Presentation on theme: "Creating Respective Relationship in Homes and Schools."— Presentation transcript:
Creating Respective Relationship in Homes and Schools
What do you want for your children ?
Mistakes are opportunities to learn Morning hassles Work ethics, time management Fighting Conflict resolution Temper tantrums Communication skills Lying, stealing, Courage, responsibility cheating
What have you tried?
Long term results of Punishment Resentment: “This is unfair” “I can’t trust adults” Rebellion: “They can’t make me” “I’ll do what I want” Revenge: “I’ll get even and hurt back, even if it hurts me” Retreat: ₋Low self-esteem: “I must be a bad person” ₋Sneaky: “I just won’t get caught next time”
What else is there?
Kind AND Firm Validate feeling, show understanding. and follow through I know you want to stay with your friend, And it’s time to go. I know you would rather watch T.V than do your homework, and the homework needs to be done. I know you don’t want to pick up your toys, and what was our agreement. You don’t want to go to bed, and it’s time to sleep. Do you want 1 or 2 stories once you put on your pajamas? I know you don’t want to brush your teeth, and we’ll do it together? What to race?
When we know better, Why don’t we always do better? What happens? How does our brain work?
When our kids misbehave We become AFRAID that: They will be “monsters forever.” We cannot We are “not doing our job.” think “children will get away with it.” rationally
Punitive time out Naughty corner What do you think this child thinks, feels and decides?
Children do better when they feel better
To help your child cool off; you need to cool off first. What can help you cool off ?
Cooling off time What do you think this child thinks, feels and decides?
My Child won’t listen “كام مرة قلت لك...”
Asking Vs. Telling Asking creates a process of thinking and searching in the brain. Curiosity questions invites cooperation, and the child feels capable. Telling stagnates thinking. Telling creates physiological resistance in the body. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR CHILD?
5 Criteria of Positive Discipline 1.Respectful. 2.Helps the child to feel belonging and significance. 3.Effective long-term. 4.Teaches life-skills. 5.Empowers.
There isn’t any parenting tool that works every time for every child. That’s why you need many of them.
Nurture Help the child feel Belonging and Significance Help him blossom You can guarantee to do your best, but you can’t guarantee the results!
Using feelings effectively
Belief behind the behavior The child tries to find the answers for 3 questions: 1.Who am I? 2.What the world looks like? 3.What should I do to survive and thrive? (how to belong and be significant?) Then he sends us a coded message….
Break the Code
I belong when I’m noticed Child Belief Adult Behavior Child Goal Adult Feeling Child Behavior I will keep them busy Keeps asking for things Reminding doing things Annoyed, worried, guilty Who should break the cycle ?
Mistaken Goal Chart Parent/teache r proactive and empowering responses include: Coded messages The belief behind the child’s behavior is: And if thechild’s response is: And tends to react by: If the parent /teacher feels: The Child’s goal is: Redirect by involving child in a useful task to gain useful attention. Ignore (touch without words) Say what you will do. “I love you and ” (Example: I care about you and will spend time with you later.) Avoid special service. Have faith in child to deal with feelings (don’t fix or rescue ). Plan special time. Set up routines. Engage child in problem- solving. Use family/class meetings. Set up non- verbal signals. Notice Me – Involve Me Usefully I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m only important when I’m keeping you busy with me. Stops temporarily but later resumes same or another disturbing behavior Remindin g Coaxing Doing things for the child he/she could do for him/her self Annoyed Irritated Worried Guilty Undue Attention (to keep others busy or to get special service) Redirect to Positive power By asking for help Offer limited choices Don’t fight and don’t give in: withdraw from conflict. Be firm and kind. Act, don’t talk. Decide what you will do. Let routines be the boss. Leave and calm down. Develop mutual respect. Set a few reasonable limits. Practice follow-through Use family/class meetings. Let Me Help- Give Me Choices I belong only when I’m boss, in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can’t make me. Intensifies behavior Defiant compliance Feels he/she’s won when parent/teac her is upset Passive Power Fighting Giving in Thinking “You can’t get away with it” or “I’ll make you” wanting to be right Challenged Threatened Defeated Misguided Power (to be boss) Acknowledge hurt feelings. Avoid feeling hurt. Avoid punishment and retaliation. Build trust. Use reflective listening. Share your feelings. Make amends. Show you care. Act, don’t talk. Encourage strengths. Put kids in same boat. Use family/class meetings. I’m Hurting- Validate My Feelings I don’t think I belong so I’ll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can’t be liked or loved. Retaliates Intensifies Escalates the same behavior or chooses another weapon Retaliatin g Getting even Thinking “How could you do this to me?” Hurt Disappointe d Disbelieving Disgust Revenge (to get even) Break task down to small steps. Stop all criticism. Encourage any positive attempt. Have faith in child’s abilities. Focus on assets. Don’t pity. Don’t give up. Set up opportunities for success. Teach skills/show how. But don’t do for; enjoy the child. Build on his/her interests. Use family/class meetings. Don’t Give Up On Me – Show Me A Small Step I can’t belong because I’m not perfect, so I’ll convince others not to expect any-thing of me; I am helpless and unable; It’s no use trying because I won’t do it right. Retreats further Passive No improvemen t No response Giving up Doing for Over helping Despair Hopeless Helpless Inadequate Assumed Inadequac y (to give up and be left alone)
Connection before Correction
No body is perfect Positive Discipline is not about being a perfect parent Sometimes you feel goodSometimes you feel about being a parent defeated and not knowing what to do Working for improvement is healthy, perfectionism is not.
4 Rs of recovery from mistakes.
1.Recognition Realize that you made a mistake “I made a mistake” 2. Responsibility Take responsibility for your part of the conflict “I yelled at you instead of telling you my feelings” 3. Reconciliation Apologize: “I’m sorry for treating you disrespectfully and for any hurt I may have created.” 4. Resolution Work on an agreement of what both of you can do that will be respectful and effective if the problem occurs again, or what either of you can do to fix any damage that might have been done.
Things often get worse before they get better Usual Parenting Effective Parenting
parents can help parents
Make a Fist
Winning over Children Creates a struggle. Creates a winner and a loser. Short term effect. Negative life skill. Produces rebellious or submissive children. Winning Children over Invites cooperation. Both sides are winners. Long term effect. Positive life skill. Produces good character.
How can I Help my child?
Natural Consequences Happen naturally with no adult’s interference. When you don’t eat; you get hungry. Avoid saying anything that will add MORE shame, pain or blame. Show empathy and understanding. No rescuing or fixing. I GOT WET
Logical Consequences Require adult intervention. Should help the child learn life & social skills. When appropriate; follow the Four Rs:. Related Respectful Reasonable Revealed in advance when possible
Focus on Solutions
Solutions should be: 1.Related 2.Respectful 3.Reasonable 4.Helpful
Enabling Vs. Empowering
Enabling is.. Getting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices.
You are Enabling when you: 1.Do /give them too much. 2.Bribe and /or reward. 3.Over protect (physically and emotionally). 4. Lie for them. 5.Punish / control. 6.Lecture. 7.Blame and shame. 8.Live in denial. 9.Rescue /Fix
Empowering is.. Turning over control to your kids so they have power over their own lives and can learn from their mistakes.
Empowering is when you: 1.Show faith. 2.Respect privacy. 3.Express your limits 4. Listen without fixing, discounting, or judging. 5.Decide what you will do with dignity and respect. 6.Follow through with kindness and firmness.
Empowering continued….. 7.Let go off their issues without abandoning them. 8.Make agreements. 9.Love and encourage. 10. Ask for help.. 11.Share your feelings. 12.Do joint problem solving. 13.Use respectful communication. 14.Give information instead of orders. 15.Encourage learning from mistakes.
Choices What does giving choices teach? Practice creating choices
Agreements first then Follow Through
Four Hints for effective Follow- Through: 1.Keep comments simple and concise. “I notice you didn’t tidy up your room. Please do it now.” 2.In response to objections; ask, “What was our agreement?”. 3.In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use nonverbal communication. Point to your watch. Smile knowingly. Give a hug and point to your watch again. 4. When the child conceals to keep the agreement (sometimes obviously annoyed) say, “Thank you for keeping our agreement.”
My Way You Way
Children do what you do, not what you tell them to do.
Parents can help parents.
Continuum of change
Focus on strengths
A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child
How to encourage my child?
Please be seated
Family Meeting Agenda Compliments Challenges Evaluate last week’s solutions Focus on solutions for this week’s challenges Special Event Meal Planning Calendar Family togetherness event planning Family Fun
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