Types of Ministry Sexual Issues Attempts in Narcissistic Self-Repair 1.A ctive主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) 2.P assive被動(Not Consciously-Planned) 外遇
Narcissistic Self-Repair Self-Esteem Issues: I am Important-Worthy –I–I–I–I am lovable –I–I–I–I must not be ignored or abandoned –I–I–I–I enjoy (crave) attention from pretty women Control–Mastery Issues –I–I–I–It hurts too much to be unloved –I–I–I–I must love myself (Egotism-Narcissism) –I–I–I–I will succeed in intimacy striving myself
Types of Ministry Sexual Issues Attempts in Narcissistic Self-Repair 1.A ctive主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) 2.P assive被動(Not Consciously-Planned) 外遇 1.N eediness: Push-Pull effect 婚外情(戀) 2.P ain Reduction: Escape from suffering 3.O pportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situation 4.O bject of “love” obsession: Your “fan” 迷戀 5.“ Trapped” to be destroyed: Revenge driven
Active 主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) Pedophiles (Child-Molesters) 愛童坯 Exploitative-Oppressive Expressions Can be seen in early teenage years Two groups –M–M–M–Married with children: Socialized other problems (Money: borrowing, embezzle) –S–S–S–Single: Isolated & under-or-unsocialized The most dangerous group if smart & charismatic Have serial marriage, as rapists & serial killers
Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 Neediness: Push-Pull effect 婚外情(戀) Pull Effects (External factors) 外面拖力量 1.P ost-modernism in the 21st century 2.S ex culture in post-modernist life 3.M edia: TV, movies, video programs, advertising 4.W hy? “Sex sells!” Visual stimulation of men Push Effects (Internal factors) 內在推力量 1.U nsatisfied marital relationship: Mid-life crisis 2.C areer Disillusions: Sense of failure 3.C hildren’s birth & growth: empty nest
Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 Pain Reduction: Escape from suffering Neediness: Push Effect 婚外情 ( 戀 ) 1.Doubted marriage decision was a good one 2.Wife is not supportive: Source of frustration 3.Marital relationship maintained: But unhappy 4.Conflicts are denied: No skill to resolve or repair 5.With increased responsibilities: More frustration 6.Unassertive husband bears pain & wished it ends 7.Novelty extra-marital relationship: No history, New
Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 1.O pportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situation 2.U naware of limits & boundaries 1.A dult-child of dysfunctional family 1.P hysically, emotionally or sexually abused 2.U nhealthy emotional limits; greed 貪欲 3.T oo much disclosure of personal-marital issues 4.U nable to say “no” to women’ excessive self disclosure 5.T angled in dual relationships: “church secretary” 3.C an’t say no to pretty women: Pedestal effect 1.W ife has a bad history: This woman does not 2.T his woman is younger & prettier: “There’s hope”
Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 1.Object of “love” obsession: Your “fan” 迷戀 2.Secret admirer: Relationship in the “mind” 3.You are object of an emotional transference 1.An “ideal” husband that should be or have been 2.An “ideal” father who is loving and warm 3.An “old boy friend” who was nicer than spouse 4.She “loves” you to avenge your wife for “it is not fair” because “she’s too lucky”
Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 “Trapped” to be destroyed: Revenge driven 1.Woman is a “men-hater”: Conquer them! 2.Power & control expressed by woman 1.Usually very attractive, show-off & intelligent 2.Casual & easy sex: To “catch” you 1.Uses relationship as black-mail 2.Uses relationship or “pregnancy” to black-mail 3.“Part-time” relationship better than no relationship 3.Unusual reason: Spiritual warfare?
牧養事奉中的性困扰与陷阱 Reduced sexual desires for spouse: Age vs. health Spouse unwilling to satisfy sexual desire Pornography preoccupies your life Masturbation into marriage: Spouse unaware Sexual attraction to female other than your wife Sexual experience with woman in your church Sexual experience with your wife’s best friend Same-sex feelings that do not go away with prayer
Percentage of Those Seeking Sexual Fulfillment on the Internet ( Zogby International) Focus on the Family recently conducted a survey with Zogby InternationalFocus on the Family recently conducted a survey with Zogby International Indicating that 1 out of 5 American adults may have looked for sex on the InternetIndicating that 1 out of 5 American adults may have looked for sex on the Internet –20.8% of respondents to a March 8-10, 2000 survey admitted they had visited a sexually-oriented Web site
Percentage of Those Seeking Sexual Fulfillment on the Internet ( Zogby International) The percentage of those viewing sex sites was higher among males and young adults.The percentage of those viewing sex sites was higher among males and young adults. 31% of men surveyed said they had visited sex sites and31% of men surveyed said they had visited sex sites and –37% of 18-24 year olds gave that response
Percentage of Those Seeking Sexual Fulfillment on the Internet ( Zogby International) Of interest to Focus on the Family was the fact thatOf interest to Focus on the Family was the fact that –17.8% of those who claim to be "born again" Christians –and 18% of those who are married have also viewed sex sites. In a follow-up question, nearly two-thirds of American adults thought it wasn't likely that sexual fulfillment could be found onlineIn a follow-up question, nearly two-thirds of American adults thought it wasn't likely that sexual fulfillment could be found online
The Problem: Clergy & Immorality 1992 Leadership magazine survey of pastors. SomeSome 46% acknowledged sexual problems 20%20% report some form of "inappropriate sexual contact," 10%10% intercourse outside of marriage. Psychologically:Psychologically: Extra-Marital Sex is for Intimacy, Friendship, Close Communication, Power, Control, Domination. Why does it happen? ResponsibilityResponsibility of elders & deacons. Sex is taboo? What does the Bible say?
Common Chinese Pastors Characteristics Low Personal Maturity: But highly Educated –C–C–C–Codependency, Dysfunctional-Abuse-Neglect Unable to Socialize: Loneliness in Pastorate –N–N–N–No friends, No team-work, No help, Territorial Low Conflicts Resolution Skills –R–R–R–Resentments built in Congregation, Win-Lose Mishandling of Trust and Authority –L–L–L–Low Accountability, Overstepping Boundaries,
Unhealthy Pastors Authoritarianism is the theme of sermonsAuthoritarianism is the theme of sermons –“Falling in line” “Conforming” “Controls” Pastor himself is the focus of sermonsPastor himself is the focus of sermons –Personal examples used to invoke self-adulation Messiah Complex. Emotional EnmeshmentMessiah Complex. Emotional Enmeshment Sermons are insensitive, simplistic, naiveSermons are insensitive, simplistic, naive –Sarcasm, disparaging illustration of others The pulpit is used as a Venting PlaceThe pulpit is used as a Venting Place They are flashy & Flamboyant: TheaterThey are flashy & Flamboyant: Theater
Healthy Pastors They use humor well. Can laugh at himself They have compassion & empathy –C–C–C–Can take others’ perspectives. A team-player –N–N–N–No sarcasm, cynicism, no personal attacks They glorify God but not themselves They can express gratitude, not patronize They admit personal limitations They manifest good boundaries: Can say no
Narcissism Features Over Self-Evaluation: “False Self-Confidence” Exploitation of others in name of ministry Entitlement: Self-expectations of special treatment Narcissistic Injury: Rage when criticized Lacks Empathy: “Bad Taste Humor” Can’t comfort Preoccupation with Envy: “They compare” Absence of Guilt & Introspection
Hazards of Pastoral Ministry Public Self: Are you genuine in public? Private Self: Are you a different person at home? Genuine Self: Reconciling Public & Private Selves –H–H–H–How do you know what is your real self? –H–H–H–Have you already lost your genuine self? Is there a place where you can be real? Do you have fellow ministry partners to be real with?
Specific Pastoral Hazards Limits Violation: Congregation member, personal friend, counselee, baby-sitter, friend of my wife, lunch partner? Boundary Violation: Limit conversation content Relational Dependence: Can you do without her? Emotional Dependence: You must talk to her? Sexual Dependence: Have you already violated sexual boundary “So can’t stop?”
Dealing with unhealthy defenses Intellectualization 思考化 : “If I can think about it and it is logical, it must be right” Rationalization 合理化 : “It is reasonable, therefore it must be right” Spiritualization 屬靈化 : “There is a Biblical support, therefore it must be right” Justification 辯護化 : “Therefore, it is right and no one can challenge me!” Accountability & Counseling: “Check reality”
Over-Coming The Pitfalls Build Friendships: Dual Relationships & Boundaries. Can you have a church buddy? –L–L–L–Learn to establish intimate relationships: Vulnerability –V–V–V–Variety of friendships, no dual relationships –F–F–F–Friend to your Spouse & Children Balance of Rational-Emotional Awareness Accountability Group: Other pastors, counselor Get Personal Counseling for self: Confidentiality