1. My lover & I have the right physical “chemistry” b/t us. 2. I feel my lover & I were meant for each other. 3. My lover & I really understand each other. 4. I believe what my lover doesn’t know won’t hurt either of us. 5. My lover would get upset if they knew about some of my past. 6. When my lover gets too dependent, I want to back off a little. 7. I expect to always be friends w/ my lover. 8. Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion. 9. Our love relationship is the most satisfying b/c it developed from a good friendship. 1. In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone w/ similar bkgrd. 2. An important factor is whether they would be a good parent or not. 3. Another factor is how they would reflect on my career. 4. Sometimes I get so excited about my lover, I can’t sleep. 5. When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over. 6. I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else. 7. I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer. 8. When my lover gets angry w/ me, I still love them fully & unconditionally. 9. I would endure all things for the sake of my lover.
This scale, from Hendrick & Hendrick (1990), is based on Lee’s six types of love. Left column Statements 1-3 are characteristic of the Eros lover. Statements 4-6 are characteristic of the Ludus lover. Statements 7-9 are characteristic of the Storge lover. Right column Statements 1-3 are characteristic of the Pragma lover. Statements 4-6 are characteristic of the Manic lover. Statements 7-9 are characteristic of the Agape lover.
Like Narcissus, who fell in love w/ the beauty of his own image Focuses on beauty/physical attractiveness Idealized image of beauty-unattainable in reality Intense love Early self-disclosure Sentimental expressions Quick falling in love period
Grows out of friendship Stability Lacks passion & intensity Companionable Gradual process of unfolding thoughts & feelings Sex comes later & assumes no importance
Game/fun-must be interesting/amusing Better the game, better the enjoyment Emotions held in check Passions never get out of control Self-controlled-manage love May reveal tendency toward sexual aggression Multiple dating & sex partners Commitment avoidance
Compatibility & meets needs/desires Family & bkgrd important-more logic than feelings Asks practical questions such as “Earn a good living?”, “Cook?”, “Advance me in my career?”- clear criteria before falling in love Careful selection, emphasizing similarities Realistic romantic expectations
Devise games & tests Experience emotional extremes-high/low May experience extreme jealousy Obsessive-possess completely & be possessed Poor self-image improves w/being loved Danger signs often ignored since love is only thing that matters
Other’s happiness ahead of their own w/ no expectation of reciprocity -spiritual love More philosophical love on one level-Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi preached this unqualified love Loves the stranger on the road even though they will never meet again
What things might you do to become more aware of the different love styles & to become a more well-rounded lover? How might you go about incorporating the qualities of interpersonal competencies to become a more responsive, more exciting, more playful love partner?
Appearance ◦ Beyond initial impressions: Ordinary-looking people w/ pleasing personalities likely to be judged attractive Physical factors become less important as relationship progresses-positive illusions are created over time “Attractive features may open doors, but apparently, it takes more than physical beauty to keep them open.”
Similarity-research confirms we like people who are similar to us ◦ The more similar a married couple couple’s personalities, the more likely they are to report being happy & satisfied in their marriage ◦ Provides a measure of ego support ◦ Attraction is greatest when we are similar to others in a high % of important areas Survive disputes on important subjects Similarity turns from attraction to dislike when behave is strange or socially offensive
Complementarity-opposites attract ◦ Differences strengthen Successful couples find ways to keep a balance b/t similarities & differences, adjusting to the changes that occur over the years
Reciprocal attraction ◦ Attracted to people we believe are attracted to us ◦ I am a likable person Competence-like to be around talent Disclosure-builds liking b/c it’s a sign of regard Proximity-interacting frequently w/ people creates liking Rewards-social exchange theory-seeking people who give us rewards
Identify five characteristics that make a member of the opposite sex ◦ Attractive ◦ Repulsive Identify five characteristics that make a member of your own sex ◦ Attractive ◦ Repulsive
Growth Stage 1.Individuality-needs, goals, love styles, bkgrd, etc. 2.Invitational communication-social polite, cliché, some facts— (self-concept, proximity, similarity) 3.Explorational-more facts-exchange of info—opinions begin to emerge—goal is to reduce uncertainty so reciprocity is important—eventually move to casual dating… 4.Intensifying-falling, intense, idealized, more self-disclosure, positive exaggeration 5.Revising-reality-perceived problems discussed, moving forward or not 6.Commitment-stay, life commitments are organized around the relationship, engagement, marriage, live together
Ongoing process of commitment & management o Relational culture of private rules, understandings, meanings, patterns of acting and interpreting o Relational dialectics o Rituals & rules o Placemaking to create comfortable personal environment reflecting values, taste, experiences o Artifacts, photos, art, music, books, spaces for chats
Deterioration 1. Intrapsychic processes-feelings of dissatisfaction, internal thoughts focused on failures, thinking about alternatives 2. Dyadic processes-breakdown of relational culture Women-communication declines in quality & quantity, one-sidedness (no equity), more tuned into tensions, jealousy of emotional involvements Men-activities decrease, jealousy of sexual involvements 3. Social support-look to outside for support, family &friends-self- serving, could say things regret later 4. Grave-dressing processes-accepting the end & burying by making sense of the relationship, what it meant why it failed, how it affected us. Also explaining to others 5. Resurrection processes-move on, single again, reorganize, break the synchrony
We want to know & be known We want to understand & be understood We want to know the other takes our perspective into account
Requires communication ◦ Cautious with alcohol & drugs ◦ Do not assume other is not at risk ◦ Acknowledge embarrassment & awkwardness ◦ Use “I” language
Romantic relationships can require special attention: ◦ Fragile & lack of skill ◦ Violence & abuse Women & men alike Significantly underreported Reporting = fear of consequences or embarrassment Stalking Power=domination Intervention
◦ Lack of routine ◦ Unrealistic expectations for time together ◦ Unequal effort invested Understanding this can lead to more loving & passionate experiences when together
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