1. Raising Grateful Kids in an Over-Indulgent World Bette Alkazian, M.A., LMFT Balanced Parenting Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Parent and Family Coach bette@balancedparenting.com www.balancedparenting.com 805-230-2464

3. What I define as over- indulgence: Giving our kids too much stuff Expecting too little responsibility Expecting our kids to be over-achievers or over-involved in activities Sheltering our kids from the realities of life (i.e., over-protecting, smoothing over the consequences, lawnmower or curling parenting, etc…)

5. Know Yourself First How were you raised? Are you fulfilled in your life? How are your relationships? How do you behave when you fail or make a mistake? (E.Q.) What kind of role model are you for your kids? (E.Q.) What do you expect of your children and what do those goals fulfill for you?

6. Are our kids prepared for life? Do you speak for your children? Are you over-involved in their lives and relationships? As they get older we should be separating a little more each stage Let them fall so they learn to have faith in themselves that they will be ok – without your intervention

7. Outside Stuff vs. Inside Stuff There are images everywhere of things that kids want to possess Toys, toys, toys… Video games/consoles Cell phones/iPhones i-pods/i-pads Laptops/Tablets Hoverboards Cars How many images do our kids see of people they want to be like? Who are they looking at and up to? Talk to them! From whom are our kids learning about character? What character traits are important to you and what are you doing to ensure that your kids learn them? More importantly, what mixed messages are you conveying?

8. External Focus We’re finding that kids who focus too much on “outside stuff” experience more: Anxiety & Depression Somatic complaints Drug/alcohol use Emotional problems Sexual promiscuity Relationship issues - disconnectedness Are we filling in the spaces of time and bad feelings with stuff? Are we teaching them the coping skills they need?

10. Expectations What do kids expect of themselves? Too much? = where is it coming from? Not enough? = are we doing all of the work for them? What do kids expect of us? Do they get “bored”? Entitlement Who’s in charge?

11. Emotion & Values Teaching Opportunities It is essential that we teach our kids about feelings and coping. They are in control of their feelings – not victims of them Emotion coaching Can they delay their gratification? We must infuse values lessons into every limit set Respect, responsibility, kindness, compassion, integrity, honesty, etc…

12. Reality Parenting We must teach our kids how the world really works Logical consequences Don’t fix everything for them! Self-esteem comes from doing! Give them opportunities to do for themselves We must be able to tolerate their discomfort – this teaches them to tolerate their own discomfort (E.Q.)

13. Reality Parenting (cont’d) Do not rob your kids of the opportunity to feel proud of themselves by earning something, doing something for themselves or waiting patiently for something they really want Do our kids expect us to give them and do for them unreasonable things? It’s not our job to make our kids happy!

15. Gratitude & Optimism (E.Q.) Teach gratitude – daily Say “thank you” Say “No” to the stuff – shows gratitude for what you already have (delay gratification to increase their appreciation) Practice gratitude – nightly gratitude routine, gratitude journal, gratitude drawings, etc… Be an example of gratitude Be aware of always striving for more and bigger (houses, cars) Don’t forget to stop and say thank you for what we have Teach optimism & emotional intelligence Depression-proof your kids! Give them hope and belief in the good in the world

16. Helping Our Kids to Blossom What do they love? How do we feel about it? Do we encourage and nurture their passions? Do we give them space in their lives to explore those interests/passions and others? Can we do all of this without over-indulging? If kids are interested in something, they will be willing to work for it! No silver platters, please! It’s a privilege not a right!

17. Relationships & Responsibility Kids’ relationships within their family Relationships with their friends Relationship with their community Relationship with the world Use these relationships to teach your kids about being responsible citizens of this world. Focus outside of self

18. In Summary Balance: Between the outside stuff and the inside stuff Between your agendas and your kids’ needs What is good for your kids and how much is too much Education about feelings and values and modeling it through your own relationships Reality with optimism

19. Books on this topic The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine, Ph.D. Too Much of a Good Thing by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. Raising Self-Reliant Children In a Self- Indulgent World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. Gottman, John, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

20. THANK YOU FOR COMING THIS MORNING!