1. Welcome again to Miss Marine Vertebrate 2009! I’m your host, Hyla cinerea Vern Frog. As you know, every year we vertebrates gather to crown the queen of the seas (or pond as the case may be). Now, this is the final week of the pageant, and so, there are only three contestants left. But before we introduce the judges and contestants, let me tell you a little about myself:

3. Now, obviously we must have judges for the pageant, so let me introduce the fabulous three! Standing in as judge of Beauty and Fashion, Melopsittacus undulates Marsha Parakeet!

5. Thank you, thank you. I look forward to judging all of you.

6. Okay… Moving on. As judge of Intelligence and Skill: Chelonia mydas Johnny Turtle!

8. Uh, Johnny?

9. Down here Vern, but I’ll be there in a second!

10. Anyway. And now, our final judge, judge of well… Everything else. The fabulous Platypus wilsoni Penelope Platypus Platypus wilsoni Of course you will..

12. Why thank you Vern. I’m delighted to be here.

13. And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for; the contestants!

14. All the way from Australia, Ms. Manta birostris Linda Ray!

15. From Japan, Mrs. Betta splendens Rita Beta!

16. And finally, Ms. I can’t believe she made it this far because she’s so ugly- erm, Ms. Eptatretus stouti Wilma Hagfish.

17. Now, in order, give me an example of the perfect date.

18. I love visiting coral reefs and lagoons, so my ideal date would be one where we visit one of those places, and my date doesn’t attach himself to me and try to mate, even though I’m bigger and could crush his little body if I wanted to-

19. OKAY! Thank you. Have a seat. Rita, your turn.

20. My idea of the perfect date is in a fresh water pond with a nice guy who will attack any other male he sees.

21. Um, why?

22. Betas are very territorial. The men kill each other on the spot if they see one another. Hence the name “Japanese Fighting Fish.” DUH

23. Alright Wilma, your turn.

24. She’s a hermaphrodite. Couldn’t she just take herself on a date?

25. My ideal date is on the ocean floor slimy guy who would tie himself in knots for me.

26. I don’t even want to know why. That’s it, I need a break. Let’s review our contestants shall we?

30. The whole place is going crazy! Wilma is trying to suck off the flesh of the judges!

31. Why isn’t this working? I have a shell you idiot!

32. Linda and Penelope are wrestling each other in the judges’ lounge.

33. Marsha is having a mental breakdown in the rafters of the studio. No, Polly doesn’t want a cracker!

34. And Rita just left so she could clean her tank!

35. Get out while you still can, this place is a madhouse!