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Marriage Class February 19, 2012 “Healthy Boundaries: The Basis for a Connecting Marriage” Presented by Pastor Jim Ennis.

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Presentation on theme: "Marriage Class February 19, 2012 “Healthy Boundaries: The Basis for a Connecting Marriage” Presented by Pastor Jim Ennis."— Presentation transcript:

1 Marriage Class February 19, 2012 “Healthy Boundaries: The Basis for a Connecting Marriage” Presented by Pastor Jim Ennis

2 REVIEW Spiritual Friendship: The Basis for a Great Marriage “His speech is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.” ~ Song of Solomon 5:16 (NRSV) Truth and Love: The Basis for a Safe Marriage “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” ~ Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)

3 Healthy Boundaries: The Basis for a Connecting Marriage "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6 NIV) A marriage is comprised of companions who depend on each other as equals, not as a needy person depends on his/her provider. Each is still responsible for his/her own life and welfare, which is different from the added responsibility a parent has for a child.

4 4 Marriage is first and foremost about love. It is bound together by the care, need, companionship, and values of two people, which can overcome hurt, immaturity, and selfishness to form something better than what each person alone can produce. Love is at the heart of marriage as it is at the heart of God Himself. ~ Rescuing Your Love Life and Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend

5 Bids for Emotional Connection From The Relationship Cure by John Gottman People make bids because of their natural desire to feel connected with other people. Such needs can be quite fleeting— like the impulse to exchange pleasantries with a friendly grocery clerk. Or they can be quite profound—like the longing to share comfort with a close friend when a mutual loved one dies.

6 How Bids Work A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch—any single expression that says, ‘I want to feel connected to you.’ A response to a bid is just that—a positive or negative answer to somebody’s request for emotional connection.

7 People typically respond to another’s bid for connection in one of three ways: Turning Toward: reacting positively to another’s bids for emotional connection Turning Against: People who turn against another’s bids for emotional connection often do so with sarcasm or ridicule Turning Away: This pattern of relating generally involves ignoring another’s bid, or acting preoccupied.

8 Bid Busters and How to Avoid Them Being mindless rather than mindful – Become a collector of emotional moments Starting on a sour note – Harsh vs soft startups Using harmful criticisms instead of helpful complaints.

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10 Relations with In-Laws In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman claims that most family tension tends to be between the wife and her mother-in-law. “At the core of the tension is a turf battle between the two women for the husband’s love. The wife is watching to see whether her husband backs her or his mother. She is wondering, ‘Which family are you really in?’”

11 Often the mother is asking the same question. The man, for his part, just wishes the two women could get along better. He loves them both and doesn’t want to have to choose. The whole idea is ridiculous to him. After all, he has loyalties to each, and he must honor and respect both. Unfortunately, this attitude often throws him into the role of peacemaker or mediator, which invariably makes the situation worse.

12 The Task: Establishing a sense of “we-ness” or solidarity, between husband and wife. An important part of putting your spouse first and building this sense of solidarity is not to tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents. The Solution: the only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. ~ John Gottman

13 Bibliography 1. Benner, David G., Sacred Companions 2. Bloom, Anthony, Beginning to Pray 3. Buckingham, Marcus, The One Thing You Need to Know About… 4. Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John Rescuing Your Love Life and Boundaries in Marriage 5. Dym, Barry & L. Glenn, Michael, COUPLES 6. Ford, Leighton, The Attentive Life 7. Goleman, Daniel, Social Intelligence 8. Gottman, John, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure 9. Keller, Timothy, The Meaning of Marriage 10. Lamott, Anne, Grace (Eventually) 11. Ortberg, John, The Me I Want to Be


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