Learning how to talk to yourself in a positive, constructive, and empowering way is not so much about telling yourself happy little lies as much as it is preventing yourself from falling victim to depressing big lies.
“Our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of our abilities [our self-theories] determine how we interpret our experiences and can set the boundaries on what we accomplish.” Daniel Pink: Drive
“I used to think my brain was my most important organ. But then I thought: wait a minute, who’s telling me that?” Emo Phillips, quoted in Sandra Aamodt and Sam Wang: Welcome to Your Brain: Why You Lose Your Car Keys but Never Forget How to Drive and Other Puzzles of Everyday Life
Your Inner Child is shadowed by an Inner Spoiled Brat
For a variety of evolutionary reasons, the human mind automatically gravitates toward negative, frightening and depressing thoughts. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: The Evolving Self: A Psychology for the New Millennium
Experts refer to ANTs – automatic negative thoughts
Psychologists say that up to 80% of self-talk is negative – and that we can abuse ourselves at a speed of 400 words per minute!
And much of it is below the level of conscious awareness, like graffiti on a subway car: after a while you don’t notice it
You would never tolerate anyone else speaking to you the way you allow your spoiled inner brat to get away with.
The split personality of your Inner Spoiled Brat
“We are seeing evidence of the brain’s ability to remake itself throughout adult life, not only in response to outside stimuli, but even in response to directed mental effort...” Jeffrey Schwartz: The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force
“We are seeing, in short, the brain’s potential to correct its own flaws and enhance its own capabilities.” Jeffrey Schwartz: The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force
You can rewire the hardware by reprogramming the software!
“People can benefit tremendously by learning how to talk to themselves constructively: by learning how to intercept automatic negative thoughts before they build up such a head of steam that they become unstoppable...” Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.: Worry: Controlling It and Using It Wisely
“By using logic to generate alternatives to gloom and doom; and then, eventually, by chipping away at the negative self-schema that generates so much of the worry in the first place.” Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.: Worry: Controlling It and Using It Wisely
At Values Coach we’ve seen many examples of profound personal transformation – like this one…
From self- described negative person to poster child for passion!
The 4ch formula (pronounced forch – rhymes with porch)
54 The 4ch Formula Challenge Challenge Charge Charge Chill Chill Choose Choose
Toxic emotional negativity is cigarette smoke for the soul
It makes you sick and it makes the people around you sick.
“When someone dumps their toxic feelings on us – explodes in anger or threats, shows disgust or contempt – they activate in us circuitry for those very same distressing emotions...” Daniel Goleman: Social Intelligence
“Their act has potent neurological consequences: emotions are contagious… Like secondhand smoke, the leakage of emotions can make a bystander an innocent victim of someone else’s toxic state.” Daniel Goleman: Social Intelligence
If you really pay attention you will see that a great deal of your negative self-talk is in the form of complaining, one way or another.
In an observational study at one Values Coach client with about 3,000 employees, our Spark Plug group extrapolated from their observations that there were over 10 million episodes of TEN in their organization per year!
That’s 1.5 gripes and gossips per hour per employee every working day of the year.
If you doubt that’s possible, for the next week pay close attention to yourself and the people around you – you will probably conclude that 1.5 gripes and gossips per hour per employee is actually a pretty conservative estimate.
87 Challenge the toxic voice of your Inner Spoiled Brat.
“We found [athletes’] performances improved dramatically when they stopped self-abusive feedback, and started thinking about the positive – what they were accomplishing, instead of what they weren’t.” James E. Loeher and Peter McLaughlin: Mentally Tough
“Going from 30 million engaged workers to 60 million engaged workers would change the face of America more than any leadership institution, trillions of stimulus dollars, or any law or policy imaginable.” Jim Clifton: The Coming Jobs War
Where do fall on this matrix and how can you move to the northeast?
“Sleep loss cripples thinking in every way [including]” attention, executive function, immediate memory, working memory, mood, quantitative skills, logical reasoning ability.” John Medina: Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School
Your defenses against the Inner Spoiled Brat crumble when you are sleep deprived
Choose your emotions: EDQs (Emotion Deflection Questions) are a variation on the DDQ. “Is the emotion I’m feeling right now optimal for what I have to do next? If not, what emotional station should I switch to?”
“‘Try’ is a dangerous expression that has enormous power to influence your behavior. It’s toxic. Use it very carefully. When ‘try’ creeps into your language or into your thoughts, pluck it out quickly.” Walter Anderson: The Confidence Course
Choose to believe that you are capable and deserving of success and happiness.
“Of all the self-help concepts I have uncovered, the concept of ‘programming’ the brain with a more successful ‘new picture’ of yourself is the most sensible...” Shad Helmstetter: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself
“Whatever you put into your mind - in one way or another - is what you will get back out - in one way or another.” Shad Helmstetter: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself