Presentation on theme: "ANGER PHYSIOLOGY 1. Sensory data to thalamus 5. Amygdala blocks ‘slow’ thinking 4. Amygdala does quick threat assessment 3. Data also to cortex 2. Data."— Presentation transcript:
ANGER PHYSIOLOGY 1. Sensory data to thalamus 5. Amygdala blocks ‘slow’ thinking 4. Amygdala does quick threat assessment 3. Data also to cortex 2. Data to Amygdala 6. ‘Unthinking’ response
The Amygdala Radar – constantly firing Scanning for threats Can’t stop it from firing Responsible for ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ Triggers appropriate survival behaviour Responds in.85 milliseconds Fires 100x faster than ability to think Effects on the Body Monitors threats ---- releases adrenalin Pupils dilate (gathering info) laser focus Releases cortisol – creates stressful state - fight, flight, freeze Sweaty palms, facial redness, veins stick out
The Amygdala Effects on the Thinking Mind Can’t distinguish between perception and reality Overpowers/hijacks rational thinking Lose logic Lose perspective YOUTHEM 6 Marbles 5 Marbles 720 options 120 options Common Ground
The Amygdala How to Get Back Rational Self 1.Take deep breaths - 1 st shallow & hold - 2 nd mid & hold - 3 rd deep & hold 2. Count backwards from 97 by 3 3. Tap into Gratitude - anchor yourself with something for which you are grateful - appreciation for others despite circumstances - pushes out cortisol & washes with feel good hormones
universal emotion – we all have an amygdala! few people want to admit they have a problem with anger most of us readily see anger mismanagement on the part of others……. …..but seldom see it in ourselves !!!!!
Anger is neither a positive nor a negative emotion. It is the way we handle our anger that makes it negative or positive.
Prov.14:17 – ‘He that is soon angry will deal foolishly’ Prov. 14:29 – He that is slow to anger is of great understanding, but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly’ Prov.15:18 – ‘A wrathful man stirreth up contention: he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.’ Prov.16:32 – ‘He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty’ Prov.22:24 – ‘Make no friendship with a man given to anger; with a wrathful man thou shalt not go.’ Ecc.7:9 – ‘Be not hasty to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools’ Ja.1:19 – ‘Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.’
Deal foolishly Exalteth folly Stirs up contention Do not befriend Person to be avoided Fool Great understanding Appeaseth strife Better than the mighty Swift to hear, slow to speak SOON ANGRYSLOW to ANGER
Acts 9: _____________________________ Acts 11: ____________________________ Acts 13:1-3 - ______________________________ Acts 13:7,13 - _____________________________ Acts 13:46-14:20 - __________________________ Acts 15:1-3,12 - ____________________________ Acts 15: _____________________________ ‘Two are Better than One’ John MarkActs 12:12 Acts 12:25 Acts 13:5 Acts 13:13 Acts 15: II Tim.4:11,Phile:24,IPet.5:13 Befriended Saul when others wouldn’t Went to seek him out Worked together Transition of Leadership Chief speaker - Defer to strength Moved forward based on common understanding Spiritual Courage - Agree to Disagree Allow for Mistakes Encourage Growth Ecc.4:9
‘The contention was so sharp between them, that they departed asunder one from the other’ Acts 15:39 How often have you seen that happen? Or experienced it yourself? Marriage Individual Brothers/Sisters Within your Ecclesia Between Ecclesias Scriptural Instruction – Learn to Manage Your Anger First
Freedom to Choose PAUSE Response - ability
PAUSE I Sam. 20:30-34 Saul’s Unbridled Anger Prov.14:29 – ‘hasty of spirit’ Prov.19:12 – ‘king’s wrath’ Prov.19:19 – ‘great wrath’ Prov.21:24 – ‘proud wrath’ Prov.25:28 – ‘no rule over his spirit’ Prov.27:3 – ‘fool’s wrath’ Jonathan’s Wise Response Prov.22:24 – ‘avoid a furious man’ Ecc.7:9 – ‘be not hasty to be angry’
PAUSE DIVINE PRINCIPLES FOR CONDUCT Freedom to Choose
Ps.7:11 – God is angry with the wicked every day II Kings 17:9-11 – ch. Of Israel did secretly those things that were not right II Kings 22:17 - …works of their hands… Ps.106:29 - … with their inventions… Is.9:17 - …everyone is a hypocrite and an evildoer Jer. 32: …turned unto me the back and not the face… - they - their kings - their princes - their priests - their prophets Jer.42:17-18, Ezek.16:26,20:8 …set faces to go into Egypt…committed whoredoms with Egypt thy neighbours, great of flesh…neither did forsake the idols of Egypt Ezek.8:17 - …is it a light thing PAUSE “…provoked the LORD to anger…”
Ps.78:38 - …many a time turned he his anger away… Ps.103:8, Joel2:13, Nah.1:3,6 – merciful, gracious, slow to anger Is.48:9-11 – defer mine anger…I will refrain for thee II Kings 17:13 – testified against Israel & Judah by prophets …morning by morning… rising early and speaking to them!! Jer.7:13,25,11:7,25:3,26:5,35:14-15,44:4 PAUSE
To Be Feared Ps.6:1 – rebuke me not in thine anger Ps.27:9 – put not servant away in anger Ps.90:7-12 – who knoweth power of thine anger …..therefore teach us to number our days Has Purpose Jer.23:20, 30:24, Ezek.5:13 …till he have performed the thoughts of his heart perfectly… How God’s Anger Works Is.10:5 – Assyrian = rod of his anger Is.13:3 – my mighty ones (nations) Hos.13:11 – sometimes gives us what we want Refining Process – Purified Product Ezek.22: …I will gather you in mine anger…into the midst of the furnace…and blow upon it…and melt you.. and ye shall know !!! Reversible Jer.3:12-14– Only acknowledge thine iniquity Love is the End Result Mic.7:18 – retaineth not anger…delights in mercy (Lam.3:22-23) Hos. 14:4 - …I will love them freely…mine anger is turned away PAUSE
Summary God has ‘the right’ to be angry with us every day God defers his anger – appeals to us by the prophets God will/does express his anger given our stubborn behaviour - Purpose - Refining Process - Reversible - Love is the end result
1. Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. Eph. 4:26 – “Be ye angry, and sin not” 2. Restrain your immediate response Prov.29:11 – ‘A fool gives full vent to his anger’ Prov.19:11 – ‘People with good sense restrain their anger’ Prov.14:17 – ‘A quick tempered man does foolish things.’ ‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’ Anonymous Challenge is not ‘Don’t get angry’ but…. not to sin when we are angry!
3. Seek to understand before making yourself understood. Principle – Ecc.5:1-2 – allusion to law – Ex.30:18-20 James 1:19-20 – quick to listen…slooooooow to wrath ! CHANGE THE WAY WE THINK…. ‘I assume I don’t fully understand, and I need to listen’ ‘If I listen first and understand, then I will be better understood’ Listening Paradigm shift
LEVELS OF LISTENING Ignoring – making no effort to listen Pretend Listening – making believe or giving the appearance you are listening Selective Listening – hearing only parts of the conversation that interest you Attentive Listening – paying attention and focusing on what the speaker says and comparing that to your own experiences Empathic Listening – listening and responding with both the heart and mind to understand the speaker’s words, intent and feelings
(Greek) “in”“feeling, suffering” We have empathy when we put ourself in another’s place and experience feelings as he or she experiences them. It does not mean we agree but that we deeply understand another person emotionally and intellectually. Help the Speaker Feel Understood 1.Repeat Content 2.Rephrase Content in Own Words 3.Reflect Feelings 4.Rephrase & Reflect Feelings in Own Words Indicator Phrases ‘As I get it, you felt that…’ ‘I’m picking up that you…’ ‘So, as you see it…’ ‘What I guess I’m hearing is…’ ‘I’m not sure I’m with you but…’ ‘You place a high value on…’ ‘As I hear it, you…’ ‘You must have felt…’ ‘Your message seems to be, I…’ Phil. 3:10 – ‘fellowship of his sufferings (pathos)’ I Pet. 4:12-14 – ‘partakers of Christ’s sufferings (pathos)’ II Cor.1:3-5 – ‘sufferings abound in Christ’
4. Analyze Your Options i)Consciously Decide to Overlook the Matter - not same as storing your anger - Releasing the anger to God – giving up the right to take revenge Rom.12:9 – God’s prerogative Prov 19:11 – ‘The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.’ Col.3:13 – ‘forbear’ ii) Lovingly Confront the Person Gal.6:1 – ‘restore such an one in the spirit of meekness’ – RESTORATION Lu.17:3-4 – ‘…if thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him…’ rebuke = ‘to set a weight upon’ laying a matter before a bro/sis kindly and firmly realize there is always possibility you have misunderstood suggestion – write it before you speak it Result – 1. Explanation 2. Confession --- framework for reconciliation
5. Take Constructive Action i)If we choose to let the offense go……PRAY ! ii)If we choose to lovingly confront do so gently….PRAY! Matt.5:22-24 LISTEN FIRST…..it may change your paradigm!!!! Must always be given Is the promise that you will no longer hold this particular offense against the person… your anger has served its purpose – it has motivated you to take constructive action to see that the issue was resolved!
“a great cry of the people” James 5:1-4 “against their brethren” Scenario v.2Our sons and daughters need food! v.3Mortgaged lands, houses, vineyards to buy food! v.4Borrowed money to pay king’s tribute against lands. v.5 Sons and daughters taken into bondage as servants! The Call of Brethren Lev. 25:35-38 I Cor.6:6-8
‘consulted with myself’ NEB - ‘I mastered my feelings and reasoned with the elders’ ie Paul - II Cor. 11:29 ‘I was very angry’Heb. ‘was angering – to glow, grow warm’ Freedom to Choose
1. Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. v.6 ‘And I was very angry’ 2. Restrain your immediate response v.7 ‘I consulted with myself’ 3. Seek to understand before making yourself understood. v.8 ‘Then held they their peace, and found nothing to answer’ 4. Analyze Your Options Overlook the Matter Lovingly Confront v.9 – ‘It is not good that ye do…’ 5. Take Constructive Action v.12 – ‘Restore…require nothing…take an oath’ v – Set an example
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” An experience common to man Saul – I Sam. 20:28-34 Jonah – Jonah 4:1,4,9 Cain – Gen.4:5,8
Saul & Jonathan I Sam.20:30-34 Cain & Abel Genesis 4 Pilate & People Luke 23:13-25 Paul & Barnabus Acts 15:36-40 Jerusalem Conference Acts 15:1-22 Paul & Peter Gal.2:11 Going to Law I Cor.5:12-6:8 Casting Out Moneychangers Mark 11:11-19 Nehemiah & Rulers Neh.5 Neglect of Widows Acts 6:1-8 Coat & Cloke Matt.5:39-42
1.Conflict Resolution Styles 2.Matthew Forgiveness 4. Intra-Ecclesial Conflict 5. Reconciliation is the Goal
1.Between Thee and Him – v.15 2.One or Two More – v.16 3.Tell it to the Ecclesia – v.17
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 ‘If your brother acts wrongly towards you, go and point out his fault to him when only you and he are there’ (Wey) ‘But if your brother wrongs you, go and have it out with him at once – just between the two of you.’ (Philips) ‘trespass’ – ‘to miss the mark, be mistaken, miss or wander from the path of uprightness and honor, to do or go wrong’ (Thayer) Prov. 25:8-9 – ‘Debate thy cause with thy neighbour himself’
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 ‘go tell him his fault’ ‘refute, confute, bring to light, expose’ ‘self to the exclusion of others, by one’s self’ Gr. vb. Implies a continual action – ie continue till it is apparent further conversation = useless or harmful Motive – Gaining thy brother – Lev.19:17-18
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 ‘hear’ – ‘to attend to, consider, understand, perceive the sense of what is being said’ SEE &HEAR TELL A STORY FEEL & ACT Always intermediate stepAlways intermediate step We add meaning to action observedWe add meaning to action observed Even if it we don’t realize it we tell ourselves storiesEven if it we don’t realize it we tell ourselves stories Need to tell ourselves different story to break cycleNeed to tell ourselves different story to break cycle
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 CONFLICT – An Opportunity Love of Christ 1.Note Context – v – restoration not condemnation 2.Language of scripture – not ‘confront’ - confessing, teaching, instructing, reasoning, encouraging, correcting, warning, admonishing, rebuking (Mt.5:23-24, Lu.17:3, Acts 17:17, I Thess.5:14, II Tim.2:24,4:2) 3. Adjust intensity of our communication – I Tim.5:1
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 1. FACE TO FACE Matt.5:23-24,18:15, Lu.17:3 Successful Reconciliation Jacob & Esau – Gen 33:6-12 Joseph & Bro’s – Gen Paul & Apostles – Acts 9:27-28 Unsuccessful Reconciliation David and Absalom II Sam.14:24-32 ‘must not see my face’
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 2. AWARENESS = OBLIGATION To do nothing isn’t a scripturally viable option Lev. 19:17 – ‘rebuke…so you will not share his guilt’ Prov.24:11-12 – ‘If you say we know nothing…’ Matt.5:23-24 – ‘if remember thy bro. hath ought against thee’ Ja.5:19-20 – ‘convert the sinner…save a soul from death’
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 3. RESPONSIBLE FOR EACH OTHER Gal.6:1‘overtaken in a fault’ Gr.’prolambano’ – ‘overtaken, surprised’ ‘restore’ Gr.’katartizo’ – ‘mend,repair,equip,complete,prepare Matt.4:21 – ‘mending their nets’ I Thess.3:10 – ‘perfect that which is lacking’ Heb.13:21 – ‘Make you perfect in every good work’ I Pet.5:10 – ‘make you perfect’
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 4. BE QUICK TO LISTEN Ja.1:19 – ‘swift to hear’ Gr. ‘prompt, ready, quick’ – only occurence Prov.18:13 – ‘He who answers before listening – that is his folly and shame’ Ecc.5:1 – ‘in house of God…be more ready to hear than give the sacrifice of fools’
Between Thee and Him Alone Matt. 18:15 5. BE SLOW TO SPEAK ‘There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts’ Prov.12:18 Act with Grace – Ja.3:17-18 Make Charitable Judgements – Ja.4:11-12 Speak Truth in Love – Eph.4:15, Rom.12:14, I Pet.3:8-9 Talk from Beside not from Above Communicate so Clearly that You Cannot be Misunderstood Plan Your Words – Prov.14:22 ‘…a bro. offended is harder to be won than a strong city’ Prov.18:19
One or Two More Matt. 18:16 ‘every word may be established’ Gr. – ‘to be made to stand’ ‘two or three witnesses’ A Principle under the Law Deut.19:15,Num.35:30,Deut.17:6,Heb.10:28 Practiced in the Ecclesia II Cor.13:1,I Tim.5:19,Phil.4:2-3
Tell it to the Ecclesia Matt. 18:17 ‘neglect to hear’ Gr. ‘parakouo’ – only time word is used Strgs – ‘to mishear, disobey’ Thayers – ‘to hear aside ie casually, carelessly’ ‘be unwilling to hear ie neglect, pay no heed’ ‘tell it to the ecclesia’ ROLE OF THE ECCLESIA Holds both parties accountable to God’s Word Ecclesia’s opinion intended to be binding Ecclesia speaks with authourity of Christ (although imperfectly) As an Ecclesia we are accountable before God Decisions are Ecclesial not AB’s
Tell it to the Ecclesia Matt. 18:17 Heb.13:17 – guidance accountability I Cor.6:1-8 – ecclesia – arbiter of choice II Cor.2:6-8 – ‘inflicted of many’ I Tim.5:20 – ‘them that sin rebuke before all’ “let him be as a heathen man and a publican” Rom.16: AVOID THEM ‘divisions’ – ‘disunion, dissension’ ‘offenses’ – Gr.’skandalon’ – Eng. ‘scandal’ - ‘a trap stick, snare’ Moral I Cor.5:9-13 II Thess. 3:6 Doctrinal I Tim.6:3-5 II Jn.1:10-11 KEY – II Thess.3:14-15
Tell it to the Ecclesia Matt. 18:17 “let him be as a heathen man and a publican” Use of ‘as’ is significant! God only knows the heart (I Sam.16:7, Rev.2:23) Ecclesia has no power to decide whether a person is a believer Ecclesia – resp. to make a functional decision – if a person behaves like a non-believer he should be treated as such Attendance to be encouraged and welcomed with a view towards restoration (to greatest extent possible) Intention – cause him to understand not injure or punish KEY – Tit.3:10-11 – Condemned himself!
Tell it to the Ecclesia Matt. 18:17 Non-Believer Status – 3 Purposes 1.Prevents Lord from being dishonoured – Rom.2: Other believers protected from being led astray - Rom.16:17, I Cor.5:1-7, II Tim.2: Forces someone to realize seriousness of their fault A Learning Process Eph.5:11-13 – ‘reprove’ – Gr. ‘call to account’ I Tim.1:20 – ‘learn’ – Gr. ‘train up a child’ I Cor.5:5 – ‘that the spirit may be saved’
‘UNFORGIVENESS IS THE POISON WE DRINK HOPING OTHERS WILL DIE’ Unforgiveness… Blocks our door to salvation – Mt.6:14-15 Allows root of bitterness to grow – Heb.12:15 Causes you to walk in darkness – I Jn.2:9-11 Grieves the Spirit of God – Eph.4:30-31
Col.3:13 – ‘forgiving one another… even as Christ forgave you’ even as Christ forgave you’ Eph.4:32 – ‘forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you’ as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you’ Gr. ‘aphiemi’ – ‘to send forth, to send away’ Mt.6:12,18:27,32 ‘to let go, release, remit’ ‘to let go, release, remit’ ref. to debts that have been paid in full Gr. ‘charizomai’ – ‘to bestow a favour unconditionally, undeservedly’ undeservedly’
Forgiveness is not a Feeling – it is an act of will Forgiveness is not Forgetting – forgetting is a passive process - forgiving is an active process Forgiveness is not Excusing - excusing says that’s OK - forgiveness says – what you did was wrong & inexusable, but God has forgiven me – I forgive you inexusable, but God has forgiven me – I forgive you
When someone sins a debt is created… someone must pay it MY BROTHERMYSELF THIS GAP CAN ONLY BE CLOSED … IF WE FIX THIS GAP Matt. 5:22-24 Is.59:2
UNMERCIFUL SERVANT Matt.18:28-35 UNBELIEVABLY FORGIVING KING Matt.18:23-27 Exact Payment Make Payments Withold forgiveness Cold & aloof Gossip Lashing back Dwelling in the wrong Seeking revenge Speak graciously Release from consequences Pray for grace to help Tear down walls Fight painful memories
MAKING FOUR PROMISES 1.I will not dwell on this incident. 2. I will not bring this up again & use it against you. 3. I will not talk to others about this incident. 4. I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. Unconditional commitment to God – Mk.11:25,Lu.6:28 Letting God take over – won’t seek retribution – thought, word, action Pray for the other person Readiness for reconciliation once repent Jer.31:34, Ps.103:3-4, I Cor.13:5
A NECESSARY STEP I Jn.1:9-10 Ps.51:1-3 1.Expressing Regret – ‘I am sorry’ 2.Accepting Responsibility – ‘I was wrong’ 3.Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right’ 4.Genuine Repenting – ‘I’ll try not to do that again’ 5.Requesting Forgiveness – ‘Will you please forgive me?’
The Ecclesial Guide Framework for each ecclesial constitution 1.Consistency of operation within individual ecclesias 2.Consistency of practice in how ecc.deal with each other Do we use the ecclesial guide alongside scripture in dealing with matters of fellowship and doctrine?
VOTING/BALLOT – COMMON PRACTICE Advantages convenient quick little effort/deliberation Disadvantages Anonymous – allows the expression of opinion while avoiding face to face deliberation and discussion What does voting really accomplish? Does voting allow us to reach out to others in bro. love? Does voting resolve the issue at hand? Does voting promote unity? Does voting promote oneness of mind amongst an ecclesia?
CASTING LOTS Employed in Defined Situations 1.Choosing people for specific tasks (positive & negative) 2.Dividing up of duties or territory Josh.18:8-10 – cast lots before the Lord for division of land I Sam.14:42 – cast lot before God between Saul and Jonathan Acts 1:26 – the lot fell upon Matthias Also I Chron.26:13-14, Neh.11:1, Ps.22:18, Joel 3:3, Jon.1:7
SCRIPTURAL ADVICE Rom.12:6 – be of the same mind one toward another Rom 15:6 – with one mind and one mouth glorify God II Cor. 13:11 – be of one mind, live in peace Phil.1:27 – with one mind striving for the faith Phil.2:2 – likeminded…of one accord…of one mind I Pet.3:8 – finally be ye all of one mind Acts 1:14 – these all continued of one accord (2:26,4:24,5:12,8:6,15:25)
Advice from ECCLESIAL GUIDE If the matters of difference do not affect the question of the truth or the commandments, it is the duty of the lesser to submit to the greater number. (Clause 39) If the matters of difference do affect the question of the truth or the commandments, let the minority ask a meeting for the discussion of them, intimating that a question of fellowship is involved. (Clause 40) If the discussion have no result … the course of the minority is clear.(Clause 40)
Advice from SCRIPTURE is MORE COMPELLING Phil.3:15-18 Context – ‘knowing him, power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings’ (v.10) ‘ be thus minded’ Gr. ‘to exercise the mind, entertain or have sentiment or opinion; to be mentally disposed in a certain direction’ Thayer – ‘the same opinion, agree together, cherish the same views’ ‘otherwise minded’ Gr. ‘differently minded or different thinking’
Advice from SCRIPTURE is MORE COMPELLING Phil.3:15-18 Context – ‘knowing him, power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings’ (v.10) v.16 ‘let us walk by the same rule, let us mind the same thing’ Gr. --– we must as an ecclesia walk in step as a military troop holding the same opinion – Phil.2:2, I Cor.1:10 Lit Gr. ‘let us walk in step’ - contrast v.18 ‘walk out of step’
Context – ‘doctrine’ of circumcision v.1-4 Advice from SCRIPTURE is MORE COMPELLING Gal.5:10 ‘ be none otherwise minded’ Gr. ‘not even one will exercise the mind, have sentiment or opinion or be mentally disposed in a different direction’ VOTING FAILS TO ACHIEVE ONENESS OF MIND DEMANDED BY SCRIPTURE
When you are faced with conflict, passivity is not the real path to peace. Resolution rests in confronting wrong, but with a right heart.
‘finding the answer’ Gr. ‘adjustment of a difference – to change the mind of anyone – restoration to favour – to receive one into favour – to re-establish harmony – to bring together again’ II Cor.13:11 – ‘Straighten yourselves out, comfort yourselves. agree with one another and live at peace.’
Is Forgiveness the same as Reconciliation? Focus on offense Requires no relationship Focus on relationship Requires nurturing relationship “Can two walk together unless they meet by appointment” Amos 3:3 (Roth)
I CORINTHIANS 1:10 ‘I entreat you brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, to cultivate a spirit of harmony – all of you – and that there be no divisions among you but rather a perfect union through your having one mind and one judgement.’ (Wey) ‘I do beg you, my brothers, by all that our Lord Jesus Christ means to you, to speak with one voice, and not allow yourselves to be split up into parties. All together you should be achieving a unity in thought and judgement.’ (Phillips)
Matt.5:22-24 v.22 – RV omits ‘without a cause’ - Consider Ja.1:20 v.23 Principle – Not what we bring to the altar but how we approach it! - Consider I Jn.4:20-21 v.24 Command – First be reconciled ….
I’m Sorry Can I please talk to you about… Can we start over again… I understand… I value our relationship and would like to talk… Who do you think you are? You are such a jerk! Don’t be stupid! Go away.. I will if I want to… The conflict itself is not the problem, but rather our reaction to them!
“The discretion of man deferreth his anger” Prov.19:11 “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” Prov.16:32
Eph.4: Be Honest – v Deal with it now – v Attack the problem not the person – v Act don’t react – v Proverbs 18:13 – LISTEN first ….then respond! Gal.5:15 - ‘If you keep on biting and devouring one another, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.’
1.Conflict is an expressed struggle between two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards or resources, and interference from the other party in achieving goals, priorities and tasks. 2.Conflict is the dynamic tension between people who are different. 3.Conflict is the difference between expectations and reality Suggested Definitions:
Is it possible to turn conflict within the ecclesia into a positive? What attitudes and thinking must be in place for this to be the case?
Roger Schwartz – The Skilled Facilitator Highly effective work groups embrace conflict as a vehicle to promote growth and development and believe that each person is strong enough to receive constructive feedback. They view conflict as: A natural part of group dynamics Contributing to personal growth Increasing our understanding of each other Openly testing differences of opinions An opportunity to explore alternate solutions A place to disagree without fear of retribution
Withdraws Conflict remains unresolved and neither party wins Avoids conflict Avoids people Gives up goal Gives up relationship “Conflict resolution is hopeless” Takes a ‘time out’ to calm down May not get own goals/needs met May lose opportunities to build stronger relationships Sometimes conflicts resolve themselves Best initial response when you are unprepared (should only be short term strategy) I lose, you lose
Seeks harmony; Tries to smooth over conflict Put aside personal needs and desires and acquiesce to other person Goal – not important Relationship – very important Fears that conflict will destroy relationship Communicates with respect Listens, tries to understand and be supportive May not get own goals/needs met May become resentful – can damage relationship Useful when outcome is of little importance to you but high importance to other party Don’t say ‘It doesn’t matter to me’ or ‘Whatever you say’ You should feel you have made a proactive decision to allow other person’s goals You should ensure other party recognizes you have given up something of value Need to be viewed as being cooperative not weak I lose, you win
Overpowers, overwhelms Seek to win your position at the expense of the other party losing theirs Appropriate when only one party can achieve their goal Wants to win at all costs Goal – important Relationship – not important ‘My way or the highway’ Clear and direct about one’s needs and goals May damage key relationships May miss opportunities to create even better solutions Emergency situations that require split second decision making require this style To use effectively need to pick the right battles I win, you lose
Seeks compromise Resolves conflict quickly and efficiently seeking fair split between positions Flexible and willing to settle for satisfactory resolution Aims for middle ground Goal – moderately important Relationship – moderately important Has desire to NEGOTIATE; May not discriminate between ‘negotiable’ & ‘non-negotiable’ May jump in before heat has died down We both win, we both lose
Conflicts = problems to be solved Cooperate to resolve issue to a mutually satisfying outcome Focus on resolving the issue rather than competing with each other Each side feels outcome is better than could have achieved on their own Requires a high level of trust Creative problem-solving and idea generation Highest investment of time and energy Seeks a win-win solution Goal – very important Relationship – very important Depersonalizes a conflict – prevents blame-game May not recognize the urgency of the situation May push for more ‘processing’ than is realistic Most satisfying style – each party feels they have achieved goals - relationship has grown I win, you win
At your table create a visual representation of your assigned style on a flip chart › Each member of the table group must contribute to the image › No words/numbers/letters allowed
Examine the following examples in scripture and discuss how the various scriptural characters handled conflict or disagreement. What conflict resolution styles did they use?? What worked well? What could have been done differently? 1.Genesis 4 – Cain and Abel 2.I Samuel 20: Saul & Jonathan 3.Luke 23:13-25 – Pilate and the people 4.Matthew 15:10-20 – Christ and Pharisees 5.Mark 11:11-19 – Casting Out Money Changers 6.Acts 15:1-22 – Jerusalem Conference 7.Acts 15:36-40 – Paul & Barnabus 8.Gal.2:11 – Paul & Peter 9.I Cor.5:12-6:8 – Going to Law 10.Acts 6:1-8 – Neglect of Widows