Presentation on theme: "BULLYING and POSITIVE SOCIAL INTERACTION"— Presentation transcript:
1BULLYING and POSITIVE SOCIAL INTERACTION St. Perpetua SchoolParent Education SeriesOctober 22, 2009
2Agenda Introduction of Counselor Positive Social Interaction Social DevelopmentLooking at ConflictBullyingRelational AggressionToolsClosingResources
3Counselor Who I am/background What the counselor at St. Perpetua does Contact informationBehind Café Perpetua, next to Mrs. Gainy’s officeTuesday and Thursday 9:30-1:30 or by appointmentor x117Introduction of topicPersonalFighting human natureStriking a balance - empowerment
5What we want for our children: To have positive friendshipsTo get along well with peersTo feel empowered to stand up for themselvesTo be respectful of othersTo be empatheticTo be self confidentTo be problem solvers
6Positive Social Interaction We want our kids to know how to:Get along with all different types of people, different ages, ethnicities, religionsDeal with conflictDemonstrate self-control, physically and verballyRecognize appropriate ways to behave dependent on the situation (OK to run around at soccer practice, not OK at church)Respect elders and people of authorityNot blindly accept information without judging and analyzing valueAvoid intimidating or hurting others
7FriendshipFriendships are egalitarian. They are symmetrically or horizontally structured, in contrast to adult-child relationships, which are asymmetrically or vertically structured.Friends are similar to each other in developmental status, engaging each other mostly in play and socializing.
9Social Development 5-7 years old 7-9 years old May be anxious when separated from familiar peopleLearning to cooperateTalk about self and define self (likes, dislikes, tendencies, traits)Can be hard on themselvesBetter at sharing and taking turns7-9 years oldStill show bursts of emotionsJudgmental and critical of self and othersDeveloping closer friendshipsSelf confidence increasingLike tasks where they can be successful, dislike tasks that are risky where they might failSensitive to criticismFeelings dependent on how adults respond to them
10Social development 9-11 years 11-13 years Becomes preoccupied with the opposite sexRelates to peer group intensely and abides by group decisionsGives in to peer pressure easilyDoes not want to be "different”Likes to play in small groupsConfides constantly in best friend11-13 yearsIntense emotions and moodinessFriends very importantStart to question adult authorityMay define self by opinions, beliefs, valuesCopy fads, belonging with peers is importantMay be possessive with belongings and people close to them
11Acceptance Children want to be accepted by their peers. They want to be involved in all aspects of play and they seek out ways to fit in.A primary question in a child’s mind is what do I need to do to fit in?
13Conflict can be good Teaches kids how to negotiate Teaches them to stand up for themselvesPractice for being an adult and navigating conflict throughout lifeCan help cement a belief or valueTeaches kids different perspectives and coping styles
14Different Levels of Conflict BullyingDisagreement, not major, fairly easy to move beyond, not personal, incidentalArgument about minor issue that is important to child, usually not personal, child feels annoyed. Annoying behavior isn’t usually directed at anotherIssue is usually more personal, feelings are hurt, duration of disagreement is longer. Intent can be malicious. You hurt me so I’ll hurt you.Continual behavior to intimidate, domineer and control a weaker person“I was in line first”“You took cuts”“You took the markers before I was done and I didn’t get to finish my project”“You didn’t invite me to sit with you at lunch. I was alone and you didn’t help me”“Nobody play with her because she can’t swim – she’s lame and wouldn’t be able to hang out with us in summer anyway”
15Level 1 ConflictDisagreement, not major, fairly easy to move beyond, not personal, might be an isolated incidentEx: classmate took cuts in lineSolution: Ignore the behavior, don’t give it more attention than it warrants, consider how important it is to respondStand up for yourself if appropriateParent support: positively reinforce when your child says they ignored an annoying situation, or when they share they stood up for what was fair
16Level 2 ConflictArgument about minor issue that is important to child, usually not personal, child feels annoyed.Ex: markers were taken so project was incompleteSolutions: problem solve outside of the relationship – get more markers, look for a way to move beyond situation without engaging in argumentStand up for yourself if appropriateParent support: positively reinforce your child’s ability to problem solve and find a solution or when they have stood up for what is fair
17Level 3 ConflictIssue is usually more personal, feelings are hurt, duration of disagreement is longer. Intent can be malicious. You hurt me so I’ll hurt youEx: a friend is excluded by friend at lunchSolution: Speak up for yourself and explain why the behavior was hurtful. Use I message, don’t blame. Try to understand the other person’s feelingsParent support: be supportive and caring of hurt feelings but try not to solve the situation or view them as a victim. Brainstorm with your child how to communicate and repair hurt feelings.
18ConflictsThere can be elements of all these levels of conflict in one relationship.Time spent together and intensity of relationship are important to consider.Is the behavior neutral?Is the behavior annoying?Is the behavior antagonistic?How much time do kids spend together?How intense is the relationship?
19Siblings are a good example Consider sibling relationships and intentions of siblings.Trying to carve out differences from one anotherTrying to create spaceTrying to understand power and abilities, ways to get attention and validationThere can still be an underlying element of love and/or camaraderieStudents are together a lot during the school day, year
203 Ways to Help Conflicts Control your temper Staying calm and polite makes it easier to resolve conflictsTry to see the other person’s point of viewSwitch sides with one another and argue the other person’s pointSeek out adults when you need themIf the argument is escalating and you don’t feel like you’re making progress, ask for help
22Bullying definedTo bully: to habitually badger and intimidate smaller or weaker people; to intimidate, domineerAmerican Psychological Association (APA)
23What is bullying?When a person or group tries to hurt or control another person in a harmful wayWhen there is a difference in power between those being hurt and those doing the hurtingWhen hurtful behaviors are repeated over timeHurtful behavior that is intentional, the goal is to injure, control or manipulate someone
24Types of Bullying Physical: punching, kicking, spitting Verbal: name calling, threatening, teasingPsychological: spreading rumors, excluding people from games and groupsCyber: writing mean things on someone’s face book, ing embarrassing photos of people
25Forms of bullyingBullying can be physical, verbal, psychological, or a combination of these three.Name callingPut-downsSaying or writing inappropriate things about a personDeliberately excluding individuals from activitiesNot talking to a personThreatening a person with bodily harmTaking or damaging a person's thingsHitting or kicking a personMaking a person do things he/she does not want to doTaunting, teasing and coercion.
26Aggressive bulliesAn aggressive bully is seen as an individual who is belligerent, fearless, coercive, confident, tough, and impulsive.This type of behavior typically comes from individuals who have a low tolerance for frustration coupled with a stronger inclination toward violence than that of children in general.
27Passive bulliesPassive bullies rarely provoke others or take the initiative in a bullying incident.As groups, the aggressive bully will instigate the bullying situation, the passive bully supports his/her behavior and/or begins to actively participate once the bullying begins.The passive bully aligns with the more powerful and, relatively speaking, more popular, action-oriented aggressive bully.
28Who is a target?There's something that makes him stand out to the bullyCould be he walks differently, talks differently, behaves differently, clothes are different, parents are divorced or from another country, or even just his name is different.She gets anxious or upset very easily.He doesn't have as many friends and is often alone.
29Signs of Bullying Reluctance to leave home. Missing activities. Declining to attend extracurricular activities may be a sign that your child is being bullied.Unexplained cuts or bruises.Increased sadness or anxiety. Adolescents tend to be moody; however, a sudden increase in crying outbursts and anxiety levels could be the result of a bully.Steadily decreasing academic performance. Repeated low scores, missed assignments, or comments from your child’s teachers about declining performance could be signs.
31What is Relational Aggression? Calculated manipulation to injure or to control another child's ability to maintain rapport with peersCreating networks of negativity around a target/victimManipulating how an individual is viewed byIsolating themSpreading rumors or lies about private livesRevealing secretsCreating situations of public humiliationLeaves victims in a no-win situation because there is no forum to challenge the accusations
32Girls and Boys & Relational Aggression Girls usually differ from boys in the type of aggressive behavior they exhibit.While boys tend to inflict bodily pain, girls more often engage in covert or relational aggression.Girls tend to value intimate relationships with individual girls, while boys usually form social bonds through group activities (like team sports).Aggressive girls often gain power by withholding their friendship or by sabotaging the relationships of others.
33Relational Aggression (Cont’d) Girls between grades 5-8 use relational aggression the most.By high school, behavior is more direct and there is less competition between social groups
34Why Relational Aggression? To socially isolate the victimAlso increasing the social status of the bullyPerpetrators might be driven by jealousy, need for attention, anger, and fear of (or need for) competition.One reason girls choose this type of bullying rather than more direct acts of harassment is that the bully typically avoids being caught or held accountableAntidote to RA is journaling, writing out feelings and having an outlet to express what is actually happening
36Tools Agenda:Ways kids can stand up for themselves in conflicts and against bulliesWhat parents can do to support kidsWhen your child is a bullyWhat kids can do to prevent bullyingWhat St. Perpetua is doing
37The power of the “I” message I feel…..When you….Because….Example: I feel sad when you don’t invite me to sit with you because I like hanging out with you.Practicing helps kids stand up for themselves, articulate what they want and don’t want.
38“I” MessagesDon’t attack, judge or cause annoyance like a “you” messageCan lessen some of the blameWorks to lessen defensiveness from other personGets to the heart of the conflict soonerEveryone is clear on the cause and effect of behavior
39“I” Message Adults use them all the time I feel frustrated when it takes you so long to put your shoes on because being on time is important.I feel concerned when you fret about doing your homework because I want you to be prepared.I feel unprepared when you pop-in because I like to be ready for guests.
40Conflict Resolution Technique Tell the person what you didn't likeTell the person how it made you feelTell the person what you want in the futurePerson responds with what they can doGiving kids ways to express themselves and stand up for what they believe is fair
41Reporting behaviorWhen kids recognize they are being treated in a frightening, isolating way that hurts their feelings it is important they feel comfortable to report the behavior to a teacher, counselor or trusted adult.It is equally important when students observe other students bullying another student, that they report the situation to a teacher, counselor or trusted adult.
42Tattling versus telling Tattling is telling on someone in order to get him in trouble.Telling is reporting about someone to get him help.Tattling is attention-seeking behavior, and the tattler is rarely 100% free of responsibility.
44Parents - What Not To Do: "I haven't met a parent who hasn't wanted to run to her child's school and shake some kid who was mean to her kid (even though the parent has never done this). But one of the biggest complaints I get from kids is about parents who are meddling in their friendships. You can support your child through the tough times by lending a sympathetic ear without necessarily jumping to action."Michael Thompson, Ph.D. Co-Author, Best Friends, Worst Enemies
45What Parents Can Do: EMPOWERMENT We want to empower our children to solve their own problems and to stand up for themselvesReinforce when they share how they stood up for themselves or othersCelebrate when they have encouraged others to have better behavior (acted as a leader/didn’t join in)Give attention and praise for their ability to be a supportive friend/classmate/teammateTell them you believe in them and their ability to solve a problem and stand up for themselves or others
46What Parents Can Do: BE AVAILABLE Listen Be someone your kids feel comfortable sharing tricky situations withBy sympatheticDon’t minimize how important their feelings are - remember when school was all you cared aboutDon’t jump in to solve their problem but help them brainstorm on ways to improve a situationKnow the difference between reinforcing the idea that they are a victim and when they need some real help*
47How to Know the Difference It is very hard to know if your child has an annoying classmate or if he is being bullied?Ask your child about the situation, try to understand how the teacher responds, how other kids respond, how your child responds.Set up a scale for you and your child to work from. 1=mildly irritating and 10=the behavior is hurtful, scary and personal and often.Be in touch with teacher/school when necessary
48How to Know the Difference Observe your child’s behavior, moodWatch for isolation – is your child seeing other friends, still engaged with other people?Does your child stand up for himself? Does he stand up for others?Is he afraid to go to school/or activity?If you determine your child is being bullied, contact your child’s teacher or counselor /activity immediately. Steps must be taken to stop the intimidation and imbalance of power in the relationship.
49What Else Parents Can Do: Involve kids in groups outside the school (e.g. scouts, gymnastics, karate, skating, etc. etc.)Talk about bullying and positive social interaction, how to treat friends and classmatesGive them diverse friendship circles, so that if a situation arises, there are alternate venues of support already in placeHave other supportive adults available, grandparent, aunt/uncle, older cousin, trusted friend or neighbor so they feel comfortable sharing what is happening in their lives
51When Your Child is a Bully Help your child understand what bullying is and how their behavior impacts othersLove and support them, even when you don’t love their behavior and choices (set boundaries/limits)Work with them to get to the root of their need to dominate - are they feeling vulnerable?Help your child understand the appropriate place to exercise power (sport, formal debate)Encourage self confidence by positively reinforcing good choices and times when they are good friendsConsider their role models (idols, games, movies)
52When Your Child is a Bully Have conversations that explore relevant topics:Spreading rumorsTelling someone’s secretsTalking on the internet about someoneRolling eyes when someone walks byWhispering in front of someonePicking on someone for how they lookExcluding someone from a groupThreatening not to play/spend time with someoneTaking someone else’s property (marker, cd)Ignoring someone when they are approaching
54What Students Can Do:Monitor their own behavior so they are treating others as they like to be treatedRecognize bullying does not usually occur without an audienceBystanders should not reinforce the bully’s behavior by giving positive attention
55What Students Can Do:One-on-one interactions can be easier situations for victims to assert themselves in (not always but one-on-one can level the playing field)Bystanders should speak up and say how much they dislike the bullying behavior or invite the victim to leave the scene with themUse your voice and your power of persuasion in a positive way
57What St. Perpetua is Doing: Training teachers and staff on signs of bullying and relational aggression and ways to interveneConsidering anti-bullying curriculum to be taught to the whole school so kids identify and prevent bullying themselvesHaving teachers and staff available to listen and support studentsStaying on-top of social situations that arise at school and intervening
58What St. Perpetua is Doing: Having classroom presentations/discussions on friendship, bullying and positive social interactionGiving students opportunities to interact with different grades and social groups so social isolation is harder to create (book club, Faith Families, student government)
60Closing Know how to support kids when they encounter conflict Understand how we as parents deal with conflict and what behavior we’re modelingBelieve in your kids abilities to problem solve and empower them to be strongBe available if they need help strategizingProvide them with resources (different social groups, other adults to confide in)Embrace this loving, forgiving Catholic communityQuestions/comments
61Resources - People Your child’s teacher Me, the counselor If needed, Mrs. GoodshawCoaches, dance teachers, youth leaders, etc.There are lots of resources in the community to help you if you feel your child is being bullied or is a bully. I can connect you to them.
62Resources - BooksGirl Wars, Twelve Strategies that Will End Female Bullying, Dellasega, C. & Nixon, C. (2003)Odd Girl Out, Simmons, R. (2002)Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence, Wiseman, R. (2002)Seven Years Seven Ways: Surviving Your Teen and Preteen Years, Bladow, C. (2007)Books for younger kids:The Recess Queen, O'Neill, A. (2002)Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon, Lovell, P., & Catrow, D. (2001)Bootsie Barker Bites, Bottner, B., & Rathmann, P. (1997)