1. Is There A Santa Claus? - Adapted from Richard Walker (Spy Magazine) by Joe Serpico (Niles West High School)

2. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are some 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

3. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa does not handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces his workload to 15 % of the total (378 million.) At a world wide average of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. Presuming at least 1 good child per Christian home.

4. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west which seems logical. This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

5. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks were left out, get back up the chimney, back into the sleigh and move to the next house.

6. Hey! That better not be a Mr. Hankey reference! - Assuming each of these 91.8 million houses is evenly distributed ( which is false, but will be assumed for calculations sake) we are now talking about.78 miles per household and a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops for feeding his team of deer, his overweight self, and to do what most of us must do at least once in 31 hours.

7. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second which is 3,000 times faster than the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison one of the fastest man-made vehicles is the Ulysses space probe which moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. Conventional reindeer can run at 15 miles per hour……….tops.

8. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa who is invariably described as overweight.

9. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lbs. Even granting flying reindeer exist, and even if they could pull TEN TIMES that of the common species, we cannot do the job with 8 or even 9 of them.

10. In fact, 214,200 reindeer would be needed. This would increase the pay load-not even counting the weight of the sleigh to over 353,430 tons! This is four hundred times the weight of Queen Elizabeth - the ship not the woman.

11. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second will create enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re- entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION Joules of energy per second!!!

12. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind team, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second.

13. Even if Santa doesn’t ignite, he will be subjected to impulse forces 17,500 times greater than the force of gravity. A 250- pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,000 pounds of force!!!

14. In conclusion -- If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.