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牧養事奉中的性困扰与陷阱 Sexuality & Pastoral Ministry Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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Presentation on theme: "牧養事奉中的性困扰与陷阱 Sexuality & Pastoral Ministry Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist"— Presentation transcript:

1 牧養事奉中的性困扰与陷阱 Sexuality & Pastoral Ministry Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA Mowry Ave., Fremont, CA 94538

2 Sexual Desires and the Pursuit of Holiness 情欲天所賜 Available at

3 提多書 1:6-9 聖經新譯本 如果有人無可指摘,只作一個妻子的丈夫, 兒女都信主,也沒有人控告他們放蕩或不受 約束,才可以作長老。 因為監督是上帝的管家,所以必須無可指摘、不 任性、不隨便動怒、不好酒、不打人、不貪不 義之財;卻要接待客旅、喜愛良善、自律、公 正、聖潔、自制,堅守那合乎教義、可靠的真 道,好使他能夠用純正的道理勸勉人,並且能 夠折服反對的人。

4 基督徒心理网址 ( 介紹 ) www. CCCC hhhh rrrr iiii ssss tttt iiii aaaa nnnn MMMM eeee nnnn tttt aaaa llll HHHH eeee aaaa llll tttt hhhh.... cccc oooo mmmm**** wwww wwww wwww.... AAAA ssss iiii aaaa nnnn PPPP ssss yyyy.... cccc oooo mmmm**** wwww wwww wwww.... CCCC hhhh iiii nnnn eeee ssss eeee MMMM eeee nnnn tttt aaaa llll HHHH eeee aaaa llll tttt hhhh.... cccc oooo mmmm**** Dr. Melvin Wong

5 Types of Ministry Sexual Issues Attempts in Narcissistic Self-Repair 1.A ctive主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) 2.P assive被動(Not Consciously-Planned) 外遇

6 Narcissistic Self-Repair Self-Esteem Issues: I am Important-Worthy –I–I–I–I am lovable –I–I–I–I must not be ignored or abandoned –I–I–I–I enjoy (crave) attention from pretty women Control–Mastery Issues –I–I–I–It hurts too much to be unloved –I–I–I–I must love myself (Egotism-Narcissism) –I–I–I–I will succeed in intimacy striving myself

7 Types of Ministry Sexual Issues Attempts in Narcissistic Self-Repair 1.A ctive主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) 2.P assive被動(Not Consciously-Planned) 外遇 1.N eediness: Push-Pull effect 婚外情(戀) 2.P ain Reduction: Escape from suffering 3.O pportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situation 4.O bject of “love” obsession: Your “fan” 迷戀 5.“ Trapped” to be destroyed: Revenge driven

8 Active 主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) Pedophiles (Child-Molesters) 愛童坯 Exploitative-Oppressive Expressions Can be seen in early teenage years Two groups –M–M–M–Married with children: Socialized other problems (Money: borrowing, embezzle) –S–S–S–Single: Isolated & under-or-unsocialized The most dangerous group if smart & charismatic Have serial marriage, as rapists & serial killers

9 Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 Neediness: Push-Pull effect 婚外情(戀) Pull Effects (External factors) 外面拖力量 1.P ost-modernism in the 21st century 2.S ex culture in post-modernist life 3.M edia: TV, movies, video programs, advertising 4.W hy? “Sex sells!” Visual stimulation of men Push Effects (Internal factors) 內在推力量 1.U nsatisfied marital relationship: Mid-life crisis 2.C areer Disillusions: Sense of failure 3.C hildren’s birth & growth: empty nest

10 Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 Pain Reduction: Escape from suffering Neediness: Push Effect 婚外情 ( 戀 ) 1.Doubted marriage decision was a good one 2.Wife is not supportive: Source of frustration 3.Marital relationship maintained: But unhappy 4.Conflicts are denied: No skill to resolve or repair 5.With increased responsibilities: More frustration 6.Unassertive husband bears pain & wished it ends 7.Novelty extra-marital relationship: No history, New

11 Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 1.O pportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situation 2.U naware of limits & boundaries 1.A dult-child of dysfunctional family 1.P hysically, emotionally or sexually abused 2.U nhealthy emotional limits; greed 貪欲 3.T oo much disclosure of personal-marital issues 4.U nable to say “no” to women’ excessive self disclosure 5.T angled in dual relationships: “church secretary” 3.C an’t say no to pretty women: Pedestal effect 1.W ife has a bad history: This woman does not 2.T his woman is younger & prettier: “There’s hope”

12 Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 1.Object of “love” obsession: Your “fan” 迷戀 2.Secret admirer: Relationship in the “mind” 3.You are object of an emotional transference 1.An “ideal” husband that should be or have been 2.An “ideal” father who is loving and warm 3.An “old boy friend” who was nicer than spouse 4.She “loves” you to avenge your wife for “it is not fair” because “she’s too lucky”

13 Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 “Trapped” to be destroyed: Revenge driven 1.Woman is a “men-hater”: Conquer them! 2.Power & control expressed by woman 1.Usually very attractive, show-off & intelligent 2.Casual & easy sex: To “catch” you 1.Uses relationship as black-mail 2.Uses relationship or “pregnancy” to black-mail 3.“Part-time” relationship better than no relationship 3.Unusual reason: Spiritual warfare?

14 牧養事奉中的性困扰与陷阱 Reduced sexual desires for spouse: Age vs. health Spouse unwilling to satisfy sexual desire Pornography preoccupies your life Masturbation into marriage: Spouse unaware Sexual attraction to female other than your wife Sexual experience with woman in your church Sexual experience with your wife’s best friend Same-sex feelings that do not go away with prayer

15 Physical-Emotional Intimacy Stages 情感与肉体的親近的階段 1. 聊 天 (你好,天气不錯!) 2. 交 換信息 (眼光的接触: 電話號碼;地址) 3. 透 露喜好及主見 (喜歡吃面條? 米飯?餛飩?) 4. 透 露個人情感愛好 (眼神的接触: 我喜歡你!) 5. 承 諾:自己開始接受對方(我愛你!不會放棄你!) 6. 開 始有社會上接受的身体接觸 (肯定對方!) 7. 較 進一步身体的接觸 (摸:手, 臉, 頭髮, 唇, 腰) 8. 性 接觸-性關系 (男:將來的關系多集中在性)

16 The Physical Intimacy-Orgasmic Cycle 肉体的親近至性交高潮的循環 (Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D. 2000) 親密感覺是极端好的! 肉体的親近引至慾念滿足 慾念引至性的高潮 性高潮引至滿足感乃好! 性的高潮感=親密關系感覺是极端好的 性高潮可無意識地解決: 孤寂,自我低下評价觀,疲倦 攻擊性,憤怒,失望,遺棄感,挫敗感

17 Percentage of Those Seeking Sexual Fulfillment on the Internet ( Zogby International) Focus on the Family recently conducted a survey with Zogby InternationalFocus on the Family recently conducted a survey with Zogby International Indicating that 1 out of 5 American adults may have looked for sex on the InternetIndicating that 1 out of 5 American adults may have looked for sex on the Internet –20.8% of respondents to a March 8-10, 2000 survey admitted they had visited a sexually-oriented Web site

18 Percentage of Those Seeking Sexual Fulfillment on the Internet ( Zogby International) The percentage of those viewing sex sites was higher among males and young adults.The percentage of those viewing sex sites was higher among males and young adults. 31% of men surveyed said they had visited sex sites and31% of men surveyed said they had visited sex sites and –37% of year olds gave that response

19 Percentage of Those Seeking Sexual Fulfillment on the Internet ( Zogby International) Of interest to Focus on the Family was the fact thatOf interest to Focus on the Family was the fact that –17.8% of those who claim to be "born again" Christians –and 18% of those who are married have also viewed sex sites. In a follow-up question, nearly two-thirds of American adults thought it wasn't likely that sexual fulfillment could be found onlineIn a follow-up question, nearly two-thirds of American adults thought it wasn't likely that sexual fulfillment could be found online

20 The Problem: Clergy & Immorality 1992 Leadership magazine survey of pastors. SomeSome 46% acknowledged sexual problems 20%20% report some form of "inappropriate sexual contact," 10%10% intercourse outside of marriage. Psychologically:Psychologically: Extra-Marital Sex is for Intimacy, Friendship, Close Communication, Power, Control, Domination. Why does it happen? ResponsibilityResponsibility of elders & deacons. Sex is taboo? What does the Bible say?

21 Common Chinese Pastors Characteristics Low Personal Maturity: But highly Educated –C–C–C–Codependency, Dysfunctional-Abuse-Neglect Unable to Socialize: Loneliness in Pastorate –N–N–N–No friends, No team-work, No help, Territorial Low Conflicts Resolution Skills –R–R–R–Resentments built in Congregation, Win-Lose Mishandling of Trust and Authority –L–L–L–Low Accountability, Overstepping Boundaries,

22 Unhealthy Pastors Authoritarianism is the theme of sermonsAuthoritarianism is the theme of sermons –“Falling in line” “Conforming” “Controls” Pastor himself is the focus of sermonsPastor himself is the focus of sermons –Personal examples used to invoke self-adulation Messiah Complex. Emotional EnmeshmentMessiah Complex. Emotional Enmeshment Sermons are insensitive, simplistic, naiveSermons are insensitive, simplistic, naive –Sarcasm, disparaging illustration of others The pulpit is used as a Venting PlaceThe pulpit is used as a Venting Place They are flashy & Flamboyant: TheaterThey are flashy & Flamboyant: Theater

23 Healthy Pastors They use humor well. Can laugh at himself They have compassion & empathy –C–C–C–Can take others’ perspectives. A team-player –N–N–N–No sarcasm, cynicism, no personal attacks They glorify God but not themselves They can express gratitude, not patronize They admit personal limitations They manifest good boundaries: Can say no

24 一般華人婚外情 ( 戀 ) 的心理特色 男性: 自戀的個性 (自我無限化) 女性 : “邊緣” 的個性 (心理焦慮与精神崩潰的邊緣)

25 Narcissism Features Over Self-Evaluation: “False Self-Confidence” Exploitation of others in name of ministry Entitlement: Self-expectations of special treatment Narcissistic Injury: Rage when criticized Lacks Empathy: “Bad Taste Humor” Can’t comfort Preoccupation with Envy: “They compare” Absence of Guilt & Introspection

26 Hazards of Pastoral Ministry Public Self: Are you genuine in public? Private Self: Are you a different person at home? Genuine Self: Reconciling Public & Private Selves –H–H–H–How do you know what is your real self? –H–H–H–Have you already lost your genuine self? Is there a place where you can be real? Do you have fellow ministry partners to be real with?

27 Specific Pastoral Hazards Limits Violation: Congregation member, personal friend, counselee, baby-sitter, friend of my wife, lunch partner? Boundary Violation: Limit conversation content Relational Dependence: Can you do without her? Emotional Dependence: You must talk to her? Sexual Dependence: Have you already violated sexual boundary “So can’t stop?”

28 Dealing with unhealthy defenses Intellectualization 思考化 : “If I can think about it and it is logical, it must be right” Rationalization 合理化 : “It is reasonable, therefore it must be right” Spiritualization 屬靈化 : “There is a Biblical support, therefore it must be right” Justification 辯護化 : “Therefore, it is right and no one can challenge me!” Accountability & Counseling: “Check reality”

29 Over-Coming The Pitfalls Build Friendships: Dual Relationships & Boundaries. Can you have a church buddy? –L–L–L–Learn to establish intimate relationships: Vulnerability –V–V–V–Variety of friendships, no dual relationships –F–F–F–Friend to your Spouse & Children Balance of Rational-Emotional Awareness Accountability Group: Other pastors, counselor Get Personal Counseling for self: Confidentiality


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