Got Conflict? RESOLVING CONFLICT IN THE LOCAL CHURCH “How to Biblically deal with conflict in the church” Or “Preventing it from happening in the first place” Don Matthews Church Health Consultant (CHAMPS) South Carolina Baptist Convention

What does the Bible have to say about conflict in the church? Phil 4:1-9 4 Therefore, my brethren dearly beloved and longed for, my joy and crown, so stand fast in the Lord, my dearly beloved. 2 I beseech Euodias, and beseech Syntyche, that they be of the same mind in the Lord. 3 And I intreat thee also, true yokefellow, help those women which laboured with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and with other my fellow laborers, whose names are in the book of life. 4 Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. 5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. 6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Matt 18: "If your brother sins against you go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 18 "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be d bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be e loosed in heaven. 19 "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." NIV Matthew 18 Is it about Conflict? Discipline? Restoration?

Three pre-requisites to building harmony in the church 1.Does it “Glorify God?” 2.Does it “Edify the Saints?” 3.Does it “Impact Lostness?”

I.UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT A. Principles I.UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT A. Principles PRINCIPLE #1 CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE PRINCIPLE #2 CONFLICT CAN BE CONSTRUCTIVE PRINCIPLE #3 THE FIRST STEP IN UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT IS TO TAKE AWAY THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. WHILE CONFLICT HAS THE POTENTIAL OF AFFECTING RELATIONSHIPS IN AN ADVERSE WAY, IT CAN ALSO PROMOTE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR UNDERSTANDING. “Don’t be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.” Hamilton Wright Mabie

I.UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT A. Principles I.UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT A. Principles PRINCIPLE #1 CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE PRINCIPLE #2 CONFLICT CAN BE CONSTRUCTIVE PRINCIPLE #3 THE FIRST STEP IN UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT IS TO TAKE AWAY THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. WHILE CONFLICT HAS THE POTENTIAL OF AFFECTING RELATIONSHIPS IN AN ADVERSE WAY, IT CAN ALSO PROMOTE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR UNDERSTANDING.

I.UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT A. Principles I.UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT A. Principles PRINCIPLE #1 CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE PRINCIPLE #2 CONFLICT CAN BE CONSTRUCTIVE PRINCIPLE #3 THE FIRST STEP IN UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT IS TO TAKE AWAY THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. WHILE CONFLICT HAS THE POTENTIAL OF AFFECTING RELATIONSHIPS IN AN ADVERSE WAY, IT CAN ALSO PROMOTE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR UNDERSTANDING. The Chinese symbol for conflict (Chong Twu) is a product of two words: Danger Opportunity “Conflict is seen as disharmony between incompatible or opposing persons, ideas, or interest; a clash”

–Bill Hybels “When your nose gets bent out of joint—not if, but when—you have a biblical responsibility to take the high road of conflict resolution.”

Conflict in the church “The church revolves around the close relationships formed within the congregation. Because of this, many believe that a church is a place where deeply caring people who love and mutually support each other gather to worship, where conflicts are nonexistent and ‘never is heard a discouraging word.’” When Sheep Squabble – Glenn C. Daman “Since conflict is a reality pastors face in small-church ministry, they need to understand the dynamics of conflict within the small church and develop godly methods for resolving it. While conflict can affect a church of any size, when it arises in a small church it can devastate the spiritual well-being of the congregation and undermine its ministry for years to come.”

Common Causes For Conflict 1.Tribal Warfare 2.Change 3.Personalities 4.Policies 5.Personalities

Common Causes For Conflict 1.Tribal Warfare 2.Change 3.Procedures 4.Policies 5.Personalities

Common Causes For Conflict 1.Tribal Warfare 2.Change 3.Procedures 4.Policies 5.Personalities

Common Causes For Conflict 1.Tribal Warfare 2.Change 3.Procedures 4.Policies 5.Personalities

Common Causes For Conflict 1.Tribal Warfare 2.Change 3.Procedures 4.Policies 5.Personalities

Issues Worth Battling Over  Biblical infidelity. No discounting the teachings of Christ  Living out what we believe. Biblical teaching must affect daily lives  Our church’s vision. All leaders must support this  Verbal discipline. Keeping cool in confrontation or conflict

Ways to Prevent Conflict 2.Increase check-ins in tense times 3.Have monthly question-and-answer times with leaders 4.Have regular feedback sessions with others in ministry 1.Regularly check to see if everything’s okay

“My horoscope says this is a good week to preach against false doctrines.” Conflict Situation

“Results of the vote are 40 yes, 7 no, and 1 ‘over my dead body.’ ” Results of Conflict

B.Myths about conflict: 1.Poor relationship skills 2.Individual agendas 3.Anger can only be destructive 4.Leave It Alone 5.Resolve Now! B.Myths about conflict: 1.Poor relationship skills 2.Individual agendas 3.Anger can only be destructive 4.Leave It Alone 5.Resolve Now!

II.Characteristics of Conflict A.As conflict escalates, concern for self increases. B.As self-interest escalates, the desire for a win/lose attitude increases. C.Even nice people can become destructive as conflict escalates. D.As conflict increases mediation strategies that work at low levels are often ineffective. E.Conflict may skip levels. F.People are likely to be at different levels during the conflict.

The Unhappy Knights of the Round Table

III.Stages of Conflict Stage One Conflict – Normal, on-going conflict that requires little action or reaction. Stage Two Conflict – Progresses from avoidance of day-to-day irritations to a “win – lose” attitude. Stage Three Conflict – Quickly shifts from wanting to win to hurt and destroy.

4.Learn and practice T.E.A.M. Building Trust Healthy Conflict of Ideas Commit To Decisions Mutual Accountability Focus On Results Moving the church towards accomplishing its vision and mission T.E.A.M. = TOGETHER EVERYONE ACCOMPLISHES MORE

IV.Conflict Mediation

IV.Suggestions For Conflict Mediation A.Focus on building winners – Voting builds losers. B.Declare a moratorium – Remember that relationships are more important than solutions. C.Encourage equal participation. D.Listen Actively…Verbal and Non-Verbal 1. Listening says you are important 2. Listening provides understanding. 3. Listening separates facts from opinions. 4. Listening separates people from problems.

Conflict and Personal Growth 1.Listening Skills Verbal “Tomorrow students I want you to bring your book on Plato.”

Conflict and Personal Growth 1.Listening Skills Non-verbal “Now don’t jump to any conclusions, lets see what they had to say to Bob.”

V.Cautions for mediation A. Don’t get caught in a power struggle. B.Don’t become detached from the conflict. C.Don’t let the conflict establish the agenda. VI.Five Stages of Mediation A. Establish the parameters. B.Collect the information. C.Frame the issues D.Generate the alternatives E.Evaluate the process F.Develop accountability for solutions.

VII.SIX RULES FOR A FAIR FIGHT A.Conflict can be healthy and useful for a church. It is ok for people to differ with one another. B.Resolutions for the sake of quick agreement are often worse than agreements that are carefully worked out over time. C.Fair conflict includes:  Deal with one issue at a time  If more than one issue is present, agree on the order and priority of the issues to be addressed C.Fair conflict includes:  Deal with one issue at a time  If more than one issue is present, agree on the order and priority of the issues to be addressed

6 RULES FOR A FAIR FIGHT  Examine all elements of the conflict  Alternative solutions to the conflict  Examine all elements of the conflict  Alternative solutions to the conflict D.If anyone is uncomfortable with the setting in which the conflict resolution is raised, change the setting. E.Inappropriate conflict includes:  Name calling  Mind reading  Inducing guilt  Rejecting  Sharing confidential information E.Inappropriate conflict includes:  Name calling  Mind reading  Inducing guilt  Rejecting  Sharing confidential information

F.Fair conflict always allows people who are charged with poor performance or inappropriate behavior to:  Know who their accusers are  Learn what their accusers’ concerns are  Respond to those who accuse F.Fair conflict always allows people who are charged with poor performance or inappropriate behavior to:  Know who their accusers are  Learn what their accusers’ concerns are  Respond to those who accuse

VIIICalculating the Cost of Ineffective Conflict Resolution A.Loss of Congregational Vitality B.Loss of Integrity and Reputation in the Community C.Evangelism Curtailed D.Numeric Losses E.Personal Losses F.Ministry Strain G.Program Curtailments H.Financial Losses A.Loss of Congregational Vitality B.Loss of Integrity and Reputation in the Community C.Evangelism Curtailed D.Numeric Losses E.Personal Losses F.Ministry Strain G.Program Curtailments H.Financial Losses

I.Degraded Decision Making J.Ministry Ineffectiveness K.Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical Stress L.Personal Regret M.Conflict undermines the morale of the pastor. N.Conflict undermines the morale of the church. O.Conflict affects the testimony of the church. I.Degraded Decision Making J.Ministry Ineffectiveness K.Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical Stress L.Personal Regret M.Conflict undermines the morale of the pastor. N.Conflict undermines the morale of the church. O.Conflict affects the testimony of the church. “Unresolved church conflict costs too much! The manner in which church leaders handle their differences today suggest what the church’s health, stability, and ministry effectiveness will be tomorrow.”

Glorify God Believing that in all things we need to glorify God in all we do, I do hereby convent to: 1.Strive earnestly, diligently, and continually to live at peace with those around me. 2.Remember that Jesus’ reputation is affected by the way I get along with others. 3.Guard against Satan’s schemes and false teachings, which are designed to promote selfishness and indicate conflict. 4.Trust that God is in control and working for my good and the good of others. 5.Give God praise and thanks for his goodness and his help.

Glorify God 6.Obey God’s commands even when doing so is difficult and requires sacrifice. 7.Use conflict as an opportunity to serve others by: helping them to find godly solutions to their problems; helping them bear their emotional, spiritual, or material burdens; helping them to see where they have been wrong and need to change. Encouraging them to put their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and teach and encourag them by your example. 8.Cooperate with God as he prunes me of sinful attitudes and habits, and helps me to grow to be more like Christ. 9.See myself as a steward and managing myself, my resources, and my situation in such a way that God would say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”