1. LANGUAGE CIRCLE PROJECT READ FRAMING YOUR THOUGHTS
Haiku Course Session 6
Review and Work Samples for Revision
Andy Stetkevich and Judy Fuhrman
Staff Development Specialists
Riverside, California 1

2. Prior to viewing this PowerPoint, watch the FYT Overview DVD
Introduction: Overview Rationale
Concept and Skills Outline
Teaching Sequence Outline
Sentence Expansion Illustration

3. Let’s write a paragraph. We need to define a paragraph first.
A paragraph is a group of sentences working together to develop one key point about the subject.

4. Restatement or Concluding Sentence
PARAGRAPH MODEL
KEY
F = Flying Ability
Topic Sentence
Helicopters fly in all directions. Unlike most planes, they fly backward as well as forward. They also shoot straight up in the air like a rocket. These remarkable air machines even hover in midair like dragonflies. Helicopters, gymnasts of the airways, speed throughout the sky in all directions F F F F F F
Restatement or Concluding Sentence

5. 5th Grade CST Released Item
Read the selection and answer the following question.

6. 5

7. 5th Grade CST Released Item
Read the selection and answer the following question.

8. 5

9. FYT Applied Writing Guide
1-18

10. Step 1: Choose a subject.
Thunderstorms

11. A thunderstorm is like a watching a pot come to a boiling point.
A thunderstorm starts slowly, builds to a crescendo, and ends with a splash.
A thunderstorm is like a watching a pot come to a boiling point.
Decide on a key point.

12. Brainstorm in barebone sentences
Thunderstorm
They are
complete sentences.
We can edit for subject/ predicate agreement.
We vary subject words..
Expanding is easy.
A thunderstorm starts slowly, builds to a crescendo, and ends with a splash.
Brainstorm in barebone sentences
Why?
clouds form
lightning flickers
the sky darkens
lightning slashes and strikes
thunder rumbles
breeze rustles
sprinklets pitter-patter
thunder roars and booms
rain and hail fall
wind pelts
temperature drops

13. Sequence Supporting Details
the breeze rustles
clouds form, and the sky darkens
temperature drops
lightning flickers
thunder rumbles
sprinklets pitter-patter
lightning slashes and strikes
thunder roars and booms
wind pelts
rain and hail falls

14. 85% of their time prewriting 2% on drafting 13% on revision
IF YOU’RE TRYING TO TEACH KIDS HOW TO WRITE…YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE THIS BOOK, BY MARJORIE FRANK
Good writers spend:
85% of their time prewriting
2% on drafting
13% on revision
Average/lesser ability writers spend
98% on drafting
2% on revision

15. Expand Your Sentences 4th Grade 1ST Draft
air gusts
clouds hover
sky dims
sprinklets fall
lightning trembles
thunder grumbles
lightning strikes and spotlights the streets
thunder pounds
rain streams
show begins
Mother Nature directs
a storm
4th Grade
1ST Draft
Thunderstorms are carefully directed by Mother Nature. Gray clouds hover and cause the sky to dim. Like a nervous actor about to go on stage, lightning trembles while thunder grumbles it’s dissatisfaction. Suddenly lightning strikes and spotlights the empty streets. Thunder pounds as if applauding the show about to begin. Overcoming it’s stagefright, the rain streams to the ground. Bravo! The big show has finally begun.

16. Essentially, this student copied the word bank on the pretest.
Pre-Post Assessment
Students wrote about a picture. The class brainstormed a word bank prior to both write-on-demand samples.
Essentially, this student copied the word bank on the pretest.
2nd Grade Summer School
After 12 lessons, the student is generating sentences with where and how expanders.

17. 6th Grade English Learner Saturday School 8 Lessons
Pre-Post Assessment
Students were shown a picture of a thunderstorm. They were directed to write so that the readers would feel that they are actually there.
6th Grade
English Learner
Saturday School
8 Lessons

18. Use FYT symbols to evaluate sentence variety and mobility in the following student work samples.

19. Only two sentences contain mobility.
Most sentences have one expander which is placed at the end of the sentence. Ö Ö
5th Grade Retained Ö
2nd Draft Direction
Move some expanders (mobility).
Add a concluding sentence.
Poor use of mobility; few subject describers.
Nice variety of how expanders: gently, like a broken flashlight, with the hues of an artist’s pallet, without calming down Ö
Reasonable sentence variety.

20. Revise some how predicate expanders, such as this example.
8th Grade Retained
Reasonable use
of mobility
2nd Draft Direction
Revise some how predicate expanders, such as this example.
Judiciously sprinkle-in some additional subject describers.
Better evidence of mobility.
Few subject describers.
Most barebones consist of a single subject and predicate.
Repetitive sentences; lacks variety. Too many how expanders using “with”.

21. SYNONYMS FOR THE SUBJECT
To avoid repetitive word use, have students brainstorm synonyms for their subject before they begin.
licorice
delicious confection
candy twists
candy treat
yummy vines
Licorice
I love fresh cherry red licorice. Its pencil-like shape bends in the middle of my mouth. Licorice smells like cotton candy. The chewy goodness of licorice makes my mouth water. Licorice is my favorite candy.
Brainstorm synonyms for: rollercoaster.
6th Grade

22. PLANNING ESSAYS
PERSUASION
Subject Synonyms
Special Elements
Transition Words
facts and statistics
examples
incidents
counter argument
As a result
Besides
For example
For one thing
For this reason
In fact
Furthermore
I believe – disagree
In addition
In my opinion
Therefore
Subject:_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Key Point
Better evidence of mobility.
Few subject describers.
Most barebones consist of a single subject and predicate.
Provide a planning sheet that provides for: synonyms for the subject, essential elements for the genre, sample transition words and phrases specific to the genre.

23. MORE SAMPLE PLANNING SHEETS
PROCEDURE
Subject Synonyms
Special Elements
Transition Words
materials
steps
now
since
then
while
after
at this point
before
finally
first, second…
lastly
next
Subject:______________________________________
_____________________________________________
Modify to meet your grade level standards
COMPARE AND CONTRAST
Subject Synonyms
Special Elements
Transition Words
similarities
difference
the points of
resemblance
another feature
both
by comparison
each
in contrast
similarly
Subject:______________________________________
_____________________________________________
Key Point
CAUSE AND EFFECT
Subject Synonyms
Special Elements
Transition Words
cause
effect
significance
of this
relationship
accordingly
as a result
consequently
for that reason
for this reason
in consequence
in effect so
therefore
thus
Subject:______________________________________
_____________________________________________
Better evidence of mobility.
Few subject describers.
Most barebones consist of a single subject and predicate.
Key Point
Key Point

24. 7th Grade CST Released Item Florence Nightingale, Mathematician
Read the selection and answer the following question.
Florence Nightingale, Mathematician
People think of Florence Nightingale as the perfect nurse spending her whole life working with patients. The truth is that she spent only three important years as a nurse. The rest of her career was spent writing letters and working to improve hospitals by using statistical studies.
Florence Nightingale was born in 1820 to a wealthy British family. During this time, young girls were not usually provided a rigorous education. Their only future would be as good wives and mothers. At the age of 16, Florence Nightingale grew tired of sewing and other “female” activities. She begged her family to allow her to get extra tutoring in mathematics.
By age 24, she decided that she wanted to be a nurse. This decision was terrible news to her family. It was widely believed that only poor women with few morals became nurses. There was no training available in England because being a nurse was just an unpleasant, unskilled job. Florence Nightingale, however, did receive some training in France. She then became the superintendent of the nurses at the Hospital for Invalid Gentlewomen in London. She did an excellent job. In 1855 the British Minister of War asked her to help out in a British hospital in Turkey during the Crimean War.

25. Florence Nightingale agreed to go, and she spent three years in the Crimea. She found the hospital was dirty when she arrived. Many of the soldiers, instead of being cured, died from disease or from dirt in their wounds. She cleaned up the hospital and, by writing angry letters, got better supplies and food from England for the men. Because of her efforts, the death rate at the hospital dropped from 42 percent to
2.2 percent.
When Florence Nightingale returned from the Crimea, she was very ill. She remained ill for most of her life. From that point on, she worked by writing thousands of letters to the government. She used her mathematical skills to prove that cleanliness was extremely important in hospitals. Since most people would not follow difficult mathematics formulas, she invented pie charts. In these charts, wedges in a circle show the relative size of numbers. Because of her letters and use of statistics, hospitals began changing the way they take care of patients. Also, they started training their nurses better.
In 1860, Florence Nightingale used government funds to open the Nightingale School and Home for Nurses in London. Only the best women applicants were accepted. This institution provided the first official opportunity for educated women in England to learn how to take care of patients. Nursing eventually became an accepted and honored profession.

26. Read the selection and answer the following question.

28. 4th Grade CST Released Item
Read the selection and answer the following question.

29. TRANSITIONAL SENTENCES LINKING PARAGRAPHS FIRST: Classify the Facts
F=formation of caves
C=characteristics of caves
A=animal life in caves
M=Mammoth Cave A
Bats
50-60 degrees
Dripping water dissolves stone over hundreds of years
3 rivers, 8 waterfalls, 2 lakes
Extremely dark
Lava cooling as more lava flows underneath
Mammoth Cave
Damp C F A
Eyeless fish and crayfish
Sea waves splash against the rocks
270 miles of passageways on five different levels
Blind frogs and salamanders
Underground river moves rock and sand away
Largest in the world F M M C A F F M M C

30. OUR FACTS ARE CATAGORIZED
Cave Formation
Animal Life
Sea waves splash against cliffs forming a cave
Underground river moves rock and sand away
Dripping water dissolves stone over hundreds of years
Lava cooling as more lava flows underneath
Extremely dark
50 to 60 degrees
Damp
Eyeless fish & crayfish
Blind frogs & salamanders
Bats
Mammoth Cave- Kentucky
Largest in the world
270 miles of passageways on five different levels
3 rivers, 8 waterfalls, 2 lakes
Mammoth Lake
Characteristics

31. ORDER THESE WITH TRANSITIONS IN MIND
Formation
Characteristics
Conditions
Sea waves splash against cliffs forming a cave
Underground river moves rock and sand away
Dripping water dissolves stone over hundreds of years
Lava cooling as more lava flows underneath
Extremely dark
50 to 60 degrees
Damp
Rearrange the facts. End formation with “water” and begin characteristics with “dark”.
Can you find a relationship between cave formation and their characteristics?

32. ORDER THESE WITH TRANSITIONS IN MIND
Formation
Characteristics
Conditions
Lava cooling as more lava flows underneath
Sea waves splash against cliffs forming a cave
Underground river moves rock and sand away
Dripping water dissolves stone over hundreds of years
Damp
Extremely dark
50 to 60 degrees
Now compose a sentence to link them.
Since most caves are formed with water, one would expect them to have similar physical characteristics.

33. WHERE ARE TRANSITION SENTENCES LOCATED?
There is no hard and fast rule.
When occurring at the end of a paragraph, a well-written transition sentence will lead the reader seamlessly to the next key point of the essay.
When used here, try to hint at or imply the forthcoming information, but don’t use the exact words that will be used in the coming paragraph.
A well written transition sentence may eliminate the need to write a topic sentence in the following paragraph. The topic sentence is then implied.
Sometimes transition sentences work well at the beginning of paragraph. When located here, they will serve two functions: transition and topic sentence.

34. ORDER THESE WITH TRANSITIONS IN MIND
Characteristics
Animal Life
Conditions
Damp
Extremely dark
50 to 60 degrees
Eyeless fish and crayfish
Blind frogs and salamanders
Bats
Rearrange the facts.
End characterstics with “dark”.
Can you find a relationship between cave characteristics and animal life?

35. ORDER THESE WITH TRANSITIONS IN MIND
Characteristics
Animal Life
Conditions
sequence by eye organ function
Damp
50 to 60 degrees
Extremely dark
Bats
Eyeless fish and crayfish
Blind frogs and salamanders
Bats
Blind frogs and salamanders
Eyeless fish and crayfish
Now compose a sentence to link them.
The animals that make their homes in caves have adapted to the characteristics of this unusual habitat.

36. ORDER THESE WITH TRANSITIONS IN MIND
Animal Life
Mammoth Cave
Conditions
Bats
Blind frogs and salamanders
Eyeless fish and crayfish
Mammoth Cave – Kentucky
Largest in the world
270 miles of passageways on 5 different levels
3 rivers, 8 waterfalls, 2 lakes
Eyeless fish and crayfish live here
Now compose a sentence to link them.
Eyeless fish and crayfish are found in one extraordinary north American cave.

37. 5th Grade CST Released Item
Read the excerpt below and answer the question on the following slide.

38. 5

39. 7th Grade CST Released Item Composting: Another Form of Recycling
Read the excerpt below and answer the question on the following slide.
Composting: Another Form of Recycling
Recycling can mean much more than aluminum cans, paper, and plastic. Did you know that you can recycle much of your kitchen waste as well? Not only that, but you can provide amazing help to your garden along the way! It is called composting, and it is very easy to do.
When you compost, you put all organic material, except for anything containing animal fat, into a pile where natural bacteria begin the process of decomposition. Items to put into your compost include: vegetable and fruit scraps, grass clippings, leaves, and even coffee grounds.

41. Let’s follow one student over time.
This write-on-demand assessment shows that this gifted student was not performing at an advanced level.
4th Grade

42. practice using targeted structures was assigned.
Daily
caption writing
practice using targeted structures was assigned.
4th Grade

43. Write-on-demand posttest three months later.
4th Grade

44. The student wrote this poem two months after the posttest
The student wrote this poem two months after the posttest. First, the student planned with barebones sentences, then she expanded them.
Flowers bloom
Blossom hide and dance.
4th Grade

45. The student wrote about her teacher at the overhead projector.
Without prompting she diagrammed and analyzed her sentences for mobility and variety.
The same student one and two years later during a “warm-up” write on demand. Upon completing the first piece, the student independently evaluated her sentence structure.
Example 2: It is apparent that this student is confident with elaboration, an identified weakness two years prior. Her effort is expended on switching ink color between lines. Now revision takes-on greater focus.
5th Grade

46. This is a first draft quick-write
This is a first draft quick-write. She wrote it after seeing her teacher taste a piece of candy.
6th Grade
Now that this student’s sentence fluency and voice are well developed, the focus of writing changes to revision.

47. “Knowledge gives wings to creativity and independent thought.”
Guide
p. i
“Knowledge gives wings to creativity
and independent thought.” 47

48. Closure