1. CIOH Meeting Jun.5,2010

2. All couples experience frustrating events, they all have different issues All couples experience frustrating events, they all have different issues Although triggered by an event, most conflicts are caused by an issue Although triggered by an event, most conflicts are caused by an issue An example for issues are money, communication, children and control An example for issues are money, communication, children and control Couples do not usually argue about issue but about daily events, Example: “why did you talk to me in this manner", "How come you did not do grocery shopping this week?” Couples do not usually argue about issue but about daily events, Example: “why did you talk to me in this manner", "How come you did not do grocery shopping this week?”

3. Instead of taking the time to find out what the issue is and discuss it. Many couples focus only on the triggering events. Instead of taking the time to find out what the issue is and discuss it. Many couples focus only on the triggering events. Events tend to come up in the wrong time, when your coming back home after a tiring long working day, when you are trying to get everyone ready to go to church, when the kids are fighting, when friends are coming over, etc Events tend to come up in the wrong time, when your coming back home after a tiring long working day, when you are trying to get everyone ready to go to church, when the kids are fighting, when friends are coming over, etc

4. Sarah was so excited to come home from the mall to show her husband Jack the new pair of pants she just bought. Sarah was so excited to come home from the mall to show her husband Jack the new pair of pants she just bought. Jack was happy about the pants till the moment she mentioned how much she paid for them. Jack was happy about the pants till the moment she mentioned how much she paid for them. Knowing that she spent a $120 to buy a pair of pants, Jack started an argument about it that turned into a fight for the rest of the night Knowing that she spent a $120 to buy a pair of pants, Jack started an argument about it that turned into a fight for the rest of the night What is the event and where is the issue? What is the event and where is the issue?

5. The event was buying new pair of paints while the issue was money spending. The event was buying new pair of paints while the issue was money spending. Do not try to deal with important issues only in the context of triggering events. It is wiser to discuss the issue at a later date Do not try to deal with important issues only in the context of triggering events. It is wiser to discuss the issue at a later date Ecclesiastes 3: 1,7 Ecclesiastes 3: 1,7 لكل شيء زمان ولكل امر تحت السموات وقتلكل شيء زمان ولكل امر تحت السموات وقت للسكوت وقت وللتكلم وقت.للسكوت وقت وللتكلم وقت.

7. Hidden issues are deeper issues that usually not known and lie behind many known issues and triggering events Hidden issues are deeper issues that usually not known and lie behind many known issues and triggering events Power, caring, recognition and commitment are examples of hidden issues Power, caring, recognition and commitment are examples of hidden issues

8. Last week Sarah had a big fight with Jack her husband about a contactor he decided to use to do some renovations in the house’s basement. Last week Sarah had a big fight with Jack her husband about a contactor he decided to use to do some renovations in the house’s basement. That is the event, what do you think the issue is? That is the event, what do you think the issue is?

9. This issue is explained in the Epistle of St. James 4:1-3 This issue is explained in the Epistle of St. James 4:1-3 1 من اين الحروب والخصومات بينكم اليست من هنا من لذاتكم المحاربة في اعضائكم. 2 تشتهون ولستم تمتلكون. تقتلون وتحسدون ولستم تقدرون ان تنالوا. تخاصمون وتحاربون ولستم تمتلكون لانكم لا تطلبون. 3 تطلبون ولستم تاخذون لانكم تطلبون رديا لكي تنفقوا في لذاتكم 1 من اين الحروب والخصومات بينكم اليست من هنا من لذاتكم المحاربة في اعضائكم. 2 تشتهون ولستم تمتلكون. تقتلون وتحسدون ولستم تقدرون ان تنالوا. تخاصمون وتحاربون ولستم تمتلكون لانكم لا تطلبون. 3 تطلبون ولستم تاخذون لانكم تطلبون رديا لكي تنفقوا في لذاتكم

11. You feel like the other spouse is trying to control you and to direct you to live in a certain way You feel like the other spouse is trying to control you and to direct you to live in a certain way People who have experienced a very controlling authority figure in their past (usually a parent) are usually hypersensitive about being controlled. They tend to mistrust their spouses and wrongly assume that their spouses aim to control them People who have experienced a very controlling authority figure in their past (usually a parent) are usually hypersensitive about being controlled. They tend to mistrust their spouses and wrongly assume that their spouses aim to control them

12. Working together as a team is the best solution to the control battle Working together as a team is the best solution to the control battle Control and power arguments reflects selfishness, teamwork reflects love and humanity. Control and power arguments reflects selfishness, teamwork reflects love and humanity.

13. Peter and Maria had an argument last night about Peter’s shirts that were not ironed for the last 3 weeks Peter and Maria had an argument last night about Peter’s shirts that were not ironed for the last 3 weeks Since the beginning of their relationship Peter and Maria agreed that he would put out the garbage and she would iron his shirts every week Since the beginning of their relationship Peter and Maria agreed that he would put out the garbage and she would iron his shirts every week When peter’s mom came for a visit she noticed his complains about the shirts and started doing them herself When peter’s mom came for a visit she noticed his complains about the shirts and started doing them herself What is the issue here? What is the issue here?

15. Peter felt that Maria does not care about his needs and his mom is more concerned about him than her. Peter felt that Maria does not care about his needs and his mom is more concerned about him than her. To solve the caring issue it needs to be discussed openly. To solve the caring issue it needs to be discussed openly.

16. Robert always complain that his wife Hilda does not appreciate how hard he works to earn income for the family Robert always complain that his wife Hilda does not appreciate how hard he works to earn income for the family Hilda says that he is the one who does not appreciate the huge work I do to keep this house running. Hilda says that he is the one who does not appreciate the huge work I do to keep this house running. What issue is involved here? What issue is involved here?

17. This issue was raised between the disciples of Our Lord Jesus Christ, This issue was raised between the disciples of Our Lord Jesus Christ, Mathew 20:20-21 Mathew 20:20-21 20 حينئذ تقدمت اليه ام ابني زبدي مع ابنيها وسجدت وطلبت منه شيئا. 21 فقال لها ماذا تريدين. قالت له قل ان يجلس ابناي هذان واحد عن يمينك والاخر عن اليسار في ملكوتك. 20 حينئذ تقدمت اليه ام ابني زبدي مع ابنيها وسجدت وطلبت منه شيئا. 21 فقال لها ماذا تريدين. قالت له قل ان يجلس ابناي هذان واحد عن يمينك والاخر عن اليسار في ملكوتك.

19. How did our Lord solve this issue? How did our Lord solve this issue? Mathew 20:26-27 Mathew 20:26-27 26 فلا يكون هكذا فيكم. بل من اراد ان يكون فيكم عظيما فليكن لكم خادما. 27 ومن اراد ان يكون فيكم اولا فليكن لكم عبدا. 28 كما ان ابن الانسان لم يات ليخدم بل ليخدم وليبذل نفسه فدية عن كثيرين 26 فلا يكون هكذا فيكم. بل من اراد ان يكون فيكم عظيما فليكن لكم خادما. 27 ومن اراد ان يكون فيكم اولا فليكن لكم عبدا. 28 كما ان ابن الانسان لم يات ليخدم بل ليخدم وليبذل نفسه فدية عن كثيرين To solve this issue, Our Lord advised His disciples to focus more on serving one another. To solve this issue, Our Lord advised His disciples to focus more on serving one another. One of the best ways to serve your mate is to recognize his or her contributions to your marriage One of the best ways to serve your mate is to recognize his or her contributions to your marriage

20. A huge argument started between Jim and Rebecca when she tried to discuss with him the matter of opening her separate bank account A huge argument started between Jim and Rebecca when she tried to discuss with him the matter of opening her separate bank account Before their divorce each one of Robert parents had his own separate bank account Before their divorce each one of Robert parents had his own separate bank account What kind of issue that caused Robert to be ignited? What kind of issue that caused Robert to be ignited?

21. The Oneness that God planned for marriage is a oneness of permanence not because God wants to put restrictions on us but because He cares about our need to have a secure relationship in marriage The Oneness that God planned for marriage is a oneness of permanence not because God wants to put restrictions on us but because He cares about our need to have a secure relationship in marriage Mathew 19:5,9 Mathew 19:5,9 4 فاجاب وقال لهم اما قراتم ان الذي خلق من البدء خلقهما ذكرا وانثى 5 وقال. من اجل هذا يترك الرجل اباه وامه ويلتصق بامراته ويكون الاثنان جسدا واحدا. 6 اذا ليسا بعد اثنين بل جسد واحد. فالذي جمعه الله لا يفرقه انسان. 4 فاجاب وقال لهم اما قراتم ان الذي خلق من البدء خلقهما ذكرا وانثى 5 وقال. من اجل هذا يترك الرجل اباه وامه ويلتصق بامراته ويكون الاثنان جسدا واحدا. 6 اذا ليسا بعد اثنين بل جسد واحد. فالذي جمعه الله لا يفرقه انسان.

23. The focus of this issue is on long term security of the relationship The focus of this issue is on long term security of the relationship The big hidden question that accompany that issue is “Are you going to stay with me?” The big hidden question that accompany that issue is “Are you going to stay with me?” People who had past experiences of divorce or separation in their pasts, struggle more with the fear about commitment People who had past experiences of divorce or separation in their pasts, struggle more with the fear about commitment

24. “You just do not care” Lillie accused Ted when he forgot to drop by the store to buy bread for the kids lunch of the following day “You just do not care” Lillie accused Ted when he forgot to drop by the store to buy bread for the kids lunch of the following day Ted feeling insulted at her calling him uncaring and inconsiderate to her needs, had to fight back accusing her of being lazy and passing her regular duties to him. Ted feeling insulted at her calling him uncaring and inconsiderate to her needs, had to fight back accusing her of being lazy and passing her regular duties to him. What kind of hidden issue lies underneath this fight? What kind of hidden issue lies underneath this fight?

25. This issue was also addressed by St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13: This issue was also addressed by St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13: Love does not judge thoughts or motives 1 Corinthians 13: 3-5 Love does not judge thoughts or motives 1 Corinthians 13: 3-5 ولا تحتد ولا تظن السوء 6 ولا تفرح بالاثم بل تفرح بالحق 7 وتحتمل كل شيء وتصدق كل شيءولا تحتد ولا تظن السوء 6 ولا تفرح بالاثم بل تفرح بالحق 7 وتحتمل كل شيء وتصدق كل شيء

27. A person could feel so upset when his/her spouse question your feelings or motives A person could feel so upset when his/her spouse question your feelings or motives It is not wise to argue about what your partner really think, feels or intends It is not wise to argue about what your partner really think, feels or intends