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Subject: Anger Management Information: From the book “The Other Side Of Love” by Dr. Gary Chapman Class: AFJROTC.

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Presentation on theme: "Subject: Anger Management Information: From the book “The Other Side Of Love” by Dr. Gary Chapman Class: AFJROTC."— Presentation transcript:

1

2 Subject: Anger Management Information: From the book “The Other Side Of Love” by Dr. Gary Chapman Class: AFJROTC

3 A. Yes B. No

4 1. What is anger? 2. What can you do when you find yourself getting angry? 3. What are some of the physical changes that take place when you get angry? 4. Is it ever right to become physical with the person you are angry at? 5. What do you do when you encounter an angry person?

5 ANGER MANAGEMENT

6 Anger Management Definition of Anger: -A strong passion or emotion, excited by a sense of injury or insult. It involves emotions, the mind, the body, and the will.

7 “And he that is of a cool spirit is a man of understanding” (Proverbs 17:27) “Never decide on any course or start to do anything while emotion is agitating like a roaring sea. The mind is easily affected by feelings, and with a restless mind how can we distinguish between right and wrong?” - Watchman Nee

8 Anger is always stimulated by an event We normally don’t wake up and decide, “Hey, I think I’ll be angry today!” Let’s see how it involves the emotions, the mind and the body

9 A. Yes B. No

10 A. Yes B. No

11 Emotions: Anger is a cluster of emotions involving such feelings as disappointment, hurt, rejection, embarrassment, and other similar feelings. We can get angry when these emotions are activated.

12 The Mind: This is where we replay the event that has caused us to get angry.

13 The Body: We put a terrible amount of stress on our bodies when we get, and stay, angry. It is like being under distress. Depending on the level of anger, any or all of the following may happen: - The adrenal glands release two hormones: epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline). These two chemicals seem to give people the tenseness and excitement in the heat of anger.

14 These chemicals in turn stimulate changes in your heart rate, blood pressure, lung functions, and digestive tract activities.

15 Did you notice how the emotions, thoughts (mind) and the body (physiological) are intertwined? These compose what we call anger. Normally anger is then expressed in behavior - words or actions: - We shout at someone - We kick or punch something - Withdraw in silence - Etc

16 What we want to discover is how we can learn to control our thoughts (mind) - how we interpret the events - and our behavior - our words and actions. This involves the will. (the want to)

17 A. Emotions B. Mind C. Body

18 We need to understand that anger is not evil - it demonstrates that we are concerned about: -- Justice -- Making things right -- Fairness

19 We hope to learn the following: - Our response to anger - Two types of anger - Five steps to handle valid anger (Processing anger) -How to process distorted anger - Destructive Responses to Anger

20 - - What to do when you are angry at yourself - What to do when you encounter an angry person

21 First, Our Response To Anger Should Be: To right a wrong by seeking justice – not revenge - and bring about change. Some examples: - MADD - SADD - Stopping Slavery - Our Own Personal Injustices

22 Our Motivation in responding to anger must be: - Guided by love (not revenge) Let’s look at the two types of anger.

23 A. True B. False

24 Love

25 Two Types of Anger: - Definitive - Distorted First, definitive

26 Definitive anger is born of a wrongdoing. Treated unfairly, property stolen, lies are told about us, etc. It is valid in that something wrong was actually done.

27 Distorted is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, envy, jealously, or greed. It has nothing to do with an actual wrongdoing. Life was simply made inconvenient - for a time. Could be set off due to you being tired.

28 A. Definitive B. Distorted

29 Let’s look at the TWO ALL IMPORTANT QUESTIONS To Ask Before We Act: 1. Is the action I’m considering positive; will it deal with the wrong and heal the relationship? 2. Is the action I’m considering loving? Is it designed for the benefit of the person I’m angry with? (This can be hard to do.) Simply, is it positive and is it loving?

30 Five Steps to Handle Valid Anger Step 1: Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry Obvious - right? The problem is the emotion of anger can come on quickly and we can find ourselves caught in a verbal or physical response before we ever acknowledge the fact. So what do you do?

31 Step 1 continued: Say this to yourself, “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do about it?” - Allows you to distinguish the difference between your anger and the action you will take - applying reason and thinking – using your mind. - Reduces the chance of you doing something you will regret later.

32 Step 2: Restrain Your Immediate Response Do and say nothing – for now! King Solomon said, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Much of how you respond stems from what you have learned throughout your childhood.

33 - Some are screamers - very vocal - Some become physical - the wrong way to respond - Some withdraw and become silent storing up their anger All can be destructive

34 For those who let the “RED” hot lava of anger flow, take time to count to 10, 100, or if necessary, Answer this, who is controlling who?

35 Take a time out!

36 What could be the result of not restraining myself? - Emotionally destroying someone - Possibly inflicting physical injury – even on yourself - Worse yet, kill someone - Spending the rest of your life with regret!

37 Step 3: Locate The Focus of Your Anger There are two questions to consider. They are: (1) What is the actual wrong committed?

38 ( 2) How serious is the offense? How major? How minor? Forgetting to meet to have lunch or the same person cheating on his wife - one is worse than the other. Rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being minor and 10 being serious. Why give it a rating? For perspective!

39 Step 4: Analyze Your Options By locating the focus of your anger and giving it a rating, you are prepared for step 4. Here’s the question you should ask: “What are the possible actions I could take?” Here are some examples:

40 - You verbally beat them up for their unloving, uncaring, unthinking, behavior - You could become historical bringing up all the things in the past - You could become physical and hit them (not a good choice) -Dismiss them with a mental put-down - Seek revenge through isolation (“Let them feel rejection for awhile”).

41 The Two Most Valid and Productive Options: (1) Lovingly confront the person or persons (2) Overlook the offense Step 5, Take Constructive action: Let’s talk about option (2) first

42 Overlook the Offense - You realize that confronting will not achieve anything positive. (How do you know? Past experience.) -- You choose to accept the wrong and release the person. You are NOT letting the other person control your life - you’re moving on The far more wiser response is to confront - lovingly – (Not verbal abuse.)

43 - Bring it to their attention (They may be blind to what they’ve done.) - Be firm but kind as you lay before them what they did or did not do. - Recognize you might have misunderstood their words or actions (always a possibility - restrain). -Write down what you want to say before you confront them. - You want to talk WITH, not AT, the person to resolve your anger.

44 Remember, confrontation is never for the purpose of condemning but to restore relationships.

45 Confrontation does not always lead to justice but hopefully a restored relationship.

46 Summary Of The Five Steps In Responding To Valid Anger: 1. Acknowledge to yourself you are angry 2. Restrain your immediate response 3. Locate the focus of your anger 4. Analyze your options 5. Take constructive action

47 A. Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry B. Step 2 Restrain your response C. Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger D. Step 4 Analyze your options E. Step 5 Take constructive action

48 A. Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry B. Step 2 Restrain your response C. Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger D. Step 4 Analyze your options E. Step 5 Take constructive action

49 A. Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry B. Step 2 Restrain your response C. Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger D. Step 4 Analyze your options E. Step 5 Take constructive

50 A. Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry B. Step 2 Restrain your response C. Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger D. Step 4 Analyze your options E. Step 5 Take constructive

51 Processing Distorted Anger: Remember, distorted anger is not valid anger. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort. You did not get what you wanted. (Buying luggage.)

52 In distorted anger, the alleged wrong is only in your perception; there is no real wrongdoing! Two questions you must ask yourself: What wrong was committed? And, am I sure I have all of the facts?

53 Roger simply forgot: Forgetting is a human phenomenon that we have all experienced and will experience from time to time. (Not an excuse for being irresponsible.)

54 A. Definitive B. Distorted

55 Processing distorted anger : Step 1: Share Information - Tell the person involved, in a non- condemning way, about your concern.

56 Step 2: Gathering Information Here’s Roger’s chance to explain why he did not show-up to buy luggage.

57 Step 3: Negotiate Understanding - Express your struggles in a non- threatening manner - Then listen to the other person’s response - - This allows you to understand the person’s actions and them to understand your feelings

58 Step 4 : Request Change - This step is optional - Many will respond in a positive way if they are requested to change and not demanded or manipulated

59 Summary of The Four Steps of Processing Distorted Anger: 1. Share Information - not a verdict 2. Gather Information 3. Negotiate Understanding 4. Request Change (Optional) Always determine if your anger is distorted when using these steps.

60 A. Step 1 Share Information - not a verdict B. Step 2 Gather Information C. Step 3 Negotiate Understanding D. Step 4 Request Change (Optional)

61 A. Step 1 Share Information - not a verdict B. Step 2 Gather Information C. Step 3 Negotiate Understanding D. Step 4 Request Change (Optional)

62 A. Step 1 Share Information - not a verdict B. Step 2 Gather Information C. Step 3 Negotiate Understanding D. Step 4 Request Change (Optional)

63 A. Step 1 Share Information - not a verdict B. Step 2 Gather Information C. Step 3 Negotiate Understanding D. Step 4 Request Change (Optional)

64 Destructive Responses to Anger

65 Two Negative Responses To Anger: - Explosive Anger - Implosive Anger Both are dangerous and are not acceptable ways of handling anger

66 Explosive Behavior - Expressed either in word or actions -- Verbal abuse -- Physical abuse - Uncontrolled anger is at the root of both of these

67 Exploding verbally: - Just as bad as physical – except the scars are on the inside “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” From the book of Proverbs -”Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory bank of our children, friends, family, etc.” - Charles R. Swindol If we constantly make withdrawals, there ends up being a negative balance of emotional strength in memory bank accounts.

68 Implosive Anger Defined as “a bursting inwards” Motivated out of fear of confrontation; belief that feeling or expressing anger is wrong

69 Recognizing Implosive Anger: - You can’t see it - Yet, just as destructive as explosive anger - Whereas explosive anger begins with rage and may quickly turn into violence, implosive anger begins with: -- Silence and withdrawal -- Leads to resentment and bitterness -- Eventually, hatred of the person

70 Implosive Anger is Characterized by Three Behaviors: - Denial - Withdrawal - Brooding - - Practiced by those who believe anger to be wrong

71 Results of Implosive Anger: -Physiological and Psychological Stress on the angry person --It will hurt you physically and emotionally

72 A. Explosive B. Implosive

73 A. Explosive B. Implosive

74 A. Explosive B. Implosive

75 A. Explosive B. Implosive

76 Now, Redirected Anger - Shows anger toward people not even involved - Usually it’s redirected at family members - Opens a huge can of worms -- More people get angry - innocent people -- When the person you redirected your anger toward gets angry at you, you now get angry at them for being angry at you – “How dare them”

77 - Confess, agree, and repent, take action to not repeat the wrong Asking For Forgiveness: - The flip side - you wronged someone - You don’t have to wait to be confronted A Very Important Thing!!!!!!!

78 Think about it this way: “Holding on to resentment – not forgiving – is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” (Forgiveness 101)

79 When You Are Angry At Yourself: Sources Of Personal Anger - When we don’t live up to our expectations -- We fail to accomplish what we know we are capable of in our vocation, hobbies, sports, etc - When we have acted foolishly or carelessly

80 What to do when you are angry at yourself 1. Admit you are angry 2. Determine if your anger is definitive or distorted 3. Confess wrongdoings to yourself 4. Choose to forgive yourself 5. Focus on positive actions

81 When You Encounter An Angry Person:

82 - Their anger could be either definitive or distorted - -Will be handled the same way Seven Steps When Responding To An Angry Person: Step 1. Listen Step 2. Listen Step 3. Listen NO KIDDING!

83 Step 1: The best thing you can do is listen to the angry person - Lets you determine how angry they are - You’re getting some of the basics of the person’s story Step 2: After hearing the angry person’s story once, have them repeat it -- Lets the angry person know that you are taking them seriously - that you want to understand

84 Step 3: Now that you have listened to their story twice, ask some questions -- Allows you to gather more information to clarify your understanding of the angry person’s situation -- Allows the angry person to get out all of their concerns

85 Step 4: Seek to understand the angry person’s plight - the reason they’re angry -- Calls for you being empathic -- Try to visualize how you would feel if it were you

86 Step 5: Express to the angry person your understanding of the situation -- Spoken with kindness in your voice -- Even if the person might have facts wrong, don’t try to correct at this point -- Affirm the person’s feelings of anger

87 Step 6: Share additional information that may shed light on the subject -- After hearing their story and seeking clarification, you can now modify or challenge their information -- Must be done with respect and empathy

88 Step 7: Confess any wrongdoing on your part and perform restitution -- If the person’s anger was definitive, you must admit to the wrong and ask for forgiveness -- Restitution means you might owe someone some money or help in some form If their anger was distorted, hopefully at this point they realize it and are asking you for forgiveness

89 A. True B. False

90 A. True B. False

91 A. Step 1 Listen B. Step 2 Listen C. Step 3 Listen D. Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation – how they feel E. Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation F. Step 6 Share additional information with the angry person G. Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution

92 A. Step 1 Listen B. Step 2 Listen C. Step 3 Listen D. Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation – how they feel E. Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation F. Step 6 Share additional information with the angry person G. Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution [

93 A. Step 1 Listen B. Step 2 Listen C. Step 3 Listen D. Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation – how they feel E. Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation F. Step 6 Share additional information with the angry person G. Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution

94 A. Step 1 Listen B. Step 2 Listen C. Step 3 Listen D. Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation – how they feel E. Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation F. Step 6 Share additional information with the angry person G. Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution

95 In Summary, What We Have Covered : - Our response to anger - Two types of anger - Two all important questions - How to make anger productive -- Five steps to handle valid anger (Processing anger)

96 -- How to process distorted anger - Destructive Responses to Anger - What to do when you are angry at yourself And Last, - What to do when you encounter an angry person

97 The End!


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