1. Drama Vs. Bullying: What’s the Difference? Bullying is using power or strength to make someone feel worthless. Usually defined as being one way and repeated. Drama is an exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. Always defined as a conflict where both people are actively involved and not serious or hurtful.

2. Copyright 2009 RPW, Inc. Use only with permission Girl World Rules of Expressing Anger Internalize and suffer silently. Deny feelings by saying, “Fine” or “Whatever” Internalize until something small (to everyone else) makes you explode in tears and/or screaming and are dismissed.

3. Copyright 2009 RPW, Inc. Use only with permission Girl World Rules of Expressing Anger Uses alcohol/drugs/cutting to deaden or release anger/anxiety. Externalize by having a “You have no idea who you are dealing with” attitude. (uploaded to internet for a larger audience) Physical fight. (uploaded to internet for a larger audience)

4. STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later? EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want. AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge. LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out. SEAL

5. Stop:Claire thinks about where to confront Gabby. She knows they both usually get to school a little early. Explain: “Gabby, we used to sit together all the time. But when the other girls are there, you say inside jokes and you roll your eyes whenever I say anything. If I eat with you I don’t want you to make me feel like you don’t want be there.” “You’re the one who’s sitting with us! It’s not like anyone’s forcing you!” Affirm/Acknowledge: “I realize I haven’t been giving you enough space and we don’t have to be friends like we used to. But you can’t keep me guessing about how you’re going to treat me every day. Fine! I’m sorry! Lock (vacation): I don’t want you to apologize if you don’t mean it. So I’m not going to sit with you for awhile.

6. You feel liked by the person. You don’t feel that the person wants to put you down They will stop if you ask. Good Teasing The teaser doesn't know how you feel because you won’t tell them. Or They blow you off with, “I was just joking.” “You’re so sensitive!” Ignorant/Maliciou s Teasing You’re teased about something you’re insecure about. If you defend yourself, you’re “uptight” or threatened with ending the friendship. Relentless and public. Bad Teasing/ Bullying

7. My Relationship Rights List the three rights that are most important to you in a relationship or friendship. 1. 2. 3.

8. My Deal Breakers List three ways that someone could treat you where you would consider ending the friendship/relationship. 1. 2. 3.

9. Did you hear what everyone is saying about you? Copyright 2012 RPW Inc. Common responses: Disappear until graduation Immediately talk to whoever you can, go to FB, and check what people are saying. Plot with your friend about how to get back at the person who you think started it. Say, “Whatever, it’s not worth it.” But really worry about it a lot.

10. STOP: What is the messenger’s motivation? Your answer: “Thanks for telling me. Please don’t talk about this with others.” Explain: I’m hearing that you’re talking X about me. I’m not asking to tell me if the gossip is true. I’m asking that if any part of it’s true that you stop. I know I can’t control what you do but I’m showing the respect to come to you face to face to ask what’s going on. There’s nothing going on. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Affirm/acknowledge: If I did something that upset you I want to know. But if you’re mad at me, you have to tell me. Lock (if appropriate) We used to be good friends. If you ever want to talk about this, I’m here. Getting Some Control

11. Maya: I want to talk to you about you taking my phone. Jordan: You know I was just kidding! Maya: Taking my phone without telling me and then sending those texts to Will really embarrassed me. Jordan: You’re making such a big deal out of this! If you did it to me, I wouldn’t care! I’d think it was funny!” Maya: Well, you’re not me so you can’t tell me how I feel. Jordan: Fine, if you can’t take something so little as this, then we really don’t need to be friends. Maya: Friends have to be able to tell each other what they’re really thinking. Think about it and get back to me.

12. You’re hanging out with a guy who used to hang out with another girl. You have a ton of mutual friends. At a recent party, the girl loudly said “Slut!” and then laughed when you walked into the room. Today someone tells you that she’s trashing you on her FB wall or Twitter. She didn’t name you specifically but it’s obvious that she’s talking about you and she’s come up with a rude nickname. Do you… Pretend it’s not happening? Ask the guy to talk to her? Start your own FB war?

13. Have a face to face conversation or send one private email or FB message using SEAL: At the party last night, you yelled, “Slut” whenever I came into the room. I’m pretty confident that what you said was directed at me. But even if it wasn’t, it’s still wrong. And I know you’re writing the same thing on your FB wall. Obviously, I can’t control what you’re saying about me and I don’t expect to be friends with you but I have the right to hang out at parties.

14. Telling to get someone in trouble. The goal is to make the problem bigger and more public. Telling because the problem is too big to solve on your own. The goal is to right a wrong. SnitchingReporting vs.

15. Assess on the approach. Don’t ask the group who’s responsible. Get group on task with promise to follow up individually. Assess as they leave. In the moment

16. Remind parents this is one moment not a lifetime. To the student: With paper in hand say, “X was reported to me. Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate? If the person was sitting right here, what would they say-- even if you think it was wrong.” To the student: With paper in hand say, “X was reported to me. Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate? If the person was sitting right here, what would they say-- even if you think it was wrong.” Sometimes it’s easy to forget things. So if you remember something important in the next four hours, please let me know. However, after that time and it appears that things were deliberately omitted there will be more severe consequences. The child is the Bully

17. Can you tell me why you think we’re meeting right now? Rolls eyes. Because you think I’m mean to Kayla and Megan and I’m not. I don’t understand why this has to be such a big deal. Are you good at joking around like this with people? Like you’re quick with comebacks? I guess. Do you tend to be good at winning arguments? Maybe. Has anyone you’ve called gay or retarded or made a joke about their religion, ever asked you to stop? No.

18. Can you think of a reason why? How should I know? If you’re good at arguing and comebacks, why would someone not tell you when they don’t like something you’re doing? Silence. Well, it’s not my fault if they can’t speak up. I’m speaking up for them. Making comments and jokes like this are unacceptable, even when the person doesn’t say anything.

19. I want you to get this so there are no surprises. You must stop these comments. I know you can continue doing this when I’m not around. You can tell your friends how stupid this conversation was. If you do here are the possible consequences: I think we’ve had a good conversation but I do need to explain one more thing. If the target’s life becomes more difficult as a result of this conversation, then that will force me to take these possible steps... I don’t want to but I want you to be clear about how seriously I take these issues when it happens to any student--including you. If you were on the other side of this, I’d be trying just as hard to protect you. Please feel free to tell your parents about this conversation.

20. Want to Reach Me? Email : rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com Phone : 202.545.0633 Web : rosalindwiseman.com Facebook : Search “Rosalind Wiseman” and join my Page Videos with Middle Schoolers: Cartoon Network Stop Bullying Page Twitter : www.twitter.com/rosalindwisemanwww.twitter.com/rosalindwiseman Special discount for Owning Up curricula! 25% off Researchpress.com Code D342 05/16/11Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

21. http://www.youthvoiceproject.comhttp://www.youthvoiceproject.com/ The Impact of Bullying Climate on Schoolwide Academic Performance Anna Lacey and Dewey Cornell Curry School of Education University of Virginia, July 9, 2011 South Park “Kyle Has No Friends”and “Breast Cancer Show Ever” Pew Internet and American Life Project. School Climate 2.0 Justin Patchin and Sameer Hinduja, Corwin Press 2012 Imagine Jonah Lehrer Houghton Mifflin 2012 Who’s Doing Great Work?

22. Network Centrality, Gender Segregation, and Aggression, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, American Sociology Review February 2011 Social Networks and Aggression at the Wheatley School, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, Department of Sociology, University of California at Davis September 2011 AHMIR “Perfect” find it on vimeo.com Danah Boyd Hanging Out, Messing Around, and Geeking Out: Kids Living and Learning with New Media 2012 Hanging Out, Messing Around, and Geeking Out: Kids Living and Learning with New Media 2012 Reality is Broken: Why Games Makes Us Better and How They Can Change the World Jane McGonigal, Penguin 2011 Justice: What’s the Right Thing to Do? Michael Sandel, Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2009