Presentation on theme: "40 THINGS MEN AND WOMEN DO TO THEIR MARRIAGES By: Laurie Snyman, LCSW."— Presentation transcript:
40 THINGS MEN AND WOMEN DO TO THEIR MARRIAGES By: Laurie Snyman, LCSW
GOD ESTABLISHED MARRIAGE Marriage was God’s plan For companionship A safe environment to raise families “It is not good that man be alone, I will make him a helper…. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh.”
Man is incomplete....until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Here is advice for the teens in this congregation You need only do three things in this country to avoid poverty - 1) finish high school, 2) marry before having a child, and 3) marry after the age of 20. “79 percent of those who fail to do this are poor.” -William Galston, of the Clinton White House
“This seminar is not meant to replace counseling or mentoring needed for troubled couples.”
Counseling and treatment is necessary for couples with the 3 A’s: Addiction Abuse Adultery (or suffering from mental health issues)
If you are married to a non-believer, Know the seminar today may have some suggestions that are difficult to conform to if one does not have an interest. Although this seminar is mostly focused on Christians and SDA Christians, there are suggestions that any marriage will benefit from. Singles can also benefit from this seminar.
TOO LITTLE PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING Couples considering marriage need to explore subjects like: finances, children, goals, roles in the home, future expectations, spiritual interest, family of origin problems, careers, emotional issues, in-law issues.
“Pre-marital counseling takes the surprise out and helps a couple prepare for their upcoming marriage.” Norman Wright, PH.D “Too many enter marriage equipped with only the world’s pattern. “James Dobson
SUBJECTS FOR PREMARITAL COUNSELING Book Suggestion: Before You Marry by Norman Wright, Ph.D and Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons by Neil Warren
The Big D(ivorce) 50% of couples that divorce separate before the 5 th anniversary (and the majority before the 2 nd anniversary).
U.S. Highest Divorce Rate The United States today has the highest divorce rate in the entire world. More than 1/2 of all first marriages end in divorce (about 67%) 2 nd marriage divorce rates are higher (most blame problems on the kids)
CHILDREN SUFFER of all divorced fathers rarely see their children, and most pay no child support. “I hate divorce” says God.
CHRISTIANS ARE NOT ABOVE THE PROBLEMS “Neither... Adulterers… will inherit the kingdom of God.” I Cor. 6:10 NIV Christians are divorcing and committing adultery at the same rate as non-Christian’s. Guard your heart. Proverbs 7:24-27
RELIGION IS NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE Born again Christians have a higher divorce rate than non-Christians. George Barna
AND GROWING……..!!! Divorce in the bible belt of the United States is higher than in the rest of the United States as a whole.
Women have had an explosive growth in online affairs. Just like in the Garden of Eden, the snake enticed the woman into conversation until she sinned. Women yearn for conversations on a deep level.
DEFINITION OF ONLINE AFFAIRS An online affair (or cyber affair) is an intimate/sexually explicit communication (instant messaging, , exchanging pictures) between a married person and someone (other than their spouse) that takes place on the Internet. 75% of s between men and women are of a romantic/sexual nature.
SH-H-H, IT’S A SECRET.. Most people think having an online affair is a big secret, but it sucks the life out of the present marriage. Scripture tells us, “You may be sure that your sin will find you out”. (Num. 32:23).
TWICE AS LIKELY.. are as likely to file for divorce than men are. When women are unhappy, they are more likely to visit a divorce lawyer. They are more reactive. Women often cite neglect more than abuse, an affair or an addiction.. as the reason they want a divorce.
Divorce at ages The fastest growing segment of divorces is for couples who are in their 40’s and 50’s. (If a wife feels she has been raising the family alone with little support emotionally, she is longing for some time to develop herself. She often pulls away to learn new skills, travel, try new recreational pursuits.
When are we most vulnerable? H---HUNGRY? (Esau’s pottage) A---ANGRY? (When men feel angry, they equate sex as healing the anger) L---LONELY? (David and Bathsheba) T---TIRED? (More open to nurturing comments) B---BORED? (More interested in entertaining yourself with conversations)
Can Churches Really Help? When churches deliberately focus on marriage and family in their church services (such as praying for them in public, educating in seminars, programs for marriage and family,) it was found to make a significant impact in decreasing the divorce rate in their church. -George Barna- Researcher
.. he who sleeps with another man’s wife.. no one who touches her will go unpunished. Proverbs 6:27-29
“.. may you rejoice....in the wife of your youth.” Proverbs 5:15,18
COUPLES PROCRASTINATE Most couples do not go for marriage counseling till 6 months after their problems began.
Only 35% of marriage counseling is successful. 38% of those successful in marriage counseling will go back to their old ways within 1 year of counseling.
Is It The Fault of The Therapist? Only an experience with Jesus Christ keeps us “others focused” so that we actually change from the inside out. Without Christ, we do things on our own strength and usually fail. (See Romans 8)
COUPLES WHO STAY TOGETHER STUDY OF 100 COUPLES WHO DECIDED TO STAY TOGETHER WERE STUDIED FOR 30 YEARS
GOOD VS EVIL…GOD VS. SATAN We know there is Good and Evil. Who is Good? God Who is evil? Satan God vs.Satan Who wants marriage to be “heaven on earth” Who wants your marriage to be miserable? If God wants you to have peace in your home, what would please Satan? Turmoil.
So, when husbands or wives refuse to work on their marriage, who are you pleasing? (Satan) Women, If God commands you in the Bible to respect your husband, what does Satan want? (Disrespect) So men, if you are to LOVE your wife, do you think working on your marriage would be a loving thing to do?
There is a war between good and evil, is there not? Light and darkness Happiness vs. turmoil Life vs. death Marriage is a part of this fight: God’s will vs. Satan’s delight GOOD AND EVIL…
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 1)You don’t communicate well. “Let the husband and wife talk things over together”. EGW in 10 MR 185
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 2)Ignoring your wife. (might be tv, working outside, tuning out her concerns)
30,000 – 60,000 WORDS…WOW! It has been said that men speak about 30,000 words per day and women speak 60,000 per day. Men speak their words at work and women speak 30,000 words at work and save the other 30,000 for the husband and family in the evening.
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 3) Spending most of your free time with other men, the church, other activities and not carving out time with her.
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 4)Not calling when you are late. “It is the will of God that the husband and wife will respect each other…AH
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 5)You rarely help with household chores. Statistic: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
QUOTES You now have duties to perform that before your marriage you did not have. AH 114 Whoever wishes to become great shall be a servant. Matt. 20:25-28
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 6) You think your only marriage duty is to be the provider.
Neglect by Husband Husbands that work long hours and feel their greatest contribution to the marriage is to make an income often fall into this category -where a wife perceives she is neglected by him.
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 7) Not being honest because you want to avoid conflict at all costs.
Honest Doesn’t Mean Every Detail… Wives usually give too many details and expect same of husband. This takes away from excitement of marriage. However, men or women will often lie to protect themselves (lies of omission). This erodes the trust of the marriage and is self-centered not God-centered. David Stoop, Ph.D
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 8)Acting like a bachelor instead of a team player. ( On earth, your spouse is to occupy #1 position, not job, not ministry, not self. If this isn’t happening, you need to apologize and change.)
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 9)Not complimenting your wife’s clothes, hair, personality, etc. and/or making negative comments about something your wife cannot change. (Wives want to know they are attractive to you.)
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage 10) Thinking leadership means total control and dominance. “Love, honor and negotiate”..
WARNING- DON’T EVEN SAY IT… “(If the husband is not)..under the rule of Christ…. If he is..rough,.. egotistical, harsh,..let him never utter the words (that he).. is the head of the wife, and that she must submit to him in everything; for he is not the Lord, he is not the husband in the true significance of the term.... AH Professing to be wise, they became fools. Rom. 1:22.
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE..for bitter or worse… 1.I nag my husband to get him to do things.
“..nothing discourages a man more from trying to be good husband than the feeling that no matter what he does, his wife is never pleased with him. “ Dr. Laura Continual outbursts are not healthy. Proverbs 29:22
TREAT HER LIKE A THOROUGHBRED…., They say, “Treat your wife like a thoroughbred and she will never act like an old nag.
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 2) I expect my husband to express more feelings like my female friends.
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 3) I believe my husband should know how I feel about things.
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 4)I tend to obsess on my husband’s shortcomings and remind him often of them. “A harsh word stirs up anger” Prov. 15:1, NIV. “(S)he who holds her tongue is wise.” Prov. 10: 19, NIV
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 5) I yell at my husband during disagreements. Temper is folly. Prov. 14:29 Let your conversation be full of grace Col. 4:6 Let your mind dwell on..whatever is lovely. Phillippians 4:8 ITS BEEN SAID…. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 6) I have threatened divorce because my husband isn’t really meeting my needs. A patient (wo)man has understanding. Prov. 14:29
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 7) I have called my husband derogatory names. (like jerk, idiot, etc.) He (she) who guards his (her) tongue keeps (her)himself from calamity James 3:2
FACTS AREN’T THAT IMPORTANT Too many couples think the facts are more important than the feelings or opinions of their partner. A wife and husband can be frustrated but getting an issue solved in a healthy way is the most important to the health of the marriage and the environment. Every issue unsolved accumulates to damage the marriage.
Allow your spouse to be real and express ideas, opinions you don’t agree with. Intimacy in marriage is built on truth.
VERSES TO REMEMBER “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” (Prov. 15:1, NIV). Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the head Christ (Eph. 4:15).
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 8)I have expected the worst of my husband in some situations. Let us stop passing judgment on one another. Rom. 14:13
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 9)I have started bringing up old issues when fighting with my husband. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. I Cor. 13: 5 When Satan reminds you of your past problems, remind him of his future.
Propensity To Change A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE 10) I have told my husband he reminded me of one of his parents, brothers (etc.) in a negative way.
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 11) Dislikes responsibility and wants his wife to take care of him.
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 12) Letting things slide and not taking an active part in fixing a problem with the marriage.
The Problem is NOT the Problem.. It is how the couple solves it (handout-unfair fighting) 69% of problems will not resolve. Couples who succeed in marriage learn how to stop letting it eat at them, laugh at it and go on their way.
Happiness To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 13) Not listening (Women want conversation on a deep level)
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 14) Being self-focused There are many obligations in the marriage covenant. The husband is to love his wife "as Christ also loved the church" (Eph. 5:25 ). If all you have is from God, Why act like you Are so great? I Cor. 4:7 (Women want family time and commitment to the marriage.)
Give and Get “Anything that would mar the peace and unity of the family should be firmly repressed…. He who manifests the spirit of tenderness.. and love will find the same spirit will be reflected upon him…..They will be striving together for the mansions Christ has gone to prepare for those who love Him. AH 120
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 15) Letting your differences between husband and wife alienate you from each other. If anyone thinks he knows all the answers, he is just showing his ignorance. 1 Cor. 8:1-3 Be ye kind to one another, tender-hearted and forgiving.. Eph. 4
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 16) Refusing to get help for medical, emotional or mental health issues.
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 17) An attitude of haughtiness or arrogance. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 18) Thinking romance is a waste of time. ( Women want romance and affection without a goal.)
GENDER DIFFERENCES There are some definite gender differences. While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, ‘can you describe your wife's favorite flower?’
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? (Women want to be appreciated for who they are and not just what they do. Clue: Do not give frying pans and vacuum cleaners for her birthday.)
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 19) Avoid problems till they blow apart. (Most men will avoid conflicts at all cost.) We need to grasp God’s perspective when we are stressed and perplexed by trials.
WAYS MEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 20) Not being financially responsible with our money (One of women’s greatest needs is to know she is being cared/provided for.)
NEXT 10 WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 1I) I lose my self-control when I am arguing. (when there is arguing, there is nothing being accomplished except denial and defending) “Live in peace with everyone.” Rom. 12:18
Both Spouses Need to Reflect Am I trying to fix my spouse Am I trying to change my spouse Am I trying to blame my spouse Would I really be happy if my spouse did it my way?
Progressive ways to fix a marriage Prayer, Bible Study, books, resources, videos, seeking out a trusted friend, pastor or counselor, change of heart, trying to fix the way you react.
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 12) I have made negative comments about my husband’s body/appearance that he cannot correct. Don’t let unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. Eph. 4:29
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 13) I have compared my husband to other men with better behavior and sensitivity.
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 14) I’ve talked down to my husband, displaying an attitude that his opinion isn’t important.
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 15) I blurt out hurtful comments to my husband when I am angry. “Let us stop passing judgment on one another”. Rom. 14:13, NIV
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 16. I’m reactive.
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 17)I have expected my husband to spend most of his free time with me and complain when he does things 1-2 times per week with others.
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 18) I have felt justified in having talking relationships with other males near my age.
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 19) I have made my children, my parent’s or my business more important than my husband.
WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 20) I give my husband that cold shoulder when I am moody or upset at something
NEXT 10 WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 21) Led by instincts. “Renew the early attentions to each other…let (him) think how (he) can make the married life what God would be pleased to have it be.” 10 MR (Men have a great need for sexual fulfillment…but when focused on their needs more than their wife’s need, this usually becomes a problem area.)
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 22) Use brute strength and intimidation to control the bride you vowed to love and cherish. “Satan would be glad to…make you suspicious, jealous of every little thing…” 10 MR 184:2
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 23) No sense of humor and being too intense. Self-conceit and self reproach are depressing. Phil.4:13
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 24) Being a practicing slob.
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 25) Not being an involved father
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 26) Not encouraging your wife to have female friends.
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 27) Talking/acting in a harsh, judgmental or angry manner. “He who holds his tongue is wise” Proverbs 10:19, NIV. “Make allowances for loved ones.” Ephesians 4:2 “Speak the truth in love..” Eph. 4:15
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 28) You see marriage as a loss of masculine freedom and come and go and do as you please.
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 29) Unwilling to say I’m sorry or taking responsibility for wrong. Pass on to them who are hurting the same help and comfort God has given us. I Cor. 1:3
WAYS MEN KILL MARRIAGES 30) You blame your wife for everything wrong in your life. “If you refuse criticism, you will end in disgrace. Prob. 13:18 and 17:10
“A person that pollutes: …obsenities, lusts, ….greed,..slander,arrogance, foolishness-all these are vomit from your heart. There is the source of your pollution.” Mark 7:20-23 The Message Bible Book Suggestion: It’s Not My Fault By: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
10 MORE WAYS WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 21) I make less than 3 meals per week.
Partners not only benefit, kids do too… Regular meals are the single strongest predictor of a) better achievement scores, b) higher grades
The way parents/partners interact at dinner is powerful.. Mealtime was found to be a more powerful influence than time spent in school, studying, church, playing sports, or art activities.
WAYS WOMEN KILL MARRIAGES 22) I don’t kiss my husband each morning and night.
If my husband is angry and leaves to cool down, I follow him.
WAYS WOMEN KILL MARRIAGES 24)I want my husband to treat me just like he did when we were dating. Book Suggestion: “Men Read Newspapers Not Minds” by Sandra Aldrich
WAYS WOMEN KILL MARRIAGES 25) I am guilty for not getting help for past problems so I can have a better marriage. “He heals the broken-hearted and binds the wounds” Ps. 147:3 “Put up with each other and forgive anyone that does you wrong. Just as Christ has forgiven you!” Col. 3:13 CEV
HOW WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 26)I often wonder why I chose my husband and if I married him for the wrong reasons. Mrs. White says: We should never give consideration to the thought that we have married the wrong person.
WAYS WOMEN KILL MARRIAGES 27) I am jealous. I often question my husband about other women (despite the fact he has never cheated).
WAYS WOMEN KILL MARRIAGES 28) My kids have left home and I’ve been thinking about my marriage flaws. I am unhappy in this marriage and want to change my husband or get out. Book Suggestion: Seasons of a Marriage by Norman Wright
29) My moods decide if I will like my husband on a daily basis. Suggestion: Chart your menstrual cycle and realize if it is your PMS time, deal with things after it passes.
MOODS “Do not be overcome with evil but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21 “Treat others the way you want them to treat you.” Luke 6:31 Book Suggestions: Freedom From Depression and Depression is a Choice both by F. Minirith and P. Meier And Mood Cure by Julie Ross
HOW WOMEN KILL THEIR MARRIAGES 30) I have complained to my children, parents and/or friends about my husband’s behavior. “Don’t let unwholesome talk come out of your mouth.” Eph. 4:29. “Live at peace with everyone.” Rom. 12:18, NIV
Last 10 Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 31) Getting involved with pornography. Let him deny himself and follow me. Mark 8:34 Resources: Affairs of the Mind, The Porn Trap, Every Man’s Battle, wwww.xxxchurch.com
ANONYMITY, AFFORDABILITY, ACCESSIBILITY Because of the anonymity, affordability, and accessibility of Internet sexual resources, the computer can accelerate the transition from "at risk" to "addicted," as well as the progression of sex addiction in those with a history of prior sexual compulsivity.
HOOKED 8-10 percent of Internet users become hooked on cyber sex. -Center for Internet Addiction Recovery
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 32) Not cultivating an affectionate relationship. Guy-Girl Differences: When women want intimacy, it mean talking and connection. When men want intimacy, it means sex to feel connected. David Stoop, Ph.D
33) Having an affair. “Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them.” AH 116:2
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 34) Not cultivating kindness in the relationship because you are stressed, angry or tired much of the time.
“The tongue has the power of life and death. Prov. 18:21 (Our burdens color our attitude) Phil. 4:6,7 (Impatience is not Godly) Gal. 5:22,23
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 35) Never initiate recreational time together.
It says: “When you say I mean the world to you..which part of the world are you talking about?”
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 36) Procrastinates on minor and major things. “ Trouble chases sinners while blessings reward the righteous.” Proverbs 13:21
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 37) Inconsistent in standards, morals, ethics. Don’t realize I am leaving a legacy for my family. “It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. “ Phillippians 2:13 NIV
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 38) Not Spending Time with Other Men for friendship, prayer and accountability. Overbooked? Isa 32:17
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 39) Don’t remember family traditions like birthdays, anniversaries, or call their mother without being reminded.
Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriages 40) Don’t work on your spiritual life. There are many couple devotionals such as: Nite Lights by James Dobson, Touch Points for Couples by Tyndale House and Moments Together by Dennis Rainey.
Things Women Do To Kill Their Marriages 31) I say disrespectful things to my husband whenever I want to.
Things Women Do To Kill Their Marriages 32) I probably lecture or say way too much to my husband on many subjects.
Things Women Do To Kill Their Marriages 33) I have caused some financial hardship with my spending habits A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?“ And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Things Women Do To Kill Their Marriages 34) I avoid bedtime with my husband by keeping busy around the house.
Things Women Do To Kill Their Marriages 35) I probably like things perfect so I am guilty of being controlling in my marriage. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
THE PERFECT HUSBAND Some women went to a shopping center that was selling perfect husbands. The carload of women went to the 1 st floor of the shopping center. The rules were only to pick one door and if they went past it, they could not come back to it.
The first door sign reads: “These men have high paying jobs, and love kids.” But since, they could only pick one door, they say, ‘that is neat, but what might we at the next door and on the next floor. So, they go up to the second floor.
The second door sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, AND are extremely good looking.” The girls say, “Hmm…that is neat. But what if there is even a bigger prize behind the next door. I wonder what the guys are like at the next door. On they go to the next floor.
On the 3 rd door, the sign reads: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking AND help with housework.” ‘Wow’, say the women, ‘very tempting… After some discussion, they realize the men are getting even better with each door, so they wonder what is at the next door.
The fourth door sign reads: ‘These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, will help with housework, and are terrific lovers.’ ‘O my,’ said the girls, ‘Just what might be awaiting us further up??’ Why settle…So, up to the 5 th floor to the next door.
The fifth floor sign reads: ‘This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit at the stairway door.’
36)I don’t spend quality time weekly with my husband.
THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL THEIR MARRIAGE 37) I have not supported, encouraged or suggested daily devotions with my husband.
Things Women Do To Kill Their Marriages 38) I deny my husband sex unless he has fulfilled what I asked him to do around the house or has met my emotional needs.
HE STARTS TO UNDERSTAND..
Things Women Do To Kill Their Marriages 39) I rarely say I am sorry.
Forebearing? “Be..forbearing, considerate and courteous. By the grace of God, you can succeed in making each other happy, as in your marriage vow you promised. AH 118:2
Things Women Do To Kill Their Marriages 40) I am careless with my hygiene, appearance and how I run my household.
“Make a home for your husband and family. Remember that this is a high calling and responsibility. It has eternal value. Making others content and happy also make me more content and happy.” From Dr. Laura’s book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”
IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP Money spent on babysitting, dates, retreats is well worth it. Do thoughtful things that spike your marital satisfaction levels Learn about Love Languages by Gary Chapman so that you are meeting needs of each other.
It is of vital importance that the married couple stay in constant and clear communication with the Head of the Church..Christ. 2 Tim. 4:2
REMEMBER.. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."
“Unmet needs.... are a primary cause of extramarital affairs”. Dr. Willard Harley, author of the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
MEN’S NEEDS- 1)Sexual Fulfillment 2)Want a recreational companion 3)A spouse well thought of and attractive 4)Someone to coordinate their home 5)Respect and admiration
WOMEN’S NEEDS 1.AFFECTION-Not always sex 2.CONVERSATION-on a deep level 3.HONESTY AND OPENNESS 4.FINANCIAL SUPPORT 5.FAMILY/ TIME COMMITMENT -Results of 500 Couples were asked by a research company what they needed in their marriage.
WANT A GOOD MARRIAGE YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD!
WORK HARD W-Wisdom We need God’s wisdom and get it from the Bible and Prayer.
WORK HARD O- OPENNESS
WORK HARD R-RECREATION
WORK HARD K- KINDNESS
WORK HARD H- HONESTY
WORK HARD A- AFFECTION ATTITUDE
WORK HARD R- RESPECT Voices of culture tell us respect is to be earned…he doesn’t deserve respect, how can I give it if I don’t feel it… We have not earned God’s love and don’t deserve it. When we give respect, we are obeying God. Emmerson Eggerichs, PhD from Love and Respect
ROUND AND ROUND WE GO.. When husbands feel disrespected, they are less loving. When wives feel unloved, they are often disrespectful. He is trying to send the message, “I don’t deserve this” and she is defensive. Women put up walls if they feel unloved. This starts a circle of unhappiness. God wants us to stop spinning.
WORK HARD D- DOMESTIC SUPPORT
PRAY, PRAY, PRAY A Study was done on couples willing to pray for the marriage and their spouse with prayers from Stormie Omartian’s book on prayer for spouses.
PRAYER The Catholic and Protestant couples in the survey were to pray for 30 days, each morning and each night using the same prayers. Half were to affirm their partners and half just pray.
PRAYER-POSITIVE IMPACT The Protestants improved more than the Catholics (they assume because they were more comfortable with that type of praying) saying it significantly impacted their relationships in a positive way. Those that also affirmed their spouses once daily also reported an even greater positive effect than just praying.
Texts to remember in your marriage Encouragement: “The Lord hears the cries of the righteous (and the forgiven) Ps. 34:15 Healing: Confess your sins to each other And pray for each other, so that You can live together whole and healed. James 5:16
Change is not easy,....but worthwhile It can be painful but worth the effort. We must depend on Christ and not on ourselves. It means acknowledging things that are not comfortable instead of blaming others Change requires humility, honesty. It takes commitment (like your marriage) And it takes a change of heart. (see Christ for directions) Chris Thurman, Christian Psychologist
HOWEVER…. Two are better than one, Because they have a good return for their work… Though one may be overpowered, Two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NIV
The end What can be more pleasing to God than to see those who enter into the marriage relation seek together to learn of Jesus and to become more and more imbued with His Spirit? AH 114.2
RESOURCES How to Communicate With Your Mate Nancy Van Pelt Making Marriage Work H.M.S. Richards, Jr. Ten Keys to a Happy Marriage Mike Tucker Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce Ellen G. White
CHRISTIAN BOOKS Five Years of Marriage Phillip Swihart & Wilford Wooten Blueprints for a Solid Marriage Dr. Steve Stephens Awful to Awesome: A Marriage Restored Art and Lysa TerKuerst