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Healthy Choices = Healthy Relationships

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1 Healthy Choices = Healthy Relationships
How to Recognize Healthy Relationships and When Relationships Are Unhealthy. Sixth – Twelfth Grade Designed and Develop by Mary Jo Sampson, Director of Religious Education, St. John the Baptist Parish, Vincennes

2 Control: Good or Bad When driving, staying in control is good.
Sometimes it is necessary to exercise control over others for their protection. Police officers enforce the traffic laws to protect us from accidents. Sometimes individuals try to control others by abusing their authority. When someone of authority is trying to force you to do something you should not that control is bad. In such cases, tell a trusted adult. When we try to control someone with threats that if they do not do what we want, we will no longer be their friend is also bad control. Controlling others can sometimes be bad.

3 What is a healthy relationship?
People in the relationship feel good about each other and themselves. You enjoy doing activities together. You freely communicate with one another. These relationships can last a few weeks, a few months, or even many years. Healthy relationships are fun for both people. Boundaries are set and respected. Why is it important in a healthy relationship that you feel good about yourself? In a healthy relationship should you be able to freely express how you truly feel about the other person? If you do not enjoy doing things with the other person, is the relationship a positive one?

4 Self-esteem Everyone is a person of worth.
No one deserves to be abused, used, or disrespected. One’s self-esteem should not be controlled by others. You are in control of how you feel about yourself. Peer pressure, media advertisement, and so-called experts can often times have a negative impact on our self-esteem. When we give these influences too much control, we may develop unhealthy attitudes about ourselves and unhealthy habits. Positive self-esteem is essential to avoid such things as drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, and developing unhealthy relationships.

5 Enjoying the company of others
You genuinely like spending time together and doing activities together. You make time for one another. You do not ignore the person when you are together, by focusing your attention everywhere else. When in a group, you include the other person in conversations and activities. Have you ever gone somewhere with a friend only to be ignored by that friend once you got there? Where you able to talk to your friend about how you felt being ignored? Does this seem to happen quite frequently with the same friend?

6 Unhealthy Communication
Feel as if you cannot honestly say what you feel. Refuse to listen to each other’s thoughts and opinions. Do not accept each other’s right to say no or to change your mind. Find that most conversations become arguments. Would you rather be talking to someone else other than the one you are with? Think. How healthy is a relationship if you cannot openly communicate. Remember communication also entails listening to what the other person is saying. When communicating with adults, such as parents and teachers, do you automatically shut down your listening mode? Do you feel that adults are not taking you seriously when you are talking. What are some ways you can bridge this communication gap? Is it always generational? Do you sometimes feel a failure to be able to communicate with those your own age?

7 Healthy Communication
Each other allows for a free exchange of thoughts, ideas, feelings etc. You use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. You respect each other’s right to say no. Communicate through disagreements instead of shutting down and giving each other the silent treatment. Healthy communication helps to create harmonious relationships. “I” statements allow you to share how you feel without pointing the blame at someone. An example of an “I” statement would be: I feel frustrated when you do not share how you feel with me. A “You” statement attaches blame and is confrontational. An example of a “You statement would be: You make me mad.

8 Fun for Both Fun for both sometimes requires compromise. A healthy relationship is not always just one person’s way. If you constantly find yourself having to force a smile because you really are not having a fun time, you need to communicate your feelings and perhaps re-evaluate the relationship. Says it all.

9 How Long? Healthy relationships do not have an expiration date on them. Some may last only a short while, while others may last a long time. The secret is to learn to enjoy and appreciate relationships for however long they last. Jealousy and possessiveness only destroys relationships before their time. Do you remember someone that you may have met at camp, on a cruise, or some other activity? Even if you no longer stay in touch, does thinking about this person bring back fun memories? Take a moment and think about a friend you have known the longest. What is one or two words you would use to describe that person?

10 Boundaries, What Are They?
Personal space that you set and keep between yourself and others. Boundaries work to keep things in and they keep things out. It defines your areas of privacy. Physical/Sexual Boundaries Emotional/Spiritual Boundaries Boundaries help us to define “where I end and you begin.” Why do we become uncomfortable if someone enters our personal space? Do boundaries change depending upon who the other person is?

11 Who Belongs Where? If you could draw a large circle around yourself, could everyone in your life fit in that circle? Who would be the closest to you? You decide. YOU Take your circle and identify where the following would be. God, family, classmates, co-workers, close friends and strangers. Not everyone can be in the inner circle of your life. Just like Jupiter we have rings.

12 Developing Healthy Boundaries
Decide how far you will allow people within your boundaries The closer you are to someone the more you tend to trust them. The more you trust someone the closer you allow them within your boundaries. Do not disclose everything about yourself to everyone. Self disclosure should be based on how well you know someone and how much you can trust the other will respect your privacy and trust in them. Trust is a two-way street. Do not allow someone in your inner circle that you do not trust or does not trust you. Respecting each other’s boundaries is a must. When a boundary is violated, use the experience to decide how to handle the immediate situation and similar situations in the future. Learn to trust your instincts. When you feel like a “red” flag has gone up, act on that feeling. Seek input from trusted adults. They have been where you are and can provide you insight. Speak up when a boundary is violated. Don’t hesitate to say “no” to anyone who may be trying to hurt you or take advantage of you. Setting boundaries is your call. Take time to allow trust to be developed in a relationship. Trust or lack of trust develops over time. Trusting someone completely too quickly can leave you vulnerable and embarrassed.

13 When does a boundary become unhealthy?
It is too rigid. You do not allow anyone to get close. You are unwilling to share personal feelings, wants, or needs. You seldom or not at all share your emotions, hopes and fears with your parents and family. It is hard for you to make and keep friends. You stay isolated from other

14 When a boundary is too loose, it is not a boundary.
Displaying inappropriate affection. Always doing what others want. Saying or doing sexually suggestive things in front of others. Sharing too much personal information. Doing anything to avoid conflict. Keeping silent about being abused. Allowing your boundaries to be loose or inconsistent can lead to you being hurt or having lower self-esteem. Are your personal relationships crumbling?

15 Slow Down: Boundary Violations. When the Following Happens:
Teasing and gossiping Someone asking personal questions that are inappropriate Taking someone’s possessions Saying or doing things that are offensive or vulgar Always trying to sit or stand too close Using inappropriate language or touch Forcing someone to do something sexual Physically or sexually abusing someone When someone does the following things to you, they are violating your physical and emotional boundaries. Violating someone’s physical and emotional boundaries can also violate their spiritual boundary as well. Can you give some examples of how one’s spiritual boundary can be violated when the above happens?

16 Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?
Are you confident Have a clear sense of your own views, values, and priorities Pick good, positive, and safe people to be apart of your life Know how to stand up for your self when appropriate In relationships, you don’t lose yourself Able to appropriately judge how much info you share and with whom Know how to protect yourself without shutting yourself off from others Know how to say “no,” no matter who the person is violating your boundaries Know when it is appropriate to ask for help. Never agree to keep secret violations of your boundaries no matter who is asking you to. Sometimes our boundaries are seriously crossed by someone we may know, love, and trust. Seek help from an appropriate adult who can help you. If that person doesn’t help, keep asking until someone does.

17 Making the choice to enforce your boundaries…
Creates healthy control over one’s self and helps to reduce the chances of you becoming a victim of physical or sexual abuse no matter who the perpetrator is.

18 Control Stealers Tactics
Become jealous or possessive of you Prey on or make you feel insecure Quick to anger or explosive Intimidate you Accuses you Exaggerated flattery Uses position or authority over you Bribes you to say yes Beware of Manipulations Allowing individuals to use any of these techniques enables them to gain greater control over you. The more they control you the more difficult it becomes for you to say “no.” How does it feel when someone is being possessive of you? How can someone use their position over you to manipulate you into doing things you do not want to do? Don’t let someone railroad you.

19 Build Healthy Relationships:
Take your time. Forcing a relationship never works out for the best. Balance the give and take Adjust to change Do not fixate on it Examine past relationships. Do you see unhealthy patterns? Seek in others the qualities you most admire Do not try to control the other person Remember when you try to control or change the other person, you are not respecting their boundaries.

20 The trick to good relationships is:
Making healthy choices and setting healthy boundaries.


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