1. “If we must disagree, let’s disagree without being disagreeable.”
Disagreeing without being Disagreeable Facilitated by: Julie Owens, Case Manager, Judge Gerald E. Rosen USDC Eastern District of Michigan
“If we must disagree, let’s disagree without being disagreeable.”
~ Lyndon B. Johnson
© Julie Owens

2. DID YOU COME UP WITH THIS? ONCE UPON A TIME JULIE HAD
HOW IN THE WORLD
DID YOU COME UP WITH THIS?
ONCE UPON A TIME JULIE HAD
A DISAGREEMENT…
Notes: Yeah right only once?

3. So Says the Judge Judge Gerald E. Rosen
Attending Kansas City FCCA Conference having dinner and joking about my performance evaluation and telling a story about another judge I worked for (Judge Cohn – Henry Scharg) and the others suggested I should come up about how to disagree.
Tell story about the bankruptcy incident and the attorneys having to wait and I sent them home. Reiterated about the inconvenience and cost due to the delay.
August story about the , went round and round, not personal
No matter how we disagree it does not effect the relationship
Takes it in stride

4. The Nuts and Bolts of Disagreement
Get to the nuts and bolts of this by breaking down and defining disagreement

5. What is a Disagreement? a. an Argument b. Squabble c. Battle
d. A difference of opinion
e. Or just plain conflict?
**Ask Audience for a Show of hands, I know what you are thinking**
d. A difference of opinion; an exchange of differing views.

6. Why isn’t a Disagreement an Argument or a Fight (Ziggity Boom!)?
Because a disagreement is an exchange of differing views
An argument is an exchange of differing views as well as reasons for those views
Fight aka Ziggity Boom – An exchange of attacks and insults
Well, if a disagreement is a difference of opinion
then why isn’t it an argument or a fight?
The Thinking Toolbox by Nathaniel Bluedorn & Hans Bluedorn

7. What the What? What I am talking about
DISAGREEMENT
Me: I like Starbucks coffee
You: Really, I prefer Tim Horton’s coffee
ARGUMENT
Me: Starbuck’s has the best coffee, because it is strong and the coffee beans come from Colombia.
You: Starbuck’s may be good but Tim Hortons coffee is better because
it is not only strong but freshly brewed every twenty minutes
Here are some examples
FIGHT
Me: You have absolutely no taste buds and don’t know anything about “good” coffee
You: I may not know coffee but at least I have taste! Look at what you are wearing!

8. DISAGREEMENT ARGUMENT/FIGHT RECAP
ZIGGITY BOOM!
DISAGREEMENT
ARGUMENT/FIGHT RECAP
Remember a Disagreement is a difference of opinion it’s like having a tire with low pressure, it is easily repaired
An Argument is when the tire is flat, it is a serious problem but fixable
A Fight is when the wheels fall off and things are out of control
A disagreement can escalate into an argument or fight where it can become either:
Destructive - If the reasoning or evidence to support a disagreement implies that one person’s perspective is superior to another’s perspective or
Negative - When the disagreement becomes an attack on the person or their perspective
Let’s do a quick recap, so eventually a disagreement becomes an argument or fight aka ziggity boom and we are going to find out how does this all happen

9. TYPES OF DISAGREEMENT
Factual - When two (or more) people have a disagreement over facts that can be verified by a reliable source
Semantics - When people use the same words to mean different things
Substantive - Involves disagreement over content or how a task will be accomplished
Emotional/Personality – Involves interpersonal difficulties that arise over feelings of anger, mistrust, dislike, fear, resentment
Work Styles/Habits – You know what I mean …. The famous hot v. cold controversy
Debatable/Constructive – Providing evidence and argument that contradicts a perspective in a non-threatening manner.
Semantics - We will do this 3 days from Sunday , no we will do this on Wednesday
Emotional/Personality – We just don’t’ click or a hold over from a previous disagreement
Work Styles habits - Music Lover v. Non Music Lover, Hot/Cold
Debatable/Constructive – A productive outcome

10. CAUSE AND EFFECT Why does it all go wrong?
Getting to the bottom of this

11. POSSIBLE CAUSES OF DISAGREEMENT
Perception, Tone, Body Language, Semantics
Differing beliefs and/or values
Needs/Personal Goals
Relational/Personality
Stress
Information Gap
Desire to be “correct” or “be right”
Habit/Routine
** Ask audience what they think the causes are
Perception - Way a person dresses unprofessional but really they have a good work ethic. A person looks unfriendly and mean but really is a nice person but is shy.
Needs/Personal Goals/Expectation
When talking with your boss what are your expectations Nene Story- Marshalls
Teflon Don Co-worker: You want a co-worker to help immediately because the line is long but the co-worker always has an excuse for not coming right away or showing up.
Management never disciplines the co-worker for the excuses, but the co-worker is reliable in showing up for work
Mgt has a need for long term reliability with mediocre performance rather than stellar performance and unreliability.
Personal - I may need to leave early to pick up children/ Need you to stay late to Relational/Personality - You may not be happy about how someone is treating you
Stress - Being stressed or angry about something and that causes you to be confrontational.
Information Gap - On matters which deal with *facts*, disagreements can/may arise because of a lack of Information/facts.
Habit/Routine - Unwillingness to change lunch or change work hours, taking a smoke break at a busy time. Need to listen to the radio to work
The Right Way to Fight

12. A CAUTIONARY TALE Don’t be tone deaf - Be aware of your tone
Be aware of your emotional triggers
Remember:
Words can be gifts or weapons; they can protect and also hurt
I like the way you move
Watch your body language and be conscious of another’s personal space
What is an emotional trigger? A response to a person or situation that provokes a strong emotional response. We all have emotional triggers
Sound (Tone – Facial gestures, raised voice, Touch, someone in your personal space, words, sarcasm
Triggers put you on the defensive
Example: Being told what to do by someone we feel is less experienced or knowledgeable as we are; Being asked to do something you don’t want to do such as being asked to stay late, feel like no consideration for you time
Figure out what they are by noticing what and who really gets on your nerves and causes a Ziggity Boom Reaction, get defensive, scared or react or behave in a way that isn’t true to who you are. You will not be able to identify the trigger until it is pulled
2. Walk away literally or figuratively, take a moment to take a chill pill before going further, even if it means going to the bathroom, or just close your eyes and breathe for a moment to focus
How to Handle the Triggers that Drive Us Crazy
Always stop and ask yourself are we really saying the same thing?

13. EFFECTS Hurt feelings Damaged Relationships Loss of Trust
Loss of Respect
Missed opportunities
Strained communication
Anger
Mis-information
Negative attitude
Poor reputation
**Ask audience what they think are effects**
Related - Hurt feelings – temporary & Damaged Relationships – permanent
Missed opportunities in the form of a promotion or assistance

14. breathe...
Take a Woosa Moment and Stretch it out

15. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE?
This is a Test
DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE?
Do I think others have good opinions, valuable information, and deserve to be listened to?
Do I welcome different opinions of others?
Can I admit when I am wrong?
Can I admit that another has a better idea than mine?
5. Do I know that I don't know it all?
If you answered YES to even one of these, then there is a potential to disagree WITHOUT (EMPHASIS ADDED) being disagreeable. Because we can all answer no, just admit it. But if we are truly honest with ourselves we can say no to some of these questions.
Being disagreeable is different for each person because we each have a different communication style. So we each have a different "disagreeable" styles
“It’s Okay to Disagree, Just Don’t be Disagreeable” by Betsey Barbieux

16. Let’s take a look in the mirror…
DOMINATOR – Is dominant and direct and wants immediate decisions. They often have a forceful tone of voice that is intimidating.
SNAKE CHARMER – Is very people oriented, likeable and verbally gifted. They hate disagreements and will use their verbal skill to talk you into believing them. They can become sarcastic by using words with strong tones of disrespect and contempt.
MASQUERADER – Is non-confrontational, prefers sameness and routine. They are sensitive and shy but can become stubborn and disagreeable when confronted with change in their routine, procedures, or policies.
PERFECTIONIST - Is picky, analytical, organized, and doesn’t like mistakes or being wrong. They can go overboard in picking apart someone else's work. It's easy for others to see them as critical and disagreeable.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…
What’s your Disagreement Style?
You may not be exactly one of these but we all have the capability to be one or a combination of these.
I can be snake charmer
**Ask audience by show of hands which one are you or are you inclined to be**
“It’s Okay to Disagree, Just Don’t be Disagreeable” by Betsey Barbieux

17. Are you the “BOSS”? or Are you a boss or are you perceived as a bully?
Are your ideas always the best “ideas”
Do you ever make someone feel “less than” by taking a stance of superiority to advance your agenda?
Do you use your position as a form of resistance to new ideas?
Do you ask yourself am I receptive?
Do you realize that everyone, including you can be wrong sometimes?
Think about it leaders are partial to their own ideas
Stance of superiority are we working side by side and then the switch flips
Do you position to intimidate and/or to force/impose will
Daddy - As a supervisor in the government & private industry he had to know his employees disagreement style in order to communicate with the if a person was a perfectionist and made a mistake he had to be a snake charmer to;
Sometimes You have to wear a different masks to communicate with different disagreement styles.
Remember As a “Boss” the best teams thrive on productive disagreement

18. How to disagree with the “Boss” or anyone else for that matter
Offer alternatives/solutions
Start off positive; find a point of agreement
Pick your “battles”; know when to hold on and when to walk away
Aim for a long term relationship instead of a short term victory
Flip the script use “I” instead of “you”
Respect the position and the outcome
When it’s over it’s over
Start with respect and end with respect
Be tactful and non-condescending
Know the person’s disagreement style
Timing and location
Don’t take or make it personal
Be able to fully articulate your position
Be aware of your emotional triggers
Be clear about what you are disagreeing with or about
Start with respect and end with respect
Be tactful and non-condescending
Know the person’s disagreement style
Timing and location (Private v. Public)
Don’t take or make it personal
Be able to fully articulate your position
Be aware of your emotional triggers
Be clear about what you are disagreeing with or about
Common barriers to communication include: threatening or unpleasant behavior such as criticism and bossiness; only hearing what we want to hear; getting bored or distracted; and not expressing our point clearly
accusatory (puts on defensive), I expresses an opinion (wikihow.com)
Offer alternatives/solutions
Start off positive find a point of agreement
Pick your “battles” know when to hold on and when to walk away
Aim for a long term relationship instead of a short term victory
Flip the script use “I” instead of “you”
Respect the position and the outcome
When it’s over it’s over

19. IS IT BREAK TIME YET?
IT’S TOOL TIME !

20. HAVE YOU EVER… Wanted to hit someone over the head?
Were you trying to hammer your position or
“trying to get your point across”?
Lost your cool?
Couldn’t see the forest for the trees?
Got caught up in your “feelings”?
Notice where the point is over the word “hit”

21. HOW TO USE TOOLS TO “FIX” IT
Respect - Safety Googles
Be empathic/understanding – Pliers
Remain calm – Level
Be Open – Wrench
Don’t cut a person or their character down - Saw
Stand in your conviction but don’t be stubborn – Vise Grip
Be focused - Flashlight
Safety first as with any project involving tools, Give the respect that you want in return
Be pliable everything is not black and white, sometimes it really is gray
More flies with honey than with vinegar, why escalate the situation?
Can you be “turned” and have your mind changed? Be Open
Don’t hit or cut below the belt
Believe in your position but don’t overly stubborn
Stay on topic don’t get derailed (Stay in the present, don’t bring up the last time)
Other notes
Change the wording or environment
Wait – this too shall pass – let calmer heads prevail
Do you hear a person or are you really listening (Put fingers in the ears)
Listen first – Listen & silent are spelled with the same letters

22. In his book “How To Win Friends And Influence People”, Dale Carnegie suggests that we ask ourselves some questions whenever we are in a disagreement with
another person:
• Could the other person be right or partly right?
• Will my reaction be one that will relieve the problem, or make it worse?
• Will my response drive the person further away? Or draw them closer to me?
Will my reaction elevate the estimation that others have of me?
• Does this difficulty also provide an opportunity for me?
• What price will I pay if I win this argument?
focus…
Recap

23. IN THE WORDS OF BIGGIE SMALLS
“Cause I went from negative to positive, And it's all…It’s All Good”
Because Disagreement can really be positive
Opportunity to express yourself
Improved communication
New perspective, ideas, learning something new
New respect
Better relationships and understanding
Trust
Progress
Collaboration; Solving problems
Rapper Notorious BIG – “Juicy”

24. ASK JULIE SEGMENT
YAY, IT’S ALMOST OVER !

25. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree
And put it behind you
finally…

26. Julie Owens, Case Manager USDC Eastern District of Michigan
Once Again … I am
Julie Owens, Case Manager
USDC Eastern District of Michigan
Comments are always appreciated