1. COUPLES COMMUNICATION WORKSHOP
He said …
She said …
COUPLES COMMUNICATION
WORKSHOP
Tracey D. Bauer, M.A. LMFT
Rick Bauer, CTACC, CART

2. What is the best/worst relationship advice you have received?
WELCOME!
Please find a comfortable place to sit, introduce yourself to your neighbor, and think about this question:
What is the best/worst relationship advice you have received?
Have the PowerPoint cued to this slide as couples are entering and finding their seats. You may be busy with registration and this is a good prompt for couples to talk among themselves.
Registration checklist:
Roster
Signed form that this is a psycho-educational course,
Materials (7 Principles book, Companion Workbook, pen)
Directions to bathroom and refreshments

3. WELCOME TO THE WORKSHOP!!!
He said …
She said …
WELCOME TO THE WORKSHOP!!!

4. Tracey D. Bauer, M.A. LMFT Prior Navy Intelligence Officer
Former Multimedia Producer
Recorded Blues Singer
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Director, Center for Personal & Relationship Growth

5. What to Expect …
Scientifically based skills and principles that will improve communication and connection in your relationship.
Exercises and interactions that will help you to learn and understand a healthy relationship lifestyle.
Leave understanding better conflict management skills.
Have FUN!
CONNECT – COMMUNICATE!

6. relationship advice you have ever received?
What is the best/worst
relationship advice you have ever received?
Optional Group Exercise: Introductions and Icebreakers
Depending on the size of your class, introductions can include sharing and answering these questions:
What is the best/worst advice you have received about relationships?
What do you believe makes relationships succeed or fail?

7. INTRODUCTION

8. Background - Gottman’s Love Lab
Combining wisdom from four decades of research with over 3,000 couples
Seven Principles toward building a strong, satisfying and meaningful relationship
The book – “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”
Chapter 1: Inside the Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages
Goals:
Feel welcomed to the class
Appreciate the research presented in the 7 Principles Book
Understand the myths of marriage
Provide an overview of what works in relationships
Lecture Main Points:
The book is based on research
Benefits of saving your marriage
Why most relationships fail
Myths of marriage
What does work in relationships
CONTENT EXCERPTED AND SUMMARIZED FROM
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK BY JOHN GOTTMAN

10. How Does Gottman Accurately Predict Breakup & Divorce?
Based on observations in The Love Lab
Patterns emerged
Difference between masters and disasters of relationships
Couple interactions
Communication patterns
Overall satisfaction
Chapter 2: How I Predict Divorce
Goals: Participants should describe the six signs or divorce predictors including:
Harsh vs. Softened startups
The Four Horsemen and their antidotes
Flooding vs. soothing
Failed repair attempts
Negatively rewriting the past
Body language
Lecture Main Points:
Harsh Startup
The Four Horsemen
Flooding
Body Language
Failed Repair Attempts
Bad Memories
CONTENT EXCERPTED AND SUMMARIZED FROM
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK BY JOHN GOTTMAN

11. REDUCING NEGATIVE INTERACTION
He said …
She said …
REDUCING NEGATIVE INTERACTION

12. 1. Don’t Use Harsh Startup
96% of the time, conversations that begin with a harsh startup will end negatively. “You never clean up after yourself; do I look like your mother?”

13. 2. Don’t Use the Four Horsemen
Criticism Defensiveness Stonewalling Contempt
GREAT Video on You Tube!!
CONTENT EXCERPTED AND SUMMARIZED FROM
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK BY JOHN GOTTMAN

14. The Four Horsemen CRITICISM
Defining the problem as a flaw in the partner
You always … You never … YOU …
DEFENSIVENESS
Counterattack
Explaining – Innocent Victim
STONEWALLING
Failure to respond or give listening cues
An attempt to calm down
CONTEMPT
Talking down
Sarcasm
Disrespect – I don’t CARE!
CONTENT EXCERPTED AND SUMMARIZED FROM
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK BY JOHN GOTTMAN

15. 3. Be Aware of Emotional Flooding
The result of perceived criticism and contempt from your partner
Stonewalling is a defense against flooding
Can lead to disengaging emotionally
When flooded – take a break!

16. Signs of Emotional Flooding
Physical evidence of flooding:
100 bpm or higher
Sweating
No ability to think logically
Fight (criticism, contempt, or defensiveness) or Flight (stonewalling)

17. Horsemen Antidotes CONTENT EXCERPTED AND SUMMARIZED FROM
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK BY JOHN GOTTMAN

18. He said …
She said …
TURNING A CRITICISM INTO A COMPLAINT
EXERCISE #1

19. Example …
Criticism: You are always looking at your stupid phone! I never get any attention around here! I might as well line alone!

20. Formula for a Complaint
When ____________ happens,
I feel _____________. It would really help me if _____________ happened instead.

21. Example …
Criticism: You are always looking at your stupid phone! I never get any attention around here! I might as well line alone!
Complaint: I love spending time with you and talking and enjoying each other’s company. When we are together and the phone becomes the focus, I feel unimportant and ignored. It would really mean a lot to me if you could focus on our conversation when we are alone together?

22. A STRONG FOUNDATION He said … She said …
Creating a Positive Perspective
A STRONG FOUNDATION

23. A Strong Foundation Creates a Positive Perspective
Build Love Maps
Share Fondness & Admiration System
Turn Towards Instead of Away
CONTENT EXCERPTED AND SUMMARIZED FROM
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK BY JOHN GOTTMAN

24. Building Love Maps
A detailed knowledge of each other’s world strengthens connection, creates shared meaning & increases tolerance for handling conflict.
Past
Present
Preferences
Personality
Love Languages
Keep them up to date!

25. Love Map Questions - examples
What is your partner’s favorite food?
Name something that makes your partner feel very happy.
What would your partner do with the money if they won$200 million dollars?
What is your partner most afraid of in life?

26. Love Map Questions Continuing Love Mapping at home
Regular Connecting Conversation
Love Maps Cards
Love Maps App

27. Love Languages Words of Affirmation Quality Time Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Find out yours and your partner’s.

28. Personality Type Free assessment at www.humanmetrics.com
Extravert or Introvert
How you gain energy
Sensor or Intuitive
Taking in information
Feeler or Thinker
Decisions & Conclusions
Judger or Perceiver
Daily life preference
Free assessment at
BASED ON MYERS-BRIGGS PERSONALITY TYPE INDICATOOR

29. Sharing Fondness & Admiration
Builds the positive emotional bank account
Creates tolerance
Contributes to Positive Sentiment Override
Makes it easier to keep the horses in the barn!
Be the
NOT the
Teddy Bear
Prickly Pear

30. Turning Towards vs. Turning Away
Turning Towards gives the message that we care, that we are interested.
Take turns when talking
Don’t give unsolicited advice
Show genuine interest
Communicate your understanding – reflect
Take your partner’s side – doesn’t mean agree
Express a “we against others” attitude

31. Turning Towards vs. Turning Away
Example: Your partner’s sister yelled at them for not repaying the money she loaned them two months ago. Your partner is feeling hurt and outraged by the sister’s attitude. (She does owe the money). You say: “I’m really sorry she made you feel hurt and angry.”

32. Turning Towards vs. Turning Away
Example: Your partner got a speeding ticket on the way home. “It was a speed trap!” they yell. “Everyone was going 80 mph. Why do I have to be the one who get pulled over!” You say: “Wow! That seems so unfair. I can understand why you would be really upset!”

33. He said …
She said …
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

34. All Couples Have Conflict …
Masters manage as a team
Masters are friends not adversaries
Masters respect and validate each other’s viewpoints and are interested in learning their partner’s perspective
Masters LISTEN to UNDERSTAND
Masters accept influence and can see that there are other perceptions than their own
Masters care about their partner’s needs as well as their own

35. Speaker / Listener General Rules
Provides structure and predictability in conversation
Minimizes tendencies to interrupt
General Rules
The speaker has the floor  
Sharing the floor
No problem solving – (when you focus on solutions you are not listening)

36. Speaker / Listener Rules for the Speaker Rules for the Listener
Speak for yourself (use “I” statements)  
Don’t go on and on, try to be clear and concise  
Stop, and let the listener paraphrase
Rules for the Listener
Listen to understand – put aside your agenda
Paraphrase and ask for clarification if necessary  
Don’t rebut or offer an opinion  
Don’t ridicule (or make faces including rolling the eyes)

37. Listening to UNDERSTAND
L — Look at the person
A — Ask questions
D — Don’t interrupt
D — Don’t assume
E — Emotions (check yours)
R — Repeat/Reflect

38. 70% of couple conflict is perpetual and HAS NO SOLUTION.
Two Kinds of Conflict
Solvable
Perpetual
70% of couple conflict is perpetual and HAS NO SOLUTION.
Example: Carmen & Bill have a perpetual problem over their different degrees of orderliness. Carmen has the discipline of a drill sergeant, while he is a classic absent-minded professor.

39. Move to Dialogue vs. Gridlock
Masters accommodate their perpetual issues
For Carmen’s sake, Bill tries to think about where he is putting things
For Bill’s sake, Carmen tries not to nag him when things get lost
Neither of them puts the other down because they are different or tries to change their personality
They may gently tease each other and then go on happily with their day

40. Signs of Gridlock The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner
You keep talking about it but make no headway
You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge
When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt

41. Don’t Start with the Solution
Determine your CORE NEED
Then the AREAS of FLEXIBILITY
Areas of Flexibility
CORE
NEED

42. Example
Jack
Core need is to absolutely squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom
Jill
Core need is to absolutely squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle
Areas of Flexibility?

43. Dreams within Conflict
Usually have to do with personality or belief systems
Examples:
Parenting Styles
Finances
Orderliness
How involved are we with extended family
Etc.
Understanding each partner’s view is KEY in these situations

44. Using Blueprints for Conflict Management
Moving from Gridlock to Dialogue

45. SUPPORT DREAMS & SHARED VISION
He said …
She said …
SUPPORT DREAMS & SHARED VISION

46. Supporting Each Other’s Dreams

47. Creating Shared Meaning

48. He said …
She said …
QUESTIONS

49. THANK YOU FOR COMING! He said … She said … WWW.CPRGNET.COM
Slides & Horsemen Handouts
Available :
THANK YOU FOR COMING!
TRACEY BAUER