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Love and Intimacy Chapter 4 FORMER HSC 425 STUDENTS.

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Presentation on theme: "Love and Intimacy Chapter 4 FORMER HSC 425 STUDENTS."— Presentation transcript:

1 Love and Intimacy Chapter 4 FORMER HSC 425 STUDENTS

2 Love and Marriage in America, 1750

3 Arranged Marriage Usually between the fathers of both parties
Sons and daughters of a father will be matched at a young age until marriage A “good match” is one that will increase the wealth of both families This continues to courting, which quickly leads to marriage

4 Marriage Because of the short life expectancy in the old days, couples were usually arranged at a young age “Bundling” was a practice that was used typically to encourage a couple to get to know each other more, NO SEXUAL RELATION!

5 Today’s “dating” In most Western cultures, marriages are motivated by love and intimacy between two people There are also other ways of dating that many people consider besides the usual long commitment relationships Can you name some?

6 What is love?

7 Two Theories of Love Robert J. Sternberg’s theory: “triangular theory of love” John Allen Lee’s theory: “styles of love”

8 Triangular Theory of Love
Three fundamental components of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment Intimacy: Refers to the emotional closeness that people feel. Wanting the best for your partner, and being able to share personal thoughts and feelings are examples of the intimacy component. Passion: The component that deals with physical arousal and attraction. Increased heart rate and the sexual desire to kiss, touch, and make love are examples of the passion component. Commitment: Refers to the strength of your decision to stay committed, loyal, and faithful to your partner to have a mutually satisfying relationship.


10 Combinations of the Triangle
Components of “The love triangle,” can be combined to form many types of relationships Ranges from nonlove (none of the components) to consummate love (all three components)

11 One Sided Triangle Relationships
Intimacy Only- (Liking) People feel intimacy but without passion or commitment so most likely friends. Passion Only- (Infatuation) “Spring Break” type of relationship with sexual heat but not intimacy or commitment Commitment Only (Empty Love) Parents who stay together for the children are an example. Relationships with an unlikely future because there is no intimacy or passion

12 Combinations of Triangle Relationships
Intimacy+Passion=Romantic Love Feels romantic regardless of whether you have established a commitment. Example would be two people who have a short term but intense relationship on vacation or an affair. Passion+Commitment=Fatuous Love Two people with a strong sexual bond who have agreed to commit to a long lasting relationship. They lack the intimate emotional bond so the relationship seems foolish. Commitment+Intimacy=Companionate Love Two people who are truly in love with commitment, but lack the heat and sexual passion. They are more like companions than lovers. Intimacy+Passion+Commitment=Consummate Love The most complete and fulfilling type of love that can be achieved.

13 Applying the Triangular Theory of Love
Couples can use the Triangular Theory of Love to assess their relationships. Makes it easy to identify what parts of the relationships are weak, lacking, or need fixed. Also shows what areas of the relationship are your strongpoints.

14 Styles of Love This theory determines the “kind” of lover you are depending on how you relate to another partner. Six major categories make up the styles of love

15 Love Style Self Quiz My partner and I were attracted to eachother when we first met My partner and I have great physical chemistry I feel my partner and I were meant to be I have sometimes had to prevent two of my partners from finding out about eachother Sometimes I enjoy playing “love games” with several partners at once I believe it is a good idea to keep my partner a little uncertain about my commitment I find it difficult to pinpoint when my partner and I fell in love The most fulfilling relationship grows from a friendship It is necessary to care deeply for someone for a while before you can truly fall in love When I am in love, I am sometimes so excited that I can’t sleep I am constantly worried my partner is with someone else When my partner is busy or seems distant, I feel anxious and sick It is best to find a partner that has similar interest to your own I try to make sure my life is in order before I choose a partner A person’s goals, plans, and status in life are very important to me in choosing a partner I would rather suffer myself than allow my partner to suffer I cannot be happy unless my partner’s happiness is met first I am usually willing to sacrifice my own needs and desires to allow my partner to achieve his or hers

16 Results Statements 1,2,3 reflect Eros love
Statements 4,5,6 reflect Ludus love Statements 7,8,9 reflect Storge love Statements 10,11,12 reflect Mania love Statements 13,14,15 reflect Pragma love Statements 16,17,18 reflect Agape love Your style is the one where you answered true to all three questions. If there is not one then choose the answer with the highest amount of trues.

17 Eros Love Characterized as erotic, passionate love
These type of lovers emphasize romance and beauty, and feel urgent sexual desires towards their partner. Commonly believe in love in first sight or might have even experienced it. Desire touch above all sensations Eros based relationships tend to die out quickly because the high passion cannot be maintained for too long

18 Ludus Love Characterized by playing games
These type of lovers enjoy the “game” of relationships more than the actual relationship. Often like to seduce and tease their lovers Very unlikely to form lasting commitment or a relationship altogether. Sometimes like to begin relationships before ending their prior relationship

19 Storage Love Relationship with a central theme of friendship
Usually begin a relationship with a long friendship that develops into love Sexual part of the relationship develops late and is not as important as the friendship. When storge relationships end the friendship can usually continue over time

20 Mania Love A possessive and controlling relationship that can also be stalker-like Constantly fearful that their partner will leave them and must be reassured Characterized by obsession and jealousy Partners of these lovers will often feel too smothered Mania Lovers can become dangerous when they feel their partner is pulling away

21 Pragma Love Very practical
Partners selected in a rational almost business like manner depending on their requirements They choose a good “resume” over true love Often unsatisfying and unsuccessful relationships

22 Agape Love A selfless love characterized by a lot of self- sacrifice
Strive to give their partners what they want without expecting anything in return. Patient and non-demanding type of love Can be seen as weak because romantic love should involve giving AND receiving.

23 Applying Love Styles Recognizing you and your partner’s love styles can help you learn about eachother Research indicates that some fits work better together Understanding the different styles can help you notice different signs in your partner’s love style that you may like or dislike

24 Establishing Early Intimacy (today)

25 Field of Eligibles (FOE)
People that you meet that you perceive as having potential as a romantic partner. Sometimes people are Not aware of their romantic attraction criteria, but we all have them. Sometimes we filter out people that our outside our criteria before we even meet them.

26 What does F.O.E. stand for? Row # 2 Seat # 7

27 Physical attractiveness
“Beautiful is better” bias A research study on effects of physical attractiveness proved this: Attractive children are more popular with both classmates & teachers. Teachers give higher evaluations to work of attractive children and have higher expectation of them. Attractive applicants have a better chance of getting jobs and receiving higher salaries Taller men earned around $600 more a year per inch of height than shorter executives In court, attractive people are found guilty less often. When found guilty they receive a more lenient sentence.

28 Media Media plays a big role to define what make people more attractive than others. Via, magazines, tv, posters, ads ect. Only 5% of the people in these advertisements look like the pictures 8 out of 10 women express dissatifcation with their bodies.

29 How many people actually look like the advertisements?
Row # 1 Seat # 5

30 History & Media The medias definition of “beauty” has changed a lot over the years. In the early 1900 “attractive” women were 5’6” and weight 140 pounds. In 1970’s top fashion models weighed about 8% less than the average American woman. Today 2013 the difference is 23%!!

31 Matching Hypothesis People tend to be attracted to people who are the same level of attractiveness as them. researchers have indicated that the level of matching of the pair depends to some degree of nature of the couple.

32 Proximity In terms of relationships refer to how close in physical distance you are to another person. Proximity Effect: 1. the more time you spend physically together the better romantic relationship you can form. 2. More likely to find more things in common. Such as activities, 3. the Mere Exposure effect: people become more fond of someone the more time they spend with them.

33 T/F being more attractive can help you make more money?
Row # 3 Seat # 2

34 Communication in Love Relationships

35 Why? Express the positives in the relationship
Encourage a “feel good” environment Express the negative aspects Deal with the issues as they arise, not when they explode

36 Self-Disclosure The process of revealing private, personal, and intimate thoughts, feelings, and information to another person TMI too early can be off putting Gradual increase of SD can deepen intimacy Mutual SD can be very gratifying Different for online dating

37 Figure 4.3

38 Effective Communication
John Gottman Misconceptions in relationship patterns Intense fights “can signify highly successful adjustments that will keep the couple together” “we never fight” isn’t a good sign of relationship health Relationships grow by reconciling differences

39 Healthy Communication Patterns
Validating Communication Conflicts resolved in calm discussion/compromise

40 Healthy Communication Patterns
Volatile Communication Fight, bicker, explode more than average

41 Healthy Communication Patterns
Conflict Avoiding Communication Avoid conflict altogether

42 Communication Warning Signs
Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling

43 Improving Communication
Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) 5 keys Decide, don’t slide Do your part Make it safe to connect Open the doors to positive connections Nurture your commitment

44 Sexual Communication

45 Sexual Self Disclosure
Turn ons/offs Sex needs and desires Sex fears and concerns Sex ________________

46 Why Not? Lack of Information Embarrassment Sexual Taboos
Fear of Judgment Fear of Rejection

47 Improving Sexual Communication
Know what you want Insist on your right to postpone a sexual relationship Be responsible if you engage in “casual sex”

48 and Violent Relationships
Abusive and Violent Relationships

49 The Power and Control Wheel of Domestic Violence

50 Name one of the types of power/abuse on the Power and Control Wheel
Row # 1 Seat # 2

51 The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Describes how a violent relationship typically develops Honeymoon Phase Everything seems wonderful Happy Exciting Partners are loyal, devoted, and caring It feels like a dream come true How many of you have felt like this at the beginning of a relationship? The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

52 The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Honeymoon Phase cont. Okay so you’ve been in the relationship for a while… Something happens that creates tension between you (ex. A difference of opinion, an activity…) It completely disrupts the harmony of the new relationship Has this happened to anyone? THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!!!!! In a healthy relationship, the problem is resolved by talking about it and working through it The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

53 The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Tension Building Phase In an abusive relationship The problem-solving approach fails Tension keeps building Soon, one person believes the only way to regain the happiness is to give in to the other persons point of view The harmony is regained However, another event that causes tension is bound to occur soon enough The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

54 The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Explosion Phase Instead of one person giving in to the other, a violent explosion occurs Yells Threatens Ridicules Insults Other acts of bullying occur Now the victim is afraid and does whatever is necessary to calm things down Then for the next few days, weeks, or months, the honeymoon phase returns The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

55 The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Cont. As time passes this cycle continues The explosive events typically become more violent Can and usually develops into physical violence Honeymoon phase starts again The abuser is sorry and promises it will never happen again Perhaps buys gifts for the victim The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

56 In the first explosion phase, is the violence usually verbal or physical?
Row # 5 Seat # 3

57 The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Cont. During this honeymoon phase- Victim is constantly trying to make the relationship work Trying to keep the peace “walking on eggshells” Any little thing can trigger another explosion Inevitably, another explosion occurs and the cycle keeps restarting The Cycle of Violence and Abuse


59 Leaving a violent Relationship
Remember: IT IS POSSIBLE!!! Things to do when planning to leave Assess the abusers danger level Guns, typical violent behavior, knowledge Have an escape plan Know how to get away and where to go Have a bag packed for you and give it to a friend to hold Create a safety net of trusted people Keep phone numbers handy Know locations to hide Obtain a court-ordered restraining order This is not guaranteed safety but in most cases it does help Leaving a violent Relationship

60 Warning Signs of a Potential Abuser
Has a history of battering Uses threats of violence Breaks and hits objects when angry Uses force during an argument Displays excessive jealousy Engages in controlling behavior Isolates partner from social contacts Displays cruelty to animals or children Displays “Jekyll and Hyde” mood swings Warning Signs of a Potential Abuser

61 Name a warning sign of a potential abuser
Row # 3 Seat # 6

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