1. Trying To Survive

2. Introduction With the shift in traditional marriages, a significant number do not have the role models or patterns that were so apparent in previous generations.

3. Introduction Currently – 9 definitions of “family” Disruptions in home life due to: SeparationDivorceLive-ins Single Parent Families Blended Families Foster/Adoptive Homes Addictions Mental Health Issues Incarceration Prolonged Illnesses Parents Trying To Be Teens

4. Introduction The result: Many enter marriage without a clear model or practical experience. – Older family members are not present or available to guide and direct. – Thus, some couples just “make it up” on their own and hope for the best. – Without a plan or vision, the people perish. – Survival can result in the development of unhealthy role development.

5. Introduction Ohio couple (“just like daddy did” “momma did”). – How does one learn how to be a husband, wife, mate, and parent? – Socialization process – humans are “the great imitators.”

6. Introduction Pink Elephants: – Skirting Anger – Addiction – Resentment – Regret – Frustration – Controlling Mate – Frigidity

7. Introduction This lesson concerns itself with taking charge of areas that must be navigated so a home can function in a healthy way.

8. The Big 12 Areas Of Conflict Finances Finances Kids Kids Sex Sex Schedules Schedules Chores Chores Friends Friends Habits Habits Family Family Expectations Expectations Personality Conflicts Personality Conflicts Family Communication Family Communication Past Conflict Past Conflict

9. The Big 12 Areas Of Conflict Each of these is a potential area of ongoing conflict AND a potential area of opportunity for learning, growth, harmony or chaos, stress and misery. The choice is yours.

10. The Big 12 Areas Of Conflict Each of these is a potential area of ongoing conflict AND a potential area of opportunity for learning, growth, harmony or chaos, stress and misery. – Assume you may be able to let go of an opinion, judgment, expectation or belief (non-biblical) that could create harmony in any of these areas.

11. The Big 12 Areas Of Conflict There is no growth without change!

12. Possible Solutions Finances: – Sit down and work out a budget. – Agree to take a look at expenses every month. – Pre-arrange a meeting and come to the table with 100% transparency with a goal of being practical, not emotional.

13. Possible Solutions Finances: – What does a Christian family’s budget look like? (God first – Mt. 6:33; Family care- 1 Tim. 5:8; Charity – Eph. 4:28ff; Enjoyment – Eccl. 3:13) – Involves stewardship

14. Possible Solutions Kids: – Turn conflict into communication. – “I need your help figuring how to deal with this…” Sex : – Schedule time for romance and “togetherness”. – Start before either becomes exhausted (1 Cor. 7).

15. Possible Solutions Schedules : – No TV or phone during meals. – Dedicate 30 minutes each evening to “conversation with coffee”. “My priorities”, “His/her priorities”, “our priorities.”

16. Possible Solutions Chores : – Agree on what is required and needed. – Assign by chore or by area (for example: yard, car, outside are his – laundry, clean house are hers – cooking and paying bills are both).

17. Possible Solutions Friends : – Why is this an issue? – Gossip/tale bearing? – Dominates time? – Bad habits? – Note: Those who have an affair tend to have one with spouses’ best friend. Be careful!

18. Possible Solutions Habits : – Are the habits sinful? Or, just aggravating/annoying. – Positive/negative reinforcements. Family : – Marriage involves “leaving father and mother and cleaving…”

19. Possible Solutions Expectations: – “Behold, I thought”. – Are expectations openly discussed and agreed upon?

20. Possible Solutions Personality Conflicts : – Deep seated personality styles take time to change. – Discuss and come to agreement on changes. Reward small changes.

21. Possible Solutions Personality Conflicts : – Be supportive – at least 2 people need to change when addressing these. – One changes the habit – the other becomes more tolerant.

22. Possible Solutions Family Communication: – Family dinner table exercise. – Problem focused vs solution focused. – Strength based solutions.

23. Possible Solutions Past Conflict : Past Conflict : – Make a rule “never argue historically”. – Do not use the past as a weapon. – “You are not the same person any more – and neither is your spouse.”

24. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 1. Sincerely commit your lives to Jesus Christ as Lord. 2. Consider the marriage a life-long commitment, just as Christ is eternally committed to His bride, the Church.

25. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 3. Agree to always listen to each other’s feelings, even if you disagree with the appropriateness of them. 4. Commit yourselves to both honesty and acceptance.

26. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 5. Determine to love each other unconditionally, with each partner assuming 100% of the responsibility for resolving major conflicts (50/50 seldom works). 6. Consider all the factors in a conflict before bringing it up with your mate.

27. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 7. Confess any personal sin in the conflict to Christ and to each other as part of confronting the issue (James 5:16; 1 John 1:9). 8. Limit the conflict to the here and now – never bring up past failures which should have been forgiven already.

28. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 9. Eliminate the follow phrases from your vocabulary: “You never”, “You always”, “I can’t”, “I’ll try” in place of “I will”, “You should” or “You shouldn’t” (these are parent-to-child statements). 10. Limit the discussion to the one issue that is the center of the conflict.

29. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 11. Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other. 12. Ask your mate if he/she would like some time to think about the conflict before discussing (Eph. 4:26).

30. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 13. Each mate should use “I feel” messages (Ex. “I feel angry toward you for coming home late for supper without calling me first”). 14. Never say anything derogatory about your mate’s personality (Prov. 11:12 “he who belittles lacks sense”).

31. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 15. Even when your mate is not correct, consider your mate an instrument of God, working in your life (Prov. 12:1 – “He who hates reproof is stupid”). 16. Never counterattack, even if your mate does not follow these guidelines.

32. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 17. Stick to how you feel about what the issue is. 18. You are not a mind reader. Ask for clarification on what is being said. Try summarizing/paraphrasing as a form of feedback.

33. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 19. Commit yourselves to dealing with anger biblically (Eph. 4:26). 20. Be honest about your true emotions, but keep them under control (Prov. 29:11 – “A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back”; Prov. 15:18 “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention”).

34. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 21. Remember that resolution of the conflict is the goal, not who wins or loses. If conflict is resolved, both win. You are on the same team, not opposing, competing teams. This goes back to Mission Statements.

35. Ground Rules For Resolving Conflicts In Marriage 22. Agree with each other on what topics are “out of bounds” because they are too hurtful or have already been discussed (ex. In-laws, continued obesity, etc.). 23. Pray about each conflict before discussing it with your mate.

36. Conclusion It is unnatural for unity to happen (Eph. 4:1-3; 4:31-33). It is unnatural for unity to happen (Eph. 4:1-3; 4:31-33). When two lives blend there are multiple priorities that each must juggle. Consideration, love and respect is mutually required.

37. Conclusion Husband is to “dwell with his wife according to knowledge” “giving honor” (1 Peter 3:7). The low road leads to deviant behavior. Take the high road.