Now that I'm retired I decided it’s time I finally learned to play golf; you know-- golf--that’s a game where you chase a ball over the country when you’re too old to chase a woman So I went down to the golf course and asked Jones, the Pro, if he’d teach me to play. “Sure,” he said. “You’ve got balls, haven’t you?”

Well, yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they’re kinda hard to find.” “Well, bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we’ll tee off about 10.” “What’s ‘tee off’?” “Oh, that’s a golf term; we tee off out here in front of the clubhouse.” “Not me; you can tee off if you want to, but I’ll tee off behind the barn or somewhere.” “No, no; a tee is a thing about the size of your little finger.” “What?”

“Yes, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on it.” “Say, do you play golf sittin’ down? I always thought you stood up and walked.” “You do; you’re standing up when you put your ball on the tee.” Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far, and I said so, and he said, “You do have a bag, don’t you?” “Yes.”

“Your balls are in the bag, aren’t they?” “Of course!” “Well, you can open the bag and take one of the balls out, can’t you?” “I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to!” “Do you know how to hold your club?”

“Well after 60 years I ought to have some idea.” “Well, first, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder.” “Oh, no, that’s not me; that’s my grandfather.” “Just how do you hold your club, then?” “Before I thought, I said, “In my fingers and... none of your damned business!”

He said that wasn’t right and got behind me and put his arms around me and said he’d show me how, but he couldn’t catch me though. I didn’t put four years in the navy for nothing! “After you hit the ball with your club, it will soar and soar and soar.” I said, “I could well imagine!” “Then you are on the green

“What green?” “That’s where the hole is.” “Are you sure you’re not color blind?” “I’m sure. Now then, take your putter." “What’s a putter?” “That’s the smallest club made.” “Oh, well, that’s what I’ve got--a putter!” “Then with your putter, you put the ball in the hole.” “You mean the putter?”

“No, the ball; the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and putter both.” “Hell, I’ve seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon!” “After you make the first hole, you go the next 17.” “Oh, no, not me; after one hole, I’m shot all to hell. It takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how will I know when I’m to the 18th hole?" The red flag will be up." "Just my luck!”

I have learned one thing today and that is, golf isn’t for me.