1. Consent & Relationship Behaviors
Things that make or break our relationships!
Consent & Relationship Behaviors

2. Myth or Reality? I can change him/her All you need is love
Improving communication skills can improve relationships
You can depend on your partner or others to make you happy
This relationship failed because I haven’t found the right person yet
I can’t live without him/her
It is normal to get so angry that you slap/hit/grab someone
You always have to work at a relationship, even if it is healthy one

3. Consent – What is it? Enthusiastic YES that’s free from coercion:
Manipulation or guilt
Repeated asking
Threats or Peer pressure
Body language matches their words of Yes
Ongoing conversation!
Never assume because they said yes before, they continue to want it!
Only YES means YES – don’t wait for a NO
Acknowledge the awkward & ASK if unsure!

4. Relationship Definitions
Bond or connection between two or more people
List some of your relationships in each category:
Family
Friends
Peers
Platonic relationships
Romantic relationship

5. What is Intimacy? Emotional Physical
A spiritual or emotional connection with someone where you share goals, dreams, fears, hopes (sibling relationships, parent-child, friends)
Physical
A physical connection, usually involving some sort of physical expression between two people (dating relationships, marriages, committed couples)‏

6. How do we improve our relationships?
Practice Assertive Communication Skills
Focus on the problem, not the person!
Accept people for who they are
Remember you can’t “change” anyone
If you can’t, move on
Set a good example
Be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with!
Be patient / Take a TIME OUT
Just because things don’t always go well doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed
Take a TIME OUT if you start getting angry (Don’t make the other person “lose” so you can “win”
Know when it’s time to move on
Sometimes a relationship may never be healthy. Knowing when and how to end a relationship is important!

7. Positive Behaviors Listening- this is key, it builds most of the rest
Trust, Respect & Honesty
Assertive communication
including Fighting FAIRLY, no name calling, holding grudges, etc
Genuine Positive comments
Caring behaviors
Acceptance & Understanding
Laughing & having fun together
Keeping care/friendship/romance “alive”
Share common values

8. Negative Behaviors Jealousy Insults/name calling
Getting angry/losing temper
Threatening (self or partner)
Possessiveness/ Controlling
Being overly dependent
Unrealistic expectations
Never pleased with anything you do (“You always are late, you never call me back” etc)
Asks you to do things they are expected to do (chores, homework, etc...)‏
Makes you feel bad about yourself more often than they make you feel good

9. RED FLAGS: Signs of an unhealthy relationship:
Frequent use of anger and guilt
Intimidation / Threats / Embarrassment
Minimize, Deny, Blame
Any Violence (emotional, sexual coercion or physical)
Isolation
Drug and alcohol abuse
Sexual coercion/manipulation
“Gut feeling” of sadness, discomfort, danger, or feeling drained when or after you’re together

10. Teen Dating Violence Facts
1 in 11 teens reported being in a physically violent relationship last year
1 in 3 report verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse
Look at Power & Control Wheel
The Line between caring and controlling (video link)
It’s On Us - No More PSA
Choose Respect video

12. Risk Factors for Teen Dating Violence
Poor communication skills
Inability to manage anger
Early age of first sexual experience
Friends and family members who experience dating violence
Drug and alcohol use
Acceptance of the use of dating violence
Low self esteem
Belief in traditional gender roles

13. Identifying Healthy & Unhealthy Relationships practice
 Sarah & Jamie have been “a thing” for a few months now and are not yet officially dating.  When they hang out, Jamie jokingly grabs Sarah’s cell phone to see who else she’s been texting.  When Sarah tells Jamie to stop taking her phone, Jamie laughs and says, “What’s the big deal, if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn’t even matter!”
 As Jamie looks through Sarah’s phone, despite Sarah trying to get it back from Jamie, Jamie notices Sarah has been texting with her ex lately.  Jamie suddenly goes from laughing to being jealous and withdrawn and throws the phone towards Sarah on the couch.
 Sarah asks what’s wrong and Jamie says, “I thought I could trust you! I can’t believe you’re texting your ex when you said you two were done!  This is why you didn’t want me to see your phone, isn’t it?!  I should have known you were a liar and a slut!  I can’t believe you would hurt me like this!  I thought I was falling in love with you!  Forget this, I’m outta here!” and then Jamie suddenly leave.  Sarah is left feeling angry, hurt, and confused.

14. What can we do to help? 866.834.4357 (HELP) – 24/7 hotline
Listen to the victim, let them know you care
NEVER blame the victim!
Say something while the behavior is happening, like “That is NOT ok!”
Ask the person being abused if they want help or have sought help
(HELP) – 24/7 hotline

15. Ok or No Way Game?
Can you tell healthy from unhealthy behaviors in a relationship?

16. Love vs. Lust “Me” Centred Jealousy/Suspicion Lots of “bad” fights
“We” Centred
Trust & Honesty
Few “bad” fights
Responsible (birth control, STD prevention)‏
Private Intimacy
Accepts the other
Friendship grows continuously
Good Communication
Grows over time
“Me” Centred
Jealousy/Suspicion
Lots of “bad” fights
Irresponsible
Public Intimacy
Tries to change the person
Sexually Based
Poor Communication
Fast relationship

17. What do I want in a Love relationship?
Convince me that you understand love vs. lust and healthy relationships.
What do you think romantic love feels like or looks like?
How do you think you will know it is “true love” vs. lust or infatuation?
What are all the characteristics you want in a long-term love relationship? Discuss “must haves” and “deal breakers”
What exactly is lust? How do characteristics of lust fit into your ideas about love?
Give examples (or non examples) from your life’s experiences

18. Breaking Up in a Healthy Way
1. Make the decision to end it
Think it through based on what is best for you overall
2. Prepare for feelings of sadness/loss &
Don’t let uncomfortable feelings over the breakup prevent you from doing what is right for you
3. Choose a neutral location
Meet up so both people arrive and leave separately
4. Explain your reasons
Let them know where you are coming from
5. Make the end final
don’t go back because you are lonely, guilty, etc
6. Develop your other relationships – including with yourself!

19. Ending Relationships: Why they end
Typical reasons:
Changes in needs, goals, interests or values
Differences in what people want out of the relationship
Unmet expectations or personality issues
Differences in sexual desires
TROUBLE SIGNS:
One person stops listening or becomes emotionally absent
Increases in unresolved conflicts
Stop enjoying time together
Feeling the relationship is not worth saving
ANY physical, sexual or emotional abuse

20. Case Study on Breakups
Chris is a serious student who hopes to get an academic scholarship at a top-ranked college and has been dating Jesse for almost a year.
Jesse is very interested in Chris and having a good time with friends. Jesse usually studies the night before an exam (if at all) and is happy with a C average in school. Jesse plans to get a job after high school.
Lately, Chris & Jesse have had a bunch of fights over school, grades and how they spend their time. Chris cares about Jesse and wants Jesse to go to college. Jesse wants Chris to just “relax” about school. After a long night of talking about the future and their goals, Chris realizes that the relationship with Jesse should end.

21. Case Study: Questions
What signs exist that show the relationship is in trouble?
Why does Chris want to end the relationship?
How should it be ended?
What should Jesse do after the relationship is over?

22. Did you realize???
Dr. Willard Harley discovered we tend to keep “track” of we are treated by others and have a “bank account” of sorts.
For example, accounts go “up” when we are treated well and go “down” when we are treated poorly
It takes 5-15 POSITIVE acts to counter the negative impact of just ONE harmful act or statement
See chart next page

23. Relationship Bank Transactions
Deposits:
Humor
Appreciation
Encouragement’
Honesty
Generosity
Acceptance
Trust
Understanding
Withdrawals
Anger
Criticism
Selfishness
Dishonesty
Disrespect
Judgment
Resentment
Betrayal
It’s much easier to maintain a healthy relationship than fix a broken one!

24. Key Points
It’s easier to maintain a healthy relationship than to fix a broken one.
Healthy relationships make you feel good!
It’s ok to end a negative relationship!
YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL in all relationships!