1. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Elaboration What is Elaboration? These notes belong on pg 122 of your spiral

2. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Elaboration Elaboration means...  To tell the reader more, using: Descriptions Layering Anecdotes Specific words Examples Definitions Statistics and facts Quotations Elaboration is critical for clear and effective writing! Write these notes on page 122 of your Language Arts spiral!

3. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. DESCRIPTIONS: Show instead of tell  Avoid broad generalizations – be specific Descriptions Are…  Using specific word choice to create vivid images that appeal to your reader’s senses. What does elaboration look like?

4. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Show with Description White shirts are dumb. White shirts are hard to clean, show pizza stains, and make you look like a waiter in a cheesy restaurant.

5. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Show instead of Tell… The sound of my phone cut through the silent class, and I anxiously dug into my backpack to grab it before Mrs. Schuman, the writing teacher, noticed. Pawing through Chapstick, lipstick, gum wrappers and rubber hair wraps, my hand darted around the deep pockets of my backpack. “Must shut off ringer,”I thought.

6. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with description. Jackie walked slowly to the Vietnam Veterans’ Memorial exhibit. In her hands were two yellow daffodils that she had brought with her on the hour- long bus ride. Their green stems, snapped from the patch in the backyard, were slowly drying out.

7. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. General vs. Specific Rewrite the sentence on the left, using specific and interesting language. School lunches are (good) (bad). Choose either side.

8. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Showing Sentences - your turn Choose one topic below. Write a paragraph that shows rather than tells. The pumpkin rolled down the hill. The man in the car was angry. You should have been at the concert. The blue car won the race. The pizza was delicious.

9. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. ANECDOTES -- A short story that develops your point. This sounds like... Hey, I remember the time when I had to carry my... Once when I was in middle school, the kids would always.... What does elaboration look like?

10. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with an anecdote. You can’t give up, Jack. I remember one time when I played on the high school baseball team. We were losing, and it was the 8th inning. Everyone was getting discouraged, and then the coach said, “BOYS! You’ve got to RALLY here! Turn your ball caps around and GET OUT THERE!” So, Jack, turn your ball cap – I mean ATTITUDE -- around and get out there!

11. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Expand on the moment. Have you ever hoped for the perfect moment to get back at a bully? Last year, the perfect moment presented itself to my best friend & I; two boys continued to tease us at school, and Annie & I wanted revenge. One day, we were hanging out in our tree- house when the boys walked by, on their way home; they were still talking about us, unaware that we were hovering just eight feet above their heads. Annie and I exchanged glances in the reflections of the crooked windows. She had the same expression she wore before rolling down “Dead Man’s Hill” in a barrel; I knew exactly what she was thinking. “One… two… three…” The words were mouthed silently just before we simultaneously launched from the tree-house deck and landed miraculously on our feet. The boys took off running, eating their insulting words with high-pitched screams.

12. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Write an Anecdote Yesterday was a __________ day. First… Write a short story showing what the day was like yesterday.

13. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Anecdotes - your turn Choose one of the following topics. Then write an anecdote to prove your point. 1. Students at BMS should have their own lockers, and should not have to share. 2. Sports practices are too long, and should be shorter. 3. School should start at 9:30am instead of 8am.

14. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Anecdotes Story Starters Choose a way to start your story. Here are some ideas: I remember when… Earlier today… Yesterday… Last week… One day… One time… My friend… In elementary school…

15. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. LAYERING – each new sentence adds to or develops the thought.  Layering is NOT a list!!  Layering is NOT repetition! …like rings around a bull’s-eye. What does elaboration look like?

16. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Lists vs. Layers Don’t add boring, list-like sentences just to make the paragraph longer. REMEMBER – length doesn’t always mean quality elaboration. List-like example - Having lots of choices is the reason why I eat at school. I love nachos. I like the pizza at school. Sometimes I order salad when I am feeling full. I have some favorite vegetables.

17. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Layering sounds like Having lots of food choices is the reason why I like my school’s lunchroom. I can select my favorite foods for lunch everyday. I sometimes pick cheesy nachos with the melted cheese sauce smothered over the hot crispy chips. If I don’t want anything that greasy, like nachos or pizza, I can choose a “made-for-me” salad. This means I get to choose what goes on it and my favorite veggies, including olives, peppers, and tomatoes. The best thing is I can pick a food that fits my attitude that day. TOPIC

18. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Another Layering Example Skiing down a Black Diamond run gives a rush like no other. What appears like a peaceful sport is really a contrast to the 50-mph feel of the wind in your face, waist-high moguls to weave in-and-out of while your thighs scream, “Stop!” With a wind-chill of minus 10, you still have sweat dripping under your long johns as your adrenaline pumps through your veins. You can’t wait to get to the bottom of the run and do it again.

19. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Layering - your turn Choose one of the following two topics. Then write a paragraph practicing elaboration by layering each sentence and developing the main idea. 1. The outside field at BMS is where the real education takes place at school. 2. _______ is what I live for on the weekends.

20. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. What does elaboration look like? SPECIFIC WORD CHOICE  AVOID dead words!  Use strong verbs  Use descriptive adjectives  Use vocabulary!  Good word choice can be phrases or clauses. Remember, to elaborate powerfully and effectively, you need to be SPECIFIC.

21. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Words Are Like Rocks They come in all sizes. Small rocks represent small words; big rocks represent big words. BUT...

22. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Rocks are not as strong as CONCRETE. CONCRETE details are the specific, exact names of things. Using CONCRETE details will make your paper stronger, just like CONCRETE makes a building stronger. Concrete details are SPECIFIC.

23. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Trick: “Hyphenated-Modifiers” It was one of those please-don’t-make-me-go-to- school mornings. Tabby always strutted down the hallways in that I’m-so- beautiful-and-I-know-it kind of way. As mom read me the riot act, my sister gave me her best I- told-you-so look, to which I replied with my best you’re- really-going-to-get-it glare. Stringing adjectives together to describe in a new way.

24. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Trick: “Hyphenated-Modifiers” Working with a partner, make a list of as many useful hyphenated- modifiers you can think of. Stringing adjectives together to describe in a new way.

25. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Trick: “Repetition for Effect” I never played Peter Pan and flew to Never-Never Land. I was never Cinderella getting ready for the ball to dance the night away with Prince Charming. I was never Jane waiting for Tarzan in our tree hut. My special rock by the river is my only shelter away from my sister asleep in the house, away from my brother playing in the tree-house in the field, away from my chores awaiting me in the barn. Everyone on the estate was focused on her – how lovely her hair looked, how lovely her dress fit, and how lovely her gold brooch looked with the pearls she had purchased for herself. Using specially chosen words or phrases to emphasize a point or stress a certain idea.

26. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. DEFINITIONS -- are a restatement of an unfamiliar word or phrase to tell the reader what it means. The best part of our hot lunch program is the A La Carte. What I mean is the little deli line-up past the lunch line where you can buy cookies, slushies, and candy bars. What does elaboration look like?

27. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with a definition. One of the best programs at our school is something called Brainworks. Brainworks is an after-school program where kids go and do their homework. They even let you work on the computers there. I like it a lot because the lady who runs the program keeps everyone pretty quiet. At my house, I have 6 little brothers and sisters, and there is never a quiet place to work.

28. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Definition - your turn Defining with specific words shows an awareness of your audience – what they know and what they may not know. Define your essay topic – first for your parents, and then write a definition for a third grader. How did your definition change depending on the audience?

29. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Definition - your turn Defining specific words shows an awareness of your audience--what they know and what they may not know. Talk to your partner about some of the “lingo” you hear at school. Write a definition of one word for your parents, and then write a definition of that same word for a third grader. How did your definition change depending on the audience?

30. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. EXAMPLES -- provide more specific information about an idea. This sounds like... The cats were all acting like they were crazy. For example, one jumped at me … We had a barrage of different weather last week: hail, rain, snow, and sunshine. My brothers always seem to pick on me. For instance, they hide my soccer shoes before a game. What does elaboration look like?

31. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with an example. The game of golf can be played for an entire lifetime and by yourself. People of any age can go out and play a round of golf whenever they want as opposed to team sports. For example, football, soccer, and volleyball take an entire team of people to play. How many times are you going to call up ten or more of your friends and go play sports?

32. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Trick: “Magic-3” I tilted my head back, enjoying the water tickling my toes, the wind chilling my damp hair, and the taste of salt lingering on my tongue. Dawn was a spectacular athlete; she could balance in a handstand for more than a minute, swim across a wide lake without gasping for breath, and jump hurdles without hardly bobbing her head. My best friend has never let me down; if I had a sticker on my back that read “Loser,” or if I had spinach stuck between my teeth, or if I forgot to take off my slipper-socks before coming to school, she would still stand beside me. Three parallel groups of words, separated by commas, adding support to a point.

33. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Trick: “Full-Circle Ending” Math class – it’s like a foreign language, a mystery, a puzzle. First day… just my luck, we tackle fractions. Invert and multiply… I’ve got it memorized, I just can’t remember when I do it. The teacher talks in numbers instead of words, and when she does use words, there’s always a catch – something about trains or planes leaving cities at some time and how fast were they going. She calls them “story” problems. I don’t understand her definition of the word “story.” Math class – it’s like a foreign language. “Tying in your piece” with a statement that comes back at the end.

34. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. STATISTICS and FACTS -- are the numbers (data) and information that help support your idea or argument. Mom, did you know that 98% of all my friends get to stay up until 1:00 AM on weekends? Well, Son, did you know that 3 out of every 4 parents would have grounded you for staying out so late? Kids who smoke at an early age are prone to heart attacks later in life. What does elaboration look like?

35. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with facts and statistics. Another craze to sweep America was the low-carb diet. It was reported in the newspaper after the last holiday season that 67% of all Americans were low- carb dieting. Let me tell you the personal impact that has had on my family’s wheat farm here in Washington.

36. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. STATISTICS and FACTS – your turn Talk to a partner and come up with a statistic about school, e.g., number of football games won, number of friendly teachers, amount of time wasted in class. Think of what statistics would convince the audience. Share an idea with the whole group.

37. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. QUOTATIONS -- are words someone says that can help support your idea or argument – especially an expert! “Spaying or neutering dogs and cats is the single best gift a pet owner can give.” Dr. Stein, the veterinarian from the animal shelter, agreed when he said, What does elaboration look like?

38. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with quotations. Another reason to graduate from high school is that even technical jobs require a diploma. Jared Turner from Best Performance Welding magazine states, “We won’t even consider hiring a person without a high school diploma. Our workers need to read the job specs, monitor equipment performance, and write orders and reports.” Turner went on to describe the many qualified applicants who compete for the positions in his busy firm. This seems to be different from the good old days and makes a pretty decent point about staying in school.

39. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Elaboration – your turn Look at your persuasive essay on school issues. Which of your arguments could be strengthened by using statistics and facts? Which of your arguments could be strengthened by using a quotation?

40. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflection In your own words, define elaboration. Why is it important? What kind of changes will you make in your writing now that you have learned about elaboration?

41. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda—Day 2 Review elaboration strategies Quick write Identify specific details vs. general language Show, don’t tell Reflect

42. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Where is the elaboration? The main reason I love Halloween is the candy. Oh my gosh, it’s like heaven—even for big kids. What I’m trying to say is that my mom lets me collect and eat all the mini candy bars, fruity treats, and sour chewies that I can. When I get to heaven, it will have all those kinds of candy. Last year, I was running out the door at 5:30, pillowcase in hand, hitting the houses in my neighborhood with my friend Steven. You might not believe it but I got 237 individual servings of candy, and it was my highest record yet. I figure at 20 pieces a day it took me 12 days to polish it all off. There’s nothing better than candy if you’re a kid.

43. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Where is the elaboration? What I’m trying to say is that my mom lets me collect and eat all the mini candy bars, fruity treats, and sour chewies that I can.  DEFINITION

44. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Where is the elaboration? Last year, I was running out the door at 5:30, pillowcase in hand, hitting the houses in my neighborhood with my friend Steven.  ANECDOTE

45. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Where is the elaboration? You might not believe it, but I got 237 individual servings of candy, and it was my highest record yet. I figure at 20 pieces a day, it took me 12 days to polish it all off.  STATISTICS

46. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Recognizing Elaboration with a Partner The following paragraphs are also about Halloween. Working with your partner, use your Elaboration Strategies handout to help you highlight and label the strategies in each of these paragraphs. What kinds of elaboration do you find most effective in these paragraphs? What kinds are easy to recognize?

47. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Quick Write “The difference between the best word and a good word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” -Mark Twain What did you think Twain meant by this?

48. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Explain the difference between these two sentences. Be specific. A. The room was a mess. B. Rumpled bedspread, piled up clothes, and a jumbled dresser greeted me as I pushed my way into the room.

49. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Telling vs. Showing 1 There are many fascinating things to see at the Farmers’ Market, which has been around for a long time. Rows of tangerines, crisp red apples, long purple eggplants, and succulent strawberries invite the shopper to stop at every farmer’s stand. Many of the farmers in the Farmers’ Market have sold their home-grown vegetables and fruits since the early 1900’s when the market was the only place to buy fresh food in the city. Now the market has expanded to include bakeries, funky antique stores, and a comic book vendor. The market is a visual feast for tourists and a keepsake for our town.

50. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Telling vs. Showing 2 The Beatles started a new trend in music in the mid-sixties. For many Americans the evening of February 9,1964, was a turning point in musical history. On this evening the Beatles made their debut in America on the Ed Sullivan television show. Kathi Anderson, then sixteen in Chicago, remembers, “My friends and I sat shaking and hugging each other on the couch in my living room as the Fab Four bounced out onto the stage. Their shaggy hair shook as they sang ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand’ and ‘She Loves You’ with an energy and sound we’d never heard before. We were instantly and forever in love.” That night the British Invasion, as it was called, began.

51. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Telling vs. Showing 3 The Seattle Sonics, led by Ray Allen, won Friday’s game.. The Seattle Sonics game against the Minneapolis Timberwolves on Friday night ended with the Sonics beating the Timberwolves 107-102 in overtime. Ray Allen, the Sonics’ star, struggled all night with his shot, but he ended up scoring 32 points for the game. Allen averages 31.5 points per game. According to the City Daily News, "Allen was 7-for-24 from the field in regulation, but went 3-for-4 in overtime, including two 3-pointers, and scored all but two of Seattle's points in the extra five minutes." With that win, Seattle won the first game of the new season.

52. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Manastash Field is a dangerous field. Manastash Soccer Field has caused more injuries to players than any other in the valley according to Tony Vela, the director of the North Valley Soccer Association. “The field is nothing more than sand and hard clay; clouds of dust explode into the air when players kick the ball. My players say it’s hard to see and breathe. When they fall, they end up with bloody shins.” Vela called upon the North Valley Parks Department to spend its money on fixing fields rather than on useless advertising. Telling vs. Showing 4

53. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflection If you had to explain today’s lesson to someone who could not attend class today and who also needs extra help, what would you tell them?

54. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda—Day 3 Discuss the Elaboration Scoring Guide and score two papers Practice with elaboration Score for elaboration Reflect

55. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. How to Score Elaboration Discuss the Elaboration Scoring Guide. Look at the examples on the following two slides and score them using the Elaboration Scoring Guide.

56. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Gr 10 - Drama - student sample (Pre-lesson) Besides helping to forget the problems life throws at us for a while, acting is a fun learning experience. You get to pose as characters who are much different from yourself. You can be heroes or villains. Acting is also good because for a short period of time, you get to walk in someone else’s shoes. With acting, you can be whatever you like.

57. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Gr 10 - Drama - student sample (Post-lesson) Besides helping to forget the problems life throws at us for a while, like bad grades on a test or fighting with your girlfriend, acting is a fun learning experience. You get to pose as characters who are much different from you, such as Vin Diesel, Ryan Atwood, or even Harry Potter. My friend Benjamin, who goes to Metro High School, had to play a really geeky guy in our school’s production of “Bye Bye Birdie.” Actually, he’s popular and plays drums in a band and could be a poster boy for Abercrombie. Acting is also good because for a short period of time, you get to walk in someone else’s shoes yourself. You can be an evil janitor, Martin Luther King, Jr., or a giant mouse. With acting you can be whatever you like.

58. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Write to a prompt. Your teacher has learned that a 10th grade student from another state is moving to your area. Write a multiple-paragraph letter to the new student explaining what it is like to live in your community. Remember to Select and narrow a topic. Plan the organization of your paper. Use details and elaboration strategies. Show, don’t tell!

59. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Score your papers. With a partner, read your papers and use the Elaboration Scoring Guide to score your elaboration. Highlight areas where you used details that show rather than tell.

60. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflect. After assessing your paper, what did you learn about your ability to elaborate? How was the scoring guide helpful? Be specific. What do you think you should work on next? Put this onto your goal form as well.

61. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda– Day 4 Quick write Understand layering Identifying layering on the WASL Reflect

62. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Quick Write Explain why you like candy or some other food. Elaborate. Use the Elaboration Strategies handout for ideas. When you are finished, highlight the elaboration strategies you used and identify them. Share the strategies you used with a partner.

63. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Read for conventions.  Basic spelling (including homonyms)  Capitalization  Punctuation Periods (run-togethers), apostrophes (possessives), commas, question marks especially in rhetorical questions  Subject-verb agreement, particularly number agreement with “their” (pronoun referents and verb agreement)  Complete sentences  Paragraphing  Conventions on your own personal list in your folder

64. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflection Look at the Quick Write you wrote at the beginning of this class today. What kinds of elaboration strategies did you use? Can you find evidence of layering? Underline a sentence that you could change in which you could add some layered details.

65. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda -- Day 5 Write to a WASL expository prompt Read for conventions Compare with WASL Scoring Guides Reflect

66. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Remember Use what you’ve already learned about  choosing a topic  narrowing the topic  organizing your ideas  checking for convention s

67. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Remember Use what you’ve already learned about  elaboration,  showing vs. telling,  layering,  using specific details.

68. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Write On Demand Write to this prompt. You have been asked to choose one or two items that will show what life is like in your high school in 2005. The one or two items will be placed in a time capsule, a container that will be assembled, buried, and then opened sometime in the future. Write a multiple-paragraph letter to your school board identifying the one or two items and explain why you have selected them. You may use a commercially published thesaurus and/or dictionary in print form.

69. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Read for conventions.  Basic spelling (including homonyms)  Capitalization  Punctuation Periods (run-togethers), apostrophes (possessives), commas, question marks especially in rhetorical questions  Subject-verb agreement, particularly number agreement with “their” (pronoun referents and verb agreement)  Complete sentences  Paragraphing  Conventions on your own personal list in your folder

70. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Compare with WASL Scoring Guides. Review the WASL Scoring Guide and Expository Checklist. Write.  What did you do well?  What is still a challenge?

71. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Compare with WASL Scoring Guides, continued Now have a partner identify and discuss  What were the areas of strength?  In what areas could the paper be stronger? On your own  Score your own paper.  What score did you earn, and why?

72. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflection Today you experienced writing in a testing situation.  What different approaches to choosing, narrowing, and organizing a topic did you try?  How have you improved?  What kinds of elaboration did you try and what kinds do you still need to work on? Add these to your goal form.

73. Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Feedback, please We welcome your comments. Please feel free to try these lessons and send feedback to Nikki Elliott-Schuman at nelliott@ospi.wednet.edu. We appreciate your labeling the subject line as Feedback: OSPI Instructional Support Materials. nelliott@ospi.wednet.edu