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Knowledge Risk Factors Prevention Communication Problem Solving Enhancement.

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Presentation on theme: "Knowledge Risk Factors Prevention Communication Problem Solving Enhancement."— Presentation transcript:

1 Knowledge Risk Factors Prevention Communication Problem Solving Enhancement

2 Knowledge The vast majority of people desire to have a happy marriage. There is evidence that people and society benefit when marriages last. As a culture, we believe in marriage but do little to improve relationships.

3 Knowledge The vast majority of people desire to have a happy marriage. There is evidence that people and society benefit when marriages last. As a culture, we believe in marriage but do little to improve relationships. Know… Know we are all different!

4 Knowledge The vast majority of people desire to have a happy marriage. There is evidence that people and society benefit when marriages last. As a culture, we believe in marriage but do little to improve relationships. Know… Know we are all different! Know that every marriage will have disagreements!

5 Knowledge The vast majority of people desire to have a happy marriage. There is evidence that people and society benefit when marriages last. As a culture, we believe in marriage but do little to improve relationships. Know… Know we are all different! Know that every marriage will have disagreements! Know that God never intended for us to be alone!

6 Knowledge The vast majority of people desire to have a happy marriage. There is evidence that people and society benefit when marriages last. As a culture, we believe in marriage but do little to improve relationships. Know… Know we are all different! Know that every marriage will have disagreements! Know that God never intended for us to be alone! Know that we react, think, and do things due to our worldview!

7 Knowledge The vast majority of people desire to have a happy marriage. There is evidence that people and society benefit when marriages last. As a culture, we believe in marriage but do little to improve relationships. Know… Know we are all different! Know that every marriage will have disagreements! Know that God never intended for us to be alone! Know that we react, think, and do things due to our worldview! Know that if anything is to be accomplished, we must work as a team!

8 Knowledge A Christian marriage is one that both partners (man and woman) seek to follow God’s plan for their lives and in their relationship.

9 Knowledge A Christian marriage is one that both partners (man and woman) seek to follow God’s plan for their lives and in their relationship. There is a mystery of the marriage of a man leaving his family to join a “life together” with a woman.

10 Knowledge A Christian marriage is one that both partners (man and woman) seek to follow God’s plan for their lives and in their relationship. There is a mystery of the marriage of a man leaving his family to join a “life together” with a woman. There is a covenant before God and man.

11 Knowledge A Christian marriage is one that both partners (man and woman) seek to follow God’s plan for their lives and in their relationship. There is a mystery of the marriage of a man leaving his family to join a “life together” with a woman. There is a covenant before God and man. There is a foundation of “oneness” in every good relationship.

12 Knowledge A Christian marriage is one that both partners (man and woman) seek to follow God’s plan for their lives and in their relationship. There is a mystery of the marriage of a man leaving his family to join a “life together” with a woman. There is a covenant before God and man. There is a foundation of “oneness” in every good relationship. A Christian marriage is permanent!!!

13 Knowledge A Christian marriage is where a man and woman seek to follow God’s plan for their lives. It is viewed as a covenant before God and man. Marriage is honorable. Marriage is Oneness. Marriage is permanent. God takes marriage serious.

14 Knowledge Belief and Expectations: Are often assumed and expected but seldom discussed. A lack of communicated expectations lead to frustration and disappointment. Everyday assumptions on job, fidelity, sex, career, children/child raising, loyalty, household tasks, commitment, forgiveness/problem solving, etc.

15 Knowledge Spiritual Belief and Expectations: Reflects the core philosophy, moral, ethical, and cultural beliefs and practices. What is your core spiritual belief? Is regular church attendance important? Will we raise our children in church? What is your belief on divorce, abortion, and forgiveness. Church giving and commitment to God.

16 Risk Factors The key is to PREVENT serious problems. By knowing what best PREDICTS divorce, you will know more about what makes successful marriages. How you communicate and handle conflict is crucial for how your marriage will go. All couples will have problems. It’s how you handle them that counts most.

17 Risk Factors While researchers may not agree there is no special formula that will guarantee a successful marriage, they all agree there are warning signs: Criticism

18 Risk Factors While researchers may not agree there is no special formula that will guarantee a successful marriage, they all agree there are warning signs: Criticism Defensiveness

19 Risk Factors While researchers may not agree there is no special formula that will guarantee a successful marriage, they all agree there are warning signs: Criticism Defensiveness Stonewalling

20 Risk Factors While researchers may not agree there is no special formula that will guarantee a successful marriage, they all agree there are warning signs: Criticism Defensiveness Stonewalling Contempt

21 Risk Factors Criticism: Everyone may have criticism in their relationship but it is the degree and frequency of criticism that is important. Negative statements with the word “you always” or “you never” are terms we used often in heated conversations, bringing no praise or validation to the relationship. If escalation continues, this could lead to verbal and physical aggression. (women criticize more than men) Successful couples don’t escalate that easily Successful couples limit and exit negative situations when they are occur Successful couples understand they can each be different and disagree but not become disagreeable

22 Risk Factors Defensiveness: Most couples become defensive once arguments start, often trying to justify their actions or statements. While it may be natural at times, it is not good for the relationship when it overlooks the other person’s feelings, emotions, and existence. When this happens, there is no unity and oneness in a relationship. (Both men and women are guilty of this) Successful couples understand differences but allows the emotional state to validate each other to communicate differences. Successful couples will give each other the benefit of the doubt stressing there is oneness instead of selfishness.

23 Risk Factors Stonewalling: Whenever escalations or arguments occur, many will pull back, withdraw, and put up a “stonewall” or barrier in between each other. This is to avoid the issue at hand. (Men stonewall more than women) One reason why men stonewall is to avoid arguments, others believe that men do not like to be challenged on their rules or positions that may be changing, and a third reason may lie with men not wanting to feel they are wrong. Stonewalling does not allow proper dialog with any issue or understanding one another better. Refusing to deal with an issue will never bring a solution or the oneness in any relationship.

24 Risk Factors Contempt: This is the most dangerous of all warning signs! There is no validation to this factor. It is more than being insensitive to your partner’s feelings, it escalates to a point of “insults” and “putdowns” beyond a reasonable manner. There are plenty of “you” statements, such as, “You’re Stupid” or “You Can’t Do Anything Right”, etc. Again, this is the most dangerous sign of all!!! Interesting to Note: While danger signs are found in every divorce, the first three are also found in successful marriages. Successful marriages limit the first three to a minimum Successful marriages created more positive than negatives in their relationships Successful marriages avoid contempt—It is a killer of every relationship!!

25 Prevention Repair Attempts: While all marriages have some form of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, successful relationships will focus on repair attempts made after arguments or disagreements occur. Repair attempts are not to correct the other person but to bring efforts to improve any disagreements from happening again. The focus is on their love and commitment to one another. Repair attempts takes away the “wedge” that separates them from unity and oneness. The more repair attempts, the more your partner understands you really care for them.

26 Prevention Remember: 5 t0 1 Positive-To Negative Ratio Most researchers believe that all marriages benefit from repair attempts and removing the negative circumstances from that relationship. It is important that every relationship to have more positives than negatives in that relationship. The more we place into that relationship, the more value that relationship is. It is no different from the bank. When something negative happens n a relationship, a withdrawal is made to make that account (relationship) less valuable. One hopes there will always be a positive balance in our emotional accounts after any negative occurrences.

27 Prevention Remember: 5 t0 1 Positive-To Negative Ratio Positives may include: Touch, kiss, or any kind of affection. A look, nod, some type of validation that one is being heard. A smile, wink, or expression of love. Helping one another without having to be asked to. Cards, notes, gifts, or something special. Anything courteous or kind for one another.

28 Prevention Remember: 5 t0 1 Positive-To Negative Ratio It is not about buying something special for your partner, it is about displaying something positive, just showing care, you are interested in them, what they say and do. They are special! If you don’t give attention to your spouse, someone else will!!! We are not ignorant to Satan’s devices. Protect what we have. Remember, anything valuable is worth protecting!

29 Prevention Forgiveness: Forgive often!!! Forgiveness: Many marriages have been ruined/destroyed by an accumulation of mistrust and lack of forgiveness. A lack of forgiveness negates the possibility for restoration and healing. Forgiveness is critical for maintaining a oneness. Many Christians have a hard time forgiving even though Jesus spoke on forgiving others over and over again. There is no greater expression of love in a marriage than forgiveness. Mark 11:25 says, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

30 Prevention Forgiveness: Does not mean you forget! Many couples will throw up the statement that forgiving means forgetting. That statement is totally absurd. Forgiveness is a gift from a wounded party to the offender. One may never be able to ever forget the harm done and over time, it will be less damaging or hurting to the individual but one can still remember things. Example: Have you ever had someone hit your thumb or fingernail with a hammer while you were holding a nail for them? You may still remember the pain. You may have forgiven them, but you may not ever trust them again to hold their nail!

31 Prevention Forgiveness: Trust is earned! If you are the offender, you have to be patient to allow the person being hurt or injured to heal and trust again. It takes time to trust again. If you have a hard time forgiving, you must have to turn this situation over to God and trust him to bring restoration and healing to your relationship. Keep restoring the positives-to-negatives in your relationship as mentioned earlier. The more positives there are in a relationship, the greater chances for restoration.

32 Prevention Reasons to forgive: Jesus commanded for us to forgive. Not doing so hinders our relationship with God. Because we have experienced God’s Grace our self. Forgiveness sets us free!

33 Prevention Steps to forgiving: Set an agenda to discuss issues surrounding the wrongdoing. Pray together for guidance and patience through this discussion. Examine the hurts and concerns this wrongdoing caused to your relationship. The offender must ask forgiveness from the person hurt. Discuss whether there is true remorse or sorry for being caught. Discuss the safeguards from this ever happening again. Offender agrees to forgive. Pray for God’s protection every day!!!

34 Prevention To prevent anything to happen to your relationship, you must make sure your relationship is protected every day with a prayer: Praying for God to bless and send guardian angels over your home, finances, children, relationship, work, etc., setting a hedge of protection all around them, guarding and protecting them at all times. If you are not concerned enough to pray…Who will?

35 Communication Filters in communication: When we communicate, we have someone who is talking (sending a message) and the other person trying to listen (receiving a message). Many times, the receiver never receives the message as it is intended. Who’s fault is it? We may blame each other but in truth, we all have filters that cause us to perceive different images or messages. These filters may be due to our upbringing, beliefs, emotional state, environment, social norms, etc. and are a result of our worldview. It is also very hard for someone to receive a clear message if they have never experienced the same things.

36 Communication Placing too much emphasis on verbal communication. Albert Mehrabian, Ph.D. from UCLA, listed the basic elements of communication as Nonverbal, Verbal, and Tone. Most of the credibility, beliefs, and perceptions come from nonverbal communication 55%. He states that 38% of our communication comes from tone, and only 7% comes from actual words. Most people will argue and fight over what is being said rather than how it is being said or the body language of the person giving it.

37 Communication

38 When communicating, One needs to talk openly and safe: Emotional safety is critical to great communication and preserving the oneness. People are more vulnerable when they do not feel safe People may respond defensively if they do not feel safe Remember communication is more than just words

39 Communication Other Factors include: Inattention: Effective communication comes when distractions are missing. Speech problems, environment (noises ort TV), or just not having the energy to talk. Emotional state and reactions: Many feelings of anger, embarrassment, fear, disappointment, etc. are triggered to the point that we cannot fully communicate effectively due to focusing on our emotions rather than dialog. Past experiences & communication styles: Many people communicate in the same manner they were taught. Some have better communication skills while others carry expectations of what certain words mean. Self Preservation: Many will communicate things and in ways to protect themselves from hurt or rejection. Look behind the words to see other indicators. Some words have different meanings. 5 Love Languages

40 Communication We have found out that structure (ground rules)is one of the best ways to ensure effective communication and keeping conversations from getting out of hand. Time Out: It is a way to stop or slow down escalation. Each person will agree to respect the other person’s request for a “time out” to cool off and discuss this disagreement at a later time. The time needs to be specific and agreed upon by both parties to come back into discussion in a more constructive and less emotional way. A time out will never solve anything but can reduce the emotions from getting out of hand and causing further damage to the relationship.

41 Communication Speaker/Listener Technique: This is a structured way to talk through difficult situations. It allows one person to speak without being interrupted, sharing his/her own words and opinions (having the floor to talk). Once they are through, the other person who is listening then paraphrases what was said by the first person and waits on a response from that person to see whether they heard correctly. So many times, people jump to conclusions or interrupt each other and never hear what was trying to be communicated. Once the communication was verified as being correct. The second person (the listener) then has a chance to share their feelings or opinions freely without being interrupted. Then that person restates what the second person was saying. This can eliminate misunderstandings and confusion.

42 Communication Speaker/Listener Technique: Once both have stated their view, feelings, or opinions of what they have heard and stated, both tries to take turns to try to solve the issue/problem. It is important to remember to be courteous and allow the other person to share without interruption. Their thought should be treated with dignity and respect even though they may be different from ours. Proceed without escalation. Avoid non-verbals, hand gestures, and negative looks. You may stop from time to time to clarify a statement. Can use parroting to rephrase a statement.

43 Communication Awareness Wheel: This technique allows a couple to share their feelings on a certain subject or fear is given. It allows that person to follow a dialog from the awareness wheel, which includes feelings, beliefs, actions, thoughts, and wants. A benefit from using the Awareness Wheel is to allow people who have a hard time communicating their feelings. It allows them to follow a certain track, communicating their feelings, emotions, beliefs, actions, thoughts, and wants to others in a more constructive manner. It is a structured way to communicate. Most people find this fun and eliminates the emotional sting (arguing) that comes from regular discussions.

44 Communication XYZ Communication: This allows a person to state a message using their own feelings to a certain behavior or setting. It consists of using more “I” statements. When You did X(specific behavior) In Situation Y(specific setting) I felt Z(specific feeling) The benefit from using this is that it is hard for people to disagree with your own person feelings to most anything. These are your feelings. “When you threw your dirty clothes on the floor last night after I had asked you to not do so, I felt my wishes are not important to you. “ “When you come home late at night with the guys and don’t give me any attention, I feel that you like them more than me”

45 Communication XYZ Communication: Any feeling words, such as glad, happy, sad, lonely, anxious, scared, frustrated, irritated, excited, angry, embarrassed, etc. are effective in being able to communicate the hurt or feeling properly. Note: Most males only have a vocabulary of about 25% of that of females. No wonder why couples have communication problems when effective words are omitted.

46 Problem Solving Hidden Issues: Are issues that may be hidden from plain sight or previously revealed or communicated. These issues are often revealed during times of tension, anxiety, negative events, and arguments. Each one of us have our own set of “Baggage” that comes into the relationship, hidden and often times have never been addressed. Some of the things in our baggage may include: Jealousy, control issues, self esteem, acceptance, rejection, caring, alcohol or drugs in family, sex, religion, integrity, forgiveness, neglect, abuse, etc.

47 Problem Solving Hidden Issues: Some things were never addressed. If left alone, one cannot have a fully functional and healthy relationship, until the lower level has been mastered.

48 Problem Solving Hidden Issues: Validation and support is needed. Attentive Listening Reflective Feelings Summarize from Other’s Perspective Show Tolerance/Benefit of Doubt Take the Person Seriously Provide Nurturance and Support

49 Problem Solving Most issues or problems go unresolved due to a lack of good problem solving techniques. Listed below are some important steps in problem solving:

50 Problem Solving Most issues or problems go unresolved due to a lack of good problem solving techniques. Listed below are some important steps in problem solving: Pray Together

51 Problem Solving Most issues or problems go unresolved due to a lack of good problem solving techniques. Listed below are some important steps in problem solving: Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue

52 Problem Solving Most issues or problems go unresolved due to a lack of good problem solving techniques. Listed below are some important steps in problem solving: Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue Create a Platform to Honestly Discuss Solutions

53 Problem Solving Most issues or problems go unresolved due to a lack of good problem solving techniques. Listed below are some important steps in problem solving: Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue Create a Platform to Honestly Discuss Solutions Write Down as Many Suggestions/Brainstorm

54 Problem Solving Most issues or problems go unresolved due to a lack of good problem solving techniques. Listed below are some important steps in problem solving: Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue Create a Platform to Honestly Discuss Solutions Write Down as Many Suggestions/Brainstorm Agree on a Plan/Compromise

55 Problem Solving Most issues or problems go unresolved due to a lack of good problem solving techniques. Listed below are some important steps in problem solving: Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue Create a Platform to Honestly Discuss Solutions Write Down as Many Suggestions/Brainstorm Agree on a Plan/Compromise Evaluate/Follow-up

56 Enrichment Commitment: Is the glue that keeps a relationship together. A good relationship is one about unity (oneness). You have made a vow before God and each other to commit a “shared” way of life to one another. It is believed there are two forms of commitment: Personal Dedication: Refers to a desire to improve the quality of one’s relationship for the joint benefit of both partners. Negative Constrains: There are certain things that will force individuals to remain in a relationship regardless to personal dedication.

57 Enrichment Personal Dedication: In contrast to constraints, personal dedication is more fulfilling, rewarding, satisfying, and creates stability for the future because both partners are working to make their relationship better every day. Even thought all relationships will have a measure of constraint, those who personally invest into the other’s well being without selfish desires. To be selfish is to ignore or not be sensitive to your partner. To seek things for your own way, for your good, is above all, empty, lonely, sad. Jesus taught dedication, faithfulness, and keeping the bond of oneness.

58 Enrichment Negative Constraints: These constrains may arise from external or internal sources to keep the relationship alive. Having kids may keep a marriage alive even though their personal relationship with each other is not perfect. They merely exist for the sake of the children. Economic hardships, not wanting to hurt your children by separating, or other kid of forces that cause people to stay together are negative constraints. A negative cause (restraint) to keep a marriage alive can result in positive gain. In some cases, it can revive the original interest in one another as long as the notion of breaking up afterwards is not a paramount reminder.

59 Enrichment One has to guard and protect from outside forces to take away any commitment or happiness. Invest in your relationship with time, money, intimacy, and value.

60 SEX One of three couples struggle with problems associated with sexual desire. Even when we struggle with other problems in a marriage, we can still make love to soothe the bad feelings. To males, to de disinterested in sex is to feel less than a man. Most men think about sex about every 23 seconds. When couples don’t talk and have close communication on how their day went, why should they expect to have sex with someone disinterested in me? Most younger couples feel sex outside of a marriage is not wrong.

61 SEX Fluctuating hormones, medication(diabetic, high blood pressure, birth control pills, and more), and illness can greatly affect how you feel and being able to function in sexual activity. A person can have a high or low sex drive but have little or nothing to do with his/her level of love for his/her spouse. Some studies suggest that as high as 50% of women and 20% of men say their sex drive isn’t what it use to be. Men have an uneasiness to discuss a lack of performance. It’s important to talk.

62 SEX Some people have complained about having sex 4-5 times a week and it has lowered to 2-3 times per week, which is still above the National average. Never compare your sex life to someone else. It is all about you and your spouse!!! A lack of sexual interest with your spouse may result in deeper questions by your spouse, such as you not caring for our relationship anymore. “Sex is not important to you anymore, you are not attracted to me anymore.”

63 SEX Touching: Being touched in stimulating ways often lead to arousal. Arousal leads to a strong desire to continue being sexual. Whenever your spouse touches, kisses, and holds you, it feels good and increases the likelihood for a desire to continue. There are some factors when sexual desire is missing: ChildbirthPoor self-esteemmenopause Body ImageMale menopauseMedications & Illness DepressionGrief over lossMotherhood Mid-life CrisisFatigue/StressInfidelity Sexual or emotional abuse as a child

64 Enrichment Putting fun back in your marriage through: Regular date night. Making an event more fun, such as having a scavenger hunt on a date, dressing up differently for a date, taking them to where you first met. Touching more. Opening doors and ordering for your mate. Ordering a newspaper in the city they were born and on their birth date. Going over what all happened in that era and trying to see how many places are still in business. Go to a spa or having your spouse’s nails done. Switch roles in the home in duties. Be creative, laugh more, and have fun!!!

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