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Facial hair and you. Making use of uselessness.

Rorschach / Abstract. Stop this madness. YOUR FACE: It is what you make it.

Home grown. Stop this madness. As you may or may not be aware, I’m growing a beard. So I thought it germane to deliver a survey of the beard in contemporary times. FACT

Beard heritage. Stop this madness. In order to address the beard objectively, it is important to establish a solid foundation. To be sure, the beard is an arbiter of culture, class, power and piety. Roman Deity Viking Papa Papa Bear HISTORICAL CONTEXT

Contemporary survey. Stop this madness. The myriad types of facial hair we find in these modern times can be highly technical in their everyday execution. Here are just a few samples: La Souvarov A sideburn / moustache combo, wherein the sideburn curves downward toward the corner of the mouth, then curves upward to the moustache. The Balbo A wide version of the goatee, accompanied by an unconnected moustache. The Giribaldi A wide, full beard with a rounded bottom and integrated moustache. The Imperial A moustache connected to hairs on the cheeks, which point upward, do not curl over, and leave the chin and sideburns bare. Old Dutch A full beard, worn square and without a moustache, cheeks are covered, chin is bare. SOURCE: TYPES & DEFINITIONS

Handlebar and Chin Puff. Stop this madness. Though the below listing is nowhere near comprehensive, it is demonstrative of the fact that there is a beard style for nearly every day of the year. VISUALIZING YOUR STYLE

Epic facial #fails. Stop this madness. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG While facial hair is by definition subjective, there are numerous examples within the tradition of clear transgressions against the form. To wit:

Identifying traits. Stop this madness. SURRENDER TO THE HIPNESS Urban Dictionary defines hipsters in part as “a subculture (with) an appreciation of art and indie-rock...” blah blah blah. They like facial hair. Two examples: Accidental Hipster: Paul Bunyon Original Hipster: Sir Paul Key Identifyers Skull cap Knowing smirk Flannel Shirt Beard Key Identifyers Coffee Ugly sweater Photography habit Beard SOURCE:

Blurring the lines. Stop this madness. BROOKLYN vs. BROOKLYN Hipster or Hassid? An eternal question, and one that I frequently ask myself while strolling the favored borough of the young and hip. Let’s watch: If confronted by either of these elusive species, in their native environment, would you, if pressed, be able to tell the difference?

Strange days. Stop this madness. POINTS FOR ORIGINALITY Whatever the reason, Northern European men with complicated beards get a lot of credit for all of their hard work, proving that a beard can be a labor of love: This takes skill: Star man The genuine article: Octopus face Age: 39 Beard age: 5 Nationality: Dutch Occupation: n/a Age: 67 Beard age: 67 Nationality: German Occupation: Cobbler

Beard all you can be. Stop this madness. Though you may not be aware, your facial hair is a conversation starter. So use it for good, not evil. CONCLUSION

Beards everywhere thank you.