BEREAVEMENT CARE AWARENESS

SECTION 1 Introduction

GROUP AGREEMENT AND CONFIDENTIALITY What ground rules do we want in the group to help it run smoothly?

BEREAVEMENT CARE AWARENESS AIMS TO: Develop knowledge, skills and understanding of how churches can be involved in providing appropriate levels of ongoing support to those who are bereaved.

OUTCOMES On completion of this training you will: Gain basic information of the impact bereavement has in people’s lives and the different ways in which individuals commonly respond. Have had the opportunity to reflect on your own experience of bereavement. Be able to identify the basic needs of bereaved people. Be able to identify key factors in providing effective support.

OUTCOMES To identify the key factors that are essential for churches to provide effective bereavement support. To know the questions to be addressed in considering whether it is appropriate for you or your church to develop or be involved in this. To gain information on models of bereavement support that churches can provide. To gain information on support services that are available locally and nationally.

KEY FACTS AND FIGURES Over half a million people die in the UK each year. 88% of funerals have some ‘religious’ content – although the number of secular funerals is increasing rapidly. Information on the availability of bereavement support is not routinely given by funeral directors, registrars and NHS professionals – or churches.

SECTION 2 Death, society and the Church

DEATH AND SOCIETY Discussing and thinking about death and dying has become society’s last taboo. Until they are bereaved themselves, it doesn’t touch many people’s lives closely. Most people no longer understand the support that bereaved people need and hope that they will ‘get over it’ soon. This leaves bereaved people unsure and ignorant of available support.

DEATH AND THE CHURCH Many people who would not consider themselves churchgoers still turn to the church in a time of bereavement. Some churches see their role merely as one of liaising with the family at the time of the bereavement and organising the funeral.

DEATH AND THE CHURCH Many churches gave limited support around the time of the funeral or with an annual memorial service. Few did anything beyond this. Most wanted to do more but were limited because of lack of resources. Few knew much about the availability of bereavement support organisations or other resources. The most pressing needs were for information, resources and training.

DEATH AND THE CHURCH Jesus wept with Lazarus’s family at his death (John 11) and was ‘filled with compassion’ at the grief of the Widow of Nain (Luke 7). The early church was greatly exercised to give support to widows and orphans (James 1).

DEATH AND THE CHURCH “Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” Psalm 126:6

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SECTION 3 Reactions to bereavement

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE Emotions are what you feel. Expressions are what you do. Thoughts are what you think.

THE WAY PEOPLE GRIEVE Grief is complex and influenced by a number of factors: The quality and type of relationship they have with the person who has died. How, when and where the person died. The age, gender, personality and level of understanding of the grieving person. Their previous experience of significant loss. Their cultural and religious beliefs and influences.

THE WAY PEOPLE GRIEVE Their involvement in mourning rituals. Their family and social support network. Their other concurrent stressors. Their upbringing (learnt behaviour).

EXPRESSIONS OF GRIEF Emotional Physical Psychological Behavioural Spiritual

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SECTION 4 Understanding bereavement

THEORIES AND MODELS OF GRIEF Worden Dual process model Continuing bonds Tonkin’s model

THE NEEDS OF BEREAVED PEOPLE Needs that are common to most are: For their grief to be ‘normalised’. To understand a little more about the journey they are on and to be given strategies to help them while they are on it. To understand that their journey is unique to them, that they will get through (not over!) it and that there is no time limit. To feel understood, listened to and supported. To have the opportunity to explore spiritual issues.

THE NEEDS OF BEREAVED PEOPLE To know that there is hope for the future and that there can be a new ‘normal’ life that is not the same as before, yet can still be good. To be given information on the availability of and how to access support services. To receive practical support – particularly in the days and weeks after the death.

WHAT CHURCHES COULD DO Demonstrate they care. Help those who are bereaved to understand the bereavement journey. Let them know where they can get further support.

WHAT CHURCHES COULD DO ‘Be there’ for them. Provide emotional support. Provide spiritual support. Provide other support.

SECTION 5 Working with bereaved people

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION We can demonstrate care and understanding and the desire to help through: The words we say The tone of our voice Our body language

RESPONSES TO LOSS Unhelpful things that people can say: “I know exactly how you’re feeling.” “Time is a great healer.” “It’s a blessing in disguise.” “At least they got to live to be that age.” “Oh well, you’re young enough to have another child.”

RESPONSES TO LOSS Responses that are unhelpful for bereaved people: People not mentioning what has happened People crossing the road to avoid speaking to you People overwhelming you with their experiences of loss Being told not to cry

RESPONSES TO LOSS Responses that are unhelpful for bereaved people: Being told to get on with life Being told to cheer up Being expected to be back to normal after a couple of months Quoting scripture out of context and in an insensitive way (e.g. Romans 8:28)

RESPONSES TO LOSS More helpful comments and responses: “I’m sorry to hear about the death of your mother”. “I can’t imagine how you are feeling”. Allowing someone the space and time to be listened to Remember: Saying something is nearly always better than saying nothing at all.

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COMPLEX AND COMPLICATED GRIEF The features of complex and complicated grief: Prolonged and intense yearning and longing for the person who has died Recurrent intrusive and distressing thoughts Difficulty concentrating and accepting what has happened Difficulty moving beyond acute state of mourning Feeling that life is now meaningless and holds no future happiness or satisfaction

COMPLEX AND COMPLICATED GRIEF Complex grief is more likely in these situations: The death of a child Suicide ‘Lifestyle’ deaths − for example, drugs overdose Sudden, traumatic death Death of a relatively young person Death where there is no body Murder or manslaughter Multiple bereavements

SECTION 6 Conclusion

WIDER CONSIDERATIONS Dependency Children and grief Self-care Structure and standards

FURTHER INFORMATION For information and resources on bereavement support visit For more information about our marriage and parenting resources visit

PERSONAL REFLECTION We have: Considered the impact bereavement has in people’s lives and the different ways in which individuals commonly respond Reflected on our own experience of bereavement Identified the basic needs of bereaved people Identified key factors in providing effective support Identified the skills, structure and safeguards needed to provide appropriate levels of support to bereaved people Considered whether it is appropriate to develop or be involved in supporting bereaved people Looked at the different models of bereavement support

THANK YOU FOR COMING