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NANC Biblical Counseling Class Lesson 10: Biblical Parenting, Anger.

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Presentation on theme: "NANC Biblical Counseling Class Lesson 10: Biblical Parenting, Anger."— Presentation transcript:

1 NANC Biblical Counseling Class Lesson 10: Biblical Parenting, Anger

2 XII. Biblical Parenting

3 A. The Goal of Parenting 1.The glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31, 2 Cor. 5:9) 2.Faithfulness to do what God asks parents to do

4 B. The Priority of Marriage in Parenting 1.“One-flesh” vs. “not one flesh” relationships (Gen. 2:24) a.The marriage relationship is a permanent relationship b.The parent-child relationship is a temporary relationship 2.“Child-centered” home - “…a home in which the child believes and is allowed to behave as though the entire household… exist for one purpose – to please him” – Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger, 24. Children are allowed to: a.Interrupt adults when they are talking b.Use manipulation & rebellion to get their way c.Dictate family schedule d.Take precedence over the needs of the spouse

5 B. The Priority of Marriage in Parenting e.Have an equal or overriding vote in decision- making f.Demand excessive time and attention from parents to the neglect of other responsibilities g.Escape consequences of sinful behavior h.Speak to parents as peers i.Be the dominant influence in the home j.Be entertained and coddled (rather than disciplined) out of a bad mood

6 B. The Priority of Marriage in Parenting 3.“Christ-centered” home – children perceive that the goal of the family is to honor & please Christ. This means that: a.The marriage relationship is the priority relationship, since it is permanent. b.The husband is the head of the family, as Christ is the head of the church, and the wife is his helper. c.Children have an important relationship in the home, but their relationship is secondary & temporary.

7 C. Wrong Means & Goals in Parenting 1.Making children behave 2.Never telling children “no” – letting them have their way all the time 3.Sheltering them – “blank slate” approach 4.Legalistic parenting 5.Deterministic parenting 6.Forcing a profession of faith

8 D. A Common Misunderstanding 1.Prov. 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it. 2.Lit. – “train up a child in his own way, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” 3.Para – “train your child to always get his way, and when he grows up, he’ll still live to always get his way.” 4.This verse is a warning, not a promise.

9 E. The Means of Parenting 1.Deut. 6:4-9 a.A godly example (v. 6, cf. Ezra 7:10,1 Tim. 4:16) b.“In milieu” instruction (vv. 7-9) 2.Eph. 6:1-3 a.God has given parents the role of authority over children b.Children honor God when they honor and obey their parents c.Children need to understand that the place of God’s blessing is when they honor and obey

10 Spiritual danger HONOR & OBEY It will go well with you Ephesians 6:1-3 Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart

11 Spiritual danger HONOR & OBEY It will go well with you Ephesians 6:1-3 Dishonors or disobeys

12 Spiritual danger HONOR & OBEY It will go well with you Ephesians 6:1-3 Dishonors or disobeys ?

13 F. Corrective Discipline 1.Discipline is corrective & restorative, not just punitive. It is designed to train (Heb. 12:11) 2.The goal of discipline is to bring a child back into the circle of blessing 3.Discipline should target the heart, not just deal with behavior 4.The manner and means must be biblical. 5.The attitude and heart of the parent must be right before God.

14 F. Corrective Discipline 6.Kinds of corrective discipline: a.Logical consequences (Luke 15:11-24, 2 Thes. 3:10) b.Fruit of sin (Prov. 5:22, Jer. 2:19) c.Additional work (Gen. 3:17-19) d.Loss of privileges and rewards (Deut. 28) e.Corporal punishment (Prov. 13:24, 22:15, 23:13- 14, 29:15) f.The rod of men (2 Sam. 7:14, 2 Chron. 33:1-12)

15 F. Corrective Discipline 7.Guidelines on the use of the rod a.Check your own heart (cf. Eph. 6:4) b.Give clear instruction beforehand c.If a warning is appropriate, give only one (clearly, and do not count) d.Always discipline a child alone e.Ensure the child understood the instruction, and acknowledges that they did not obey. Make sure they know what they should have done. f.Use Scripture to show that discipline is right g.Inform the child of the number of swats they will receive

16 F. Corrective Discipline h.Use a neutral object to administer the said number of swats i.Use enough force and number of swats to accomplish training ii.Fighting, disrespect, or rebellion is an indication that more discipline is needed i.Comfort the child (this needs to be the same person who administered the discipline) j.Teach and counsel the child (use Scripture) i.Move from behavior to the heart (Prov. 20:5) ii.Put the issue in the context of worship iii.Show the child his responsibility before God iv.Present the gospel

17 F. Corrective Discipline k.Help the child to confess his sin, repent, and seek forgiveness from God and appropriate people l.Give the child a second opportunity to obey m.Use wisdom with when and where you use the rod

18 G. Ephesians 6:4 1.Fathers – bear primary responsibility 2.Do not provoke your children to anger a.Ways parents provoke children to anger i.Lack of marital harmony ii.Establishing/maintaining a child-centered home iii.Modeling sinful anger iv.Consistently disciplining in anger v.Scolding vi.Being inconsistent with discipline vii.Having double standards viii.Being legalistic (Making man-made rules equal to God’s law, or a test of spirituality) Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger (Calvary press).

19 G. Ephesians 6:4 ix.Not admitting when you are wrong x.Constantly finding fault xi.Parents reversing God given roles xii.Not listening to the child’s opinion or side of the story xiii.Comparing children to others xiv.Not having time to talk xv.Not praising the child xvi.Failing to keep promises xvii.Chastising him in front of others xviii.Giving too much freedom xix.Not giving enough freedom xx.Making fun of the child

20 G. Ephesians 6:4 xxi.Abusing them physically xxii.Calling them names xxiii.Having unrealistic expectations xxiv.Showing favoritism toward one child over another xxv.Employing child-training methodologies that are inconsistent with God’s Word b.“provoke to anger” does not mean you never upset, oppose, displease, cross, or anger your child. i.It speaks of “setting up” a child for an angry response. ii.It speaks of an ongoing pattern, not an occasional event.

21 G. Ephesians 6:4 3.But bring them up a.“Bring up” means to nourish up to maturity. b.The phrase reveals three implications: i.Children do not automatically grow up to be what God wants them to be (Prov. 22:15, 19:15) ii.The verb is a command, which means this is God’s will for all parents. It is the only option. iii.The verb speaks of an ongoing activity, which parents must be engaged in all the time. c.This reveals as well that the goal of parenting is to prepare our children to leave the home and live successfully on their own by thinking and acting biblically in all aspects of life

22 G. Ephesians 6:4 i.Thus all instruction and discipline in parenting must be a means toward this goal (Goal-oriented vs. Moment-oriented). Parenting must never be about relieving a parent’s frustration of the moment. ii.Parents must work hard to ensure that a child’s dependency, responsibility, and authority transitions from the parent to himself as he becomes a young adult.

23 G. Ephesians 6:4 4.In the discipline of the Lord a.“discipline” means “training” – “guidance for responsible [Christ-honoring] living” b.This training should include: i.Establishing appropriate guidelines and rules based upon biblical principles (Ps. 119:90-100, 2 Tim. 3:16- 17) ii.Explaining expectations clearly iii.Enforcing the rules and guidelines Modeling (1 Thes. 1:5-6, Phil. 4:9) Training (1 Tim. 4:7-8, Heb. 5:14) Motivating (1 Thes. 2:11-12) Correcting (Heb. 12:5-12, Prov. 13:24)

24 G. Ephesians 6:4 iv.Teaching children to think and live out of a biblical worldview v.Training children to respond biblically 5.And instruction of the Lord a.“instruction” means “admonishment” or “counsel” b.2 actions involved in this instruction: i.Discerning the thinking and behavior God wants to change (1 Thes. 5:14, Col. 1:28) ii.Verbally using God’s Word to change thinking & behavior (Rom. 15:14, 2 Thes. 3:15, Col. 2:18)

25 G. Ephesians 6:4 6.Of the Lord a.Christ & His Word are the authority b.Christ & His Word provide the content c.Christ & His Word teach the means d.Christ & His Word reveal the end or goal 7.How? a.My example b.“In milieu” times of instruction c.Formal times of instruction d.Corrective discipline e.Participation in the body of Christ

26 H. A Vision for Parenting Psalm 78

27 XIII. Anger

28 A. God and anger 1.God gets righteously angry (Ps. 7:11, Rom. 1:18, John 3:36) 2.God’s anger is a right and just response to what is wrong and offensive. God’s anger is not sinful (James 1:13, Lev. 11:44, ) 3.Jesus was righteously angry at times (Matt. 21:12-13, Heb. 4:15, 1 Peter 2:22) 4.Therefore, God demonstrates that anger can be utterly holy, right, good, and even a loving response to sin 5.Though the capacity for human anger may be linked to being made in the image of God, sin has so twisted the human heart that human righteous anger, untainted by sin, seems unlikely

29 B. Definition of anger 1.Anger is a whole-personed, active response of negative moral judgment against perceived evil 2.“…the rising up in the heart in passionate displacency against an apprehended evil, which would cross or hinder us of some desired good” – Richard Baxter Definition adapted from Robert Jones, Uprooting Anger (P&R, 2005), 15.

30 B. Definition of anger 3.The New Testament has three words for anger: a.Thumos – explosive anger, the boiling agitation of the feeling and passion of anger (“wrath” in NASB) – Eph. 4:31 b.Orge – an abiding, settled attitude of indignation that frequently seeks revenge (“anger” in NASB) – Eph. 4:31 c.Parorgismos – anger mingled with irritability, exasperation, and embitterment (“anger” – NASB) – Eph. 4:26

31 B. Definition of anger 4.Anger has an object (a target) 5.Anger is often used as a tool to get what a person wants or as a weapon of punishment when a person doesn’t get what he wants (James 4:1-3) 6.Anger judges things. It weighs something and find it wrong, lacking or displeasing. Then it moves into action. 7.Though righteous anger is possible, the vast majority of human anger is sinful anger

32 C. Anger is disguised by names 1.Miss Hurt, Upset, Offended, Bothered, Annoyed, Needs a Nap 2.Mrs. Irritated, Resentful, Irate, At the Boiling Point, Enraged, Infuriated 3.Mr. Disturbed, Disappointed, Frustrated, Ticked Off, Hot Under the Collar, Worked Up, Distressed, Bitter, Displeased, Got Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed 4.Help the counselee see his own anger (halo data is important here) Adapted from material on anger by Dr. Wayne Mack

33 D. The Bible’s perspective on anger 1.Anger is something that a person chooses to do. People do not make us angry (Ps. 37:8, Eph. 4:31) 2.Anger comes as a result of idolatry: putting self in place of God (Rom. 12:19, James 4:3) 3.Anger is mental murder (Matt. 5:21-22, James 4:3)

34 D. The Bible’s perspective on anger 4.Anger is extremely deceptive (Heb. 3:13) a.It deceives us into thinking that it is right for us to hurt people who have hurt us b.It deceives us into thinking that we must obey it – that we can’t help our angry response 5.Anger is both taught and modeled to us in life (Prov. 22:24-25). It can become a habit or second nature through practice (Prov. 19:19)

35 E. Most people have a faulty view of anger 1.Most think their anger is a justified and normal response to how they have been treated 2.Some even think that not expressing or “validating” your anger is the real source of people’s problems 3.Yet the Bible consistently warns people to not be angry (Ecc. 7:9, James 1:19-20, Rom. 12:19, Eph. 4:31, Ps. 37:8) 4.Instead, the Bible calls for a different response to what most people think is a normal and justifiable occasion for anger (Matt. 5:44, 22:39, Rom. 12:18, Eph. 5:25)

36 F. How to deal with sinful anger 1.Recognize that the vast majority of anger is sinful 2.Help counselees adopt a biblical view of their anger (section D and E in notes) 3.Teach them the log principle (Matt. 7:1-5) 4.Identify the thinking and ruling desires (idols) that govern their heart (James 4:1-3)

37 F. How to deal with sinful anger a.What did I want that I didn’t get? b.Is there something I am wanting too much? c.What sinful thoughts and desires was I entertaining? d.Does my anger tend to fit a pattern? i.With whom am I typically angry? ii.In what contexts am I likely to get angry? iii.Under what circumstances am I likely to be angry? iv.How long am I angry? v.Do I tend to blow up, clam up? Volcano or slow simmer? Deny it? Attack a substitute? Leave?

38 F. How to deal with sinful anger e.Is my anger “primed and ready” to respond to another person’s sin? (1 Cor. 13:4-7, James 1:19-20) f.What needs, rights, expectations, and demands do I impose on God and other people? g.Has my lack of repentance led me to be bitter and resentful? Am I regularly angry? 5.Confess your sin to God and others. Be specific! 6.Ask God and others for forgiveness (1 John 1:9, Luke 17:3-4)

39 F. How to deal with sinful anger 7.By God’s grace, repent of your anger a.Ask for God’s help and wisdom (James 4:2b, 3) b.Identify and “put-off” any desires, thoughts, or beliefs that are sinful (Eph. 4:22, Rom. 12:2a). “Purge your personal pantheon of idols” – Rick Holland c.Renew those desires, thoughts, and beliefs by looking to God’s Word (Eph. 4:23, Rom. 12:2b) d.Replace and “put-on” righteous desires, thoughts beliefs, and motives built on the worship of Jesus Christ alone (Eph. 4:24)

40 F. How to deal with sinful anger e.Develop a specific plan for dealing with anger i.Memorize helpful Bible verses ii.Identify your person pattern – develop a “plan for righteous responses” iii.Meditate on the truths of God’s Word daily. Ask for His help regularly. Review your plan. iv.Consistent practice of righteous responses is the key to growth and change (1 Tim. 4:7b-8) v.Quickly stop and repent when you begin to respond in anger. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Don’t ignore it. Confess and seek forgiveness quickly (Eph. 4:26)

41 F. How to deal with sinful anger vi.Keep an anger journal to help you vii.Monitor your thoughts and “self talk.” Repent as soon as you catch yourself thinking angry, sinful thoughts. Replace them with biblical thinking. viii.Be aware of other sins which often accompany and feed anger (pride, bitterness, slander, gossip, evil intent, murder, sexual sin, other deeds of the flesh) ix.Make sure you seek forgiveness from all whom you have been angry with. g.See God in the midst of the trial (Gen. 50:20, Rom. 8:28-29) h.Make room for the wrath of God (Rom. 12:19)

42 F. How to deal with sinful anger i.Return good for evil (Rom. 12:21)

43 G. Helpful Bible verses 1.James 4:1-3, 1:19-20 2.Ephesians 4:31-32 3.Philippians 2:3-5 4.1 Corinthians 13:4-7 5.Proverbs 6.Matthew 5:21-22

44 H. Helpful resources Robert Jones, Uprooting Anger (P&R, 2005) Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger (Calvary, 1997) Lou Priolo, Get a Grip (Calvary, 2006) Robert Jones, Angry at God? (P&R, 2003) David Powlison, Anger (P&R, 2000) Stuart Scott, Communication & Conflict Resolution (Focus, 2005) Ken Sande, The Peacemaker (Baker, 2004) Wayne Mack, Strengthening Your Marriage (P&R), Unit 4; and A Homework Manual for Biblical Living (P&R), section on anger.

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