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천일국 Home Life: Parents and Children CP Seminary Korea.

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1 천일국 Home Life: Parents and Children CP Seminary Korea

2 천일국 Home Life: Parents and Children As we saw, some blessed couples are experiencing various difficulties. This is reflected in the situation of our blessed children. The education and example set by the parents is essential. True Father’s significant words on children, and childrens’ education: 천성경 – 천성경 (Book Four, Chapter 9: True Education for Children) Sun Myung Moon’s Philosophy of Education Gathering for Reading and Learning Series Vol 4: Unification Family Life Gathering for R & L Series Vol 5: Raising Children in God’s Will Gathering for R & L Series Vol 8: The Way for a True Child

3 Miscellaneous Books which are of considerable help: Raising Children of Peace (Ed by Farley and Betsy Jones) A Unification text Outside books: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens (Sean Covey) Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons (Meg Meeker) Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters (Meg Meeker) The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families (David Niven)

4 In my family, there are 3 sons and twin daughters (and now, 2 daughters-in-law) Our experience: Be concerned with everything (not intrusive, but concerned) Always encourage (praise more than blame); be free with praise Family traditions –Prayer, special times (outings, movies, dinner, etc.) –Attendance to True Family events –Closing meeting (sing, pray, share, comment, report, etc.) Communication (often and open; be sensitive to limits and borders) Weekly phone calls to everyone Daily phone calls to grandparents Try and set a good example in what you say and do, always Demonstrate doing nice things for other people (not just talking about it) Celebrate birthdays, special days, etc. Take life seriously, but don’t take life too seriously Individual time for each child (always one wishes one could have done more) Your children are a part of you forever and ever and ever and ever Attend sports events, graduations, etc. if at all possible Let them know that you care, and are concerned (not by words, but by actions)

5 From David Niven (The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families) “From raising children to getting along with in-laws, what do people with close and loving families do differently than those with strained or fulfilling relationships? Sociologists, therapists, and psychiatrists have spent entire careers investigating the ins and outs of family dynamics, yet their findings are inaccessible to ordinary people, hidden in obscure journals to be shared with other experts.” This book has collated the findings and present the 100 simple secrets of happy families.

6 Some Simple Secrets of Happy Families Taken from The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families (David Niven) 1 Be a good friend. Be the ultimate friend for your child. Be there for him/her. Be on his/her side. Let your child be who they are. Embrace them for it. –Don’t push –Always encourage and be positive –Always listen 6 Believe in Yourself to Help Your Family –Be there, be loving, be understanding, be reassuring 7 Saying nothing says something –If a parent senses something, ask about it but don’t be intrusive –You child should know that you are there for them 9 Dedication matters more than occupation –Mission/family balance; commit to loving & dedicating yourself to your family

7 10 Its okay to be right when everyone else is wrong –The responses of children as they age from school age to adult shows that their feelings for their parents and family change, and that more than half feel more positively toward their upbringing as they age. –Don’t be afraid to be strict and set clear policies for behavior, etc. –The curfew story (setting limits) 12 Tell your family story –Share stories with your children about family history, etc. 13 Don’t hide from your family –If you have goals in mind, share them, so all can support you and create a good atmosphere

8 14 You define a child everyday –A family must show its unconditional acceptance to a child each and every day –Some parents feel guilty about missing a child’s event, and respond by buying them a toy 15 Listen without judgment –They need to feel heard and to be understood. The way you react is important. 16 Closeness cannot be measured on a map –Stay in touch; communicate; phone calls are valuable 17 Live your views –Live according to your beliefs and the child will pick it up –Feelings of closeness and high levels of time spent together can be influential. 18 Parents are foundations, not walls –Commitment to education –Never say “we can’t” –Family life is a team effort 20 Adjustments never end –As a child grows, we need to grow with him/her –Enjoy them as infants, teenagers, grownups

9 21 Express your love (very Principled) 22 The bright side shines through –When going through tough times, consider positive possible outcomes 23 Forgiveness depends on more than the apology –From a foundation of trust and love, children accept and forgive mistakes we make. –Much of the basis for forgiving negative parental behavior is rooted in the pre-existing strength of the relationship rather than in the immediate aftermath of the behavior, such as the apology. 24 Fatigue is a family enemy –Try and keep your energy up 25 Jealousy is automatic (a very part of fallen nature) –A sense of competition for attention in a family begins very young –Aptitude is important [so is attitude] 26 Encourage persistence, not desperation 27 It is better to be fair than right –When there is conflict, the perception that you are generally fair is more important than the perception that you are generally correct in maintaining the respect of family members. 28 Large or small, every family has challenges 29 Think of your family when you don’t have to (visit them) 30 Don’t let negativity build

10 32 There is no price tag on family life (very Principled) [budget is helpful] 33 Calm questions get answers 34 Family life teaches us about relationships (very Principled) 35 What you see isn’t always there [I thought she was doing just fine!] 36 Don’t enter a generational competition –“That is not the way I do it” “When I was your age” “We did things better then” 37 Expectations must fit the person (the perfect child? Be open to him/her) 38 Don’t obsess over birth order (quality of relationship and satisfaction count most) –Especially if you have twins this can be an issue –Spend quality time with each child 39 Show up on time –Always do what you say you are going to do. No exceptions, no excuses. Your word is everything to a child [this is one reason why parenting is a full time job requiring lots of energy] –The root of trust in a child’s life is being able to believe (and trust) his/her parents –You say yes, mean yes. You say no, mean no. You say you are going to be somewhere at some time, be there. End of story. Children need that foundation. It teaches them to be responsible, but more important, it demonstrates to them how much they matter to you. –The world is out of control. This rule is simple and in your control. Keep your word.

11 40 Communication brings us closer (very Principled) –Don’t be afraid to be honest with your family 41 Every person is in a different relationship (different bonds with different kids) 42 Satisfaction depends on where you look (it is right under your nose!) –Take a look at the blessings which you do have, right now 43 Its not a popularity contest –When you know to say no, say no, and don’t compromise –If you give in and say yes, the child may be happy, but ……..? –Remember the curfew principle (30 minutes every so often) 44 Cherish traditions (consistent family rituals; very Principled) –Meals, holiday celebrations, dates, family night, etc. 45 Work on your own terms –Be sure that you are happy with what you are doing; if not, maybe time to change 46 Encourage, but don’t require, activities (let kids be free to expand) 47 Care giving is personal –It is not just a job; it depends on the relationship: is there love or not? 48 You can’t be the family gatekeeper (let them live their lives, etc.) 49 It doesn’t matter who earns the money 50 All talk is not equal (there needs to be good communication in a family) –He came home with green hair!

12 51 What you send out comes back to you (parents need to give) 52 The next generation will define family for itself. –This may not be so applicable to FFWPU 53 Share your struggles 54 Beware of clothing disasters (it is important to kids) 55 Competition breeds loss –Learn to cooperate and work together 56 Do one thing at a time (don’t worry over things too excessively) 57 You will see the same things differently 58 Strictness can last a lifetime (laws without love can be a problem) –Just how restrictive is your family life? –Does punishment follow on punishment? –Sound of Music [a strict father, but Maria is more heartistic]

13 59 The in-laws are not the enemy –They can sometimes help; the Korean “mother-in-law”! 60 Share the housework 61 Write down your thoughts –(keeping a personal journal is a spiritual exercise) (an excellent thing to do) 62 Pets are family too –True Family Values: members of the family –Never judgmental –Teach responsibility, etc. 63 Take comfort from routines (consistent routines are dependable: security) –This is like ritual and habit; it keeps you grounded and far more organized 64 Tempers must be controlled –Anger should never be an option

14 65 Illness can have multiple victims –It can be a large burden on the whole family 66 Not every piece will fit –The triple object purpose (12 different relationships in a family) –Not every relationship will have, at times, the same warmth, etc. 67 Use food positively (important aspect of dominion) –Develop good eating habits 68 Self-doubt magnifies family problems –A trip to Europe should not become a forum for complaint –“Well, things happened here too! –Don’t turn the speakers details back to yourself –Don’t engage in silly competition 69 Children need more than parents (a trusted adult is helpful)

15 70 Rigidity isolates (be flexible) –There are rules, but we need to be flexible at times 71 The more you give, the more will believe in yourself –Extracurricular activities; helping other people, etc. 73 Too much protection is a threat (kids need some room) –Don’t be overly protective 74 Experience helps but should not dictate (re: grandparents; advice not laws) 75 Low expectations are not a family solution (life without promissory notes) –Always have high expectations about your family life 76 Emotions last longer than events 77 Even the dependent need some independence –Especially for older people or senior citizens 78 Another view is a strength, not a weakness –Different ways of seeing things 79 Distress is contagious (don’t make your problems your family’s problems)

16 80 Family affects all aspects of our lives (very Principled) 81 Generations to come make us feel young again (keep close to a child) 82 Everybody must contribute to the work of family life 83 Be real (we need to be able to express ourselves openly to someone) –Don’t let fears hold you back; make an environment to express honest feelings 84 The young and old want the same thing –We are not all that different in the end 85 It will be a family of the world (families need interaction with broader society) 86 The most important inheritance is love (very Principled) 87 Disagree with each other, not against each other 88 Don’t do everything together –Outside interests can make a big difference in family life (and add richness) 89 Beware of television extremes –These days, beware of television generally

17 90 See the big picture –Satisfaction with life helps us through specific events or challenges 91 Give yourself—nothing else really matters –Job, intelligence, money? Just yourself 100% 92 It’s somewhere between easy and impossible –Raising children, that is 93 Everything is relative (try and see things in perspective) 94 Make what’s real into what’s ideal –Try not to have unrealistic expectations; things take time 95 It’s always a choice –Family is a daily and an active choice 96 Everyone is equal but different 97 Continue –Even when it seems bad just keep going (Hyung Jin Nim: if in hell, just keep going) 98 We seek warmth –Warmth and sincerity go a long way (past the external) 99 Can you do it? Ask yourself –We need to feel personally capable 100 You make your family

18 Just as before, with husband and wife, we can say that secular studies do not offer sufficient guidance for the relationship between parents and children. There are good ideas, but very often it is short of the kind of life we are called to live possessing a 천일국 spirituality. The parental heart wants to give everything. In true love, many of the challenges mentioned in this study could be overcome. Consider these quotes from True Father ( 천성경 ): “The parental heart seeks to protect children from harm and is concerned about them day and night. The heart of fallen parents can even be like this.” (490) “When considering the love in the parent-child relationship, there is a clear bond of life. Thus, as long as a bond of life remains, and as long as there is hope within that bond, love will surely remain…the degree to which you invest your life will determine the value you feel.” (493) “Parents are happy when their children outshine them.” (492) “Parents want to sacrifice everything for the sake of their children.” (495)

19 “Is there a limit to parents’ love for their children? Parents love their children not only during the childhood years, but throughout the child’s entire life, and even into eternity.” (496) “The love of a mother or father is one of the greatest forms of love in the human world…Parental love toward one’s children is unconditional and unlimited because it is the mother of all kinds of love.” (496)

20 What is the spirituality of 천일국 when it comes to the relationship between parents and children? There is no single answer: it is unlimited in scope and dimension, because the parental heart is unlimited in scope and dimension. Every parent will know something of it; this is true even for fallen parents. There are no hard and fast rules: the family is the textbook. All must be based on the warmth of a loving sincerity, in the context of fulfilling the purpose of creation (triple object purpose of the family four position foundation) True Family as the model/example Pros Cons

21 True Father’s words on the raising/education of children and parent/child relationship See Sun Myung Moon’s Philosophy of Education 1 The Family is the Best Place to Learn True Love 2 What are children? “They are the ones who teach you how much God loves mankind and let you have that experience. Through them you come to feel God’s tremendous joy when Adam and Eve were born in the Garden of Eden. Loving them is experiencing the immense joy of God.” 3 The importance of the family and children’s education “As parents, when you educate your own children, you should not teach them to love you only. You must tell them, “I’m a loyal citizen and patriot who deeply loves this nation. I wish to be a parent to patriots and loyal citizens.”

22 4 The responsibility and attitude of a blessed couple “You must become an integral part of the neighborhood in which you live. How much you live for its sake matters deeply to your children’s education….Your manner of conducting yourself at home and in relating to your neighbors is of great importance in educating your children.” 5 Important matters in the education of blessed children “When educating your children, think of how to educate them to become the people who will do their best for God’s Will.” “Blessed families should make rules in the home with the standard of educating their children. Act in a way so as not to be judged by your children.” 6 Parents are to set the example “Exemplify conjugal love. Children will say among themselves, “Dad and Mom are so happy together. I want to get married soon and live like them too. They will see it with their own eyes and catch on.”

23 7 Never quarrel in front of your children “Your children should be able to testify that they’ve never seen their parents bickering (fighting).” “Husbands…basing all your dealings with your wife on the bedrock of God’s love, you must renounce the use of all satanic elements and mediums of marital communication that contradict the laws of heaven and earth. Please understand this.” 8 Not everyone can educate the young “Why are teenagers so problematic today? This is because they left the bosom of their parents’ love.” “The family is most crucial. No power on earth, whether national, economic, cultural, educational or religious, can counter the scourge of family breakdown and juvenile promiscuity. That prerogative belongs to True Parents.”

24 End

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