1. Eddie Izzard
Edward John "Eddie" Izzard is an Emmy Award-winning British stand-up comedian and dramatic actor. His comedy style is expressed in rambling, whimsical monologue and self-referential pantomime.Izzard's works include standup sets Definite Article, more..

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Eddie Izzard:Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord man, you're asking the impossible! "But, the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!" Well … yes, but they're cheating! Everyone knows that marijuana is... a drug enhancement that helps you on track and field to come last ... in a team of eight million … eight million other runners who are all ... dead. #Drugs

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#Tea

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#Money

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Eddie Izzard:There's no Church of England fundamentalism. We can't have Church of England fundamentalism. You know, like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad! … Ah ha … Church of England fundamentalism is impossible because you can't have: "You must have tea and cake with the vicar... or you die!" #Mothers

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Eddie Izzard:If God wrote the Bible, the first sentence should surely be...it's ROUND! #Books - Reading

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Eddie Izzard:And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go… "Fwang" [mimes cat jumping] Lands perfectly, and turn… turn… and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast … [mimes wobbling] You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, [mimes tentative walk] “Fucking ‘ell..! I’m not sure about this…” and a cat on the ground, going, “Easy, Ginger! I'll walk you down!” #History and Historians

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#Colleges and Universities

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"Oh, terribly sorry." #Marriage

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Eddie Izzard:Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal. #Food and Eating

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Eddie Izzard:And then Darwin wrote a book called: Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey YOU! #Books - Reading

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Eddie Izzard:If you've never seen an Elephant ski, then you've never been on acid. #Anger

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#Politicians and Politics

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Eddie Izzard:Beekeepers, yes… They've gotta want to be – "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom … I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps … and their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] I'M COVERED IN BEES!! #Adversity

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Eddie Izzard:Make-up's just crazy anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them... until uhh... well, until you killed them all." #America

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Eddie Izzard:Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she? #Writers and Writing

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Eddie Izzard:Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion – they're two words which are both … different. In spelling. #Philosophers and Philosophy

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Eddie Izzard:What's wrong with wanting an ox? It's the whole basis of trade! #Trade Unions

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Eddie Izzard:The major five religions being Christianity, Judaism, Islam, RCA, Sony, Buddhism and Hinduism. Because apart from the two silly ones, they've all got Jesus in them. I'm not telling you about the two silly ones. ("RCA, they're in the Middle East, aren't they?") 'Cause if you can't work out what they are, you're probably the person in the plane who watches when they do the belt bit. #Communism and Socialism

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Eddie Izzard:Badgers can be choosers. #

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Eddie Izzard:And we're going "Oh, Captain Clever! Whoahoho! Rattle it and if it doesn't go off, it can't be a bomb!" #Prayer

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