7Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion More than is necessary or helpfulMore than we’d like to haveMore than we know what to do withMore than is healthy for usA type and amount that works against us instead of for us
65It’s about things that haven’t happened yet Things that could, but often never do
66Anxiety DISORDER Spend too much time in their IMAGINATION instead of dealing with the Here and Now
67To combat anxiety Staying in the NOW Step 1: “That might happen, but it hasn’t happen yet” Step 2: “And if it does, I’ll deal with it” “Like I have before” “Like other people do”
68Cognitive Choices How we LOOK AT things What MEANING we attach What we REMEMBER about the pastWhat we IMAGINE will happen nextWhat we FOCUS onWhat we COMPARE things toWhat we EXPECT (self, others, life)How much IMPORTANCE we attachWhat we spend our time THINKING about
83Sometimes Because of what we THINK About someone and what they say and do to us We make ourselves feel hurt Hurt comes from inside us not outside us
84People can’t and don’t make us happy We can’t and don’t make them happy
85“A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be” Abraham Lincoln
86Feelings, Stress, Pressure come from inside us Not outside us
87Event + Thoughts = Feeling Everything others say and do and that happens is just an EVENT
88That is NOT intended to be DISCOUNTING of a tragic event in your life There’s a SCIENCE to this but also an ART to it
89It’s OUR choice…. How we look at things What meaning we attach What we remember about the pastWhat we imagine will happen nextWhat we expect (ourselves, others, life)What we focus onWhat we compare things toHow much importance we attachWhat we spend our time thinking about
90And given that Thoughts cause feelings, not events Event + Thoughts = Feeling Choices
91Then logically, It’s OUR choice how we want to feel
92Furthermore No one upsets us, we upset ourselves We’re responsible for how we feel, not othersIt’s not their problem if we feel bad, it’s oursIt’s not their job to make us feel better, it’s ours
93It does NOT mean…You shouldn’t feel the way you doIt’s your fault you feel that wayThere’s something wrong with you for feeling that wayIt’s okay others said or did what they didYou’re making a big deal out of nothing
94It simply means there will always be more than one way to look at anything
95Whatever way we pick will always be perfectly understandable Given our life experiences
96But some ways will make us feel BETTER And others will make us feel WORSE
97Some will make it EASIER to deal with things Others will make it HARDER
99And The way we choose to look at things will never change what happened
100Tool #9 Evaluating your thoughts, feelings, actions with regard to your life goals
101Question 1 What do you really want? How do you want to feel?
102Question 2 How’s it working for you Question 2 How’s it working for you? To think, feel, say and do what you do now?
103Question 3 If you keep thinking, feeling, saying and doing what you do now Will it be easier or harder in the future?
104Question 4 If someone else thinks, feels, says or does that Are you likely to get what you want from them, with them? To feel the way you want to?
105Me: “How am I suppose to look at things Me: “How am I suppose to look at things?” Jerry: “Right now you’re looking at having those kids in your class as being a problem Why not look at it as a challenge, or opportunity to prove you’re as good a teacher as you and I both think you are?”
106When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it. Problem When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it? Problem? or Challenge? or Opportunity?
107My MINDSET It’s not a PROBLEM It’s just an EVENT
108As a Teacher It’s what I get paid to deal with And I’m supposed to know how to deal with kids better than others I take pride in being able to
109With everyday lifeIt’s just something I have to deal withLike I have many times beforeLike I probably will again in the futureLike other people have, and do every day
110Take pride in doing soBetter than others around youBetter than you did before
111But remember that if you struggle That’s part of being human And nothing to be ashamed of
112Self-Esteem People can’t and don’t make us feel bad about ourselves They can’t and don’t make us feel better either
113Child versions of self-defense “I know you are but what am I Child versions of self-defense “I know you are but what am I?” “I’m rubber, you’re glue. What you say bounces off me and stick to you” “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”
114“I know you are but what am I” >>>>> Protected “How dare you Lose say that?” >>>>>>>> Protection
115Adult version “You can think or say whatever you want about me BUT It’s my choice how I look at myself AND It’s my choice how I want to feel about myself”
116“And you don’t get to make those choices for me Unless I let you And I choose NOT to”
117“Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms “Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms. To choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. To choose one’s own way.” Dr. Victor Frankl Holocaust Survivor
126The truth is…. We can’t control what OTHERS think, feel, say and do We only control what WE think, feel, say and do
127Internal Locus of Control Avoid taking unnecessary responsibility for how others make themselves feel
128You’re responsible for what you say and do But not for how others make themselves feel about it
129It’s THEIR choice…. How THEY look at things What meaning THEY attach What THEY remember about the pastWhat THEY imagine will happen nextWhat THEY expect (self, others, life)What THEY focus onWhat THEY compare things toHow much importance THEY attachWhat they spend their time thinking about
162You can make The feeling Pronouns Demands of end up with that are used Others Anger You, They He, She Anxiety Self Shame, Guilt I Loneliness Depression Life Boredom This, It Anxiety
163Brainstorming Demands He, She This They, You I It How dare…. + Brainstorming Demands He, She This They, You I It How dare… How could… Can’t Shouldn’t Need (to) Have to Should
164The Essence of Anger They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want The Essence of Anger They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want! They HAVE TO (should, must) be the way I want them to be! How old does that sound?
165That’s why Dr. Ellis used to say Anger is a Temper Tantrum
166Demands of Yourself Before Event After Event Anxiety Shame, Guilt
170Anxiety-producing thoughts about parents I have to (need to, must) make them happy I can’t disappoint them I have to (need to) make them proud of me I can’t let them down I have to (need to, must) please them I can’t upset them like I did in the past I have to (need to, must) do what they want
171The essence of Anxiety I HAVE TO be perfect and do everything perfectly all the time (self) Everything HAS TO go exactly as I planned or want it to (life)
172Remember Demands of Yourself Before Event After Event Anxiety Shame, Guilt
173SHOULD Others Yourself Life Anger Shame Depression Guilt Boredom Loneliness
174SHAME, Guilt thoughts I should have done better I shouldn’t have gotten so many wrong I should be doing more with my life I should be doing better in school I shouldn’t being getting bad grades I should know how to do that by now I should be able to do what others can I shouldn’t have done that I should know better
175As a general rule It’s not good to SHOULD on yourself or others
176The Essence of Depression My life SHOULDN’T (can’t) be the way it is This SHOULDN’T (can’t) be happening to me
177Depressive thoughts It (life) shouldn’t be so hard I shouldn’t have to deal with this It (life) should be easier that this It’s not fair (and life should be)
178Dr. Albert Ellis Depression is a Quiet Temper Tantrum
179Demands in the form of questions Anger How dare they Demands in the form of questions Anger How dare they...? = They can’t How could they…? = They shouldn’t Shame, Guilt How could I….? = I shouldn’t have
180Remember Attitude is always the father of behavior
181Rule #3 When people start to think they need something they simply want, it makes otherwise smart people do stupid things
182Rule #4 Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win out over behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference
196Label and Damning Calling an apple “bad” because it has a bruise Calling someone “stupid” because they did a stupid thingCondemning the DOER instead of the DEEDCan Label & Damn others or yourself
197Tool #6 A step-by-step approach to troubling life events
198Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3 C Consequences (feel, do) or 2D Dispute (correct)E Effective Coping StatementF Functional Amt. of EmotionG Generate OptionsH Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
200Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3 C Consequences (feel, do) or 2D Dispute (correct)E Effective Coping StatementF Functional Amt. of EmotionG Generate OptionsH Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
214They need to to apologize for that Why do they need to do that They need to to apologize for that Why do they need to do that? Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food? They need to, or you just want them to? They need to, or you’d just like them to?
215If you start your answer with “Because… If you start your answer with “Because….” Then anything that follows is the wrong answer
216What are the right answers. Why do they need to do that What are the right answers? Why do they need to do that? Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food? They need to, or you just want them to? They need to, or you’d just like them to?
217They have to apologize for that Why do they have to They have to apologize for that Why do they have to? They have to, or you just want them to? They have to, or you’d just like them to?
218They can’t say things like that Why can’t they They can’t say things like that Why can’t they? They can’t, or you just don’t want them to? They can’t, or you just don’t like when they do?
236It’s really awful that they said that Why is it so awful It’s really awful that they said that Why is it so awful? Is it awful, or just unpleasant? Is it awful, or just inconvenient? Is it awful, or just uncomfortable? Is it awful like having cancer?
242I can’t stand when people do things like that Why can’t you stand it I can’t stand when people do things like that Why can’t you stand it? Are you going to die or go crazy? You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?
248They’re jerks for saying things like that about me Why are they jerks just because of that? They’re jerks, or just did a jerky thing? They’re jerks, or just did something you didn’t like? They’re jerks, or just FHBs like the rest of us?
251Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3 C Consequences (feel, do) or 2D Dispute (correct)E Effective Coping StatementF Functional Amt. of EmotionG Generate OptionsH Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
252Effective Coping Statements It’s not the end of the world It’s not that big a deal It’s over and done with They can say whatever they want to People can believe whatever they want The only person I control is me I’ve survived worse It’s my choice how I want to feel
253Tool #10 Understand why change is hard and what it takes