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The Top 10 Rules for Civil Behavior Presented by Tim Tucker Presented by Tim Tucker.

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1 The Top 10 Rules for Civil Behavior Presented by Tim Tucker Presented by Tim Tucker

2 Agenda Theory Introduce Dr. Forni Introduce Dr. Forni Paradigm shift Paradigm shift Call to Action Call to ActionApplication Defined Defined –Notions exercise Principles Principles –Assertion exercise Rules Rules Discussion Discussion

3 P. M. Forni, Ph.D. Teaches Italian literature at Johns Hopkins University Teaches Italian literature at Johns Hopkins University Studied at the University of Venice, the University of Pavia (’74) and UCLA (’81) Studied at the University of Venice, the University of Pavia (’74) and UCLA (’81)

4 Credits P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct, New York, St. Martin’s, 2002 P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct, New York, St. Martin’s, 2002 Robert Bolton, People Skills, New York, Simon & Schuster, 1980 Robert Bolton, People Skills, New York, Simon & Schuster, 1980

5 Paradigm Shift

6 How Can We Be Better People? Tim’s self-help formula Some deficit seems obvious Some deficit seems obvious Usually involves discomfort Usually involves discomfort Works against our preferences Works against our preferences Ends (goals) justify the means Ends (goals) justify the means It’s hard to be successful It’s hard to be successful There is always guilt and it’s easy to quit There is always guilt and it’s easy to quit

7 Civility As A Paradigm Shift Easily overlooked Easily overlooked Awareness as distinguished from effort Awareness as distinguished from effort Kindness is natural Kindness is natural Like unlearning some of the “isms” Like unlearning some of the “isms” Changed my behavior cognitively, dedication more important than work Changed my behavior cognitively, dedication more important than work I don’t think I can go back I don’t think I can go back

8 Call to Action

9 Why Is Civility Important I think we are all experts in civility I think we are all experts in civility I think incivility seems inevitable I think incivility seems inevitable I think we can repossess civility I think we can repossess civility I think we need to I think we need to –For ourselves –For our students I am making a call to action I am making a call to action

10 The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study Random sample of 400 Baltimore area workers with 130 (32.5%) responding Random sample of 400 Baltimore area workers with 130 (32.5%) responding 67% felt society had become less civil in the past year 67% felt society had become less civil in the past year 25% felt the workplace was less civil than a year ago 25% felt the workplace was less civil than a year ago 83% said it was “very important” to work in a civil environment 83% said it was “very important” to work in a civil environment

11 The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study The most agreement of “Uncivil” Workplace Behavior was on the following Taking, without asking, a co-worker’s food Taking, without asking, a co-worker’s food Refusing to work hard on a team project Refusing to work hard on a team project Shifting blame to coworker for mistake Shifting blame to coworker for mistake Reading someone else’s mail Reading someone else’s mail Neglecting to say please/thank you Neglecting to say please/thank you

12 The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study “Violent Workplace Behavior” Pushing a co-worker, heat of argument Pushing a co-worker, heat of argument Yelling at a co-worker Yelling at a co-worker Firing a subordinate, heat of argument Firing a subordinate, heat of argument Harshly criticizing a subordinate in public Harshly criticizing a subordinate in public Using foul language Using foul language

13 The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study Responses to Incivility Discussed outside of workplace (88%) Discussed outside of workplace (88%) Discussed with co-workers (85%) Discussed with co-workers (85%) Contemplated changing jobs (70%) Contemplated changing jobs (70%) Felt less commitment to company (63%) Felt less commitment to company (63%) Confronted the instigator (44%) Confronted the instigator (44%)

14 The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study Effects of Incivility Quality of life drops Quality of life drops Quality of service drops Quality of service drops Quality of product drops Quality of product drops Stress rises Stress rises People feel rushed People feel rushed Accident rates (W/C) rise Accident rates (W/C) rise

15 The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study Cost of Incivility Decreased work effort (37%) Decreased work effort (37%) Work loss due to illness (9%) Work loss due to illness (9%) Healthcare/EAP (13%) Healthcare/EAP (13%) Dr. Forni’s point is that “being good is good for you.” Dr. Forni’s point is that “being good is good for you.”

16 Definitions and Notions

17 Defined From the Latin civitas, city From the Latin civitas, city Life in the city was to have a “civilizing” effect Life in the city was to have a “civilizing” effect

18 How Civil Are We? We are experts We are experts It’s a great message even if the messenger is conflicted It’s a great message even if the messenger is conflicted

19 What Does Civility Mean to You? List the notions List the notions

20 Some Popular Notions of Civility Respect for others Respect for others Care Care Consideration Consideration Kindness Kindness Fairness Fairness Self-control Self-control Tolerance Tolerance Etiquette Etiquette Peace Peace Community Service Community Service Tact Tact Equality Equality Sincerity Honesty Sincerity Honesty Awareness Awareness Trustworthiness Trustworthiness Listening Listening Compassion Compassion Abiding by rules Abiding by rules

21 Civility is in the Realm of Ethics According to Dr. Forni Being civil means being constantly aware of others….” Being civil means being constantly aware of others….” Civility is benevolent and thoughtful relating to others Civility is benevolent and thoughtful relating to others Civility includes the well-being of our communities, and the Civility includes the well-being of our communities, and the Health of the planet Health of the planet

22 Examples Interpersonal Interpersonal Community Community Environment Environment

23 Interpersonal Please and Thank you Please and Thank you Lowering our voices Lowering our voices Considering our response Considering our response Acknowledging a newcomer to the conversation Acknowledging a newcomer to the conversation Listening to understand and help Listening to understand and help Acknowledging our mistakes Acknowledging our mistakes Disagreeing with poise Disagreeing with poise

24 Community Welcome a new neighbor Welcome a new neighbor Respect those who differ from us Respect those who differ from us Refuse to participate in gossip Refuse to participate in gossip Raise funds for a neighborhood Raise funds for a neighborhood Stand on the right of an escalator Stand on the right of an escalator Make new coffee after taking last cup Make new coffee after taking last cup Yield with grace when losing argument Yield with grace when losing argument

25 Environment Proper disposal of pollutants Proper disposal of pollutants Proper disposal of trash left by someone else Proper disposal of trash left by someone else Following traffic laws (safety, courtesy) Following traffic laws (safety, courtesy) Kindness to animals Kindness to animals Turning out the lights Turning out the lights Turning off the faucet Turning off the faucet

26 Principles and Assertion

27 Principles Relationship Relationship Respect Respect Self-expression Self-expression Restraint Restraint Assertion Assertion

28 Appeal To The Best in People Building relationships Building relationships Consider the feelings of others Consider the feelings of others Consider the comfort of others Consider the comfort of others Treat others the best way we know how Treat others the best way we know how

29 Respect in Action The “everyday practice” of “respect for persons.” The “everyday practice” of “respect for persons.” “Harmonious and caring relationships foster a happy life.” “Harmonious and caring relationships foster a happy life.”

30 Civility and Self- Expression “Restraint offers a space between intention and action and the opportunity to protect others from actions or reactions that should exist only in your imagination.” “Restraint offers a space between intention and action and the opportunity to protect others from actions or reactions that should exist only in your imagination.” Stephanie Dowrick

31 Restraint “Sometimes we confuse having fun with being happy.” “Sometimes we confuse having fun with being happy.” “Restraint is the art of feeling good later” “Restraint is the art of feeling good later” –Do I really want to do this? –Is anybody going to be hurt by this? –Will I like having done this?

32 Assertion Message (Robert Bolton, 1982) Is it in my space? Is it in my space? Using non-polarized (charged, value- laden) words, describe the behavior Using non-polarized (charged, value- laden) words, describe the behavior And, tell how it made you feel And, tell how it made you feel (State the cost/impact, if identifiable) (State the cost/impact, if identifiable) Repeat, if necessary Repeat, if necessary

33 Assertion Exercises The driver of a car parked next to you bumps your door The driver of a car parked next to you bumps your door A presentation runs over A presentation runs over Your boss makes a highly challenging assignment and you are already busy Your boss makes a highly challenging assignment and you are already busy Your child bounces in your favorite chair until it breaks Your child bounces in your favorite chair until it breaks A group of students are noisy in the halls when you are giving a tour A group of students are noisy in the halls when you are giving a tour

34 Rules In the texts of all religions In the texts of all religions Renaissance ideals Renaissance ideals Philosophy works Philosophy works Self-help books Self-help books Forni condenses these into 25 “rules” Forni condenses these into 25 “rules”

35 “Top 10”

36 1. Pay Attention Awareness of surroundings, students colleagues Awareness of surroundings, students colleagues What is or could be happening? What is or could be happening? How will we make it different? How will we make it different? Ex: Salt shaker Ex: Salt shaker

37 2. Acknowledge Others We monitor our relationships We monitor our relationships The invisibility game dismisses the presence of others The invisibility game dismisses the presence of others Ex: Cutting in a line Ex: Cutting in a line

38 3. Think The Best What do we expect? What do we expect? Goodness Goodness Honesty Honesty Could the young man standing in front of the large home own it? Could the young man standing in front of the large home own it? Tempered with the realism that your opinions can change Tempered with the realism that your opinions can change

39 4. Listen How much time do we have for each other? How much time do we have for each other? Value the messenger Value the messenger –Pay attention Value the message Value the message –Make sure we understand

40 Active Listening Make listening the goal of the moment Make listening the goal of the moment Demonstrate your attention Demonstrate your attention –Eye contact –Reflection –Restatement Co-operative Co-operative –Separating priorities –Critical thinking, concluding questions

41 6. Speak Kindly At the heart of civil behavior At the heart of civil behavior Improves the lives around us Improves the lives around us Are our words an improvement over silence? Are our words an improvement over silence? Permit others to speak in turn Permit others to speak in turn Be aware of your non-verbals Be aware of your non-verbals Never yell at anybody Never yell at anybody Never use profanities Never use profanities

42 7. Don’t Speak Ill “Nobody ever gossips about other people’s secret virtues.” Bertrand Russell “Nobody ever gossips about other people’s secret virtues.” Bertrand Russell “Politics on campus are so fierce because the stakes are so small.” George Brelsford, Rowan University “Politics on campus are so fierce because the stakes are so small.” George Brelsford, Rowan University Response: Depart, silence, defend, challenge Response: Depart, silence, defend, challenge

43 11. Mind Your Body Remember non-verbal communication Remember non-verbal communication We can offend with our bodies We can offend with our bodies Is our cologne a problem? Is our cologne a problem? Keep fingers at a safe distance from your mouth, ears and nose. Keep fingers at a safe distance from your mouth, ears and nose. Keep your mouth closed when chewing Keep your mouth closed when chewing Never spit Never spit Don’t scratch yourself Don’t scratch yourself

44 13. Keep it Down (and Rediscover Silence) Thinking about silence as a choice, not as a void waiting to be filled Thinking about silence as a choice, not as a void waiting to be filled About preserving another’s peace About preserving another’s peace TV, CD’s, Cell phones, computers, leaf blowers, car horns, TV, CD’s, Cell phones, computers, leaf blowers, car horns, Places of worship, libraries, restaurants, theaters Places of worship, libraries, restaurants, theaters Campus, office, halls, classrooms Campus, office, halls, classrooms

45 17. Assert Yourself Expect to be treated in a civil manner Expect to be treated in a civil manner Saying “no” to someone may be saying “yes” to yourself Saying “no” to someone may be saying “yes” to yourself No phrases: No, thank you. No, thank you. No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. No, It’s not what I had in mind. No, It’s not what I had in mind. No, I’m not comfortable with that. No, I’m not comfortable with that.

46 19. Care for Your Guests Guests need not earn our hospitality Guests need not earn our hospitality What is the ethic of care in our offices? What is the ethic of care in our offices? What expectations do we have of staff? What expectations do we have of staff? How important are the people we work with? How important are the people we work with? Guests can feel “at home” when expected to take care of themselves. Guests can feel “at home” when expected to take care of themselves.

47 Critical Thinking Arrival Arrival

48 Is formality suspicious? Is formality suspicious? What is the state of altruism? What is the state of altruism? How prevalent is restraint today? How prevalent is restraint today? Is achievement at odds with civility? Is achievement at odds with civility? What happens if we wait for civility? What happens if we wait for civility?

49 The Rest of the Rules

50 5. Be Inclusive A mindset How long have we held our beliefs? How long have we held our beliefs? Choose conversation topics that can be enjoyed by all Choose conversation topics that can be enjoyed by all Summarize for a newcomer Summarize for a newcomer Welcome a new neighbor Welcome a new neighbor Develop and demonstrate an interest in other cultures Develop and demonstrate an interest in other cultures

51 8. Accept and Give Praise A compliment is a gift, accepted with thanks A compliment is a gift, accepted with thanks Assume that your feelings are unknown Assume that your feelings are unknown Pass them along Pass them along Word them specifically, with meaning Word them specifically, with meaning Make them sincere Make them sincere Keep them simple Keep them simple Avoid complimenting appearance Avoid complimenting appearance

52 9. Respect Even a Subtle “No” “No” can be an answer “No” can be an answer “No” is not always explicit “No” is not always explicit Avoid using our power to get a “yes” Avoid using our power to get a “yes” Care enough about others not to make our problem theirs Care enough about others not to make our problem theirs

53 10. Respect Others’ Opinions Tolerate opinions that differ from ours, give them a fair hearing Tolerate opinions that differ from ours, give them a fair hearing Assume that the opinion of others may differ from our own (politics) Assume that the opinion of others may differ from our own (politics) Attacking an opinion may be viewed as a personal attack Attacking an opinion may be viewed as a personal attack Is our campus a safe place to express an opinion? Is our campus a safe place to express an opinion?

54 12. Be Agreeable Have regard for others Have regard for others Look for possibilities of agreement Look for possibilities of agreement Consider that you might be wrong Consider that you might be wrong Admit that you don’t know (or that you don’t have all the information you need) Admit that you don’t know (or that you don’t have all the information you need) Practice the art of receiving Practice the art of receiving

55 14. Respect Other People’s Time The time of others is as valuable as yours The time of others is as valuable as yours Arrive on time, do not hold friends hostage Arrive on time, do not hold friends hostage Keep telephone calls brief Keep telephone calls brief Use call-waiting sparingly Use call-waiting sparingly Respect deadlines Respect deadlines Don’t cut short a scheduled meeting for the sake of your convenience Don’t cut short a scheduled meeting for the sake of your convenience

56 15. Respect Other People’s Space Where is it? Be aware of their reaction Where is it? Be aware of their reaction Keep touching to a minimum Keep touching to a minimum Ask permission before entering Ask permission before entering No tailgating No tailgating Avoid picking up objects and examining them in a home or office Avoid picking up objects and examining them in a home or office Avoid reading faxes, computer screens Avoid reading faxes, computer screens Keep your articles off desktops of others Keep your articles off desktops of others

57 16. Apologize Earnestly A sincere apology statement A sincere apology statement –Identifies what we did –Acknowledges it was wrong –Conveys that we understand the effect –Is not an excuse It is not a way to explain away inappropriate behavior It is not a way to explain away inappropriate behavior It may not be immediately well- received It may not be immediately well- received

58 18. Avoid Personal Questions Exercise discretion, hesitate to ask Exercise discretion, hesitate to ask Religion, politics, money, relationships, health and appearance are private Religion, politics, money, relationships, health and appearance are private We can object when privacy is threatened We can object when privacy is threatened –“I prefer not to discuss personal matters.” –“This is not the time or place for this discussion.” –“I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.” Avoid volunteering the same information Avoid volunteering the same information

59 20. Be a Considerate Guest Leave your host’s space as undisturbed as possible Leave your host’s space as undisturbed as possible Respect your host’s time and workload Respect your host’s time and workload Treat your host’s work space like a home Treat your host’s work space like a home We are guests when we stay in a hotel We are guests when we stay in a hotel

60 21. Think Twice Before Asking for Favors Questions to ask Do I need to ask this favor? Do I need to ask this favor? Is the favor ethical? Is the favor ethical? Does the favor put a third person at a disadvantage? Does the favor put a third person at a disadvantage? Would I be comfortable granting the favor? Would I be comfortable granting the favor? Can I return the favor? Can I return the favor?

61 22. Refrain from Idle Complaints Avoid chronic complaining Avoid chronic complaining Choose a positive workplace Choose a positive workplace A civil workplace is good for the workers A civil workplace is good for the workers Examine your chronic complaints and expunge them at the rate of one a month Examine your chronic complaints and expunge them at the rate of one a month

62 23. Accept and Give Constructive Criticism Listen to criticism. Is it valid? It is probably not abuse. Can we learn about ourselves? Listen to criticism. Is it valid? It is probably not abuse. Can we learn about ourselves? Think about what can be learned instead of building defenses Think about what can be learned instead of building defenses Provide criticism to help with a problem, not to humiliate Provide criticism to help with a problem, not to humiliate Use assertion techniques Use assertion techniques “Sandwich” the message “Sandwich” the message

63 24. Respect the Environment and be Gentle to Animals What is your work-space like? What is your work-space like? –Free of litter –Recycling practiced –Resources conserved Is there emotional wellness? Is there emotional wellness? –Kindness –Patience –Reception

64 25.Don’t Shift Responsibility and Blame About the combination of self-respect and respect for others About the combination of self-respect and respect for others Apologies are made without rationales Apologies are made without rationales Acknowledge the mistake or inappropriate behavior Acknowledge the mistake or inappropriate behavior Remember the assertion exercise Remember the assertion exercise


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