1. Observing Faith and Emotional Process in Ministry Life Emlyn A. Ott Healthy Congregations, Inc. www.healthycongregations.com

2. Thinking Systems, Observing Process Making use of the symbols used for family diagrams, make a brief diagram of your family of origin including you and your siblings, your parents and your grandparents. Using the same symbols, create a “picture” of a current leadership challenge you are facing.

4. Ott Family Diagram

5. Ott Family Collage of Pictures

6. Conflict at the Friedens Kirche Staff situations that were particularly problematic for me S (BB) office manager and S (BBBB) organist – both problems intensified when it was perceived that they were no longer being listened to, and the congregation seemed to be listening to my leadership Issues of expectations from family and congregation (first woman pastor in synod and town) History in congregation of acting out of pastoral leaders and change in leadership

7. Comfort at the Friedens Kirche Pastoral relationships appeared (and felt) easier when there was an understanding about sex and rank or complementary roles (sibling position) When stewardship process was going well; when perception was that I was around more; following completion of a major program or project Could comfort be a neutralizing of leadership? dynamism of comfort and challenge necessary for human beings How to turn up the heat thoughtfully?

8. “Leadership on the Line” – Ronald Heifetz Dangers of leadership take many forms – marginalization, diversion, attack, seduction Stay in the dance Responses to leadership – get on the balcony, think politically, manage your hungers, turn up the heat, give the work back, anchoring yourself Distinguishing role from self (pseudo and basic self) Keep confidants but don’t confuse them with allies Seek sanctuary

9. What Do the Stories of Our Biblical Brothers and Sisters Have to Offer? Acknowledgement that God has the view “from the balcony” about the blessings of a faithful life; we, like our faith parents, continue to be involved in the dance. Do we learn new dances? What we think might be flawed could be something transformed or transforming for a future generation. We need to stay within the dance. Then family dynamics have the possibility of being shifted—thoughtful relationships and personal “giftedness” with humility can lend itself to maturity – for now and for future generations

10. Steps toward Differentiation of Self with Respect to our Leadership and Faith Life Increased thoughtfulness about whose theological water we carry…and what the adaptive challenges are that God’s has put within our realm Developing a separate one to one relationship with family members increases our ability to do so with staff colleagues, judicatory leaders and congregational members with whom we struggle Expand the contact beyond the “usual suspects” to include cousins, aunts and uncles (and of course parents if they are still alive) Bring out the emotional reactivity in faith and life Be present at times that anxiety and intensity are higher and visible

11. Anything Else? Recognize and work on changing one’s own reactivity (no emotional or spiritual connections, avoidance, passivity, blame, physical symptoms) Increase thoughtful responses Define the principles that you operate out of Define belief system Develop increasing (gulp) courage Try, try, try. Practice at home, on the phone, and at vestry and staff meetings

12. Conversation with Guidelines When people speak, do not interrupt, comment or question. Briefly describe your position in your family. How did your family manage anxiety? What were the significant challenges that your family has faced? What were the important nodal events? Important triangles? Describe your current leadership challenge. Who are the main characters? What position do you occupy? How would you understand the place that sibling position might play? Where does the anxiety reside? Important triangles? Anyone do too much in the system? Any important history at play?

13. Some Things to Consider In what ways to do we keep in touch with family and congregational members… And with whom… The IDEAL is separate, equal and open relationships If we can see the triangles, we can address them. Many times it takes assistance to see them. Encourage your own creativity and that of others always. Lighten the mood—humor helps. Be aware of immaturity (Jonah, Abraham, others?…) but don’t go along with it. A walking sermon is better than a talking sermon when we are thinking systems and observing process. Define what you are willing and not willing to do. Keep in touch with the anxiety, because there is no such thing as a “non-anxious presence.” Calm thoughtfulness about our faith and ourselves is catching. If we work on self, everyone benefits—behind, ahead and around. The best ministry leaders have the best family relationships.

14. Next Steps What would one small baby step would you like to take to give yourself room for greater solidity in your family? What could be your contribution to encourage spiritual and emotional maturity in your ministry setting?