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Marriage Intensive Course - The Art of Intimacy Hud McWilliams.

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Presentation on theme: "Marriage Intensive Course - The Art of Intimacy Hud McWilliams."— Presentation transcript:

1 Marriage Intensive Course - The Art of Intimacy Hud McWilliams

2 Objective of Course Historically Marriage Counselors were trained in Anecdotal research However research has now brought information which helps provide a better insight Objective of the day is to define a healthy relationship That will help People and their marriages to grow Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

3 Key Findings from Research To establish a health Marriage, 70% of issues can actually be left unresolved – if they are aired and discussed, then they can be agreed to be left open. This is not to say an item can be ignored, if an item continue resurfaces, then it is needs to be addressed From the Research the status of marriages can be assessed If your relationship is Sick or Good, you are not alone, but hopefully this will help you move to the healthy side SickGoodHealthy 35%55%10% Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

4 SECTION 1 Understanding a good marriage Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

5 A good Marriage needs to be Intentional - Need to decide we wish to grow Deliberate - Put on Calendar (should be fun) Counter Instinctive/Intuitive - Everything asked of us in Scripture is counter intuitive (since the fall) “If you don't trust me, you can't love me” Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

6 Marriages range from TransactionalIntimate UnhealthyHealthy Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

7 Transactional Relationship Goal = Contract / Comfort / Complete Either / Or (self or together) I receive X you receive Y Stuck / Demands Gift / Instinctive / Natural Convert Reactive Withhold / Dump Quick / Harsh Not What / How you talk Predictable (can be profiled) Conscious Romance (to sugar coat) Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

8 Intimate Relationship Goal = Covenant / Grow / Exposed Both / and (self and together) Exposed - nothing hidden (with blackmail, best exposed to get rid of it) Free / Own Achievement Understand Responsive / Suspend Judgement Edit (careful of what they say and how) Gentle How you talk / Not what Unpredictable Spontaneous Process and Play well Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

9 Further Points of Interest If someone wins, the relationship loses Healthy relationships have an underlying friendship Speaking the truth in love - therefore you grow up - Paul Research identified that couples only spend 14 minutes per week (2 minutes per day) speaking. Friendships most important thing in our lives Song of Solomon sees partner as Sister, before Spouse - leads to a different type of relationship Inexpressable comfort of feeling safe with somebody Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

10 Preparing for the exercise Liminal points are how we tell our story Tension - faith (can hang on a line - so not got hands for anyone else - you are in your own hands) Ambiguity Spend 90 minutes on the relationship piece Behavioural change not the same as heart change If don't know ourselves well, we will protect ourselves from relationships. Churches can be life neutral If Life Giving we will be in Liminal space If Life sucking / Life destroying (cults) Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

11 SESSION 2 Making Space and rules to grow Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

12 Create a healthy ring Tension to be alone against tension to be together - so can go through a cycle of one or the other to avoid the tension that will grow you We learn we can fight naturally - Rules are there are no rules. Goal - I'm going to win. This is unhealthy. We need to wrestle (Jacob - the cheat - avoided tension at all cost) - name changed to Israel - people who wrestle with God. Wrestling has rules a time limit a referee Done in a specific space - Going to be challenged - it will be Win Win Additional insights Intimicacy not possible with two people Marriage is bigger than the couple Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

13 Don’t beat yourselves YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR OWN BUTT - treat each other kindly God has come in order to Test us to do good for us so you might not sin - so we can enjoy life to find out what is in our heart - so we know so the fear may remain to consider it all joy Wrestling allows us to challenge the relationship at the inner core Can pre-decide the rules to create the referee, so when no issues/pressures we will continue to play by those rules Jesus' first Miracle was a party - part of God's original design (Prodigal son's return a Party) James - 5:16 - confess to one another (as a couple you are one, so need an outsider) 70% of differences in a marriage do not need to be resolved to have a healthy marriage Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

14 We are made for other centred love If one is willing to grow, the other isn't - the relationship changes anyway. Ephesians - the change of Jesus' bride When our partner changes, we then are likely to have to change as well - we will be challenged Healthy process and play well Can only be responsible for ourselves Play - spontaneous Can never exhaust finding out about another Principle of becoming one, can be assumed as enmeshed - however this can be unhealthy. Grasped hands / Touching hands as a comparison Holding on / choosing to go together Working out of the desire to be together - Do we want a partner or person to be with? Psalms - like a weened child (because they want to, not need to) As a Christian couple, you could decide it is easier to separate This is deciding to be happy, rather than joy (which can be demanding or costly). As a whole person you will choose to take the difficult route. The other is a victim or cause blame. We need to make a choice Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

15 SESSION 3 Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

16 God Centred Marriage Our vows are to God, not to each other. A healthy relationship is a balancing act, between the needs of my partner and myself. When we make the best connection, there is a level of dissatisfaction. The relational bridge is not strong enough to cope with all of our relationship needs. We have a tendency as creatures designed to worship, to worship our mate. They will let us down, as they are human, we need to ensure we have the right kind of love, and direct our Worship to God (God first) We need to assess if we have a Nurturing love or Worshipful (addictive) love. Acceptance, not approval, is the basis of true love. The message of "I am proud" is possibly reinforcing our views, rather than really loving and accepting of the other person. The same with "I love you" is the basis for abuse. There are no formulae, as there are no real models in scripture – as we are unique, so is our relationship Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

17 How we approach each other If self centred, more likely to say I love you, to get your desired response. It can become a habit saying "I love you". Move to "I will not harm you" as a statement, to avoid co- dependence instead of real love. Leadership and Self Deception / The anatomy of Peace (Arbinger Group) Man with deformed daughter, blamed God. Took 10 years to have recognition that if we take ownership that we have to take this on board. There is not a behavioural reason people need to divorce. It is more because of a hardened heart. Take Ownership of who God made you to be. We enter into a relationship to understand our partner, not convert them. Healthy people suspend Judgement - wait before reaching conclusion Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

18 Managing the challenges Huge difference between intent and impact. Separate the two. State - that really hurt, what did you really mean? That did feel loving? Reactive is when time is pushed out. Responsiveness forces space back in. "I have a great thought, but I am not able to express it right now" - set time to talk though Flooding - adrenaline led response - need to make time for it to release. Give a start and stop time - both know there is an end Make little, tiny, changes. Jesus was more frequently rejected than accepted - why do we think we should be any better. Healthy people accept influence, unhealthy reject it. Issues given space to be dealt with in a healthy family Healthy are able to defend themselves, unhealthy are defensive. Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

19 Additional Literature Manipulation/dp/0764207938 Work/dp/0609805797 Meditations/dp/1590523741 Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

20 Final Help You have to create 1 Litre of Hot Tomato Sauce Even in the best case scenario, there is a mess. Methods (none of which are perfect) Results An Open Fire No SauceNo FireA Mess An Open Fire, a ½l pan Not enough SaucePossibly No FireA Mess An Open Fire, a 6l pan Hot SauceA FireA Mess Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

21 How does this apply to us Proverbs 3 v 27 - Do not withhold good from anyone. We need to create the container in our own lives Each week, one has responsibility of the container, both the what and the how. What (what are you going to talk about) How (define how you can talk) The container will give you the space to handle the messiness. To put it into the box. It doesn't need to be gritty items, it is your box. PREPARE WHEN YOU ARE HEALTHY. You won't when it is unhealthy. Copyright Hud McWilliams, Mountainview Church

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