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Understanding Generation ‘Y’ Presented by Kirri Campbell.

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1 Understanding Generation ‘Y’ Presented by Kirri Campbell

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3 WELCOME PARENTS! Who am I? Who am I? What we will be talking about today? What we will be talking about today? Could all the parents with perfect teenagers please leave the room now! Could all the parents with perfect teenagers please leave the room now!

4 ACTIVITY Could all the parents who were perfect as a teenager please stand up?

5 Self-Esteem Generation

6 Comparing Gen ‘X’ to Gen ‘Y’ One pair of jeans One pair of jeans Rode our bike everywhere Rode our bike everywhere Presents only at Christmas Presents only at Christmas Sat together at dinner Sat together at dinner Don’t answer back Don’t answer back We had ‘alone time’ We had ‘alone time’ Have lots of jeans Have lots of jeans Mum drives us everywhere because it’s too dangerous Mum drives us everywhere because it’s too dangerous Presents when we are good or just need something Presents when we are good or just need something 70% of families eat separately (more often than not with the TV on) 70% of families eat separately (more often than not with the TV on)

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8 Communicating with Generation ‘Y’ Understand their interests Understand their interests Be honest Be honest One rule for all One rule for all Negotiate Negotiate Listen Listen Show no judgement Show no judgement Be a role model Be a role model Pick your moment Pick your moment Be calm Be calm Make time to communicate Make time to communicate Set clear boundaries Set clear boundaries Focus on the positive Focus on the positive

9 Teenagers Think Differently

10 Listening Tips Rehearsing: spending your mental energy on preparing what you will say in response Rehearsing: spending your mental energy on preparing what you will say in response Judging: "writing off" a person as stupid or incompetent or uninformed and therefore not paying close attention to what they are saying Judging: "writing off" a person as stupid or incompetent or uninformed and therefore not paying close attention to what they are saying Identifying: relating everything the person says back to yourself so that the conversation becomes focused around you Identifying: relating everything the person says back to yourself so that the conversation becomes focused around you Advising: trying to solve a problem or give advice without finishing listening to what the other person is saying Advising: trying to solve a problem or give advice without finishing listening to what the other person is saying Sparring: being too quick to disagree or create an argument with the speaker Sparring: being too quick to disagree or create an argument with the speaker Derailing: constantly changing the topic of conversation (particularly when you aren’t winning) Derailing: constantly changing the topic of conversation (particularly when you aren’t winning) Dreaming: "checking out" or daydreaming rather than focusing on what the speaker is saying Dreaming: "checking out" or daydreaming rather than focusing on what the speaker is saying Historian: Historian: Bringing up ancient history, stay in the moment, shows that you are listening.

11 How Not to Communicate with Gen ‘Y’ Criticizing Criticizing Commanding Commanding Advising Advising Threatening Threatening Diagnosing Diagnosing Moralising Moralising Reassuring Reassuring Excessive questions Excessive questions Let me tell you my story.. Let me tell you my story.. Question: Are you sure you really have all the right answers?

12 Teenage Priorities Social Hierarchy Social Hierarchy Social life Social life Partners Partners Friends Friends Self Image Self Image Who shall I be today? Who shall I be today? Public Image Public Image How do friends/strangers perceive me? How do friends/strangers perceive me? Need to be viewed as capable and independent (Grown-up) Need to be viewed as capable and independent (Grown-up) Love my family

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14 PHASES OF COMMUNICATION Learning Phase (0-5 years) Learning Phase (0-5 years) Haven’t yet developed language. Haven’t yet developed language. Ie. Tantrums, yelling, crying, etc… Ie. Tantrums, yelling, crying, etc… Independent Phase (6-12 years) Independent Phase (6-12 years) They really want to be independent yet desperately need you as support They really want to be independent yet desperately need you as support Ie. Don’t, I can do it Ie. Don’t, I can do it Roll-the-eyes Phase (13-18 years) Roll-the-eyes Phase (13-18 years) Believe that life is like watching a “Learn to Surf” DVD, then believe that once it is over I will know how to surf! Believe that life is like watching a “Learn to Surf” DVD, then believe that once it is over I will know how to surf! Ie. Yeh, Yeh, I know how to do it! Ie. Yeh, Yeh, I know how to do it!

15 “I” STATEMENTS “You really annoy me when you constantly interrupt me and I want you to stop it now.” VS. “I feel very frustrated when you constantly interrupt me. What I would like is to complete my sentence uninterrupted then listen to your opinion.”

16 Brady Bunch V’s Neighbours The Home and Away Day The Home and Away Day Romance Romance Intrigue Intrigue Sadness Sadness Confrontation Confrontation Conflict Conflict Gossip Gossip Does Home & Away and Neighbours accurately reflect life in the real world?

17 Parenting Styles PARENTAL STYLE PARENTAL ATTITUDE CHILD'S RESPONSE Democratic Accepts child's uniqueness. Accepts child's uniqueness. Encourages child to correct mistakes and develop capacities. Encourages child to correct mistakes and develop capacities. Experiences own strength by conquering difficulties. Experiences own strength by conquering difficulties. Finds satisfaction in achievement and contribution. Finds satisfaction in achievement and contribution. Not afraid to try and fail. Not afraid to try and fail. Over-Indulgent Showers the child with presents, privileges, and services, irrelevant of the child’s needs. Showers the child with presents, privileges, and services, irrelevant of the child’s needs. Child is indifferent and loses initiative. Child is indifferent and loses initiative. Expects everything to come to him. Expects everything to come to him. Sees adults as providers of pleasure and support. Sees adults as providers of pleasure and support. Over-Submissive Makes child the boss, and becomes a slave or servant. Makes child the boss, and becomes a slave or servant. Cannot say no. Cannot say no. Child insists on having his demands fulfilled. Child insists on having his demands fulfilled. Has tantrums, ignores the rights of others, lacks any self control. Has tantrums, ignores the rights of others, lacks any self control.

18 Parenting Styles PARENTAL STYLE PARENTAL ATTITUDE CHILD'S RESPONSE Over-Coercive Constant direction and supervision. Constant direction and supervision. Endless instructions and constant reminders. Endless instructions and constant reminders. Overly strict, tends to drill. Overly strict, tends to drill. Submission: submits to direction. Results in docile obedience. Submission: submits to direction. Results in docile obedience. Active rebellion: overt defiance. Results in verbal refusal. Active rebellion: overt defiance. Results in verbal refusal. Passive resistance: dawdling, daydreaming, forgetting. Results in covert, devious rebellion. Passive resistance: dawdling, daydreaming, forgetting. Results in covert, devious rebellion. Perfectionist Accepts child only when performance is exceptional. Accepts child only when performance is exceptional. Very high standards, impossible to please. Very high standards, impossible to please. Excessive striving and preoccupation with performance. Excessive striving and preoccupation with performance. Cannot meet standards, feels unworthy, may give up (or develop physical symptoms such as ulcers). Cannot meet standards, feels unworthy, may give up (or develop physical symptoms such as ulcers). Excessively Responsible Parents may heap excessive responsibilities on child because of economics, illness or personal problems. Parents may heap excessive responsibilities on child because of economics, illness or personal problems. Child may carry out burden resentfully, missing normal childhood carefree play. Child may carry out burden resentfully, missing normal childhood carefree play.

19 CONFLICT RESOLUTION Assertive Assertive Standing up for yourself and your rights, while respecting others. Standing up for yourself and your rights, while respecting others. Check others’ feelings & come up with collaborative solutions Check others’ feelings & come up with collaborative solutions Aggressive Aggressive Standing up for yourself using violent language and/ or behaviour to dominate the other person Standing up for yourself using violent language and/ or behaviour to dominate the other person Blame, threaten or discount the other person Blame, threaten or discount the other person Passive Passive Allowing those around you to dictate your behaviour; not standing up for yourself Allowing those around you to dictate your behaviour; not standing up for yourself Remember YOU are the Parent! Remember YOU are the Parent!

20 The Teenage Brain What may appear obvious to you is not obvious to a teenager. What may appear obvious to you is not obvious to a teenager. Brain is not finished developing Brain is not finished developing Can’t predict consequences Can’t predict consequences Communication is still cementing Communication is still cementing

21 WHAT IS CHALLENGING? Not registering Not registering Testing boundaries Testing boundaries Troubled Troubled Unimpressed Unimpressed Self-harming Self-harming Lying Lying High phone bills High phone bills Lack of Appreciation Lack of Appreciation Depression Depression Dropping out of School Dropping out of School Older partners Older partners Internet overuse Internet overuse Various Addictions Various Addictions Disobedience Disobedience Disrespect Disrespect

22 Top Three Biggest Mistakes Made By Parents Best Friend Model Does a best friend ground you? Does a best friend ground you? Does a best friend put boundaries on behaviour? Does a best friend put boundaries on behaviour? How do we define “being cool?” How do we define “being cool?”

23 Top Three Biggest Mistakes Made By Parents Consistency Don’t punish yourself when punishing a teen Follow through, follow through, follow through. Make appropriate boundaries and stick to it.

24 Top Three Biggest Mistakes Made By Parents The Let me fix it model Question.... Question.... Are you raising a child or an adult? Answer.... Answer.... An adult, so teach responsibility! Pose questions rather than answers

25 So How Do We Resolve The Challenging Behaviour?

26 Tips… Gold Fish Model (All RSPCA Sympathisers please leave the room now) Gold Fish Model (All RSPCA Sympathisers please leave the room now) Parties Parties Mobile Phones Mobile Phones Messy bedrooms Messy bedrooms Cold Sausages Cold Sausages

27 PREVENTION MODE Suspect that there might be a problem Suspect that there might be a problem Stories not ringing true Stories not ringing true Bad gut feeling Bad gut feeling Not yet in trouble with drugs, alcohol or the police Not yet in trouble with drugs, alcohol or the police

28 WARNING SIGNS SECRETIVE/ GREATER PRIVACY SECRETIVE/ GREATER PRIVACY REGULAR/ SUDDEN ANGER REGULAR/ SUDDEN ANGER MISSING CURFEW MISSING CURFEW CHANGE IN PEER GROUP/IDENTITY CHANGE IN PEER GROUP/IDENTITY STOLEN MONEY STOLEN MONEY MOOD SWINGS MOOD SWINGS DROP IN GRADES DROP IN GRADES EXCESIVE SLEEPING EXCESIVE SLEEPING

29 CRISIS MODE Teen is abusing drugs and or alcohol Teen is abusing drugs and or alcohol Teen has been arrested Teen has been arrested Teen has been kicked out of school Teen has been kicked out of school Teen has left home with no warning Teen has left home with no warning Teen has self-harmed Teen has self-harmed

30 10 THINGS PARENTS FORGET WITH TEENS 1. Lecture rather than discuss 2. Ignore the obvious 3. Not following through on rules and consequences 4. Setting unreasonable goals 5. Pointing out only the negative, expecting only the positive

31 10 THINGS PARENTS FORGET WITH TEENS 6. Leaving the education ‘up to someone else’ 7. Giving up on family time – too much hassle 8. Don’t burdening your teen with your problems. Allow your adolescent to remain a teenager. 9. Not taking the time to know what’s up with adolescents today 10. Fathers believing that parenting is woman’s work.. “Call me when there is a real problem”

32 WHAT TO DO NOW? KEEP THE DOOR OPEN AND ENCOURAGE OPEN COMMUNICATION KEEP THE DOOR OPEN AND ENCOURAGE OPEN COMMUNICATION GET HELP, PHONE ANYONE AND EVERYONE, UNTIL YOU ARE SATISFIED GET HELP, PHONE ANYONE AND EVERYONE, UNTIL YOU ARE SATISFIED MAKE SURE YOU ARE STILL LOOKING AFTER YOU MAKE SURE YOU ARE STILL LOOKING AFTER YOU

33 RESOURCES & QUESTIONS MERCY RECONNECT Triple-P – Positive Parenting Program ( ) Parents Leadership Institute Children, Youth and Women’s Health Centrecare Any Questions?


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