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Educational Approaches to Self-Control: Jewish and Psychological Approaches Towards Managing Sexuality.

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1 Educational Approaches to Self-Control: Jewish and Psychological Approaches Towards Managing Sexuality

2 Benefits of Self-Control

3 Mischel, Journal of Personality & Social Psych. 1988, A Worthy Goal: Importance of Self- control for Success in Life Preschool children offered choice between an immediate small reward and a larger delayed reward Preschool children offered choice between an immediate small reward and a larger delayed reward Those able to wait Those able to wait became adolescents and young adults whose parents rated them as more academically and socially competent, verbally fluent, rational, attentive, planful, and able to deal well with stress

4 High Self-Control Linked to: Better overall personal adjustment, less psychopathology Better overall personal adjustment, less psychopathology Ability to get along with others better Ability to get along with others better Better family cohesion Better family cohesion More trustworthy and consistent leadership More trustworthy and consistent leadership

5 Benefits of Control קהלת פרק ג פסוק ה קהלת פרק ג פסוק ה עת להשליך אבנים ועת כנוס אבנים עת לחבוק ועת לרחק מחבק : עת להשליך אבנים ועת כנוס אבנים עת לחבוק ועת לרחק מחבק : Every month can be difficult to “ לרחק מחבק “ so man must learn even before he gets married how to create non physical intimacy Every month can be difficult to “ לרחק מחבק “ so man must learn even before he gets married how to create non physical intimacy

6 Rav Tzvi Yehudah Hacohen Kook: Rav Tzvi Yehudah Hacohen Kook: אהבה אחוה שלום וריעות אהבה אחוה שלום וריעות There is a time with a focus on the physical and a time to focus on the companionship aspect of the relationship There is a time with a focus on the physical and a time to focus on the companionship aspect of the relationship

7 Impediments to Self- Control

8 Secrecy Breeds Shame and Powerlessness Secrecy breed shame, shame breeds powerlessness Secrecy breed shame, shame breeds powerlessness Guilt that is characterized by pathological levels of self-blame is likely to paralyze- guilt that focuses on behavioral self blame is likely to energize Guilt that is characterized by pathological levels of self-blame is likely to paralyze- guilt that focuses on behavioral self blame is likely to energize

9 Perspective: Nothing Tougher רמב " ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה יח רמב " ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה יח אין לך דבר בכל התורה כולה שהוא קשה לרוב העם לפרוש אלא מן העריות והביאות האסורות, אמרו חכמים בשעה שנצטוו ישראל על העריות בכו וקבלו מצוה זו בתרעומות ובכיה שנאמר בוכה למשפחותיו על עסקי משפחות. אין לך דבר בכל התורה כולה שהוא קשה לרוב העם לפרוש אלא מן העריות והביאות האסורות, אמרו חכמים בשעה שנצטוו ישראל על העריות בכו וקבלו מצוה זו בתרעומות ובכיה שנאמר בוכה למשפחותיו על עסקי משפחות.

10 Need to be Doubly Cautious When Overcoming Human Nature שולחן ערוך אבן העזר סימן כא סעיף א שולחן ערוך אבן העזר סימן כא סעיף א צריך אדם להתרחק מהנשים מאד מאד צריך אדם להתרחק מהנשים מאד מאד Even Haezer 21:1 uses the term “ מאד מאד ”- in cautioning us to the need to distance ourselves greatly from inappropriate intermingling with the opposite sex Even Haezer 21:1 uses the term “ מאד מאד ”- in cautioning us to the need to distance ourselves greatly from inappropriate intermingling with the opposite sex This double language seems to be reserved for situations where it is human nature to be drawn towards such activities- e.g. arrogance and lust for money (same lashon used for humility and bribery) This double language seems to be reserved for situations where it is human nature to be drawn towards such activities- e.g. arrogance and lust for money (same lashon used for humility and bribery)

11 Rabbi Ari Kahn, Aish תלמוד בבלי מסכת יומא דף כט עמוד א הרהורי עבירה קשו מעבירה Fantasy is more injurious than the sin itself Rashi understands this teaching to mean that thoughts of sin are more difficult to control than actually committing the sin itself. הרהורי עבירה - תאות נשים, קשים להכחיש את בשרו יותר מגופו של מעשה. It is more difficult to control something which is not considered to be a problem in the first place. One conclusion of Rashi's analysis might well be that the reward for controlling one's thoughts would be greater than the reward for avoiding an "actual" sin, following the principle taught in the Ethics of the Fathers: In accordance with the difficulty is the reward. (Mishna Avos 5:26)

12 Rabbi Ari Kahn, Aish Rambam on Rambam on הרהורי עבירה SANCTITY OF THE MIND SANCTITY OF THE MIND Maimonides, in the Guide for the Perplexed, has a radically different understanding: Maimonides, in the Guide for the Perplexed, has a radically different understanding: You already know the teaching "Thoughts of sin are kashe, more difficult, than sin." (Yoma 29a) I have a wonderful explanation: If a person sins, it is generally due to circumstances which result from his being a physical creature -- that is, a person will sin due to the animal side of himself. But thoughts are the treasure of a person which follow his "form" (his image of God) and if a person sins with his thoughts, then he has sinned with his greatest asset... [because] the purpose of the mind is to cling to God, not to slip below [to the animal level]. (Guide for the Perplexed 3:8) You already know the teaching "Thoughts of sin are kashe, more difficult, than sin." (Yoma 29a) I have a wonderful explanation: If a person sins, it is generally due to circumstances which result from his being a physical creature -- that is, a person will sin due to the animal side of himself. But thoughts are the treasure of a person which follow his "form" (his image of God) and if a person sins with his thoughts, then he has sinned with his greatest asset... [because] the purpose of the mind is to cling to God, not to slip below [to the animal level]. (Guide for the Perplexed 3:8)

13 On the Importance of Controlling “ On the Importance of Controlling “הרהורי עבירה " Therefore, if a person sins with his body, it is understandable because the body is physical, and therefore has all sorts of physical urges and animal instincts. The mind, on the other hand, is the manifestation of the image of God. To sin with one's mind is therefore a greater desecration than sinning with one's body. Therefore, if a person sins with his body, it is understandable because the body is physical, and therefore has all sorts of physical urges and animal instincts. The mind, on the other hand, is the manifestation of the image of God. To sin with one's mind is therefore a greater desecration than sinning with one's body. Rabbi Ari Kahn Rabbi Ari Kahn

14 Recommendations: Effective Ways of Thinking About Self-Control Mind-set: Goals, Monitoring, Attitude

15 Struggle as an Engine of Growth

16 Struggle as an Engine of Growth: Vilna Gaon משלי פרק ד פסוק יג החזק במוסר אל תרף נצרה כי היא חייך : : Take hold of instruction; let her not go; keep her; for she is your life. Take hold of instruction; let her not go; keep her; for she is your life. כי מה שהאדם חי הוא כדי לשבור מה שלא שבר עד הנה אותו המדה כי מה שהאדם חי הוא כדי לשבור מה שלא שבר עד הנה אותו המדה לכן צריך תמיד להתחזק ואם לא יתחזק למה לו חיים לכן צריך תמיד להתחזק ואם לא יתחזק למה לו חיים

17 How Goals are Framed Matter Better performances are observed when people Set themselves challenging, specific goals as compared With challenging but vague goals Goal-proximity effect (proximal goals lead to better performances than distal goals Goal attainment is also more likely when people frame their good intentions as learning goals (to learn how to perform a given task) rather than performance Goals (to find out through task performance how capable one is Focus on the presence or absence of positive outcomes rather than focusing on the presence or absence of negative outcomes

18 Power of Specific Goal Setting Implementation intentions: Implementation intentions: Whenever situation x arises, I will initiate the goal-directed response y!” Whenever situation x arises, I will initiate the goal-directed response y!” Being induced to think about when and where to write an essay as opposed to simply being asked to write an essay dramatically increased compliance (from 33% to 75%) Being induced to think about when and where to write an essay as opposed to simply being asked to write an essay dramatically increased compliance (from 33% to 75%) Gollwitzer Implementation Intentions Strong Effects of Simple Plans American Psychologist 1999 Vol. 54, No. 7, Gollwitzer Implementation Intentions Strong Effects of Simple Plans American Psychologist 1999 Vol. 54, No. 7,

19 Monitoring It is exceedingly difficult to control behavior that is not carefully monitored It is exceedingly difficult to control behavior that is not carefully monitored Breakdowns in self regulation are often associated with ceasing to monitor one’s own behavior Breakdowns in self regulation are often associated with ceasing to monitor one’s own behavior This can be done with regular “cheshbon hanefesh” activities or asking others to actively remind you of your goals This can be done with regular “cheshbon hanefesh” activities or asking others to actively remind you of your goals

20 Threat vs. Challenge When a task is viewed as one that can be a threat to one’s self image or very essence the result is often not productive. In contrast, viewing a task as one to be taken on, deemphasizing objective evaluation and encouraging people to do their best can result in challenge-related appraisals and physiology. Thus perceiving an issue as a challenge rather than a threat results in: Greater persistence More productive thoughts and problem-solving strategies More efficient physiological responses Tomaka, J. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1997, Vol. 73,63-72, Cognitive and Physiological Antecedents of Threat and Challenge Appraisal

21 Rechanneling: Going from Passive to Active Standard teshuva must give way to change in character some methods for doing this suggested by the shulchan aruch are: Standard teshuva must give way to change in character some methods for doing this suggested by the shulchan aruch are: Learning Torah Learning Torah Acts of chesed Acts of chesed

22 רמב " ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה כא רמב " ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה כא וכן ינהוג להתרחק מן השחוק ומן השכרות ומדברי עגבים שאלו גורמין גדולים והם מעלות של עריות, ולא ישב בלא אשה שמנהג זה גורם לטהרה יתירה, גדולה מכל זאת אמרו יפנה עצמו ומחשבתו לדברי תורה וירחיב דעתו בחכמה שאין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב פנוי מן החכמה, ובחכמה הוא אומר אילת אהבים ויעלת חן דדיה ירווך בכל עת באהבתה תשגה תמיד וכן ינהוג להתרחק מן השחוק ומן השכרות ומדברי עגבים שאלו גורמין גדולים והם מעלות של עריות, ולא ישב בלא אשה שמנהג זה גורם לטהרה יתירה, גדולה מכל זאת אמרו יפנה עצמו ומחשבתו לדברי תורה וירחיב דעתו בחכמה שאין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב פנוי מן החכמה, ובחכמה הוא אומר אילת אהבים ויעלת חן דדיה ירווך בכל עת באהבתה תשגה תמיד

23 Regarding Change: The Beginning is Toughest תלמוד בבלי מסכת סוכה דף נב עמוד ב תלמוד בבלי מסכת סוכה דף נב עמוד ב אמר רבי יוחנן : אבר קטן יש לו לאדם, מרעיבו - שבע, משביעו - רעב אמר רבי יוחנן : אבר קטן יש לו לאדם, מרעיבו - שבע, משביעו - רעב Regarding controlling sexual appetites: if he feeds it he will remain hungry, but if he starves it, it will be satisfied Regarding controlling sexual appetites: if he feeds it he will remain hungry, but if he starves it, it will be satisfied Each time you restrain yourself, the tendency to act will be lessened Each time you restrain yourself, the tendency to act will be lessened

24 Controlling Thoughts

25 Self-Control Resembles a Muscle: It Gets Tired Self-control may consume a limited resource. Exerting self-control may consume self-control strength, reducing the amount of strength available for subsequent self-control efforts. Coping with stress, regulating negative affect, and resisting temptations require self-control, and after such self-control efforts, subsequent attempts at self-control are more likely to fail. Continuous self-control efforts, such as vigilance, also degrade over time. The executive component of the self—in particular, inhibition—relies on a limited, consumable resource. Muraven & Baumeister, Self-Regulation and Depletion of Limited Resources Does Self-Control Resemble a Muscle? Psychological Bulletin.2000 Vol. 126, No. 2, Muraven & Baumeister, Self-Regulation and Depletion of Limited Resources Does Self-Control Resemble a Muscle? Psychological Bulletin.2000 Vol. 126, No. 2,

26 Practice Builds Up The Muscle Like a muscle, In the short run, exertion makes self- control tired and diminishes its power; in the long run, exercise makes self-control stronger and increases its power. Like a muscle, In the short run, exertion makes self- control tired and diminishes its power; in the long run, exercise makes self-control stronger and increases its power. The inner resources required for thought-suppression was less readily depleted after 2-weeks of exercising self-control strategies. The inner resources required for thought-suppression was less readily depleted after 2-weeks of exercising self-control strategies. It is good to exert self-control on a regular basis because in the long run, these exercises will strengthen self- control and make a person less susceptible to the depleting effects of a single exertion. It is good to exert self-control on a regular basis because in the long run, these exercises will strengthen self- control and make a person less susceptible to the depleting effects of a single exertion. Muraven, Baumeister & Tice (1999) Longitudinal Improvement of Self-Regulation Through Practice: Building Self-Control Strength Through Repeated Exercise., Journal of Social Psychology, Vol. 139, Issue 4 Muraven, Baumeister & Tice (1999) Longitudinal Improvement of Self-Regulation Through Practice: Building Self-Control Strength Through Repeated Exercise., Journal of Social Psychology, Vol. 139, Issue 4

27 Question: In order to avoid looking unnecessarily at an improper sight, concern and vigilance are needed. It seems that in order to maintain that concern and vigilance, one has to enter a mindset of 'be on guard', whenever walking outside, and certainly in the summer. However, can entering such a mindset backfire on the person, in that when an immodest image inevitably does appear, the impact on him will be stronger--for the worse--given his concern for avoiding such images? And if so, how then can a person strengthen himself so as not to look at the inappropriate images in the street, which requires overcoming the natural tendencies that draw him to look at such things? In order to avoid looking unnecessarily at an improper sight, concern and vigilance are needed. It seems that in order to maintain that concern and vigilance, one has to enter a mindset of 'be on guard', whenever walking outside, and certainly in the summer. However, can entering such a mindset backfire on the person, in that when an immodest image inevitably does appear, the impact on him will be stronger--for the worse--given his concern for avoiding such images? And if so, how then can a person strengthen himself so as not to look at the inappropriate images in the street, which requires overcoming the natural tendencies that draw him to look at such things?

28 Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self- regulation Trying To Control Sexual Thoughts When a person tries to suppress an unwanted thought a psychological system is established that serves two purposes: When a person tries to suppress an unwanted thought a psychological system is established that serves two purposes: (1) Monitoring process: automatically searches the environment for indications of the unwanted thought (1) Monitoring process: automatically searches the environment for indications of the unwanted thought (2) Operating Process: uses controlled responses to override the responses that follow from detection of the unwanted thought (2) Operating Process: uses controlled responses to override the responses that follow from detection of the unwanted thought Dieter trying to suppress knowledge that there are tempting foods in the kitchen will watch television to distract himself- the monitoring system will scan the TV show for tempting foods while the operating system will actively override the temptation to go to the kitchen to eat Dieter trying to suppress knowledge that there are tempting foods in the kitchen will watch television to distract himself- the monitoring system will scan the TV show for tempting foods while the operating system will actively override the temptation to go to the kitchen to eat

29 Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self- regulation Role of Stress on Control of Thoughts When one is tired, fatigued, or burdened the monitoring system is automatically engaged but there may not be enough effort available to engage the operating function When one is tired, fatigued, or burdened the monitoring system is automatically engaged but there may not be enough effort available to engage the operating function As a result the stressed individual will have greater sensitivity to environmental cues of the undesired thought but will not have enough energy to control these thoughts As a result the stressed individual will have greater sensitivity to environmental cues of the undesired thought but will not have enough energy to control these thoughts

30 Role of Depression When a person does not feel positive about themselves they often need to excite themselves to trigger their endorphins to feel better When a person does not feel positive about themselves they often need to excite themselves to trigger their endorphins to feel better A common cycle is that when a person feels bad with what they do they try to escape from the behavior to make themselves feel good again they do the same behavior which made them upset in the first place. A common cycle is that when a person feels bad with what they do they try to escape from the behavior to make themselves feel good again they do the same behavior which made them upset in the first place. Depression can be a cause or a reaction to Masturbation Depression can be a cause or a reaction to Masturbation Gemora in Eruvin: after Adam’s sin he spent the next 100 years engaging in HZL Gemora in Eruvin: after Adam’s sin he spent the next 100 years engaging in HZL When a person cannot deal with what they have done they fall further into the problem When a person cannot deal with what they have done they fall further into the problem

31 Is the “Refuah” Worse than the “Machala”? The natural impulse to suppress exciting thoughts, may not serve us well. From the outset, thought suppression may be difficult because the thought may remain consciously accessible even as we try to suppress it, and we therefore become excited in the very act of suppression. Even if the thought is removed from our conscious attention, we may thus put ourselves in a position to be disturbed by the thought's recurrence. An exciting thought seems more stimulating after suppression (when we are idly thinking of other things and it suddenly intrudes on our minds) than when we are purposefully dwelling on it and know it is coming. There is thus the ironic prospect that the suppression of exciting thoughts can intensify the very excitement that we hope to avoid through suppression. Wegner, The Suppression of Exciting Thoughts, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1990, Vol. 58, No. 3,

32 Don’t Think of a Pink Elephant Suppression of thrilling sexual thoughts found to be physiologically more stressful than purposeful thinking about sex Suppression of exciting thoughts might be involved in the production of chronic emotional responses that heighten the intensity of the problem - such as obsessive preoccupations. Wegner, The Suppression of Exciting Thoughts, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1990, Vol. 58, No. 3,

33 26 Randomized Clinical Trials of Primary Prevention Strategies Aimed at Delaying Sexual Intercourse BMJ (2002) 324 (7351) Failed to delay initiation of sexual intercourse in young women Failed to delay initiation of sexual intercourse in young women Did not improve use of birth control Did not improve use of birth control Four abstinence programs and one school based sex education program were associated with an increase in the number of pregnancies among partners of male participants Four abstinence programs and one school based sex education program were associated with an increase in the number of pregnancies among partners of male participants

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35 בראשית פרק כא פסוק יא וירע הדבר מאד בעיני אברהם על אודת בנו: On the Importance of Not Completely Pushing Away Negative Influences Rav Hirsch says that “ בנו “ refers to Yitzchak, not Yishmael- Avraham was worried that without exposure to the real world negative influences of Yishmael – Yitzchak’s pure character would not be inoculated against such negativity Rav Hirsch says that “ בנו “ refers to Yitzchak, not Yishmael- Avraham was worried that without exposure to the real world negative influences of Yishmael – Yitzchak’s pure character would not be inoculated against such negativity

36 ינענע לו ראשו Yevamoth, 121a, relates an incident where Rabbi Akiva survived a shipwreck. When Rabbi Gamliel, who witnessed the event asked Rabbi Akiva how he survived, Rabbi Akiva answered: Yevamoth, 121a, relates an incident where Rabbi Akiva survived a shipwreck. When Rabbi Gamliel, who witnessed the event asked Rabbi Akiva how he survived, Rabbi Akiva answered: מסכת יבמות דף קכא עמוד א מסכת יבמות דף קכא עמוד א דף של ספינה נזדמן לי, וכל גל וגל שבא עלי נענעתי לו ראשי ; מכאן אמרו חכמים : אם יבואו רשעים על אדם, ינענע לו ראשו דף של ספינה נזדמן לי, וכל גל וגל שבא עלי נענעתי לו ראשי ; מכאן אמרו חכמים : אם יבואו רשעים על אדם, ינענע לו ראשו "The plank of a ship came my way, and I bent my head to every wave that approached". "The plank of a ship came my way, and I bent my head to every wave that approached". The lesson learned from this, says the gemorah, is that if a man is confronted with a force that threatens to engulf him, “let him bend his head” and not fight it. The lesson learned from this, says the gemorah, is that if a man is confronted with a force that threatens to engulf him, “let him bend his head” and not fight it.

37 Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991 Changing the Ways you Obsess: Riding the Wave Mentally step back and acknowledge that you have just started to obsess Mentally step back and acknowledge that you have just started to obsess Notice your emotional response to the obsession. Are you anxious? Scared? Ashamed? Notice your emotional response to the obsession. Are you anxious? Scared? Ashamed? Remind yourself that it is o.k. to have a momentary obsession Remind yourself that it is o.k. to have a momentary obsession Reassure yourself at this moment that the obsessive content is irrational. Don’t analyze Reassure yourself at this moment that the obsessive content is irrational. Don’t analyze Change your emotional response to the obsession by taking specific actions Change your emotional response to the obsession by taking specific actions Write it down; sing it, change the picture Write it down; sing it, change the picture

38 Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991 Letting go of Your Worries and Tensions Decide to stop the intrusive thoughts or images Decide to stop the intrusive thoughts or images Reinforce your decision with positive statements to yourself Reinforce your decision with positive statements to yourself Practice some brief anxiety reducing relaxation techniques Practice some brief anxiety reducing relaxation techniques Shift your attention toward a new activity Shift your attention toward a new activity

39 Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991 Supportive Statements to Help End Obsessions That thought isn’t helpful right now That thought isn’t helpful right now Now isn’t the time to think about it. I can think about it later Now isn’t the time to think about it. I can think about it later This is irrational, I’m going to let it go This is irrational, I’m going to let it go I won’t argue with an irrational thought I won’t argue with an irrational thought This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly about what I need This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly about what I need This feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’t This feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’t I don’t have to be perfect to be OK. I don’t have to be perfect to be OK. I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do is just drop it I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do is just drop it I already know from my past experiences that these fears are irrational I already know from my past experiences that these fears are irrational I have to take risks in order to be free, I’m willing to take this risk I have to take risks in order to be free, I’m willing to take this risk

40 Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self- regulation Antecedent Focused Strategies for Regulation of Emotions Situation selection:- selecting aspects of the environment- people or settings best suited for obtaining better self-control Situation selection:- selecting aspects of the environment- people or settings best suited for obtaining better self-control Situation modification: actions aimed at altering the environment to modify the likelihood of the problematic response Situation modification: actions aimed at altering the environment to modify the likelihood of the problematic response

41 Antecedent Strategies: Continued Attentional deployment: attention and effort are directed at aspects of the environment that help achieve the desired emotional state Attentional deployment: attention and effort are directed at aspects of the environment that help achieve the desired emotional state Cognitive change: reappraisal of meaning from setback to feedback if efforts at control have failed Cognitive change: reappraisal of meaning from setback to feedback if efforts at control have failed

42 Questions to Ask: 1. What exactly is the major PROBLEM BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing? 1. What exactly is the major PROBLEM BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing? Vulnerability -> Prompting event -> Links-> Problem Behaviour ->Consequences Vulnerability -> Prompting event -> Links-> Problem Behaviour ->Consequences Possible type of links: Actions, Body Sensations, Cognitions, Events, and Feelings Possible type of links: Actions, Body Sensations, Cognitions, Events, and Feelings 2. What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment started me on the chain to my problem behaviour?: Start Day/hour:___ 2. What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment started me on the chain to my problem behaviour?: Start Day/hour:___ 3. What things in my environment and myself made me VULNERABLE? Start Day/hour___ 3. What things in my environment and myself made me VULNERABLE? Start Day/hour___ 4. LINKS: List actual and specific behaviors and events 4. LINKS: List actual and specific behaviors and events 5. LINKS: List new and more skillful behaviors 5. LINKS: List new and more skillful behaviors

43 Dealing with Setbacks

44 Response Focused Strategies Actively changing an emotional response after the undesired behavior has occurred Actively changing an emotional response after the undesired behavior has occurred From setback to feedback From setback to feedback From threat to challenge From threat to challenge From “characterlogical” self-blame to behavioral self-blame From “characterlogical” self-blame to behavioral self-blame

45 Mistakes as Learning Experience What does this failure teach about future coping plan? What does this failure teach about future coping plan? Neurosurgeon study Neurosurgeon study

46 Harm Reduction: Overcoming Tendency to Give Up Violating a zero tolerance rule can lead to greater disinhibition Violating a zero tolerance rule can lead to greater disinhibition קהלת פרק ז פסוק יז קהלת פרק ז פסוק יז אל תרשע הרבה ואל תהי סכל למה תמות בלא עתך : אל תרשע הרבה ואל תהי סכל למה תמות בלא עתך : תלמוד בבלי מסכת שבת דף לא עמוד ב תלמוד בבלי מסכת שבת דף לא עמוד ב דרש רב עולא : מאי דכתיב אל תרשע הרבה וגו ', הרבה הוא דלא לירשע, הא מעט לירשע ? אלא : מי שאכל שום וריחו נודף, יחזור ויאכל שום אחר ויהא ריחו נודף ? דרש רב עולא : מאי דכתיב אל תרשע הרבה וגו ', הרבה הוא דלא לירשע, הא מעט לירשע ? אלא : מי שאכל שום וריחו נודף, יחזור ויאכל שום אחר ויהא ריחו נודף ? Does this mean that it is permitted to be a little evil? No, it is like someone who eats garlic and gives off an offensive smell. Should he eat more garlic and give off even more of a smell? Does this mean that it is permitted to be a little evil? No, it is like someone who eats garlic and gives off an offensive smell. Should he eat more garlic and give off even more of a smell?

47 Dr. Yitz Schechter Sefer Chasidim Sefer Chasidim- if is a person is at risk of doing a worse aveira like sleeping with a nida then it is preferable to do a smaller sin like HZL Sefer Chasidim- if is a person is at risk of doing a worse aveira like sleeping with a nida then it is preferable to do a smaller sin like HZL

48 6. What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in the environment: 6. What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in the environment: 7. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________ 7. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________ What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in myself: What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in myself: 9. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________ 9. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________ 10. Ways to reduce my VULNERABILITY in the future: 10. Ways to reduce my VULNERABILITY in the future: 11. Ways to prevent PROMPTING EVENT from happening again: 11. Ways to prevent PROMPTING EVENT from happening again: 12. What HARM did my PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR CAUSE: 12. What HARM did my PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR CAUSE: 13. Plans to REPAIR, CORRECT, AND OVER- CORRECT the harm: 13. Plans to REPAIR, CORRECT, AND OVER- CORRECT the harm: 14. MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS (THAT I WANT TO SHARE 14. MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS (THAT I WANT TO SHARE

49 Chain Analysis In the course of a typical behavioural analysis a particular instance of behaviour is first clearly defined in specific terms and then a 'chain analysis' is conducted, looking in detail at the sequence of events and attempting to link these events one to another. In the course of a typical behavioural analysis a particular instance of behaviour is first clearly defined in specific terms and then a 'chain analysis' is conducted, looking in detail at the sequence of events and attempting to link these events one to another. In the course of this process hypotheses are generated about the factors that may be controlling the behaviour. In the course of this process hypotheses are generated about the factors that may be controlling the behaviour. This is followed by, or interwoven with, a 'solution analysis' in which alternative ways of dealing with the situation at each stage are considered and evaluated. This is followed by, or interwoven with, a 'solution analysis' in which alternative ways of dealing with the situation at each stage are considered and evaluated. Finally one solution should be chosen for future implementation. Difficulties that may be experienced in carrying out this solution are considered and strategies of dealing with these can be worked out. Finally one solution should be chosen for future implementation. Difficulties that may be experienced in carrying out this solution are considered and strategies of dealing with these can be worked out.

50 It is frequently the case that individuals will attempt to avoid this behavioural analysis since they may experience the process of looking in such detail at their behaviour as aversive. It is frequently the case that individuals will attempt to avoid this behavioural analysis since they may experience the process of looking in such detail at their behaviour as aversive. However it is essential that not to be side tracked until the process is completed. In addition to achieving an understanding of the factors controlling behaviour, behavioural analysis can be seen as part of contingency management strategy, applying a somewhat aversive consequence to an episode of targeted maladaptive behaviour. However it is essential that not to be side tracked until the process is completed. In addition to achieving an understanding of the factors controlling behaviour, behavioural analysis can be seen as part of contingency management strategy, applying a somewhat aversive consequence to an episode of targeted maladaptive behaviour.

51 CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR (DBT) 1. VULNERABILTY FACTORS): 1. VULNERABILTY FACTORS): What environmental events or "states of mind", affective/mood states or biological factors) make the person more vulnerable to engaging in problematic sexual behavior? What environmental events or "states of mind", affective/mood states or biological factors) make the person more vulnerable to engaging in problematic sexual behavior? INTERVENTIONS: Contingency management, self-management skills INTERVENTIONS: Contingency management, self-management skills LEADS TO: LEADS TO: 2. THE PRECIPITATING EVENT: Environmental Precipitants, Triggers, Cues, Antecedents: Environmental events that precipitate the chain that leads to the problematic sexual behavior 2. THE PRECIPITATING EVENT: Environmental Precipitants, Triggers, Cues, Antecedents: Environmental events that precipitate the chain that leads to the problematic sexual behavior Being alone- too much time on hands, feelings of boredom, sadness Being alone- too much time on hands, feelings of boredom, sadness

52 3. THOUGHTS /ACTIONS, FEELINGS BEFORE, FEELINGS AFTER, CONSEQUENCES Self Invalidation ---- "I can't stand this!" Self Invalidation ---- "I can't stand this!" INTERVENTIONS: Increase self-validation, distress tolerance skills, INTERVENTIONS: Increase self-validation, distress tolerance skills, LEADS TO: LEADS TO: Emotion Dysregulation: Shame/Panic, Sea of Dyscontrol/Active Passivity INTERVENTIONS: Active Problem solving, exposure and response prevention Emotion Dysregulation: Shame/Panic, Sea of Dyscontrol/Active Passivity INTERVENTIONS: Active Problem solving, exposure and response prevention A) DYSFUNCTIONAL LINKS (Each thought, emotion, action, and event that linked the vulnerability factors and precipitants to the targeted behavior. A link is dysfunctional if it moves the client away from their long-term goals. Dysfunctional links might include any of the following: A) DYSFUNCTIONAL LINKS (Each thought, emotion, action, and event that linked the vulnerability factors and precipitants to the targeted behavior. A link is dysfunctional if it moves the client away from their long-term goals. Dysfunctional links might include any of the following: Skills Deficits: Skill deficits in mindfulness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance related to problem behavior. Skills Deficits: Skill deficits in mindfulness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance related to problem behavior.

53 B) EFFECTIVE BEHAVIOR: Secondary Targets to increase: emotion modulation, self-validation, realistic judgment, emotional experiencing, active problem solving, accurate expression and non-mood dependency B) EFFECTIVE BEHAVIOR: Secondary Targets to increase: emotion modulation, self-validation, realistic judgment, emotional experiencing, active problem solving, accurate expression and non-mood dependency Variables Specific to this Person (in addition to above) Any specific emotions AND/OR cognitive patterns, AND/OR action sequences that precipitate/support the targeted problem behaviours or inhibit/punish effective behaviours that could replace problem behaviours. Variables Specific to this Person (in addition to above) Any specific emotions AND/OR cognitive patterns, AND/OR action sequences that precipitate/support the targeted problem behaviours or inhibit/punish effective behaviours that could replace problem behaviours.

54 Adolescent Sexual Activity: Challenge for Educators and Parents

55 Adolescent Sexual Activity: General Considerations Poor family relationships predict premature sexual activity Poor family relationships predict premature sexual activity Early sexual activity among teens is associated with early use of alcohol, and drugs and poorer social adjustment several years later Early sexual activity among teens is associated with early use of alcohol, and drugs and poorer social adjustment several years later Grades fall significantly the year after the first sexual experience Grades fall significantly the year after the first sexual experience

56 National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health JAMA 278:10, N=12,118 Predictive of onset of risky sexual behavior Predictive of onset of risky sexual behavior Perceived school connectedness Perceived school connectedness Study of top 20 vs lowest 20 schools Study of top 20 vs lowest 20 schools Parent-family connectedness Parent-family connectedness Parental expectations regarding school achievement Parental expectations regarding school achievement Parental disapproval of early sexual behavior Parental disapproval of early sexual behavior

57 Key Predictors: Opportunity and Parental Values Time alone with member of opposite sex Adolescent personal values- in part shaped by parental values Time alone with member of opposite sex Adolescent personal values- in part shaped by parental values Parental monitoring in context of good relationship Parental monitoring in context of good relationship

58 Dating As the amount of time invested in a particular relationship increases the expectation that sexual involvement will occur increases As the amount of time invested in a particular relationship increases the expectation that sexual involvement will occur increases

59 Sexual Content on Television Kaiser Family Foundation Report, February, 2001 Frog in beaker analogy Frog in beaker analogy 75% of prime time shows contain sexual content (up from 67% two years earlier) 75% of prime time shows contain sexual content (up from 67% two years earlier) 84% of sitcoms contain sexual content (up from 56% two years earlier 84% of sitcoms contain sexual content (up from 56% two years earlier 10% of shows depict or strongly imply sexual intercourse 10% of shows depict or strongly imply sexual intercourse 16% of such scenes involve couple who just met 16% of such scenes involve couple who just met 95% of sitcoms do not make even a passing reference to the risks and responsibilities of sexual activity 95% of sitcoms do not make even a passing reference to the risks and responsibilities of sexual activity

60 Protective Factors Parent-child relationship characterized by ability to turn to parents first for any problem Parent-child relationship characterized by ability to turn to parents first for any problem Belief that parents value abstinence Belief that parents value abstinence Time: parental availability Time: parental availability Peer group that supports abstinence Peer group that supports abstinence

61 Seeking Social Support: The Talk Embarrassments shouldn’t paralyze it should act as a clue, helping detect what you are afraid of Embarrassments shouldn’t paralyze it should act as a clue, helping detect what you are afraid of Ask teen for their opinions don’t only share yours Ask teen for their opinions don’t only share yours

62 Questions to ask about Sexual Readiness 1. Are you doing this for yourself? 2. Do you feel rushed by your partner, the situation, or yourself? 3. Do you trust your partner, can you talk freely with him/her? 4. Do you only engage in sexual activity when drunk or high? 5. Would you be comfortable saying no even at the last minute? 6. Have you thought about the impact on your life and whether it matches your values 7. Sexuality can provoke larger questions about the nature of existence, the meaning of life

63 Multiplicity of reasons behind Adolescent Sexual Activity To prove lovability To prove lovability Proof of adult status Proof of adult status Physical pleasure Physical pleasure Intimacy, expression of true love Intimacy, expression of true love Status in peer group Status in peer group Relief from boredom, stress reducer Relief from boredom, stress reducer

64 Public School vs Yeshiva I came from a public school… Once I got to yeshiva, it all changed. the guys were *** holes. until the comments. since our school has 100 kids, its impossible not to know everybody. pretty quickly i was getting lots of attention in regards to my body- even though we dress sniutly and all of that. i've had guys ask me to flash them, do jumping jacks, they grab my butt... comments upon comments of "wow, you look really-" pause, stare at the chest "-good today". when i was in public school, i NEVER had to deal with any of this. granted, i didn't look the same as i do now, but whenever i see my old guy friends i never get comments or anything, and when i told my best guy friend who is still in public school about this, he flipped out and went all "sexual harassment" on me. that is what this is, after all. I came from a public school… Once I got to yeshiva, it all changed. the guys were *** holes. until the comments. since our school has 100 kids, its impossible not to know everybody. pretty quickly i was getting lots of attention in regards to my body- even though we dress sniutly and all of that. i've had guys ask me to flash them, do jumping jacks, they grab my butt... comments upon comments of "wow, you look really-" pause, stare at the chest "-good today". when i was in public school, i NEVER had to deal with any of this. granted, i didn't look the same as i do now, but whenever i see my old guy friends i never get comments or anything, and when i told my best guy friend who is still in public school about this, he flipped out and went all "sexual harassment" on me. that is what this is, after all.

65 if you are a very attractive girl do something about it, or just let it go cuz unfortunately its bound to happen. this does sound like a bunch of unnecessary crap that you are getting, but you cannot compare how your friends treat you to how guys who think you are hot (attractive) treat you. it sux that they do this, but, sorry to say, if you are a very attractive girl do something about it, or just let it go cuz unfortunately its bound to happen. i recently dropped a ton of weight cuz of college tennis, and i got the same ….so dont think anything of it. it sux, but it is part of the culture. this does sound like a bunch of unnecessary crap that you are getting, but you cannot compare how your friends treat you to how guys who think you are hot (attractive) treat you. it sux that they do this, but, sorry to say, if you are a very attractive girl do something about it, or just let it go cuz unfortunately its bound to happen. i recently dropped a ton of weight cuz of college tennis, and i got the same ….so dont think anything of it. it sux, but it is part of the culture.

66 my parents yell at me alot and make me feel worthless, and he [my boyfriend]actually makes me feel loved and like im worthsomething to someone in the world. My point is, i love him and without him i would be sad all the time and like miserable my parents yell at me alot [especially my dad] and make me feel worthless, and he [my boyfriend]actually makes me feel loved and like im worthsomething to someone in the world. now based on that, do you think i was wrong to go behind my parents back and go out with him anyway, when they say no? he makes me happy when im sad makes me feel loved when i dont. makes me laugh when i frown. My point is, i love him and without him i would be sad all the time and like miserable my parents yell at me alot [especially my dad] and make me feel worthless, and he [my boyfriend]actually makes me feel loved and like im worthsomething to someone in the world. now based on that, do you think i was wrong to go behind my parents back and go out with him anyway, when they say no? he makes me happy when im sad makes me feel loved when i dont. makes me laugh when i frown.

67 my bf left me after we had sex! omg! i feel so dumb.. I dont get the whole 13 years old shouldnt be dating thing. I dated a guy at 14 and fell in love. So i get wat your saying... Prove your parents wrong, show them you're responsible enough to handle a relationship. Make them understand that you really do love him... ;) year later.. we see a post my bf left me after we had sex! omg! i feel so dumb.. I dont get the whole 13 years old shouldnt be dating thing. I dated a guy at 14 and fell in love. So i get wat your saying... Prove your parents wrong, show them you're responsible enough to handle a relationship. Make them understand that you really do love him... ;) year later.. we see a post my bf left me after we had sex! omg! i feel so dumb.. THAT SUCKS!! But i no the feeling.. when the boy i lost my virginity to left me, i felt like ****, i couldnt believe i bought into his **** about the future.. ger.. i get mad thinking about it.. Like y do all the guys i seem to get with just want to get in my pants (well with the exception of one..) no wat i mean!? THAT SUCKS!! But i no the feeling.. when the boy i lost my virginity to left me, i felt like ****, i couldnt believe i bought into his **** about the future.. ger.. i get mad thinking about it.. Like y do all the guys i seem to get with just want to get in my pants (well with the exception of one..) no wat i mean!?

68 Virginity? I know in the Christian religion, your supposed to stay a virgin until you are married, but are their any laws in the Jewish religion like that? Lately I've been thinking a lot about waiting until I'm married, but on second thought, when im just a little bit older, i might be in love, and i might want to lose it to my first real love, even if we're not married. So i don't know whether to wait until I’m married, or just until im ready, and in love. Is there something like this in the Torah? And what are you going to do? I know in the Christian religion, your supposed to stay a virgin until you are married, but are their any laws in the Jewish religion like that? Lately I've been thinking a lot about waiting until I'm married, but on second thought, when im just a little bit older, i might be in love, and i might want to lose it to my first real love, even if we're not married. So i don't know whether to wait until I’m married, or just until im ready, and in love. Is there something like this in the Torah? And what are you going to do?

69 I don't actually think there is anything in the torah about waiting until you're married to have sex (but don't qutoe me on that). In fact, sex is considered a mitzvah. On the flip side, I believe that contraceptives are prohibited because it says "Be fruitful and multiply" (this is why sex is a mitzvah). Personally, I feel that if the time is right, you should just do it (and please use contraceptives if you do). Sometimes you just shouldn't let religion get in the way of love. Just because it's prohibited to marry a gentile doesn't mean that you shouldn't do this if you love that person, and just because it may be prohibited to have pre-marital sex doesn't mean that you shouldn't if you really ARE in love. I don't actually think there is anything in the torah about waiting until you're married to have sex (but don't qutoe me on that). In fact, sex is considered a mitzvah. On the flip side, I believe that contraceptives are prohibited because it says "Be fruitful and multiply" (this is why sex is a mitzvah). Personally, I feel that if the time is right, you should just do it (and please use contraceptives if you do). Sometimes you just shouldn't let religion get in the way of love. Just because it's prohibited to marry a gentile doesn't mean that you shouldn't do this if you love that person, and just because it may be prohibited to have pre-marital sex doesn't mean that you shouldn't if you really ARE in love.

70 An Absent Curriculum Girls seem to be confused and pressured in sexual areas Girls seem to be confused and pressured in sexual areas A number of rabbis and educators in coed day schools have told me that girls complain that to the extent that the number one need of an adolescent is to “fit in”- they feel that they can’t really be accepted by the boys in their school if they aren’t sexually active A number of rabbis and educators in coed day schools have told me that girls complain that to the extent that the number one need of an adolescent is to “fit in”- they feel that they can’t really be accepted by the boys in their school if they aren’t sexually active

71 A kallah teacher of large numbers of graduates of coed day schools reports that the young women she counsels seem “jaded” about sex- as she told me “they aren’t particularly looking forward to the physical aspect of their relationship with their future husbands” A kallah teacher of large numbers of graduates of coed day schools reports that the young women she counsels seem “jaded” about sex- as she told me “they aren’t particularly looking forward to the physical aspect of their relationship with their future husbands”

72 Physical Self-concept: Anorexia and Bulimia Much More of a Problem in Our Community At least two of the leading treatment programs for anorectic or bulimic girls in the NY metropolitan area have had to provide a kosher kitchen as part of their clinical services because the proportion of their population that keeps kosher hovers at around the 50% mark At least two of the leading treatment programs for anorectic or bulimic girls in the NY metropolitan area have had to provide a kosher kitchen as part of their clinical services because the proportion of their population that keeps kosher hovers at around the 50% mark

73 Contextualizing from the Secular Literature A survey reported in JAMA found that a substantial percentage of young adults wish they had waited longer before becoming sexually active as adolescents A survey reported in JAMA found that a substantial percentage of young adults wish they had waited longer before becoming sexually active as adolescents

74 Adolescent Sexual Activity: General Considerations Poor family relationships predict premature sexual activity Poor family relationships predict premature sexual activity Early sexual activity among teens is associated with early use of alcohol, and drugs and poorer social adjustment several years later Early sexual activity among teens is associated with early use of alcohol, and drugs and poorer social adjustment several years later Grades fall significantly the year after the first sexual experience Grades fall significantly the year after the first sexual experience

75 Forces such as sexual Content on television (Kaiser Family Foundation Report, February, 2001) have become increasingly potent in recent years. The following statistics provide just a sampling of recent changes in external influences. Power of internet Power of internet 75% of prime time shows contain sexual content (up from 67% two years earlier) 75% of prime time shows contain sexual content (up from 67% two years earlier) 84% of sitcoms contain sexual content (up from 56% two years earlier 84% of sitcoms contain sexual content (up from 56% two years earlier 10% of shows depict or strongly imply sexual intercourse- this has been found to predict age of initiation of sexual activity in adolescents. 10% of shows depict or strongly imply sexual intercourse- this has been found to predict age of initiation of sexual activity in adolescents. 16% of such scenes involve couple who just met 16% of such scenes involve couple who just met 95% of sitcoms do not make even a passing reference to the risks and responsibilities of sexual activity 95% of sitcoms do not make even a passing reference to the risks and responsibilities of sexual activity A study done in 2004 documented that heavy television sitcom watchers are more likely to engage in sexual activity at earlier ages and are more likely to regret their early sexual experimentation once they reach young adulthood. A study done in 2004 documented that heavy television sitcom watchers are more likely to engage in sexual activity at earlier ages and are more likely to regret their early sexual experimentation once they reach young adulthood.

76 National Study of Youth And Religion N=3,370 Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers, Smith & Denton, Oxford, 2005

77 Across denominations, are Jews more or less likely to convey clear messages about sexuality? Across denominations, are Jews more or less likely to convey clear messages about sexuality?

78 Job Congregation has Done Helping Better Understand Own Sexuality and Sexual Morality

79 As Bettelheim (1984)commented, "what cannot be talked about can also not be put to rest” Lighting up Broca’s Area

80 Discussing Sexuality Parents tend to consistently underestimate their children’s concerns about sex as well as their child’s desire to talk to them about these concerns Parents tend to consistently underestimate their children’s concerns about sex as well as their child’s desire to talk to them about these concerns Make your values clear and explicit Make your values clear and explicit Empathize but be clear about Do’s and Don’t’s “while it can be hard to say no, I want you to say no. The longer you wait to have sex the better off you will be Empathize but be clear about Do’s and Don’t’s “while it can be hard to say no, I want you to say no. The longer you wait to have sex the better off you will be I will always want you to talk to me if you are tempted to have sex. I will not punish you for those feelings, but I will help you resist them because it is safer for you to resist them I will always want you to talk to me if you are tempted to have sex. I will not punish you for those feelings, but I will help you resist them because it is safer for you to resist them

81 The “Talk” Is not an event but a process and a mode of interaction with adolescent Is not an event but a process and a mode of interaction with adolescent If adolescent is restless and inattentive take this as a sign that they are not taking in your message- schedule another time If adolescent is restless and inattentive take this as a sign that they are not taking in your message- schedule another time Adolescents understand less then you think- main source of their information is often equally ill informed peers Adolescents understand less then you think- main source of their information is often equally ill informed peers If uncomfortable discussing sex, say that up front: “my teachers didn’t talk to me about sex so I’m a bit uncomfortable ; bear with me, I’d still rather discuss this than say nothing” If uncomfortable discussing sex, say that up front: “my teachers didn’t talk to me about sex so I’m a bit uncomfortable ; bear with me, I’d still rather discuss this than say nothing”

82 The talk (continued) Embarrassments shouldn’t paralyze it should act as a clue, helping detect what you are afraid of Embarrassments shouldn’t paralyze it should act as a clue, helping detect what you are afraid of Ask teen for their opinions don’t only share yours Ask teen for their opinions don’t only share yours

83 General Considerations: Continued Normalize Normalize Sex out of commitment versus fun; pull of culture vs individuality and meaning Sex out of commitment versus fun; pull of culture vs individuality and meaning Early relationships and risks for premature foreclosure: power of early sex to distract you from who you really are Early relationships and risks for premature foreclosure: power of early sex to distract you from who you really are


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