure, you’re better off without them as friends, just be nice/strong, ignore it…
What you DO say: I’m so sorry. Thank you for telling me. I know how hard it must be to come forward about something like this. I’m going to help you think this through so you can feel better about how this is being handled.
What if child makes you promise not to tell?
May be too big to handle alone. DO promise that if someone else needs to get involved, you will inform child and child may even be able to help pick the person
Include child in the process. No blindsliding.

33. S.E.A.L. (Wiseman, 2009)
S: Stop and Strategize (when, where, now, later?)
E: Explain (what happened that you don’t like and what do you want)
A: Affirm (admit any responsibility that contributed to conflict but affirm your right to be treated with dignity and visa versa)
L: Lock (lock in friendship, take a break, or lock out

34. S.E.A.L. In Action
“I’ve never told my friends, but I get so mad at their side comments. It’s okay when we’re just hanging out alone, but some of them say stuff around other people too. They mess with me about how short I am, my acne, and that I’m not good with girls. I just get tired of it. Whenever I bring it up, they laugh at me and it gets worse. What am I supposed to do?”

35. S.E.A.L. Example (cont’d) S: Walking back from gym class
E: “Okay, it’s kind of embarrassing to say this, but I need you to stop with the short/bad skin/etc comments.
(push back from friend: “What!? You’re not serious)
“Seriously, you need to stop (push back: “whatever”)
A: You can think whatever you want, but I don’t like it.
L: Thanks. Did you see what we’re doing tomorrow in gym?
Stay the course even though he’s accusing you of being weak. Don’t back down or apologize for bringing it up.
Most likely, perp won’t agree with you…that’s okay! You’re sending the message that you should be taken seriously and that you won’t put up with disrespect. SEAL won’t always be perfect. Even if you just get the S down, or the E…that’s okay. Keep practicing.

36. S.E.A.L. Example 2
Your daughter walks down the hallway and notices that a group of girls whisper and laugh as she passes by. This is not the first time she’s noticed this happening with the same group of girls.
S: She decides she’s going to bring this up to the group next time it happens.
E: I’ve noticed several times over the past few days that you’ve been whispering/laughing when I pass you guys. I guess you’re doing this to make me feel bad.
A: I have the right to be able to walk around at school without people making me feel bad by whispering and laughing whenever I pass them. If there’s something you want to tell me, please let me know face to face.
L: If you want to tell me, that would be great. I’ll be available for the rest of the day.

37. S.E.A.L. Example 3 “Did you hear what everyone is saying about you?”
S: What is the messenger’s motivation? “Thanks for telling me. Please don’t talk about this with others.”
E: (to person starting/spreading gossip) “I hear that you’re saying ___ about me. I’m not asking you to tell me whether or not it’s true. I’m asking you to stop if you’re involved in any way. I can’t control what you do, but I’m showing you respect to come to you face to face.”
A: If I did something that upset you I want to know.
L: We used to be good friends. If you want to talk about this, I’m here.

38. S.E.A.L. Example 4
Your child’s friend won’t include him/her when others are around and says he/she is “embarrassing.”
S: How does your child feel about what was said? Where does your child think the best place would be to talk to this friend?
E: “The other day you told me that I am embarrassing to you when we hang out together in front of other people. I like hanging out with you and I want to be friends but I don’t want either of us to worry about when you will be my friend and when you won’t.
A: I want to hang out with someone who treats me like a friend no matter who’s around.
L: I would really like to keep being friends.

39. Your Child: The Bully
Parents can use SEAL to address poor behavior and to hold him/her accountable
Your child is NOT the worst child in the world and you aren’t the worst parent. Mistakes are opportunities to see your values in action!

40. S.E.A.L. for Parent
S: Where can you talk where he/she will have the best chance of listening?
E: Explain your factual understanding and ask if it’s accurate. Get yes/no answers. Have child write apology to victim and call victim’s parents to schedule a time to apologize in person at their home ASAP. If incident was done at school, take child to teacher and principal to apologize for going against rules of treating people with dignity.
A: Child doesn’t have to be friends with victim, but child is not allowed to purposefully make someone feel miserable. If you hear about this again, consequences will increase. Explain your love for child but this is something you have to take a stand on.
L: If child says they hate you, let him/her know you’re willing to accept that.

41. Finding an Ally
Normal for kids to not want to share all experiences with parents.
Ally: adult kids can talk with about what’s going on in their lives.
Child and parent both make separate list of possible adults. Compare and pick a mutually agreed upon adult
Have child talk to ally on a regular basis for both big and small “stuff”

42. Act Like A Man

43. Act Like A Girl

44. Cliques and Popularity
Use boxes to learn who they are required to be to be accepted and consequences of not adhering to norms.
Group Cohesion: based on unquestioned loyalty. Us vs Them mentality
Reinforce bonds with friends but can weaken bonds with parents
Teaches child to turn exclusively to group instead of asking for parental help
Can teach that its more important to maintain a relationship at all costs instead of on how one is treated within the relationship
Maintain ethics and moral compass when we are in a group. How does group respond when individual is acting unethically? What will price of silence be? Have kids write what a good friend requires. Have them think over if their friends reflect their standard. Don’t push…plant seed.

45. Your Role Don’t take it personally if kids hide some things from you!
Own up to your own mistakes and right the wrong. Encourage kids to do the same
Hold kids accountable for decisions made that go against family values…but love them unconditionally through it
When told your kid has done something wrong, listen and don’t automatically blame another
Find your child an ally
Lead by example!!! (do you gossip, apologize when needed, judge others superficially?)
Are you living up to your values…even when it’s hard?

46. UnPacking Your Emotional Baggage
Where did you fit in middle school?
What did you get from being part of this group?
Did you ever want to leave the group but felt you couldn’t?
Were you ever tormented by someone in the group?
Is there someone you’d run away from if you saw them today?
Did you ever feel trapped by a reputation you couldn’t shake?
Were you ever teased? About what? How did you handle it?
Did you spread gossip? Were you gossiped about? How did you handle it?

47. Freedom4U