W HO KNOWS THIS STORY ? W HY DO YOU THINK IT HAPPENED ?
S HE PROBABLY DIDN ’ T START OUT DATING AN ABUSIVE MAN ! It may have started with jealousy Then controlling behavior Then verbal and emotional abuse, which is far more common among young people than is physical violence If nothing is done about these things it then might escalate to pushing, pinching, slapping, and punching.
E ARLY WARNING SIGNS YOUR PARTNER MAY BECOME ABUSIVE They may criticize, humiliate, or yell at you Embarrass you in front of friends or family Acts excessively jealous and possessive Keep you from seeing family and friends Have a bad and unpredictable temper Threaten you with physical violence Alcohol and drug use
S TATISTICS 1 in 11 adolescents reports being a victim of physical dating violence. 1 in 4 reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual violence each year. 1 in 5 reports being a victim of emotional violence. 1 in 5 high school girls has been physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.
C HARACTERISTICS OF SOMEONE WHO MAY BECOME AN ABUSER Low self-esteem Use of threats or violence to solve problems Inability to manage anger or frustration Poor social skills Association with violent friends Problems at school Witnessing abuse at home Lack of parental supervision www.CDC.gov
H OW TO TELL IF A FRIEND IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP Unexplained bruises, scratches, or injuries You friend seems fearful of their significant other Their behavior, mood, personality and/or appearance may suddenly change Frequent absences from school Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness Isolation from family and friends Depression, crying, and/or low self-esteem
W HAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP A FRIEND YOU SUSPECT MAY BE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP Talk to your friend about your concerns Give them the resources you get today Talk to a teacher, counselor, or social worker Remember your not trying to betray them but you’re trying to save their life.
W HAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP ? *Always call 911 if it’s an emergency! Talk to your parents about it *Talk to a teacher, a counselor or even your doctor *MN Coalition for battered women hotline 651-646-0994 *Stop youth violence hotline 1-866-safeyouth (1-866-723-3968) *National domestic violence hotline 1-800-799- SAFE (1-800-799-7233) *Cornerstone 952-884-0330
WE TALKED ABOUT ABUSE IN DATING RELATIONSHIPS, BUT THERE ARE OTHER KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS TOO… Friends Family Casual (peers, neighbors, outside acquaintances)
A RELATIONSHIP CAN BE UN-HEALTHY EVEN IF IT IS NOT ABUSIVE. WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS OF AN UN-HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AND WHAT CAN BE DONE TO MAKE IT HEALTHIER?
1: C RITICISM Blaming and attacking your partner’s personality and character. “You’re stupid” “You are an awful driver with a horrible sense of direction”
1. C RITICISM : R EMEDY Begin your complaints with the word “I” Don’t generalize; focus on the specific behavior or event that bothers you. “I felt sad when I didn’t receive a card from you on my birthday.” “I’m upset about not making the team.” I
2. C ONTEMPT Insults, name calling, mockery and actions that abuse your partner psychologically. It makes a partner feel belittled and unloved. Eye rolling during conversation Harsh tone “You’re a jerk” Sarcasm: “You’re SOOO smart.”
2. C ONTEMPT : R EMEDY Take responsibility for your role in the problems and conflicts. Apologize; listen to your partner even if you don’t agree. “I’m sorry I was sarcastic. Tell me why you’re upset.” “I know I didn’t get to see you yesterday as promised. Let’s make plans for this weekend.”
3. D EFENSIVENESS Making excuses, whining, answering your partner’s complaints with your own, making assumptions about your partner’s thinking. “But I couldn’t help missing your birthday.” “It’s not my fault!” “Well, if I’m stupid, you’re DUMB!” “You just want me to be mad.”
3. D EFENSIVENESS : R EMEDY Take time to calm down, interrupt negative thinking and feelings of victimization or righteous indignation. Remember that your partner’s negative qualities don’t cancel out the positives. Take a 10 second deep breath. “Let’s take a break and come back to this argument in 10 minutes.”
4. S TONEWALLING Distancing yourself from your partner by being unresponsive, acting cold, smug, superior. Lack of eye contact Closed body language Ignoring “Whatever you say.”
4. S TONEWALLING : R EMEDY Don’t run from your partner’s anger; it’s an attempt to get your attention. Be alert to your negative inner script. Find ways to let them know you’re listening. “I see you’re upset. Tell me why.” Eye contact “I want to listen but maybe we should come back to this when I can be attentive.”
RELATIONSHIPS TAKE TIME, ENERGY, AND CARE TO MAKE THEM HEALTHY, BUT WHAT ARE SOME OTHER INGREDIENTS IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
C OMMUNICATION AND S HARING You can express yourself You are honest with the other person and they are honest with you You are able to talk with the other person openly You can share your opinion with the other person and feel like it will be respected, even if they do not agree You can share your feelings with the other person You share common interests You can turn to the other person for support
R ESPECT AND T RUST You respect one another for who you are When one of you is upset, you feel safe enough to talk things out in a respectful way You respect one another’s boundaries (i.e.: “I can’t make a decision right now, I need time to think” or “Please don’t tease me in that way.”) You trust one another
S O HOW CAN YOU CREATE AND MAINTAIN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ? T HINK A,B,C…
A IS FOR A WARENESS … Awareness means knowing: 1. YOURSELF—Who am I and what do I like? What is important to me? What do I value? What are my boundaries? 2. THE OTHER PERSON—Who are they and what do they like? What is important to them? What do they value? What are their boundaries 3. THE RELATIONSHIP—What makes the relationship work? What purpose does the relationship serve? What are the boundaries? Awareness is also knowing the of the consequences of unhealthy relationships and recognizing the danger signs
B IS FOR B ALANCE … Being in sync with the other person and not having the relationship be one sided—where one person has more power or control than the other Communication is key for staying in balance –it involves listening to one another and valuing one another’s opinions Maintaining your own activities and interests— sharing common interests is important, but in order for a relationship to be balanced, it is important to take the time to do things that you like to do, even if the other person does not enjoy those same things—by adopting all of the person’s favorite things, hobbies and lifestyle, the relationship can become unbalanced and unbalanced usually equals unhealthy
C IS FOR C ONSCIOUS C HOICES … Making conscious choices includes being able to decide what your response will be to a given situation to make sure that things don’t “just happen” (i.e. sex, drugs, gang activity, etc.) It also means being able to take control and assert yourself and your needs (e.g. “I can’t go out with you tonight because I need to study so I don’t fail my exam tomorrow” or, “I’m not ready to have sex right now.”) Making conscious choices an also include knowing when a relationship is unhealthy and making the decision to end the relationship.