1. When Sex Gets Complicated: Pornography Infidelity & Cybersex
Marty Klein, Ph.D
IMHCA
3/13/16

2. What do most people say they want from sex?
1) Pleasure
2) Closeness
But that’s not what most people
focus on
before or during sex!

3. What do people focus on during sex?
How they look, sound, or smell
Preventing unwanted activity
Ignoring (or preventing) pain
Discerning partner’s feelings or judgments
Trying not to climax too quickly
Hurrying to climax
Suppressing emotions
Trying to function “the right way”
Persuading partner to do certain activity
(Ignoring) distracting thoughts/feelings

4. What can make sex complicated?
Shame, guilt, embarrassment
Performance anxiety
Feeling separated from partner
Hiding from partner
Fear of psychological exposure
Being sexual when you don’t want to
Doing things you don’t want to
Fear of pregnancy or disease
Difficulty resisting distraction
Physical pain

5. What ordinary people do
Masturbation
Pre-marital sex
Pre-marital “virginity”
Extra-marital sex
Pornography
Romance novels
Internet sexuality
B/D-S/M
Non-monogamy
Role-playing; fantasies
Piercings
Anal sex
Shave/wax pubic area
Makeup sex
Costumes
Commercial sex
Adult entertainment
Sex toys
Sex games
Sex clubs
Cross-dress
Voyeurism/exhibitionism
Same-gender sex
Risk-taking
Threesomes
Fetishes, paraphilias
Friends w/benefits
Post-breakup sex
Posting sexual pictures to amateur porn sites

6. Be very slow to use typicality to reassure patients!
“Normalizing”?
Don’t adjudicate what’s “normal”
Don’t refer to what “most people” do or want
Don’t refer to what “women” or “men” ‘typically’ want or don’t want
Be very slow to use typicality to reassure patients!

7. All new technologies are applied to sexuality ASAP
Pottery
Tatooing
Electric street lights
Videotape & VCR
Internet
Office printers
Second Life
Photography
Printing press
Electric motor
Car
Telephone
Herbal medicine
78-rpm records

8. Sexuality & current technology
Sexting
Sex toys
Teledildonics
Avatar sex (e.g., Second Life)
Grindr, other tools for hooking up
Skype sex
Pornography, erotic novels
Apps for birth control
People reading stuff on the internet
How social media & smartphones are shaping human communication

9. Sexuality and the internet
Ashley Madison
Facebook
Chat rooms
Role-playing
Dating sites
Hookup sites
Sexting
Couples cybersex
Porn

10. As with everything the internet touches, we wonder:
What is real?
What matters?

11. Not everyone on Match. com is looking for a match
Not everyone on Match.com is looking for a match! What ARE people looking for in these various forms of cybersex?

12. What did you want to feel? What gave you what you wanted?
And as with all decision-making, online or offline, the eternal clinical questions remain:
What were you doing?
What were you feeling?
What did you want to feel?
What gave you what you wanted?
What were you feeling or thinking about when you made your decisions?

13. What has the internet NOT changed?
What people want from sex
What makes people inhibited about sex
What people hesitate to reveal about themselves
The similarities between male/female sexuality
People finding reasons to disqualify themselves
The passion, inexperience, & anxiety of youth
The advantages & disadvantages of aging
The heartache of betrayal
Power struggles in relationships
The presence of existential dilemmas; sex as a vehicle for struggling with them

14. Affairs raise fundamental issues about the meaning of love, trust, commitment, & individuality. Patients have to decide these meanings for themselves.

15. Common clinical assumptions about sexual exclusivity
It’s the gold standard of relationships
People who dislike it, don’t want it, or have trouble with it are immature or conflicted
It’s a reasonable, “normal” goal for adults
Healthy sexual desire is driven by love
Lack/loss of desire can be explained and fixed
Couples should be able to work out any issues about this

16. When we reify the “normality” of monogamy, we’re not helping anyone!

17. Sexual exclusivity? Flirting Masturbating online Contacting ex-
Dinner & drink w/co-worker
Sex worker
Profile on match.com
Slow dancing w/others
Fantasizing about others
Watching or reading porn

18. the desire for intimacy vs. the desire for autonomy

19. the desire to be known vs. the fear of being known

20. the desire for sexual novelty vs. the desire for sexual predictability

21. the desire to feel attractive vs
the desire to feel attractive vs. the shrinking number of those who find us sexually attractive

22. One way people deal with these conflicts is by infidelity or other sexual betrayal.

23. S/he may be acting out the feelings of both partners.
The betrayer isn’t the only one in the couple dealing with these conflicts.
S/he may be acting out the feelings of both partners.

24. Some ways of dealing with these conflicts are more socially approved than infidelity:
Depression
Overwork
Overparenting
Over-entwinement w/parents
Obsession w/making money
Constantly redecorating
Health problems

25. An “affair” is a contract violation.
What’s the contract?
Do the partners agree on this?
Renegotiating the contract— which can be painful and tedious— may be part of resolving an affair.

26. Then people can discuss the contract.
If one partner feels betrayed, that must be acknowledged— without admitting guilt.
Then people can discuss the contract.

27. Renegotiating the couple’s contract may be an excruciating, drawn-out process.

28. We need to help people be honest about the contract they really want.
Otherwise, they’re planting the seeds for future dissatisfaction.

29. Getting people to be honest about what they really want— as opposed to what they’re willing to settle for— can also be a tedious process.

30. Secrecy vs privacy Individuation vs exclusion
“Emotional affairs”?
Secrecy vs privacy
Individuation vs exclusion

31. What do many adults want
What do many adults want? adventure, excitement, novelty We say “adults should be able to create that within a relationship.” This is our ideology, not fact. After all, how many people do so?

32. Most adults in modern relationships have created separate lives.
It can be confusing (or disappointing) when one partner says the other has violated a boundary.

33. The conflict over that boundary can be fiercely emotional, with each partner marshalling arguments & resources.
Don’t get pulled into voting on whether something is or isn’t an “emotional affair.”

34. Online “affairs”
The issue isn’t “is it an affair,” but rather “I feel betrayed” or “I feel left out or pushed away.”
Or “I feel mistrusted or misunderstood.”

35. If not, it’s probably by unwritten agreement.
Realistically, is there room in the relationship for betrayer to tell the truth?
If not, it’s probably by unwritten agreement.
Let’s remember to be compassionate.

36. “Emotional affair”
Experiencing part of ourselves that has no place in (our) marriage
Can help us avoid unresolved existential issue—like “am I still attractive?”
Does NOT have to be sexual to be erotic
Does spouse feel they have any responsibility for maintaining connection with partner?
Calling it “emotional affair” can make partner defensive; “I feel left out” or “I don’t understand” is more helpful.
What truths about the relationship that NEITHER wants to discuss are revealed by the emotional affair?

37. Telling partner “I forbid you” makes things worse, and lacks dignity
Telling partner “I forbid you” makes things worse, and lacks dignity. What is person trying to accomplish with this demand?

38. And are generally not satisfied with them.
“Why did you do it?” “How could you?” Most people in pain want simple answers.
And are generally not satisfied with them.

39. Most unfaithful people say (and mean) “I love you.”
The betrayed wants to hear it, but is afraid to believe it.
And if it’s true, what will protect me next time—since you betrayed me while loving me?

40. How do I know you won’t do it again?
How have you changed? What will you do differently? How will we change?

41. Recovery from infidelity requires adult skills
How to accept the consequences of one's decisions
How to compromise without feeling betrayed
How to tolerate others' feelings
How to self-soothe
How to communicate when embarrassed, ashamed, angry, lonely, or anxious

42. Recovering from betrayal
You have to want to. It may take time even to want to.
You don’t have to know how you’re going to recover in order to want to recover.
Delicate balance of making it the other’s fault, vs. healing the problem together.
Taking your own pain seriously, vs. the need to create cooperative environment.

43. The betrayed Does the betrayed… have any responsibilities?
understand the betrayer’s pain?
acquire rights? For how long?
now own the relationship?
get to mind-read or psychologize betrayer?
now repudiate the entire relationship history?
Does betrayal justify whatever betrayed then did?
What exactly does betrayed want?

44. The betrayer Does betrayer understand the betrayed’s pain?
What is betrayer’s understanding of what s/he did?
Does betrayer lose all rights?
What does betrayer want?
Does betrayer intend to change?
What?
How?
Why?
When?

45. No one can prove they’re being faithful.
That’s why it’s called “trust.”

46. But it doesn’t add to trust. It prevents the development of trust.
Monitoring one’s betrayer may give the illusion of security, and be a form of punishment…
But it doesn’t add to trust.
It prevents the development of trust.

47. Resist and interpret the betrayed’s demand that betrayer divulge everything.
Resist and interpret the betrayer’s impulse to gratify the demand to divulge everything.

48. Do one or both of them want to reconcile?
What are the conditions?
Do they have a joint vision of the desired relationship?
Do they want the sex to be different?
If they want change, how will they create it?
How will they measure the change?
Why should they stay together?
How will they know they “survived” the infidelity?

49. I want to express my feelings
Contrasting agendas:
I want to reconcile
vs.
I want to express my feelings
If you damage the relationship enough when expressing your upset, you may not have much left to reconstruct.

50. Who decides? Who evaluates the results?
The betrayed is in pain. Are there any limits to how it can be expressed?
Who decides?
Who evaluates the results?

51. The usual laws of relationship are still in effect after infidelity:
There are consequences to how we express ourselves.

52. The betrayed can damage the relationship
Telling people: family, kids, friends, community
Damaging property
“Revenge” affair
Public shaming
Harming partner’s job/career
Harming oneself
Violating partner’s privacy
Becoming bitter
Refusing to participate in joint events
Feeling entitled to revenge or punishment

53. The betrayer can damage the relationship beyond the infidelity
Lack of empathy (too ashamed, too angry)
Response to partner’s angry response
Try to get back to normal too quickly
Demanding too much change, or too quickly
Unrealistic expectations about the lover
Expecting sex too soon
Comparing partner to lover
Denying reality
Rolling out information gradually
Resisting having a reconciliation plan
Resisting self-awareness

54. Couples struggle over the narrative of what happened.
Let’s help them do this cooperatively, although consensus may be elusive.

55. The betrayed may feel this (or other) suggestion means you’re taking the betrayer’s side.
Since a key subject here is power, notice how patients deal with power with you.

56. A betrayer’s contract of fidelity isn’t their partner’s—it’s their own.
Ideally, one keeps it not to prevent partner’s anger, but because one wants to honor one’s promise.

57. We do NOT want anyone acquiescing to a contract of fidelity.
That’s part of what got the betrayer into their current problem— they didn’t own the contract.

58. Treating (perceived) betrayal
See the system
Don’t take sides
Betrayer doesn’t lose all rights
Betrayed’s rights aren’t limitless
What does Betrayed want w/info s/he’s requesting?
Who defines the transgression?
Asking Betrayed to tolerate our fairness is a way of maintaining their relationship
What’s the goal of counseling now?
Put boundaries around Betrayed’s anger
They need a story for the public
They’re still a partnership, right?

59. Genuine pain about porn
“I watch more than I intend to”
“I feel guilty”
“I feel inadequate compared to porn”
“I want a partner with a perfect body”
“I know she doesn’t like it”
“I hate keeping a secret”
“He has a secret life”
“I feel left out”
“It’s something I just don’t understand”
“I trust him less”

60. Common model of how porn affects consumers
porn use → w/d from relationship think of porn during sex → disconnect during sex

61. Competing model of how consumers are involved with porn (1)
x→ w/d from relationship → porn use x → disconnect during sex → think of porn during sex

62. Competing model of how consumers are involved with porn (1a)
x→ w/d from relationship ↓ porn use
x → disconnect during sex ↓ think of porn during sex

63. X can be… OCD, depression, bipolar disorder Resentment Mistrust
Sense of inadequacy
Shame, guilt, or anxiety
Cultural confusion
Masturbation is the only kind of sex that is satisfying
Over-entwinement
Trauma, PTSD
Inhibited sexual desire
Boring, frustrating, or painful sex
Couples conflict * non-sexual: money, parenting, inlaws * sexual: birth control, preferences, logistics

64. Most common configuration of pornography & relationship
pornography use

65. If we don’t like what those are, we shouldn’t blame porn.
Porn is the repository of humanity’s fantasies & curiosity about sexuality.
If we don’t like what those are, we shouldn’t blame porn.

66. What most male & female consumers say about porn use
Aid to masturbation
Validates self-image as sexual, vision of a sexual world
Looks like abundance
Know it’s a fantasy (& know the tropes)
It’s easier than a troubled relationship
It’s no substitute for a good relationship
They don’t necessarily think of actors during partner sex
They value actors’ self-acceptance & enthusiasm
Their partners’ feelings about it are confusing
They don’t tell others to avoid it

67. We—and our patients— could be more curious about the contrast between those who experience porn pain-free, and their partners in pain about porn.

68. Rather than getting distracted by and blaming the pornography, therapists & patients might ask a simple question:
Why do you prefer sexy pictures or stories to sexual activity with a mate (or in addition to sex with a mate)?

69. Why some people prefer pornography to partner sex
The sex is more satisfying
Ongoing conflict in the couple
No performance anxiety
Control of the experience
Lack of agreement on sexual routines
No startup cost after long absence of couples sex
No contraception or disease prevention struggles
No fertility conflicts

70. Or are they too painful for us to raise?
Most patients (& couples) would rather not discuss these painful issues. Are we raising them in session?
Or are they too painful for us to raise?

71. The painful reality of long-term monogamy:
Typically, the sex gets less frequent, less intimate, less interesting, less nourishing.
All while one or both partners may be getting more invested in the couple.

72. Conflict about pornography (including claims of porn addiction) can be a way a couple avoids discussing this.

73. Therapists who pathologize the decline of sex in long-term monogamy may collude with the couple’s avoidance, rather than challenging it.

74. Common narratives about partner’s porn use
It’s about me—not just systemically, but personally
I have a right to ban it from our life & my home
It causes our problems, and is therefore 1) my business, and 2) irresponsible behavior
I know what you think about it & how it affects you
I’m not desirable enough to compete w/porn images
Interest in it is not normal
Use of it is selfish

75. That is, “Your interest in porn has no legitimacy.”
Is that a message we want to support?

76. Let’s remember that each person is responsible for whatever narratives they create/maintain about themselves or their partner.

77. Porn is a convenient target
I don’t feel as emotionally connected with you during sex as I’d like.
You don’t seem so excited with me.
You have erection/orgasm difficulties with me.
You have low desire for me.
I don’t feel attractive.
I feel embarrassed about my body.
I don’t feel very sexual.
I don’t feel comfortable initiating or responding.

78. Common myths about pornography
Most pornography is violent or women-hating
Porn steals consumers from their partners
Porn use leads to anti-social behavior
Porn industry promotes child porn
Most participants in videos are emotionally damaged
Actresses are typically hurt during production
Reducing porn watching → higher desire for partner

79. Common myths about porn consumers
Consumers want to replace their partners
Consumers dislike or fear women
Consumers are afraid of intimacy
Consumers don’t know porn is a fantasy
Consuming adult porn → consuming child porn
If you watch enough porn, you get addicted
People end up watching porn of the “wrong” orientation
Reducing porn watching → more desire for partner sex

80. How much of the pornography issue is unspoken discomfort about masturbation?
If A doesn’t want B masturbating, there’s no point in discussing pornography.

81. Is porn a form of infidelity?
Don’t get involved in definitions
Legitimize pain & dismay without taking sides
Remind each partner: polysemicity
Ultimately, “infidelity” is just a label
Power struggle—who controls partner’s eroticism?
Power struggle—who controls the narrative of the couple?

82. A common configuration of porn use within a relationship:
“I have the right to forbid you from using it.”
Which means “You better keep it secret.”

83. “I forbid you from knitting.”
Do we generally support unilateral action or demands in a couple when the content is not porn?
“I forbid you from knitting.”
“You may not hang your family’s pictures on the wall.”

84. Whatever the problem, eliminating porn is only one of many options.
To be most helpful, we need to know exactly what someone is objecting to. What problem are they trying to solve?
Whatever the problem, eliminating porn is only one of many options.
We generally prefer that couples choose options together, right?

85. Nuts & bolts of power struggles
Does partner have the right to a porn-free house?
How do they negotiate the contract?
What if they can’t agree on a contract?
What is the relationship behavior complaint?
Which partner is actually obsessing on porn?

86. But doesn’t “porn exploit women?” doesn’t “porn cause rape?”
That’s not relevant in discussions of marital conflict and marital desire.

87. How much legitimacy do we give political perspectives in couples therapy when the subject isn’t porn?

88. “You can’t bring veal into this house
“You can’t bring veal into this house.” “You may not watch TV shows featuring racial stereotypes.” “I don’t want you buying anything made with underage labor.”

89. Pornography → Social Problems? (schematic)
Availability of pornography
Sexual assault
Divorce
Teen pregnancy
Child sexual exploitation
© Marty Klein, Ph.D 2014

90. Clinically, this data is completely irrelevant.
Although we can note that studies show the same pattern is true in Japan, Denmark, Croatia, Czech Republic, and elsewhere

91. Some people are over-involved w/porn in a desperate attempt to stay in a relationship in which they feel sexually dissatisfied or emotionally hungry.
Their partner (or we) may disapprove of this strategy, but the pain—and the intention— may be completely sincere.

92. Many people would rather talk about why men are addicted to porn than talk about why men aren’t addicted to sex with their wives/girlfriends.

93. Self-test for pornography addiction (25 Q)
I have purchased sexual products online.
I have searched for online sexual material through a search tool.
I have participated in sexually related chats.
I have masturbated while on the Internet.
No one knows I use my computer for sexual purposes.
I have tried to hide what is on my computer or monitor.
I have stayed up after midnight to access sexual material online.
I sometimes use cybersex as a reward after a stressful day.
I have met with someone I met online for romantic purposes.
I use sexual humor and innuendo with others while online.
I use the Internet to experiment with sexuality, such as homosexuality.

94. The diagnostic criteria for sex/porn addiction are culturally syntonic for Americans
Guilt
Shame
Secrecy
Denial
Fear of loss
Sexually ignorant or illiterate
Fear that “I’m not normal”
Conflicted about monogamy
Using sex to self-medicate
Lying to mate

95. “Porn addiction”? Any healthy porn use?
Secrecy, guilt are culturally syntonic
Differential diagnosis? Validated diagnostic criteria?
Feeling out of control ≠ being out of control
Impulse problems vs compulsivity
For this patient, why is porn easier than relationship?
How much of this diagnosis is about masturbation?
What (if any) fantasies are OK?
What is “sobriety”? Why?
Assumes a single set of normal activities & reasons to have sex
Any difference between mental fantasy & visual porn?
Diagnosis is easier than discussing low desire; boredom; inhibition; judgments

96. Strategic advantages of believing in porn addiction & sex addiction
Better than “he’s selfish” or “he doesn’t care about me”
Externalize blame
Avoid looking at breakdown of couple’s (sex) life
Demonize lust, passion
Separate sex from other things
Reinforce gender stereotypes
Dignity of a medical problem
Easier than talking honestly about the relationship

97. Many patients (& partners) want therapists to collude with this.
Many people would rather
maintain the narrative of mental illness than talk honestly with their partner about sex.
Many patients (& partners) want therapists to collude with this.

98. Current Sexual Health Reports, 2014 Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2013
Religiosity & shame about sexuality
predicts perception of “I’m a porn addict.”
Current Sexual Health Reports, 2014 Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2013

99. Challenging neuro-voodoo
No data re ED-porn link, or that ED is increasing
No data re masturbating without porn
No data re who isn’t collapsing from porn
Majority of brain studies to date done on rats
Of course the brain lights up
No data that brain changes are permanent
Rate of marriage & cohabiting is staying steady
Women watch porn; what is neuro-effect on them?
Women becoming more empowered every day, despite male porn-watching

100. When clinicians ignore science—Why?
Science conclusively shows that…
Religious people are happier
The rate of sexual violence has gone down
The placebo effect of being on a waiting list
Clinical interventions don’t seem to matter much
Sex offenders’ extremely low rate of recidivism
Almost no children are kidnapped by strangers
S/M participants have better communication skills
Female decision-making and mood stability is often influenced in unwanted ways by menses
Porn actresses have almost the identical mental health profile as non-actresses

101. Growing beyond sexual impulsivity/compulsivity
Learn how to self-soothe
Accept that sex changes over time
See partner as ally, not controller
Identify and resolve existential issues
Realize sex can’t solve all problems or fill all needs
Develop other parts of self, other interests
Be more willing to take own needs seriously
Be more willing to communicate about sex, other things

102. What might their first choice be? Is it available? Could it be? How?
What if we assume that the “addictive” sexual behavior is patient’s second choice?
What might their first choice be?
Is it available? Could it be? How?

103. Possible first choices
Good relationship w/partner
Non-anxious sexual experiences
Self-revealing, and being accepted
Non-performance oriented sex
Enthusiastic partner—and not feel threatened by it
Partner interested in his fetish or preferences
Not feel guilty about what he wants in real life

104. The human brain has trouble managing unlimited hunting opportunities.
How much of “out of control” porn use is “out of control” internet use?
The human brain has trouble managing unlimited hunting opportunities.

105. When people try to create “porn sex” and fail, or they succeed and don’t enjoy it, how do they explain this?
Men and women have been struggling to reconcile media portrayals of sex with their own, lesser experience for over a century.

106. How Porn Shapes Consumers’ Expectations
This is what sex is like
This is what satisfaction is like
This is what men are like
This is what women are like
“Sex” is all about the sex

107. Some porn leaves out a lot of what people like about sex
Anticipation
Inviting & responding
Kissing
Caressing
Laughing
Whispering
Feeling close
Talking afterwards

108. We sometimes hear
“He saw it in porn, and now he wants us to do it.”
“He expects me to look like a porn star.”
“He feels bad when he doesn’t perform like a porn star.”
“He’s lost interest in me, but is interested in porn.”
None of this is about porn— These are statements about individuals &/or the relationship.

109. As usual, focusing on content may be of limited value.
The very first thing people need to do is talk honestly. Most couples don’t.
That may take a while. Until then, diagnosis & treatment are premature.
As usual, focusing on content may be of limited value.

110. If necessary, women need to educate their mate: I like this, not that.
That’s not an unreasonable responsibility. Both genders have that job in every sexual relationship.
Women have to communicate— not due to porn, but because that’s how adult sexuality works.

111. Helpful things you can learn from porn
Men & women can touch themselves during sex
Men & women can hand-insert a penis into a vagina
Vulvas can look really different from each other
Pregnant women can be sexual—and desired
A man can be satisfied ejaculating outside a vagina
The clitoris can be important in any sexual activity
Some men like cunnilingus; some women like fellatio
Some people enjoy sex toys—and can use them as a couple

112. Check on the woman’s self-image as a sexual object.
“If you can fantasize about a beautiful young woman, why would you focus on me?”
Check on the woman’s self-image as a sexual object.

113. “I can’t compete with those women”
They’re not “women,” they’re actresses; cf competing w/Katherine Hepburn or Scarlett Johansson (or John Wayne or George Clooney)
If partner doesn’t want you, it’s not because you’re not like an actress
If you can’t accept your body & sexuality, don’t blame porn
If there’s competition, it’s with masturbation
If it’s competition with actresses, it’s with their characters’ enthusiasm and self-acceptance— which you can develop & express for yourself

114. This is an existential issue.
We all must come to terms with our mate not being Hugh Jackman or Jennifer Lopez,
Hillary Clinton or Tom Stoppard

115. A culture awash in porn needs porn literacy.

116. Promoting porn literacy
Is porn real?
How does your partner feel about it?
Why do you watch it? Why does your partner?
There’s a wide variety of material
Do you experience choice about watching?
Adult porn v. child porn
Do you have a good sexual connection w/someone?
Using porn as self-medication
Women’s anxiety about safety, or discomfort with their bodies, should be addressed separately from critiquing porn

117. If we don’t like what those are, we shouldn’t blame porn.
Porn is the repository of our culture’s aspirations and fears about sexuality.
If we don’t like what those are, we shouldn’t blame porn.
And rather than fearing the results, we should encourage non-political discussion of them.

118. If we don’t like porn as sex ed, we should push harder for real sex ed.
And we shouldn’t bash porn as a poor sex educator while ignoring the church, fashion & music industries, the mainstream media, etc..

119. Marty Klein, Ph.D Klein@SexEd.org