Presentation on theme: "LESSON 7 DISTURBANCES AND CRITICAL PHASES OF TEEN ROMANCE UNDER CONSTRUCTION Presented by THE NATURAL SYSTEMS INSTITUTE."— Presentation transcript:
LESSON 7 DISTURBANCES AND CRITICAL PHASES OF TEEN ROMANCE UNDER CONSTRUCTION Presented by THE NATURAL SYSTEMS INSTITUTE
THE HONEYMOON PERIOD When they become an item, they are enthralled, devoted, desperate to please. They praise everything about each other. They agree on everything. But, especially, their sexual experience becomes paradise. Both the male and female have special hormones secreted during new romance that makes them exquisitely sensitive to sex, to touch, voice and everything about their lover. For the female, this hormone is oxytocin. Oddly, this state lasts for about six months, a long honeymoon period. For now, authenticity takes a back seat. Putting best foot forward. If this were not a romantic relationship, things would be noticed about the other that are disagreeable or even offensive. During the honeymoon period, these aspects are simply not seen, except on a very deeply unconscious level. This is the flip side of the person that they hid both from themselves and the other so as to keep the magic alive. With the sex being so great and all consuming, it is easy to not see or reveal anything the least bit contrary. Nevertheless, both experience an illusion of an exhilarating sense of spontaneity and unconditional love. Of course, some lovers fight in the beginning, but for them, this is highly exciting - to each his own! Nevertheless, these incongruities are stored in that deep cellar of the mind. The suppressed tendencies will eventually begin to surface, but recognition of these tendencies in the other will still be denied later on.
BAGGAGE FROM PAST LOVES THAT COMES BACK TO HAUNT AND JEOPARDIZE THE POSSIBILITIES FOR HAPPINESS IN EACH NEW RELATIONSHIP
THE NATURALIZATION PHASE: TESTING THE WATERS WITH AUTHENTICITY Now the oxytocin is wearing off, the suppressed tendencies are pushing for release and defenses are wearing thin. They are used to each other. They have begun to relax. Now they begin to notice that the other has changed or is changing but the reason is unknown. A new kind of negative reciprocity arises. Now each says, ‘Well, if he/she can do that or be that way, then I will too’. All the while that there is a longing to be oneself natural self again, there is beginning to be a resentment over this new side of the other they are seeing. Doubts about the sincerity of the other’s love, their fidelity, their reliability, all of the feelings they had cherished and things they had taken for granted are slipping away and being replaced with distrust and insecurity because of the other and resentment over being prevented from being themselves. Desperation for the other and resentment toward the other is quite a combination, very confusing and uncomfortable. Given a little time and one or the other will begin to say they need space or feel suffocated. NATURALIZATION PHASE I’m tired of putting my best foot forward. I think I’ll try putting my most natural foot forward. I’m tired of putting my best foot forward. I think I’ll try putting my most natural foot forward.
NATURALIZATION OR HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN THE DRAGONS ARE LET OUT OF THE CLOSET WHEN THE PUBLIC PERSONALITY WITH ITS ACCOMMODATION AND COSMETICS WEARS DOWN, THE PRIVATE PERSON, HIDDEN IN THE CLOSET FOR SIX MONTHS, BURSTS OUT WITH A VENGEANCE. IT IS THEN WE DISCOVER OUR OWN NATURAL STYLES AND ARE SHOCKED AT THE REVELATION OF WHO WE REALLY MARRIED.
CRISIS EVENTS AND THEIR EFFECTS ON RELATIONSHIPS Marriage Having a Baby Death or Loss of Someone Very Close Change in Job New Member of Household (temporary or indefinite) Change of Life Outstanding Awards or Unusual Achievements Public Humiliation or Failure Trauma or accidents with serious damage to body or property or other sudden serious loss
STRUGGLING WITH THE DISILLUSIONMENT The true test of a relationship’s durability with mutual fulfillment comes when each party begins to naturalize the relationship and become truly authentic. When there is disillusionment after the naturalization stage, the couple has two choices: decide together to try to understand and change where needed their unrealistic or incompatible criteria for fulfillment, their unconscious style of relating, their unconscious scenarios they continue to re enact. In other words, they agree to make a serious attempt to broadly restructure the relationship. This decision and goal will require an enormous investment of time and emotional energy and will involve brutal honesty with oneself and the endurance of considerable humiliation and pain. Some people can not call up the necessary strength and courage or can not accept the cost. Initially either may consent while in their heart, again unspoken, they have already moved on and just want to manage their image. Sometimes too much damage has been done or the disillusionment was too great. STRUGGLING WITH DISILLUSIONMENT
LOVE AND LIMERANCE
BEGINNING ROMANCE: THE WORLD SUDDENLY DISAPPEARS
THE INTIMACY WAFFLE DANCE WHEN THE COUPLE GETS VERY CLOSE, ONE OR THE OTHER WILL TAKE THE INITIATIVE TO PULL AWAY. ONE IS DEFINED AS POSSESSIVE AND THE OTHER AS BEING AFRAID OF COMMITMENT OR INCAPABLE OF INTIMACY. WHILE HURLING NEGATIVE LABELS AT ONE ANOTHER, BOTH ARE COVERING UP THEIR DEEPER FEAR OF INTIMACY, THE FEAR OF LOSING THEIR INDEPENDENT WILL, OF THEIR PERSON-HOOD BEING SWALLOWED UP.
THE NEED FOR SECURITY AND BELONGING LEADS TO THE OTHER FEELING SMOTHERED AND PULLING AWAY. PULLING AWAY LEADS TO FEAR OF REJECTION AND SEEKING COMFORT ELSEWHERE.
NOT WANTING TO BE SWALLOWED UP BY THE OTHER DOES NOT MEAN NOT WANTING THEM TO PROVIDE WARMTH, SECURITY, BELONGING, AND NURTURANCE. EACH PARTY IN THE RELATIONSHIP HAS THE VERY, DIFFICULT TASK OF DIFFERENTIATING THE TWO CONTRASTING NEEDS OF INDEPENDENCE AND BEING NURTURED.
FACING THE MUSIC EACH PARTY, THROUGH THEIR BEHAVIOR DURING THE WAFFLE DANCE, COMMUNICATES MESSAGES THEY DO NOT WANT TO COMMUNICATE. REPARATION BECOMES TORTUOUS AND FILLED WITH RECRIMINATIONS AND EXCESSIVE DEMANDS FOR PROOF OF FAITHFULNESS, DEPENDABILITY, AND EXCLUSIVE LOVE. IF SUCCESSFUL, THEIR REAFFIRMING OF LOVE IS USUALLY REMORSEFUL AND PASSIONATE. COUPLES WITH THE GREATEST EMOTIONAL INSECURITY AND THE LEAST EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE HAVE THE GREATEST DIFFICULTY WITH INTIMACY AND WITH THESE TRYING EPISODES OF WAFFLE DANCING.