KING PHILIP AND THE BANANA And other stories

Once upon a time there was a King named Philip. Now King Philip loved to eat fruit. In fact King Philip loved fruit so much he had his own special orchard KING PHILIP AND THE BANANA

With an apple tree with nice crunchy apples. And a pear tree with fat juicy pears. And a plum tree with purple, red and green plums. And a cherry tree with a hundred thousand million black cherries. And even an orange tree in a specially heated greenhouse.

Now one day, a visitor from a hot country brought King Philip a specially interesting present - a banana. And King Philip peeled the banana and took a big bite and said -

“Bulaah!” And the visitor from the hot country said - “bananas never really taste the same unless you’ve grown them yourself”

He built a special new greenhouse with its own central heating. And a gardener from the hot country to look after it. So King Philip had a tree brought specially from the hot country.

And on the banana tree there grew a very nice green banana. And the green banana ripened and turned yellow.

And King Philip peeled the banana and took a big bite and said - Who gave it to King Philip. Then the gardener picked the banana from the tree. And gave it to the King’s gardener. Who gave it to the King’s cook. Who put it on a plate and gave it to the King’s butler

“It tastes like any other old banana” “Bulaah!” And threw it in the dustbin!

When the Palace played the Town at cricket, King Philip was the opening batsman for the palace. KING PHILIP PLAYS CRICKET

When the BUTCHER BOWLED, King Philip hit the ball to cover point where the postman caught it. But King Philip said that wasn’t out because the ball bounced just after he hit it. Everyone shouted “Howzat” and the umpire said “Out!”

When the blacksmith bowled, King Philip missed the ball completely and the greengrocer, who was the wicket-keeper whipped off the bails. Everyone shouted “Howzat” and the umpire said “Out!” But King Philip said that wasn’t out because he’d left the edge of his toe in the crease.

When the carpenter bowled, King Philip hit the ball past the oak tree and set off for a quick single. But the milk-maid picked the ball up and hit the stumps with a long throw. Everyone shouted “Howzat!” and the umpire said “Out” But King Philip said that wasn’t out because girls can’t play cricket and he was in anyway.

When the bank manager bowled, King Philip took such a terrific swing that he spun round and fell all over the wickets. Everyone shouted “Howzat!” and the umpire said “Out” But King Philip said that wasn’t out because he had completed the stroke before he hit the wicket.

When the cobbler bowled, King Philip missed again and the ball hit his leg right in front of the wicket. Everyone shouted “Howzat!” and even the square-leg umpire said “Out” But King Philip said that wasn’t out because the ball would have just missed the leg stump.

When the newspaper boy bowled, he spun the ball past King Philip’s bat and actually knocked down all three wickets. Nobody shouted “Howzat!” and the umpire didn’t say anything either.

“I suppose that must be out” Which is why sometimes King Philip is called - And King Philip looked at the stumps all over the ground and said - Philip the Bowled

KING PHILIP AND THE BOILED EGG Once King Philip went to a farm for his summer holidays. And he had a fresh brown boiled egg for breakfast every morning.

So when he came home he told the cook he wanted a boiled egg for breakfast.

But when King Philip bashed the top off, it was not quite soft enough. King Philip said “I want it nice and runny so I can dip my toast in it.” So the next day the cook tried to make it a little softer.

So the cook tried again and this time King Philip said it was more like a cricket ball. But when King Philip bashed the top off, it was even harder - more like a rubber ball, he said. And the next morning King Philip’s egg was as hard as a rock. And he said “If I don’t get a nice runny boiled egg for breakfast tomorrow that cook will be thrown in the dungeons” So King Philip said “Bring that terrible cook here immediately.”

So now for his breakfast every morning, King Philip has - “I boiled that last one all night long and it’s still hard” And the poor cook was brought before King Philip and he said “Oh King Philip, I’ve tried so hard to make those eggs soft”

Fried egg and sausages!

KING PHILIP AND EDWARD THE GHOST Once King Philip read a book all about ghosts and castles.

There were ghosts who rattled chains in tall black castles. And ghosts who marched about without their heads in fat green castles. Ghosts with sheets over their heads in happy red castles. And ghosts who were invisible in smart modern castles.

But he didn’t get any replies because there are no such things as ghosts really In fact, it was so scarey, that King Philip decided he ought to have a ghost in his castle and he put an advert in the paper “Wanted, hard- working ghost for general haunting duties in well-equipped castle (generous holidays)”

Then one day he found a small boy in his living room. “Who are you and what do you want?” said King Philip. “My name is Edward” said the boy, “and I’ve come to apply for the ghost job”

“Well,” said Edward “I’ve never tried it, but I could easily practice” “Oh,” said King Philip “can you fly on a broomstick around the castle in the moonlight?”

“Oh yes. I can do that” said Edward, “because I’ve seen that on television” “Hmm” said King Philip “that doesn’t seem very good. “Can you walk about with a sheet on your head without bumping into things?”

“Oh yes,” said Edward “I’ve read all about that in a book” “Well,” said King Philip, “can you rattle chains and frighten people?”

“Of course” said Edward “I saw an invisible ghost when I went to the pictures” “And,” said King Philip “can you clump up and down the stairs and make yourself invisible?”

“No,” said Edward “but I’ve got a friend who will show me how to do it” “Well,” said King Philip “I’ll bet you can’t take your head off and march around with it under your arm”.

“Well” said Edward “I don’t think you are much of a King if you have got a castle without a ghost” “Humph,” said King Philip “I don’t think you are much of a ghost if you can’t do all those things” And he turned round and walked straight through the door.

Without even opening it.