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Hold Me Tight® Workshop Presented by: **** Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson Graphic Design by Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen.

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Presentation on theme: "Hold Me Tight® Workshop Presented by: **** Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson Graphic Design by Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen."— Presentation transcript:

1 Hold Me Tight® Workshop Presented by: **** Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson Graphic Design by Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen

2 Goals To help you understand: Love Emotions/Needs Learn, and stop your negative “Dance” © Sue Johnson 2010

3 Couples

4 Gottman and colleagues found that the degree of emotional connection between intimate partners is a predictor for marital stability. (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson 1998)

5 We Need It makes us vulnerable It does not go away just because we grow up.

6 The defining element is how we deal with our vulnerability Pull people close Push people away Turn away

7 We need someone to talk to as much as we need fire and water. If we don’t have them we create them.

8 As we are closer we are stronger Conflict Depression Anxiety Susceptibility to shock, stress and pain Self- awareness Other- awareness Problem solving Flexibility Curiosity

9 Having a loved one hold your hand really does take the hurt away

10 Jim Coan: Social BaselineTheory

11 The people we love are the "hidden regulators" of our bodily processes and our emotional lives – Sue Johnson "Hold Me Tight"

12 Secure Attachment is a Neural Duet

13 Effective Dependency The level of emotional responsiveness that defines how we respond to stress.

14 A.R.E. Accessibility Responsiveness Engagement

15 Can I reach you? Do I matter? ACCESSIBILITY

16 Can I depend on you? Will you come when I call? RESPONSIVENESS

17 Are you emotionally present? Do you share? Will you keep me close? ENGAGEMENT

18 A.R.E. questions are often hidden in content issues A lasting, fulling, secure, in- love relationship is entirely possible if we have a map.

19 It’s impossible to create a sentiment of tenderness by any process of reasoning. Marilyn Yalom

20 Good Morning

21 Attachment Review

22 A.R.E. Questionnaire A.R.E. You There? A - Accessible R - Responsive E - Engaged (Present)

23 Sue Johnson

24 Primal Panic

25 Still Face and Protest

26 And What They Need How people get stuck

27 Secondary Emotion/ Reactive - Turn Up or Turn Down Primary Emotion/Vulnerable, Softer, Universal Getting the Pattern and the Pain

28 With Primary Emotion Revealed A Couple Interaction

29 Attachment Perspective A Map for Loving Stable Relationships A Model for a Secure Bond attachment care taking sexuality

30 5 Conversations Demon Dialogue Raw Spots Rocky Moments Forgiving Injuries Hold Me Tight

31 Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue

32 How Love Goes Wrong 1. We get stuck in Demon Dialogues when we don’t understand: the nature of love our own needs our impact on our partner the confusing/distorted signals we often send

33 How Love Goes Wrong: The Demon Dialogues How Love Goes Wrong Misses or mis- attunements are inevitable. 2. We don’t re-attune and see the game.

34 3. Negative Spirals 4. Enemy to Secure Connection 5. Reach/Risk - Respond If missing then negative strategies are being used. How Love Goes Wrong

35 Conversation One Overview Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue Stop: Anger/ D istance

36 Find the Bad Guy Freeze and Flee Protest Polka Three Habitual Dances

37 Where did this start? Black & White Anger Both trapped Stuck in Content Find the Bad Guy

38 Find the Bad Guy Spiral the more dangerous you appear the more I watch my back the harder I hit back The more you attack,

39 Freeze and Flee Mutual Withdrawal Strangers - parallel live Prelude to detachment

40 Freeze and Flee Spiral The more I hold back and shutdown my feelings The more careful and distant you become The more distant you are The more I go into my shell and chill out

41 Protest Polka Most Common Disconnection protest Needs hidden Unclear signals

42 Protest Polka Spiral the more I pursue (complain, demand, instruct criticize) the more dangerous I appear the more you move away (shut-down, defend, dismiss) the more dangerous (uncaring/inaccessible) you appear the more I try to get through

43 Do you pull your partner into this spiral?

44 Pursuing Partners I’m dying here. I’m shut out. My feelings don’t matter. It’s lonelier than living alone. By myself. Dismissed. I get no response. I yell to get a response, any response. I don’t matter to.... We’re roommates.

45 Withdrawing Partners I never get it right - can’t please. I try to FIX it - doesn’t work. I give up, space out. Best to avoid a fight - try to keep things calm. I’m failing here. Paralyzed. No point. Go behind my wall. Numb out.

46 Safe emotional engagement is the only “solution” to this problem.

47 Introduction to HMT Couple

48 Video Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue Your spouse’s negativity.... leaves you shell shocked. You feel so defenseless you’re left with the most reflexive, least sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical) or flee (stonewall). Any chance of resolving the issue is gone.

49 Video Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue

50 Exercise Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue

51 Conversation Two - Overview Finding the Raw Spots Sensitivities We all have them

52 Vulnerability Comes with Love Choice: How to deal with it? Security - share, soothe, trust deepens More Insecure - Emotion UP or OFF, hit each other’s raw spots

53 ZING

54 Goal: Pinpoint the attachment vulnerabilities, the deeper attachment feelings that trigger Demon Dialogues.

55 Universal Raw Spots Trigger Alarm Fight/Flight Helplessness Deprived -> Deserted Deprived -> Rejected

56 To Show Ourselves Takes Courage Emotions are fast - if disorganized - confused - off balance. Signals get scrambled. We show nothing which is reactive shut down (protect)or We show reactive anger (more control)

57 Hard to Tune Into Raw Spot Emotions are FAST We pick up on secondary coping responses.

58 When a Raw Spot is Hit Radical shift in emotional tone Response may seem out of proportion When off balance - instant survival mode - step into spiral Often no map - out of control - feelings themselves get scary or cue shame.

59 What we do in moments of disconnection is key Emotion is the music of the attachment dance.

60 Video Introduction to HMT Couple

61 Video Conversation 2 Finding the Raw Spots

62 Video 2 Conversation 2 Finding the Raw Spots

63 Unpacking the Raw Spot Cue/Trigger Body Feeling Inner Dialogue (catastrophe) Action fight/flee or move close/move away Surface feeling your partner sees Raw deeper emotion

64 EXERCISE Conversation Two Sensitivities We all have them

65 Conversation 3 Revisiting a Rocky Moment © Sue Johnson 2010

66 Focus is on Repairing rifts Rising above the negative cycle Reframing the cycle as the enemy - not your partner © Sue Johnson 2010

67 Key Steps See spiral. Call it. Stop it. © Sue Johnson 2010

68 Key Steps See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves © Sue Johnson 2010

69 Key Steps See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions © Sue Johnson 2010

70 Key Steps See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared. © Sue Johnson 2010

71 Key Steps See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared. Supportively share your softer emotions © Sue Johnson 2010

72 Key Steps See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared. Supportively share your softer emotions Find an exit, comfort each other © Sue Johnson 2010

73 Key Steps See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared. Supportively share your softer emotions Find an exit, comfort each other Recreate a secure base © Sue Johnson 2010

74 Group Reading What is Arwen and Blair’s main Demon Dialogue? What role do each play? (p/w) What are Arwen’s underlying raw spot emotions? Blair’s? How do they take control? What happens when they do? Can you imagine doing this? © Sue Johnson 2010

75 EXERCISE Conversation Three © Sue Johnson 2010

76 Conversation Forgiving Injuries © Sue Johnson 2010

77 Presence - not perfection We will hurt those we love. It’s how we deal with this that matters. © Sue Johnson 2010

78 What is hurt? Reactive Anger Sadness Fear Rejection Abandonment

79 Unanswered Calls Relationship Traumas involve disconnection at moments of high: Fragility Need Loss Illness Trauma Uncertainty © Sue Johnson 2010

80 Key Injuries Relationship Traumas involve disconnection at moments of high need. Destroy Safety Destroy Trust Abandonment and Betrayal = NEVER AGAIN © Sue Johnson 2010

81 Make negative cycles worse or create them Can’t dismiss Can’t go around Time does not heal MUST GO THROUGH © Sue Johnson 2010

82 Only one kind of apology works © Sue Johnson 2010

83 Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 1. Wounded one distills and discloses the pain - what it is © Sue Johnson 2010

84 Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 2. Other tunes in, accepts the hurt. Openly shares how their hurtful actions evolved. © Sue Johnson 2010

85 Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 3. Wounded one shares the core of the hurt. Not blaming or defining the other. © Sue Johnson 2010

86 Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 4. Other now apologizes. Expresses real remorse - regret, sadness, shame. You’re pain, hurts me. © Sue Johnson 2010

87 Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 5. Wounded one can now ask for comfort. The connection that was and is missed. © Sue Johnson 2010

88 Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 6. Partner provides the antidote. I am here now. © Sue Johnson 2010

89 Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 7. Together create a story of healing. New view of the relationship. © Sue Johnson 2010

90 Powerful Apologies KEY MESSAGES Your hurt: is legitimate/understand able impacts me - I care about it. I feel sorrow, regret shame that I hurt you. I am here now © Sue Johnson 2010

91 Powerful Apologies There is a right moment to forgive. We can not predict it in advance, we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives. Don’t do it quickly but don’t wait too long...if we wait too long, our rage settles in and claims squatters rights to our souls. © Sue Johnson 2010

92 Video © Sue Johnson 2010

93 Ask Yourself Do you have relational hurts that keep echoing back? © Sue Johnson 2010

94 Ask Yourself Can you help your partner understand the key emotional part of this hurt without blaming? © Sue Johnson 2010

95 Ask Yourself When you listen, can you hear your partner’s hurt and let it touch you? © Sue Johnson 2010

96 Ask Yourself Can you express regret, asking how you can help to heal this hurt? © Sue Johnson 2010

97 EXERCISE Forgiveness Conversation © Sue Johnson 2010

98 EXERCISE Forgiveness 1. Hurt partner describes pain in attachment terms - “Never again” 2. Other acknowledges the hurt partner’s pain and their part in it 3. Injured one risks, shares deeper feelings – terrible conclusions 4. Other owns impact of his/her actions, expresses “real” remorse - I care about your pain. Your pain is legitimate I feel regret / shame at my actions. I am here now 5. Hurt partner expresses fears and needs alive in the injury - A Hold Me Tight conversation. 6. Other now responds - offers safe haven. Emotional presence heals. 7. Together, the couple create a new healing story. © Sue Johnson 2010

99 Hold Me Tight Conversation 5 Becoming Open and Responsive © Sue Johnson 2010

100 A.R.E. A positive cycle that creates safety and connection. © Sue Johnson 2010

101 When we can have this conversation we can: Recover from distress (EFT research) Grow trust - create safe haven/secure base Turn on cuddle hormone Access skills, be flexible Be more assertive and confiding © Sue Johnson 2010

102 When we can have this conversation we can: Empathize and give care Play in sex Within ourselves - grow, learn, risk With another - RESONATE - coordinate moves Solve problems, they are just problems now © Sue Johnson 2010

103 Your Partner Can Help You Tune In To: Share Fears. So you can stay positively engaged. Share Deeper Needs. So you can help your partner respond. © Sue Johnson 2010

104 The Tipping Point Conversation Actively build positive bonding spiral Turn moments of disconnection into A.R.E. conversation Create Effective Dependency © Sue Johnson 2010

105 Creating Resonance Tuning in and speaking the language of attachment Accessing fears and longings Secure Talk © Sue Johnson 2010

106 What Am I Most Afraid Of? Part 1: Take the elevator down into the emotions - listen to them Focus inside - find felt sense Name the fear: can use image or adjective Explore the “Terrible if’s” Share Openly © Sue Johnson 2010

107 The Hold Me Tight Message Part 2: Listen to, and hold, the longing in the fear. Share this, “I need” message What I need From You Is © Sue Johnson 2010

108 The Hold Me Tight Message Part 2: When deep inside I feel ______ I need you to _____________ You do have to ask - be specific - be sure it’s about your attachment need (acceptance, belonging/I’m yours and you’re mine, comfort or safety) Other Attends - Tunes In Offers FEELING response © Sue Johnson 2010

109 Too Hard? Slice it Thinner Part 2: When deep inside I feel ______ I need you to _____________ AND it’s too hard to ask right now. What are you afraid of will happen if you ask? Other Attends - Tunes In Offers FEELING response © Sue Johnson 2010

110 Too Hard? Slice it Thinner Part 2: When deep inside I feel ______ (like I do right now), I need you to _____________. For Partner: “I hear you. I want to, and I don’t know how right now” © Sue Johnson 2010

111 At best: HMT statements Coherent What and how (voice and face) fit together with meaning Emotionally engaged, in contact, sincere Clear and simple message to our partner Focused on present moment (not past or future) © Sue Johnson 2010

112 At best: HMT statements To achieve a lasting loving bond we have to be able to tune into our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals... We have to recognize the primal code of attachment rather than to attempt to dismiss and by pass it. Susan M. Johnson, Hold Me Tight © Sue Johnson 2010

113 HMT Conversation Video © Sue Johnson 2010

114 HMT Conversation Video Tim and Kim © Sue Johnson 2010

115 EXERCISE Hold Me Tight Conversation © Sue Johnson 2010

116 Synchrony Sex Conversation 6 Bonding Through Sex and Touch © Sue Johnson 2010

117 Key Points Safe emotional connection fosters great sex – Great sex creates deeper emotional connection Sex is intimate play - a safe adventure. Part of a good relationship. Fear and arousal don’t mix. “Thrill” is presence and responsiveness to the moment © Sue Johnson 2010

118 3 Kinds of Sex 1. Sealed Off 2. Solace Sex 3. Secure Synchrony Sex © Sue Johnson 2010

119 Practice and Presence makes Perfect Touch and Chemistry link Sex and Attachment Bonding and Mating are meant to be integrated © Sue Johnson 2010

120 3 Kinds of Sex Touch arouses and soothes Oxytocin released at orgasm and tender touch (and bonding conversations) © Sue Johnson 2010

121 Video Bonding Thru Sex and Touch © Sue Johnson 2010

122 Exercise Bonding Through Sex and Touch © Sue Johnson 2010

123 Conversation 7 Keeping Your Love Alive © Sue Johnson 2010

124 Reach and Receive In love, you don’t have to fix everything, you just have to be there. © Sue Johnson 2010

125 We all need loving attention Giving and receiving love is like a language, use it or lose it. © Sue Johnson 2010

126 We all need loving attention Bonds are a dance, if no practice.... © Sue Johnson 2010

127 We all need loving attention Emotional Starvation © Sue Johnson 2010

128 Proposition If we recognize and accept the primal code of attachment, and learn to dance to this tune (co-regulate) we can create more loving relationships, families and societies. © Sue Johnson 2010

129 Starts with one key relationship! and this......Starts with one key conversation © Sue Johnson 2010

130 Ways to keep your love alive 1. Know the danger point detours © Sue Johnson 2010

131 Ways to keep your love alive 2. Album - keep images and stories of key moments © Sue Johnson 2010

132 Ways to keep your love alive 3. Create rituals - small everyday and more momentous. Coming and going Connecting and disconnecting Making time © Sue Johnson 2010

133 Ways to keep your love alive 4. Do HMT (fears & needs) conversations. The best investment you will ever make. © Sue Johnson 2010

134 Ways to keep your love alive 5. Safety first - connect emotionally. Especially before problem solving struggles. © Sue Johnson 2010

135 Ways to keep your love alive Create a resiliency relationship story. Dragons fought Stressors survived Injuries healed Key responses that created and create connection. © Sue Johnson 2010

136 Ways to keep your love alive 7. Write a future love story Dreams Possibilities © Sue Johnson 2010

137 Ways to keep your love alive 8. Play 90 minutes a Week: Novel Challenging © Sue Johnson 2010

138 Secure Connection: Key Messages Our need for this specific kind of emotional connection is: PRIMARY/ABSOLUTE the basis of marriage, family, humane society “neural net of hope and faith” © Sue Johnson 2010

139 We must accept our longings, needs, biology - the primal code of attachment. To reach and respond. © Sue Johnson 2010

140 Secure Connection: Key Learning Compassion for others and tolerance are best learned through secure connection. © Sue Johnson 2010

141 Secure Connection: Key Learning Emotional presence and responsiveness is key to love and loving. © Sue Johnson 2010

142 Secure Connection: Key Learning Love is not a mystery anymore. © Sue Johnson 2010

143 Deep and lasting love is within the reach of all of us © Sue Johnson 2010

144 Secure Connection: Key Learning In love, you don’t have to be rich or smart or talented or funny. You just have to be there. Robert Karen.

145 Exercise: Conversation 7 Keeping Your Love Alive © Sue Johnson 2010

146 Closing Sharing


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