1. SAFE AND HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS
CHAPTER 12
SAFE AND HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS

2. Peers
People of similar age who share similar interests.

3. Types of Peer Relationships
Friendship – a significant relationship between two people
Based on:
Caring
Respect
Trust
Consideration

4. Platonic Friendship
A friendship with a member of the opposite gender in which there is affection but the two people are not considered a couple

5. Casual Friendships
Relationship between two peers who share something in common
Classmates
Teammates
These are people you may sit with a lunch or school events
Don’t form deep emotional ties with these people

6. Close Friendships Strong emotional ties
Feel comfortable sharing your thought, feelings, and experiences with them
Trust and support each other kind, courtesy, and loyal.
Use When problems occur in the relationship try to work them out

7. True Friends Common Attributes
Similar interest, beliefs, and attitudes on basic issues
Open and honest communication
Sharing of joys, disappointments, dreams, and concerns
Mutual respect, caring and support
Concern about each others safety and well-being

8. Clique
A small circle of friends usually with similar backgrounds or tastes, who exclude people viewed as outsiders.
Share same attitudes
Wear similar clothes
Have their own “Turf”
Both positive and negative influences
Provides a sense of belonging
Negative often exclude others.

9. Stereotype
An exaggerated and oversimplified belief about an entire group of people, such as a ethnic or religious group or s gender

10. Forming Healthy Relationships
Choosing Friends
People with healthy attitudes who will support you
People who encourage you to make healthy responsible decisions
Learn to identify positive aspects of a relationship, and to evaluate friendships that may not be positive

11. Building & Strengthening Friendships
Be loyal
Encourage each other
Respect each other

12. Peer Pressure and Refusal Skills
Lesson 2

13. Peer Pressure
The influence that people your age may have on you

14. Positive Peer Pressure
Encourage you to participate in positive productive activities
Cleanup campaign
Participate in a school activity
Volunteer in the community
Encourage you not to participate in risky behaviors
Having friends who do not use tobacco, drugs, alcohol may positively influence you to avoid these substances

15. Negative Peer Pressure
Peers may at times try to influence you to take part in behaviors or accept beliefs that have negative consequences.
Pressure to engage in behaviors that go against their values.
Manipulation an indirect, dishonest way to control or influence others

16. Common Methods of Manipulation
Mocking or teasing another person in a mean or hurtful way
Using Guilt trips to get desired results
Bargaining – offering to make a deal to get what one wants
Bribing – promising money or favors if the person will do what is asked
Making threats – promising violence or some other negative consequence if the person does not do what is asked
Using Blackmail – threating to reveal something embarrassing or damaging information of the person does not do what is asked.

17. Resisting Negative Peer Pressure
Learn to make decisions based on what is best for you.
Understand the role of individual responsibility regarding personal risk behaviors.
Develop friendships with people who share your values beliefs and interest.
Have friends who have respect for your health and well being
Your response to peer pressure could seriously impact your life

18. Resisting Negative Peer Pressure
“Show me your friends, and I'll show you your future."

19. “The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.”
– John Wooden

20. Resisting Peer Pressure
Listen to your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, even if your friends seem to be OK with what’s going on, it means that something about the situation is wrong for you.

21. Resisting Peer Pressure
Plan for possible pressure situations. Decide ahead of time — and even rehearse — what you’ll say and do.
Learn a few tricks. If you’re holding a bottle of water or a can of soda, for instance, you’re less likely to be offered a drink you don’t want.

22. Resisting Peer Pressure
Arrange a “bailout” code phrase you can use with your parents without losing face with your peers.
“Can you come and drive me home? I have a terrible headache.”

23. Resisting Peer Pressure
Learn to feel comfortable saying “no.” With good friends you should never have to offer an explanation or apology. But if you feel you need an excuse for, say, turning down a drink or smoke, think up a few lines you can use casually
“No way — my uncle died of cirrhosis and I’m not even looking at any booze.

24. Resisting Peer Pressure
Hang with people who feel the same way you do. Choose friends who will speak up with you when you’re in need of moral support.

25. Resisting Peer Pressure
Blame your parents: “Are you kidding? If my mom found out, she’d kill me, and her spies are everywhere.”

26. Resisting Peer Pressure
Speak up: If a situation seems dangerous, don’t hesitate to get an adult’s help.

27. DECISSION MAKING PROCESS
Healthy – Is it healthy?
Ethical – Does it go along with my values and beliefs?
Legal – Is it Legal?
Parents Approve – What would MOM think?

28. Dating and Setting Limits
Lesson 3

29. Teen Dating
Infatuation – exaggerated feelings of passion for another person
Affection – A feeling of fondness for someone. Comes when you know another person well.

30. What are some Reasons for Dating?
__________________

31. What are some Reasons for Dating?
Fun and enjoyable
Friendship and intimacy
Companionship and emotional support
Learn how to communicate and resolve conflict effectively
Explore characteristics you would like in a future partner or spouse

32. What makes someone Dateable?
Are You Dateable?

33. What are some characteristics you look for in a dating partner?
____________________
Do you share the same qualities that you are looking for in someone to date?

34. What are some characteristics you look for in a dating partner?
Is honest
Is unselfish
Treats you and others well
Is tolerant and respectful
Has similar values
Is fun to be with
Respects himself / herself
Do you share the same qualities that you are looking for in someone to date?

35. Respectful Dating Behavior
What are some things you can do when first going out with someone to make things easier?

36. What are some of the benefits of Dating in Groups?
People often begin a relationship by dating in groups.
Group dating may involve movies, dances, or sporting events.
You can get to know the other person
without the pressure of being alone.
You may learn how your partner treats other people.

37. What to do on a date Sports or Athletic Activity Community Activities
Ice Skating
Bowling
Dinner
Movie
School Dance

38. What are some things you should consider when dating someone?
Respect the rules your parents and your partner’s parents have for dating (curfews).
Know your own and
your partner’s sexual
limits.

39. What makes a relationship
Healthy or Unhealthy?
Would you be able to recognize an unhealthy relationship if you were in one?

40. Healthy Relationships Skills
Controlling Anger
Problem-solving
Negotiating and Compromising
Being Assertive
Fighting Fair
Understanding
Listening
Being a Role Model
Communicate!
Choose Respect Initiative, U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

41. Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships:
Equality
Control
Honesty
Dishonesty
Physical safety
Physical abuse
Respect
Disrespect
Comfort
Intimidation
Sexual respectfulness
Sexual abuse
Independence
Dependence
Humor
Hostility
Choose Respect Initiative, U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

44. THE LINE

46. Ending a Relationship
Most dating relationships that begin in adolescence eventually end.
Hurt, frustration, anger, and sometimes a sense of relief can make break-ups feel over-whelming.

47. Break ups can be difficult and emotional…
What are some things you
can do to make a
break up easier?

48. Do’s & Don’ts when breaking up… Avoid spreading rumors about your ex.
Don’t repeatedly check your ex’s Facebook, etc.
Make plans with family, friends, and new people.
Avoid calling and texting your ex.
Listen to music that makes you feel better.
Get enough rest and do things you enjoy.
Delete embarrassing or harmful pictures of your ex.

49. No matter whose fault the break up was, it’s important to know why a relationship didn’t work out to avoid the same thing happening in future relationships.

50. Avoid Risk Situations
Before you go on a date know where you are going.

51. HEALTHY vs. UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

52. Relationship Scenario’s – instructions…
There are 4 signs hanging in each corner of the room numbered 1-4. We will read 7 different scenario’s and for each scenario there will be 4 options – you will make a decision about each scenario and move to the corner of the room that indicates your choice. This is an OPINION question – there is no right/wrong answer. After you have selected your choice we will discuss reasons why you chosen that option.

53. Scenario 1
Lisa—“I cheated on my boyfriend because the relationship had become so predictable and I needed some excitement. He never found out and I’m not sure if I should tell him.” Choice 1—Come clean and tell your boyfriend the truth. Choice 2—Tell him you’re bored and try to improve your relationship. Choice 3—Do nothing, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. Choice 4—Break up—face it, it’s over.

54. Scenario 2
 Amy—“My best friends has been starting to date this much older guy, she’s 15 and he’s like 21. She says she likes him because he’s more mature than the boys our age, he buys her stuff and he has a car. I know he’s been asking her to have sex with him. I have a really bad feeling about this guy. I don’t know if I should tell her what I think.”
Choice 1—Stay out of it, it’s none of your business.
Choice 2—You should tell her your concerns about him being so much older than her, she is your best friend.
Choice 3—What this guy is doing is illegal! You should tell her parents.
Choice 4—Go straight to the guy and ask him what he wants with your friend.

55. Scenario 3
Max—“I’ve cheated on my girlfriend a few times, but they were mistakes. She kind of knows about them but she never brings it up, so I guess it doesn’t bother her. Lately I’ve been wondering if I should fess up about what I’ve done.” Choice 1—Honesty is the best policy. You should tell her. Choice 2—Maybe she doesnt want to know. She could be cheating too. Choice 3—Don’t tell, as long as you don’t ever do it again. Choice 4—You’re obviously not happy in the relationship, break up.

56. Scenario 4
Monique—“My best friend has been dating this guy Jason and she thinks she is in love with him. He’s such a player and I saw him kissing another girl at the movies. I’m not sure if I should tell my friend since she really likes him.” Choice 1—Don’t tell, it’s not your business Choice 2—Definitely tell her, she needs to know he’s playing around. Choice 3—Talk to Jason and demand that he confess to your friend. Choice 4—Try and hint to your friend with being direct about it.

57. Scenario 5
Robin—“I just started seeing Matt, who is such a sweetie. Now Lee, this hottie I’ve had a crush on all year, is totally into me. I wanna hook up with Lee this weekend, but I don’t want to hurt Matt.” Choice 1—Hook up with Lee, you’re not that serious with Matt anyway. Choice 2—Talk to Matt about ending things. Choice 3—Tell Lee you’re interested, but taken. Choice 4—Stay true to Matt, don’t hook up with Lee.

58. Evaluating a Relationship Answer each question by circling yes or no.
1. Do you feel that the other person in this relationship does not understand you?
YES / NO
2. Are you able to speak freely to him or her about things that bother you?
3. Do you take a genuine interest in each other’s lives?
4. Do both of you pursue individual interests?
5. Is this relationship the only important relationship in your life?
6. Do you believe that you are a worthwhile person outside of this relationship?
7. Do you expect this person to meet all of your emotional or physical needs?
8. Is your relationship often threatened by others?
9. Can you be yourself in this relationship?
10. Are you uncomfortable sharing your feelings with this person?
11. Do you both work to improve the relationship?
12. Do you feel good about yourself?
13. Do you feel you have become a better person because of this relationship?
14. Can you both accept changes in roles and feelings within the relationship?

59. Score:
1 point if you answered ‘YES’ to questions: 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, 11, 12, 13 and 14 1 point if you answered ‘NO’ to questions: 1, 5, 7, 8 and 10

60. 1-3: There are few constructive elements in this relationship
1-3: There are few constructive elements in this relationship. You may want to think about your reasons for continuing the relationship, or work toward improving it. 4-6: This relationship has problems that might be resolved by working on honesty and communication 7-10: There is the basis for a good relationship. Focus on the positive elements and work on improving the destructive ones : You’re doing well and have what it takes to build a successful and satisfying relationship.

61. Evaluating A Relationship
After completion of scoring the evaluation, answer the questions at the bottom of the page.
The strengths of this relationship are:
The weaknesses of this relationship are:
I am most proud of the way we have:
We could improve our relationship by:
At this point get into groups of 3-4 in order to answer the following questions…

62. At this point, break into groups of 3-4 students and discuss…
Is it possible for a bad relationship to improve? What does it take to make a relationship better?

63. How Healthy is Your Relationship?
Think of an important relationship (boy/girlfriend, or best friend) in your life, then answer to yourself “YES” or “NO” about the following statements as they refer to your relationship.
Be honest to yourself with your answers. No one will know what you’re thinking.

64. 1. I am incomplete without my boy/girlfriend (or best friend).
2. I can freely express what I think to my boy/girlfriend (or best friend).
3. I can change the things about my boy/girlfriend (or best friend) that I don’t like.
4. Our relationship will never change.
5. I am willing to do anything for my boy/girlfriend (or best friend).
6. I have other important relationships in my life besides by boy/girlfriend (or best friend).

65. Healthy Answers: 1. I am incomplete without my partner (or friend). NO
2. I can freely express what I think to my partner (or friend). YES
3. I can change the things about my partner (or friend) that I don’t like. NO
4. Our relationship will never change. NO
5. I am willing to do anything for my partner (or friend). NO
6. I have other important relationships in my life. YES
The more “right answers” you have, the healthier your relationship is.
If you had “wrong” answers, why could this be unhealthy for your relationship? Let’s look at the questions…

66. Analyzing Relationships
HEALTHY
List characteristics of a healthy relationship:
Each partner feels complete
Both partners accepts the other
Both partners recognize and appreciate change
Each partner establishes limits based on personal standards
There is a balance between togetherness (we) and separateness (I)

67. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP Happiness Trust Love Affection Equality
Mutual Respect
Friendship
Humour / Fun
Can be yourself
No fear of other
Still independent people
Laughter
Common Interests
Support
Fair fights
Acceptance
Comfort
Kindness
Strong self-esteem
Good communication
Honesty

68. Analyzing Relationships
UNHEALTHY
List characteristics of an unhealthy relationship:
Dependency
Jealousy
Control
Selfishness
Abuse

69. UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
No trust
No respect
Jealousy
Abuse – emotional, physical, sexual
Bad/no communication
Low self-esteem
Power issues
Unfair fights
Other person tries to change you
Lies
Manipulation
Lack of understanding
No fun
Fear

70. Discussion Questions??? How do you feel in a healthy relationship?
How do you feel in an unhealthy relationship?
Why do some people stay in unhealthy relationships?

71. UNHEALTHY vs. ABUSIVE???
Answer these questions about an important relationship in your life. If you answer “yes” to at least one of these questions, your relationship could be abusive.
1. Are you afraid of making your boy/girlfriend (or best friend) angry?
2. Are you afraid to disagree with your boy/girlfriend (or best friend)?
3. Do you need “permission” to do things or go places without your boy/girlfriend (or best friend)? This includes calling them to make sure it’s “okay”.
4. Are you afraid your boy/girlfriend (or best friend) will hurt you or something you care about?
5. Are you afraid to end your relationship with your boy/girlfriend (or best friend)?

72. How can you tell if a relationship might turn from unhealthy to ABUSIVE?
Here are 6 RED FLAGS :

73. Here are 6 RED FLAGS Does the person:
constantly criticize you, your intelligence, and/or your self-worth?
act really jealous of you, especially when other people try to talk to you?
make threats against you or someone you care about?
try to keep you from having any friends, especially friends they might see as potential romantic competition?
have problems controlling their temper – even if it’s not directed at you?
insist that you do something sexual that you don’t want to do, even when you have told them, “NO.”

74. So, if your relationship is UNHEALTHY or ABUSIVE, what should you do?

75. ENDING A RELATIONSHIP IN A HEALTHY WAY:
Make the decision to end the relationship.
Choose the time & place.
What would be a good time or place?
How would the time & place change if you think they’ll be upset?
Explain the reason to them.
Prepare for uncomfortable feelings.
Get support from others.

76. Healthy Relationship Wheel
As we go through the components of the wheel, let’s talk about why these factors are crucial to making a healthy relationship...
Accountability
Trust
Respect
Intimacy &
Open
Communication
Equality
& Freedom
Safety
Partnership
&
Commitment
Honesty
Support
&
Affirmation
Negotiation
& Compromise

77. WARNING SIGNS OF A UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:
POOR COMMUNICATION
UNRESOLVED CONFLICTS
INSUFFICIENT AMOUNT OF TIME TOGETHER
EMOTIONAL AND/OR PHYSICAL ABUSE

78. Love is Not Abuse
Teen Dating Violence

79. Prevalence of Teen Dating Violence
1 in 5 high school girls is physically or sexually hurt by a
dating partner.
Girls and Women highest rates
1 in 3 teen experience some kind of abuse in their romantic
relationships
1 in 3 teen reports knowing a friend or peer who has been hit,
punched kicked, slapped by a partner
45% of teen girls know someone who has been pressured or
forced into having sex
Teen males-as well as females- experience dating violence

80. FACTS ABOUT ABUSE
About one in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship. 40% of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend
Teen dating violence most often takes place in the home of one of the partners.
95% of reported cases of dating-domestic violence to the police are committed by men against women.
The remaining 5% of reported cases are committed by women against men.

81. Warning Signs Extreme Jealousy Constant put-downs
Telling the other person what to do
Explosive temper
Threats
Possessiveness
Preventing the other person from doing what he or she wants to do.
Severe mood swings
Making false accusations about the other person
History of violence
Isolating the other person from family and friends
Seeking financial control over the other person

82. What is Teen Dating Violence?
Teen dating violence is a pattern of physically, sexually, verbally, and/or emotionally abusive behavior in a dating relationship

83. Forms of Abuse Physical Abuse
The intentional use of any action that could cause pain or injury. Shoving, pushing, slapping, kicking, biting, punching, pinching, hair-pulling, throwing things, threatening to cause harm with a weapon.

84. What is Teen Dating Violence?
Physical Abuse
Any Intentional unwanted contact with the other person’s body. Physical abuse does not have to leave a mark or a bruise.
Examples:
Scratching Choking
Kicking Using a Weapon
Pulling Hair Biting
Pushing Burning
Shoving Strangling
Punching Slapping
Pinching

85. Sexual Abuse
Any sexual behavior that is unwanted or interferes with the other person’s right to say “no” to sexual advances.
Examples:
Unwanted kissing or touching
Date Rape
Forcing someone to go further than he or she wants to
Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity
Not letting someone use protections

86. Verbal/Emotional Abuse
Saying or doing something to the other person that causes the person to be afraid, have lower self-esteem, or manipulates or controls the person’s feelings or beliefs or behaviors.
Examples
Name calling and put-downs
Insulting the person or his or her family or friends
Yelling and screaming
Threatening violence or harm
Making racial slurs about the person
Making unwanted comments of a sexual nature to the person.

87. Verbal/Emotional Abuse Continued…
Embarrassing the person in front of others.
Spreading negative rumors abut the person
Preventing the person from seeing or talking to friends and family
Telling the person what to do.
Making the person feel responsible for the violence/abuse.
Stalking
Harming (or threatening harm to person’s pets.

88. Verbal/Emotional Continued…
Making the person feel guilty about leaving the relationship by talking about the abuser’s hard life and how alone and abandoned the abuser will feel if left.
Threatening to commit suicide
Threatening to expose personal information about the person (e.g., sexual orientation, immigration status)
Threatening to take away the person’s child or children.

89. Facts About Technology Abuse
1 in 3 teens say they are texted 10, 20, 30 times an hour by a partner keeping tabs on them
68% of teens say boyfriends/girlfriends sharing private or embarrassing pictures/videos on cell phones and computers is a serious problem.

90. Facts About Technology Abuse
1 in 4 teens in a relationship say they have been called names, harassed, or put down by their partner through cell phones & texting.
19% of teens in relationships say their partner has used a cellular device or the internet to spread rumors about

91. Facts About Technology Abuse
Nearly 1 in 4 teens in a relationship communicated with their partner via cell phone or texting HOURLY between 12 am & 5 am
71% of teens regard boyfriends/girlfriends spreading rumors about them on cell phones and social networking sites as a serious problem.

92. 5 FORMS OF TECHNOLOGY ABUSE…
1. Digital Disrespect
2. Constant messaging / Threatening text messages
3. Online Stalking
4. Threatening to share pictures
5. Impersonating through social networking
Digital Disrespect
Bad mouthing through social networking sites, text messages, IMs, or other forms of technology
2. Constant messaging / threatening text messages
Obsessively texting to keep track of whereabouts, asking things like “what are you doing?”, “Who are you with?”, “When are you going home?” etc. Holding you on the phone when you are ready to stop talking. Requesting calls/texts when leaving or going places.
Threatening is used as a way to manipulate and control situations.
3. Online Stalking
Spying and keeping track through social networking pages
4. Threatening to share pictures
Sexting (sending sexually suggestive or nude photos through technology) may seem harmless but it can be used as a form of control when someone threatens to share or expose the images.
5. Impersonating through social networking
Using someone’s username and password to get into their account, Creating a fake pages, etc.

93. Isolation
- USING JEALOUSY, PREVENTING YOU FROM GOING OUT, GETTING A JOB, GOING TO SCHOOL, SEEING YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS, INTIMIDATING FAMILY AND FRIENDS SO THEY WON’T SEE YOU ANYMORE

94. Roles in Dating Violence
Abuser: A Person who physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally hurts an intimate partner.
Target: A person who is hurt physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally by an intimate partner
Bystander: A person who is aware that someone is being abused in a dating relationship. The bystander may become aware of the abuse through the abuser’s or the target’s actions or words.

95. Dating Violence Patterns of Abuse:
Many people who are the target of dating violence find that the abuse occurs in a distinct pattern that is repeated over and over again: Tension building, explosion, and honeymoon. Each phase can be as short as a few seconds, or as long as several years.

96. Cycle of Violence

97. Phase 1: Tension Buildup
Things start to get tense between the two people
The two people argue a lot
The abuser yells at the target for no reason
The abuser makes false accusations about the target.
The target feels that she or he can’t do anything right.
The atmosphere is tense, as if things could blow up at any moment.

98. Phase 2: Explosion
The tension is released in a burst of physical, sexual, and/or verbal/emotional abuse.
Scream and yell in a way that is frightening and/or humiliating.
Hit, grab, shove, kick, slam the other persona against the wall, etc.
Throw objects
Threaten to hurt the other person.
Rape the other person or force five or her to go further sexually than he or she wants to.

99. Phase 3: Honeymoon
The abuser tries to make the target stay in the relationship by apologizing and/or trying to shift the blame for the abuse onto someone or something else. The abuser may:
Apologize and promise that the abuse will never happen again.
Say “I love you.”
Buy the other person flowers or gifts.
Accuse the other person of doing something to cause the abuse.
Blame the abuse on other things such as alcohol or other drug use or stress.

100. False Beliefs and Attitudes that Support Teen Dating Violence
Can’t believe date will break up with them
It’s the abusers fault
OK for a boy to hit a girl
A gift will make up for abuse.
Targets must be doing something wrong, or they would not be abused.
If they are being abused, they must like it.

101. Ending Teen Dating Violence

102. Why might teens not tell…
Embarrassed, ashamed, stupid, worthless
Alone and afraid of getting hurt
Convinced it’s their fault
Scared of getting in trouble
Confused- they may think this is how people show love

103. Helping a Friend or Family Member
Tell the person that is being abused that you are concerned for their safety.
Acknowledge that the abuse in not this person’s fault.
Be supportive and patient
Encourage the person to talk to others who can provide help and guidance.
Do not confront the abuser, it could be dangerous for you or your friends.

104. Reaching out to a friend
What can teenagers do in their relationships with friends and family members in the school and in the community to help prevent teen dating violence?

105. Ideas
Don’t use language that promotes abusive attitudes and behaviors.
Don’t support degrading or sexist jokes and put-downs by laughing at them—even if someone you like told the joke or made the put-down.
Think about how your own attitudes and behaviors might contribute to violence and abuse.
Be an example to your peers: treat your friends, boyfriend or girlfriend and family members with respect.

106. Reaching out to a friend who is abusing someone
Explain that you are still the person’s friend, but that you don’t like it when he or she is abusive to someone.
Do not accept the abuser’s excuses for the abuse. Say clearly that abuse is never OK.
Encourage the friend to find a counselor whom he or she can trust.
When you see your friend, treat his or her partner with respect, acknowledge and praise it.