6 Long term results of Punishment Resentment: “This is unfair”“I can’t trust adults”Rebellion: “They can’t make me”“I’ll do what I want”Revenge: “I’ll get even and hurt back,even if it hurts me”Retreat:Low self-esteem: “I must be a bad person”Sneaky: “I just won’t get caught next time”
8 Kind AND Firm Validate feeling, show understanding. and follow through I know you want to stay with your friend, And it’s time to go.I know you would rather watch T.V than do your homework, and the homework needs to be done.I know you don’t want to pick up your toys, and what was our agreement.You don’t want to go to bed, and it’s time to sleep. Do you want 1 or 2 stories once you put on your pajamas?I know you don’t want to brush your teeth, and we’ll do it together? What to race?
17 WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR CHILD? Asking Vs. TellingAsking creates a process of thinking and searching in the brain.Curiosity questions invites cooperation, and the child feels capable.Telling stagnates thinking.Telling creates physiological resistance in the body.WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR CHILD?
18 5 Criteria of Positive Discipline Respectful.Helps the child to feel belonging and significance.Effective long-term.Teaches life-skills.Empowers.
19 There isn’t any parenting tool that works every time for every child There isn’t any parenting tool that works every time for every child. That’s why you need many of them.
20 Belonging and Significance NurtureHelp the child feelBelonging and SignificanceHelp him blossomYou can guarantee to do your best,but you can’t guarantee the results!
25 Belief behind the behavior The child tries to find the answers for 3 questions:Who am I?What the world looks like?What should I do to survive and thrive? (how to belong and be significant?)Then he sends us a coded message….
27 I belong when I’m noticed Child BeliefReminding doing thingsI will keep them busyAdult BehaviorWho should break the cycle?Child GoalAnnoyed, worried, guiltyAdult FeelingChild BehaviorKeeps asking for things
28 Mistaken Goal ChartParent/teacher proactive and empowering responses include:Coded messagesThe belief behind the child’s behavior is:And if thechild’s response is:And tends to react by:If the parent /teacher feels:The Child’s goal is:Redirect by involving child in a useful task to gain useful attention.Ignore (touch without words)Say what you will do. “I love you and ” (Example: I care about you and will spend time with you later.)Avoid special service.Have faith in child to deal with feelings (don’t fix or rescue ).Plan special time.Set up routines.Engage child in problem-solving.Use family/class meetings.Set up non-verbal signals.Notice Me – Involve Me UsefullyI count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m only important when I’m keeping you busy with me.Stops temporarily but later resumes same or another disturbing behaviorReminding Coaxing Doing things for the child he/she could do for him/her selfAnnoyed Irritated Worried GuiltyUndue Attention (to keep others busy or to get special service)Redirect to Positive powerBy asking for helpOffer limited choicesDon’t fight and don’t give in: withdraw from conflict.Be firm and kind.Act, don’t talk.Decide what you will do.Let routines be the boss.Leave and calm down.Develop mutual respect.Set a few reasonable limits.Practice follow-throughLet Me Help- Give Me ChoicesI belong only when I’m boss, in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can’t make me.Intensifies behavior Defiant compliance Feels he/she’s won when parent/teacher is upset Passive PowerFighting Giving in Thinking “You can’t get away with it” or “I’ll make you” wanting to be rightChallenged Threatened DefeatedMisguided Power (to be boss)Acknowledge hurt feelings.Avoid feeling hurt.Avoid punishment and retaliation.Build trust.Use reflective listening.Share your feelings.Make amends.Show you care.Encourage strengths.Put kids in same boat.I’m Hurting-Validate My FeelingsI don’t think I belong so I’ll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can’t be liked or loved.Retaliates Intensifies Escalates the same behavior or chooses another weaponRetaliating Getting even Thinking “How could you do this to me?”Hurt Disappointed Disbelieving DisgustRevenge (to get even)Break task down to small steps.Stop all criticism.Encourage any positive attempt.Have faith in child’s abilities.Focus on assets.Don’t pity.Don’t give up.Set up opportunities for success.Teach skills/show how . But don’t do for; enjoy the child.Build on his/her interests.Don’t Give Up On Me – Show Me A Small StepI can’t belong because I’m not perfect, so I’ll convince others not to expect any-thing of me; I am helpless and unable; It’s no use trying because I won’t do it right.Retreats further Passive No improvement No responseGiving up Doing for Over helpingDespair Hopeless Helpless InadequateAssumed Inadequacy (to give up and be left alone)
30 Positive Discipline is not about being a perfect parent No body is perfectPositive Discipline is not about being a perfect parentSometimes you feel good Sometimes you feelabout being a parent defeated and not knowingwhat to doWorking for improvement is healthy, perfectionism is not.
32 Recognition 2. Responsibility 3. Reconciliation 4. Resolution Realize that you made a mistake “I made a mistake”2. ResponsibilityTake responsibility for your part of the conflict “I yelled at you instead of telling you my feelings”3. ReconciliationApologize: “I’m sorry for treating you disrespectfully and for any hurt I may have created.”4. ResolutionWork on an agreement of what both of you can do that will be respectful and effective if the problem occurs again, or what either of you can do to fix any damage that might have been done.
33 Things often get worse before they get better Usual ParentingEffective Parenting
36 Winning over Children Winning Children over Creates a struggle. Creates a winner and a loser.Short term effect.Negative life skill.Produces rebellious or submissive children.Invites cooperation.Both sides are winners.Long term effect.Positive life skill.Produces good character.
39 Natural Consequences I GOT WET Happen naturally with no adult’s interference.When you don’t eat; you gethungry.Avoid saying anything that willadd MORE shame, pain or blame.Show empathy and understanding.No rescuing or fixing.
40 Logical Consequences Require adult intervention. Should help the child learnlife & social skills.When appropriate; follow the Four Rs:.RelatedRespectfulReasonableRevealed in advance when possible
44 Enabling is ..Getting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices.
45 You are Enabling when you: Do /give them too much.Bribe and /or reward.Over protect (physically and emotionally).Lie for them.Punish / control.Lecture.Blame and shame.Live in denial.Rescue /Fix
46 Empowering is ..Turning over control to your kids so they have power over their own lives and can learn from their mistakes.
47 Empowering is when you: Show faith.Respect privacy.Express your limitsListen without fixing, discounting, or judging.Decide what you will do with dignity and respect.Follow through with kindness and firmness.
48 Empowering continued….. Let go off their issues without abandoning them.Make agreements.Love and encourage.Ask for help..Share your feelings.Do joint problem solving.Use respectful communication.Give information instead of orders.Encourage learning from mistakes.
49 What does giving choices teach? Practice creating choices
52 Four Hints for effective Follow- Through: Keep comments simple and concise “I notice you didn’t tidy up your room. Please do it now.”In response to objections; ask, “What was our agreement?”.In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use nonverbal communication. Point to your watch. Smile knowingly. Give a hug and point to your watch again.When the child conceals to keep the agreement (sometimes obviously annoyed) say, “Thank you for keeping our agreement.”
68 See the Change You Want to See in People… Why become a parent educator?Changing your personal & professional life24 hours workshopTraining on how to lead workshopsReading PD bookYou will be assigned activities to be presented in front of your group – receive thorough feedback