Subject: Anger Management Information: From the book “The Other Side Of Love” by Dr. Gary Chapman Class: AFJROTC
Anger is a sign that a person is a sinful individual – evil. A.Yes B.No
1. What is anger? 2. What can you do when you find yourself getting angry? 3. What are some of the physical changes that take place when you get angry? 4. Is it ever right to become physical with the person you are angry at? 5. What do you do when you encounter an angry person?
Anger Management Definition of Anger: -A strong passion or emotion, excited by a sense of injury or insult. It involves emotions, the mind, the body, and the will.
“And he that is of a cool spirit is a man of understanding” (Proverbs 17:27) “Never decide on any course or start to do anything while emotion is agitating like a roaring sea. The mind is easily affected by feelings, and with a restless mind how can we distinguish between right and wrong?” - Watchman Nee
Anger is always stimulated by an event We normally don’t wake up and decide, “Hey, I think I’ll be angry today!” Let’s see how it involves the emotions, the mind and the body
You can just wake up and be angry for no reason. A.Yes B.No
In order to get angry, something, an event, must have occurred. A.Yes B.No
Emotions: Anger is a cluster of emotions involving such feelings as disappointment, hurt, rejection, embarrassment, and other similar feelings. We can get angry when these emotions are activated.
The Mind: This is where we replay the event that has caused us to get angry.
The Body: We put a terrible amount of stress on our bodies when we get, and stay, angry. It is like being under distress. Depending on the level of anger, any or all of the following may happen: - The adrenal glands release two hormones: epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline). These two chemicals seem to give people the tenseness and excitement in the heat of anger.
Did you notice how the emotions, thoughts (mind) and the body (physiological) are intertwined? These compose what we call anger. Normally anger is then expressed in behavior - words or actions: - We shout at someone - We kick or punch something - Withdraw in silence - Etc
What we want to discover is how we can learn to control our thoughts (mind) - how we interpret the events - and our behavior - our words and actions. This involves the will. (the want to)
Which of the following can be better controlled than the other two? A.Emotions B.Mind C.Body
We hope to learn the following: - Our response to anger - Two types of anger - Five steps to handle valid anger (Processing anger) -How to process distorted anger - Destructive Responses to Anger
- What to do when you encounter an angry person
First, Our Response To Anger Should Be: To right a wrong by seeking justice – not revenge - and bring about change. Some examples: - MADD - SADD - Stopping Slavery - Our Own Personal Injustices
Our Motivation in responding to anger must be: - Guided by love (not revenge) Let’s look at the two types of anger.
My response to anger is to get revenge – to get even! A.True B.False
My motivation in handling anger must be guided by___________. Love
Two Types of Anger: - Definitive - Distorted First, definitive
Definitive anger is born of a wrongdoing. Treated unfairly, property stolen, lies are told about us, etc. It is valid in that something wrong was actually done.
Distorted is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, envy, jealously, or greed. It has nothing to do with an actual wrongdoing. Life was simply made inconvenient - for a time. Could be set off due to you being tired.
Joe was walking and tripped in front of some other students. They proceeded to laugh at Joe. Joe got angry. A.Definitive B.Distorted
Let’s look at the TWO ALL IMPORTANT QUESTIONS To Ask Before We Act: 1. Is the action I’m considering positive; will it deal with the wrong and heal the relationship? 2. Is the action I’m considering loving? Is it designed for the benefit of the person I’m angry with? (This can be hard to do.) Simply, is it positive and is it loving?
Five Steps to Handle Valid Anger Step 1: Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry Obvious - right? The problem is the emotion of anger can come on quickly and we can find ourselves caught in a verbal or physical response before we ever acknowledge the fact. So what do you do?
Step 2: Restrain Your Immediate Response Do and say nothing – for now! King Solomon said, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”
For those who let the “RED” hot lava of anger flow, take time to count to 10, 100, or if necessary, 1000. Answer this, who is controlling who?
What could be the result of not restraining myself? - Emotionally destroying someone - Possibly inflicting physical injury – even on yourself - Worse yet, kill someone - Spending the rest of your life with regret!
Step 3: Locate The Focus of Your Anger There are two questions to consider. They are: (1) What is the actual wrong committed?
( 2) How serious is the offense? How major? How minor? Forgetting to meet to purchase luggage versus the same person cheating on his wife - one is worse than the other. Rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being minor and 10 being serious. Why give it a rating? For perspective!
Step 4: Analyze Your Options By locating the focus of your anger and giving it a rating, you are prepared for step 4. Here’s the question you should ask: “What are the possible actions I could take?” Here are some examples:
- You verbally beat them up for their unloving, uncaring, unthinking, behavior - You could become historical bringing up all the things in the past - You could become physical and hit them (not a good choice) -Dismiss them with a mental put-down - Seek revenge through isolation (“Let them feel rejection for awhile”).
The Two Most Valid and Productive Options: (1) Lovingly confront the person or persons (2) Overlook the offense Step 5, Take Constructive action: Let’s talk about option (2) first
Overlook the Offense - You realize that confronting will not achieve anything positive. (How do you know? Past experience.) -- You choose to accept the wrong and release the person. You are NOT letting the other person control your life - you’re moving on The far more wiser response is to confront - lovingly – (Not verbal abuse.)
- Bring it to their attention (They may be blind to what they’ve done.) - Be firm but kind as you lay before them what they did or did not do. - Recognize you might have misunderstood their words or actions (always a possibility - restrain). -Write down what you want to say before you confront them. - You want to talk WITH, not AT, the person to resolve your anger.
Remember, confrontation is never for the purpose of condemning but to restore relationships.
Confrontation does not always lead to justice but hopefully a restored relationship.
Summary Of The Five Steps In Responding To Valid Anger: 1. Acknowledge to yourself you are angry 2. Restrain your immediate response 3. Locate the focus of your anger 4. Analyze your options 5. Take constructive action
Bob is upset with Sally – angry – he will lovingly confront her about this. Which step is Bob in for processing definitive anger? A.Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry B.Step 2 Restrain your response C.Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger D.Step 4 Analyze your options E.Step 5 Take constructive action
When thinking about it, Bob realized what had happened was not all that important. On a scale of 1 to 10, he gave it a 2. A.Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry B.Step 2 Restrain your response C.Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger D.Step 4 Analyze your options E.Step 5 Take constructive action
Sally told Mary that Bob was skipping classes and getting in trouble. This was all a lie. Bob found out and became angry. He counted to 100 before responding. A.Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry B.Step 2 Restrain your response C.Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger D.Step 4 Analyze your options E.Step 5 Take constructive
When Bob stopped and thought about whether to confront or forget what Sally had told Mary, he decided his best option would be to forget it – over look it. A.Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry B.Step 2 Restrain your response C.Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger D.Step 4 Analyze your options E.Step 5 Take constructive
Processing Distorted Anger: Remember, distorted anger is not valid anger. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort. You did not get what you wanted. (Buying luggage.)
In distorted anger, the alleged wrong is only in your perception; there is no real wrongdoing! Two questions you must ask yourself: What wrong was committed? And, am I sure I have all of the facts?
Roger simply forgot: Forgetting is a human phenomenon that we have all experienced and will experience from time to time. (Not an excuse for being irresponsible.)
Betty was going to cut the grass for her mom and dad as a surprise. She tried to crank the mower but it would not start. Betty got extremely angry at the mower and started calling it bad names. A.Definitive B.Distorted
Processing distorted anger : Step 1: Share Information - Tell the person involved, in a non- condemning way, about your concern.
Step 2: Gathering Information Here’s Roger’s chance to explain why he did not show-up to buy luggage.
Step 3: Negotiate Understanding - Express how the situation made you feel - Then listen to the other person’s response - - This allows you to understand the person’s actions and them to understand your feelings
Step 4 : Request Change - This step is optional - Many will respond in a positive way if they are requested to change and not demanded or manipulated
Summary of The Four Steps of Processing Distorted Anger: 1. Share Information - not a verdict 2. Gather Information 3. Negotiate Understanding 4. Request Change (Optional) Always determine if your anger is distorted when using these steps.
Susie decided to tell Author she was hurt and frustrated over him failing to show up for their appointment. A.Step 1 Share Information - not a verdict B.Step 2 Gather Information C.Step 3 Negotiate Understanding D.Step 4 Request Change (Optional)
Susie suggested to Author that he make a note to himself to remind him to meet her for the appointment so he would not forget again. A.Step 1 Share Information - not a verdict B.Step 2 Gather Information C.Step 3 Negotiate Understanding D.Step 4 Request Change (Optional)
Susie allowed Author to explain what had happened – why he did not show up for their appointment. A.Step 1 Share Information - not a verdict B.Step 2 Gather Information C.Step 3 Negotiate Understanding D.Step 4 Request Change (Optional)
After Author explained why he forgot, Susie stressed to him to understand how it made her feel. A.Step 1 Share Information - not a verdict B.Step 2 Gather Information C.Step 3 Negotiate Understanding D.Step 4 Request Change (Optional)
Two Negative Responses To Anger: - Explosive Anger - Implosive Anger Both are dangerous and are not acceptable ways of handling anger
Explosive Behavior - Expressed either in word or actions -- Verbal abuse -- Physical abuse - Uncontrolled anger is at the root of both of these
Exploding verbally: - Just as bad as physical – except the scars are on the inside “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” From the book of Proverbs -”Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory bank of our children, friends, family, etc.” - Charles R. Swindol If we constantly make withdrawals, there ends up being a negative balance of emotional strength in memory bank accounts.
Implosive Anger Defined as “a bursting inwards” Motivated out of fear of confrontation; belief that feeling or expressing anger is wrong
Recognizing Implosive Anger: - You can’t see it - Yet, just as destructive as explosive anger - Whereas explosive anger begins with rage and may quickly turn into violence, implosive anger begins with: -- Silence and withdrawal -- Leads to resentment and bitterness -- Eventually, hatred of the person
Implosive Anger is Characterized by Three Behaviors: - Denial - Withdrawal - Brooding - - Practiced by those who believe anger to be wrong
Results of Implosive Anger: -Physiological and Psychological Stress on the angry person --It will hurt you physically and emotionally
Eric threw a rock at Steven after Steven made fun of him. A.Explosive B.Implosive
Blanca never tells people who have made her angry anything pertaining to the incident. She’s afraid to. A.Explosive B.Implosive
Can lead to bitterness – hate – with this type of behavior. A.Explosive B.Implosive
Freddy was very angry at Teddy and said some very hurtful things leaving scars that you can not see with the naked eye. A.Explosive B.Implosive
Now, Redirected Anger - Shows anger toward people not even involved - Usually it’s redirected at family members - Opens a huge can of worms -- More people get angry - innocent people -- When the person you redirected your anger toward gets angry at you, you now get angry at them for being angry at you – “How dare them”
- Confess, agree, and repent, take action to not repeat the wrong Asking For Forgiveness: - The flip side - you wronged someone - You don’t have to wait to be confronted A Very Important Thing!!!!!!!
Think about it this way: “Holding on to resentment – not forgiving – is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” (Forgiveness 101)
- Their anger could be either definitive or distorted - -Will be handled the same way Seven Steps When Responding To An Angry Person: Step 1. Listen Step 2. Listen Step 3. Listen NO KIDDING!
Step 1: The best thing you can do is listen to the angry person - Lets you determine how angry they are - You’re getting some of the basics of the person’s story Step 2: After hearing the angry person’s story once, have them repeat it -- Lets the angry person know that you are taking them seriously - that you want to understand
Step 3: Now that you have listened to their story twice, ask some questions -- Allows you to gather more information to clarify your understanding of the angry person’s situation -- Allows the angry person to get out all of their concerns
Step 4: Seek to understand the angry person’s plight - the reason they’re angry -- Calls for you being empathic -- Try to visualize how you would feel if it were you
Step 5: Express to the angry person your understanding of the situation -- Spoken with kindness in your voice -- Even if the person might have facts wrong, don’t try to correct at this point -- Affirm the person’s feelings of anger
Step 6: Share additional information that may shed light on the subject -- After hearing their story and seeking clarification, you can now modify or challenge their information -- Must be done with respect and empathy
Step 7: Confess any wrongdoing on your part and perform restitution -- If the person’s anger was definitive, you must admit to the wrong and ask for forgiveness -- Restitution means you might owe someone some money or help in some form If their anger was distorted, hopefully at this point they realize it and are asking you for forgiveness
You will never encounter angry people. A.True B.False
The frst three steps in handling an angry person is to just listen. A.True B.False
Which step in handling an angry person still requires you to listen but you can ask questions too? A.Step 1 Listen B.Step 2 Listen C.Step 3 Listen D.Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation – how they feel E.Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation F.Step 6 Share additional information with the angry person G.Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution
This step is where you are being empathic with the angry person. A.Step 1 Listen B.Step 2 Listen C.Step 3 Listen D.Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation – how they feel E.Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation F.Step 6 Share additional information with the angry person G.Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution [
Step might require you to actually pay for or replace something the angry person owned. A.Step 1 Listen B.Step 2 Listen C.Step 3 Listen D.Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation – how they feel E.Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation F.Step 6 Share additional information with the angry person G.Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution
After Maria listened carefully to angry Betty, Maria felt it safe to tell Betty she might be mistaken and give her more information about the situation. A.Step 1 Listen B.Step 2 Listen C.Step 3 Listen D.Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation – how they feel E.Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation F.Step 6 Share additional information with the angry person G.Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution
In Summary, What We Have Covered : - Our response to anger - Two types of anger - Two all important questions - How to make anger productive -- Five steps to handle valid anger (Processing anger)
-- How to process distorted anger - Destructive Responses to Anger - What to do when you are angry at yourself And Last, - What to do when you encounter an angry person