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CHOICE AND CHANGE The Psychology of Personal Growth and Interpersonal Relationships, 7 th ed. by April O’Connell, Vincent O’Connell, and Lois-Ann Kuntz Chapter 8: ADULTHOOD THROUGH THE SECOND HALF OF LIFE ISBN : 0-13-189170-7 Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved PowerPoint Slide Set, Version 1.0 by April O’Connell and Lois-Ann Kuntz for
By the end of this chapter, you should be able to relate: 1. How the modern nuclear family differs from the extended r rural family 2. The stresses and strains of nuclear parenting 3. The factors involved in abusive relationships 4. Explain why divorce may be more to cope with than death 5. The differences between romantic love and - - mature love 6. Guidelines for making amends 7. The causes, complications, and - - consequences of infidelity 8. How to reconnect with your marital partner CHAPTER 8 ADULTHOOD THROUGH THE SECOND HALF OF LIFE Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
CAN MODERN MARRIAGE SURVIVE THE WINDS OF CHANGE? UNDOUBTEDLY! But in what form, we aren’t prepared to say. Today, at least 25 percent of American households are non-traditional, including: teenage parents single parents divorced adults stepfamilies adoptive families homosexual couples and cohabiting adults Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
THE EXTENDED RURAL FAMILY AND THE MODERN NUCLEAR FAMILY Characteristics of the modern nuclear family: Two generations living under one roof Privacy not a problem (unless no adult -- bedroom) Nuclear parents overwhelmed by multitasks When a parent is incapacitated, there is - - no one to help Many physical and financial demands on -- parents Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved Characteristics of the extended rural family: Three generations or more under one roof Physically and emotionally supportive bb because their survival depended on it All hands shared tasks of farming and bb childrearing If ill, other members of family could help out Lack of privacy for entire household
THE OVERLOADED, OVERWHELMED NUCLEAR PARENTS Today’s nuclear parents have to play many roles: Housekeeper, cook Mechanic, plumber Electrician Child-rearing, nurse Homework supervisor Nurse, Hostess Chauffeur Gardener Grocery shopper Clothes shopper Bookkeeper and accountant Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
IS OUR RELATIONSHIP MATURE, AUTHENTIC AND LONG-LASTING? Ask yourself the following types of questions: Do I feel good after we are together or do I suffer from lower self-esteem? Do I like him just the way he is or do I think he needs improving? Does he like me just the way I am or does he try to improve me? Does he have a few problems that will change after we are married? Are we content to be together doing ordinary everyday tasks or are we always having to go out to an event to be happy? Does he enjoy being just with me or does he often see previous friends without me? Do we have similar interests or are we complete -- opposites? Am I playing the “Ideal Romantic Image” or am I being my true authentic self? Only you and you alone can answer these questions. Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
1.They apologize too much They don’t apologize at all 2. No sense of humor Not when the joke’s on me! 3.Always full of complaints You won’t fix anything 4.She’s always “improving” me You embarrass me outside 5 She always says I’m wrong You don’t take suggestions 6. She nags me to do things I do my jobs. You do yours. 1.He never compliments me She looks OK to me. If she didn’t, I’d tell her so 2. When I tell him our marriage is in trouble, he shuts up I don’t know what to say 3. He never listens to me She’s full of complaints 4. He hates if I suggest things She’s always telling me what to do 5. He doesn’t thank me when I don’t expect thanks I do nice things for him so why should she? 6. He never takes me out I’m too tired when I get home from work MEN, WOMEN, AND COMMUNICATION Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
CAUSES Marital unhappiness (especially for women) Marital boredom Men and women working in close proximity and in their best attire Working in a high adrenalin job, such as ER teams CONSEQUENCES The Betrayed may decide that what is good for goose is good for gander May end in divorce if there are other problems, such as alcohol but only 10 percent marry the other person in the affair May decide to wait out the affair Men are more upset by sexual infidelity; women are more upset by emotional infidelity INFIDELITY: CAUSES and CONSEQUENCES Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED? YES IF... The Betrayer sincerely wants to make amends The Betrayer stops the affair immediately The Betrayer is willing to understand the Spouse’s questions and answer them If the Betrayer accepts their Spouse’s nervous vigilance If the couple goes to counseling POSTSCRIPT: If the two people are able to mend their relationship, they may have a better relationship than ever before. Why? Because they are relating to each other in new and exciting ways. INFIDELITY: OUTCOME Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
You must agree to these rules before you have a quarrel: 1. Quarrel about one thing at a time. 2. “Hit-and-run” drivers not allowed. 3. Don’t SHOUT! Keep your voice low and quiet. 4. Keep to the truth. Don’t lie or exaggerate. 5. Don’t go in for the blaming game: “It’s your fault!” 6. Don’t play the silent game. Just say what’s troubling you. 7. When tempers are flaring, call for “time-out.” 8. No violence! No violence of any kind. 9. Avoid terrorism. Don’t bomb the other with threats. 10. Look for win-win solutions, where everybody comes out feeling better. THE DO’S AND DON’T OF CONSTRUCTIVE QUARRELING Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
Known as the Battered Spouse Syndrome, the key elements are: 1.Isolation: The batterer isolates the victim from family and friends 2.Surveillance: Batterer watches and controls movements of the victim 3.Exhaustion: He makes her work at her job and her house tasks and his tasks 4.Hostile paranoia: He is suspicious, jealous, and accuses her of infidelity 5.Financial deprivation: If she works, he takes her wages and doles out money to her; sometimes prevents her from spending money on herself 6.Chemical dependence: He controls her by making her dependent on alcohol and drugs 7. Verbal humiliation: Tells her she is ugly, worthless 8.Physical abuse: He grows more violent, she may be in the hospital with broken arm, concussion, or worse 9. Repeated cycle: Violence, promises to stop, presents and romancing 10.Jekyll and Hyde personality: May often appear as a loving husband and father FACTORS INVOLVED IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
THE DECLINE AND RETURN OF MARITAL SATISFACTION Highest before children come When first child comes As more children come As children grow older Adolescence: at lowest ebb Almost back to before children Children leaving the nest Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
1. Death is final. No matter how hard the widowed may grieve, the funeral service is a rite of passage that begins the process of psychologically ending the life that was. When children are involved, divorce is never final since the divorced pair need to cooperate in many ways, such as visiting times, birthday and holiday gifts and routines, school and other everyday problems. 2.Lack of “rites of passage” for divorce. We have many ways to mark our transitions in life, such as engagement, marriage, and parenthood. We do not have specific cultural ways for the recognition of the newly-divorced person or the person’s reintegration back into society. 3.Children complicate the problem still further. Except in cases of parental abuse, children still hope their biological parents will reunite and everybody can “live happily ever after." They may sabotage parental efforts to create a new life and often resent anyone new in their parents’ lives, particularly with their mothers. 4.Interference from friendly relatives. Relatives of both parties may try to get information out of the children as to possible new partners, how they are living and money being spent, and they may even make negative comments in front of the children, adding more ingredients in the mix of problems involved in any divorce. WHY IS DIVORCE IS MORE DIFFICULT TO COPE WITH THAN DEATH? Copyright © by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved
CHOICE AND CHANGE The Psychology of Personal Growth and Interpersonal Relationships, 7 th ed. by April O’Connell, Vincent O’Connell, and Lois-Ann Kuntz.
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