1. Gendered Close Relationships
Chapter 9

2. Meaning of Personal Relationships
Personal relationships = partners depend on each other
Regard each other as unique individuals who cannot be replaced
Most of our relationships are social or professional

3. Models of Personal Relationships
Differences in masculine and feminine orientations to close relationships coincide with male and female approaches to relationships
Researchers disagree about what the differences mean

4. The Male Deficit Model
Society views women as interpersonally sensitive
Assume their ways of forming relationships the right way
Claim men’s styles of building relationships is inadequate – male deficit model

5. The Male Deficit Model
Assumption of model is personal talk is hallmark of intimacy
Women self-disclose more
Women more intimate than men
Led to judgments men deficient
Men advised to overcome deficiencies

6. The Male Deficit Model
Male feminists thought men emotionally repressed
Would be enriched by expressing feelings
Researchers claimed men felt threatened by intimacy
Men suffer from stunted emotional development

7. The Male Deficit Model
Much sentiment still holds men are deficient in ability to express emotion
Researchers began to question this assumption

8. The Alternate Paths Model
Alternate paths model - gendered socialization root of differences in styles of relating
Does not presume masculine people lack feelings
Suggests socialization constrains men’s comfort in expressing

9. The Alternate Paths Model
Masculine people do express closeness, but not in same way feminine people do
Both styles equally valid

10. The Alternate Paths Model
Alternative paths model challenges research used to support male deficit model
Feminine ruler misrepresents masculine modes of caring

11. The Alternate Paths Model
Men develop closeness in the doing

12. The Alternate Paths Model
Engaging in activities is an alternate way to express intimacy
Talking about problems less effective than diversionary activities

13. The Alternate Paths Model
Women engage in emotional and instrumental communication
Men engage in less explicit emotional communication, but do express emotions in a range of ways
Many activities males engage in enhance emotional closeness

14. The Alternate Paths Model
Gender of person needing support may be as important as sex of person offering support
Women engage in more comforting messages
Both sexes more sensitive when comforting woman than men

15. The Alternate Paths Model
Masculine people find intimate talk doesn’t make them feel close
Feminine people find instrumental demonstrations of commitment unsatisfying
Healthy relationships require us to be bilingual

16. Gendered Styles of Friendship
Both sexes value friends and invest in them
Both sexes engage in instrumental and expressive modes of building closeness
Differences in how men and women interact with friends

17. Gendered Styles of Friendship
Women engage each other face to face
Men interact side by side
Men engage in activities that do not involve facing each other

18. Gendered Styles of Friendship
Crux of friendship:
Men – doing things together
Women – talking together

19. Feminine Friendships
Women - talk primary way to build and enrich friendships
Share feelings and problems to know and be known
Talk about daily lives

20. Feminine Friendships Women friends want to know each other in depth
They are each other’s confidantes

21. Feminine Friendships Communication - expressive and supportive
More permeable ego boundaries cultivate skill in empathizing

22. Feminine Friendships
Difficult to deal with feelings of envy and competitiveness toward friends
Wrong to have such feelings

23. Feminine Friendships
Difficult to override expectations of being available and caring
Feel guilty if not able to nurture others

24. Feminine Friendships Women talk explicitly about relationship
Comfortable stating affection
Allows women to monitor friendship

25. Feminine Friendships
Women tend to not restrict self disclosure to specific areas
Women know each other in complex ways

26. Masculine Friendships
Activities center of friendships
Friendships revolve around shared activities, particularly sports
Cultivates camaraderie

27. Masculine Friendships
Friendships have instrumental focus
Like to do things for people they care about
Involve instrumental reciprocity

28. Masculine Friendships
Men less emotionally disclosive with other men than with women
Help by suggesting diversionary activities to take mind off troubles

29. Masculine Friendships
Men’s friendships less likely to last if one moves away
Women can sustain friendship through phone calls, etc.

30. Masculine Friendships
Men’s friendships involve covert intimacy
Signal affection by teasing, competition, playful punches

31. Masculine Friendships
Women and men consider overt expressions of affection important
Men restrict to opposite sex
Women always employ

32. Masculine Friendships
Friendships restricted in scope
Different friends for various interests
May not share many dimensions of their lives with friends

33. Friendships between Women & Men
Friendships between the sexes pose challenges and offer opportunities for growth
Difficult not to see each other in sexual terms

34. Friendships between Women & Men
Tension arises from sex- segregated socialization in childhood
Women – benefit of friendships with men is less emotionally intense companionship
Men – benefit of friendships is access to emotional support

35. Friendships between Women & Men
Men and women receive more emotional support with women than with men
Men reluctant to be emotionally supportive of men – inconsistent with views of gender

36. Friendships between Women & Men
Men talk more in cross-sex friendships
Both sexes report friendships with women more satisfying
Both sexes seek women friends in times of stress

37. Gendered Romantic Relationships
Cultural script for romance:
Feminine women/masculine men desirable
Men should initiate activities
Women should facilitate conversation
Men should excel in status and money

38. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Personal ads written by men place priority on feminine physical qualities
Women’s ads emphasize status and success
Views of desirable partners reflect cultural gender expectations

39. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Conventional dating script calls for men to take the initiative
Androgynous individuals behave in more flexible ways
Less role playing between gay men and between lesbian women

40. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Men fall in love faster and harder
More active, impulsive, sexualized, game playing
Women more pragmatic, friendship focused

41. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Members of both sexes enjoy casual sex
Women perceive sexual behavior as linked to emotional involvement
Difference evident in gay and lesbian relationships as well

42. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Heterosexual men more interested in sex whether or not attracted to a woman
Lesbians date for a while before becoming sexual
Gay men more likely to have sex early in relationship

43. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Women more likely to focus on relationship dynamics
Lesbians take mutual responsibility for nurturing
Gays less likely to focus on nurturing

44. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Heterosexual relationships reflect traditional gender roles
Men perceived as head of family
Women assume responsibility for domestic labor and child care
African American relationships more egalitarian

45. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Gay and lesbian relationships do not follow roles typical of heterosexual couples
Resemble best-friend relationships with added dimension of sexuality

46. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Lesbian relationships - more monogamous
High in emotionality
Most equality

47. Developing Romantic Intimacy
Gays and lesbians follow dating script similar to heterosexuals
Gay men more likely than lesbians to associate sex with first date
Lesbian women more likely to associate emotional sharing with first date

48. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection
Masculine mode of expressing affection is instrumental and activity focused
Feminine mode is emotionally expressive and talk focused

49. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection
Women – ongoing conversation about feelings and activities primary way to enrich relationships
Masculine speech communities – primary reasons to talk is solving problems and achieving goals

50. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection
Unless there is a problem, men find talking about relationship unnecessary
Women feel ongoing talk keeps problems from developing

51. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection
Feminine or androgynous ways of expressing care valued by both sexes
Also count on traditionally masculine modes of caring

52. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection
Gay men engage in more emotional talk than straight men but less than women
Lesbians build most expressive communication climate
More satisfaction with relationships

53. Autonomy & Connection Autonomy and connection - two basic human needs
Gender affects how much of these we seek and find comfortable
Masculine individuals want greater autonomy and less connection

54. Autonomy & Connection
Desire for different degrees generates friction in relationships
Demand-withdraw pattern
The more one demands talk, the more the other withdraws

55. Autonomy & Connection
Intensity of withdrawal is greater when woman requests change in man than when man requests change in woman

56. Autonomy & Connection Masculine - more comfortable with distance
Feminine - more comfortable with close connections
Behaviors can be misinterpreted

57. Responsibility for Relational Health
Lesbian couples share responsibility for relationship
Heterosexual couples – assume woman has primary responsibility for relationship

58. Responsibility for Relational Health
Difficult for one person to meet responsibility
May be seen as a nag
Highest levels of satisfaction when both responsible for the relationship

59. Gendered Power Dynamics
Historically, person who makes most money has the most power in heterosexual relationships
Men and women still believe man should be primary breadwinner

60. Gendered Power Dynamics
Problems fostered by men having more power not prominent in lesbian relationships
Gay partners may compete for status and dominance

61. Gendered Power Dynamics
Belief of man as breadwinner does not match reality
Dyson - Black men may feel threatened by successful black women

62. Gendered Power Dynamics
People who adhere to traditional views likely to experience decrease in self-esteem and marital satisfaction

63. Gendered Power Dynamics
Men whose fathers were involved at home see homemaking as compatible with masculinity
Women and men who had mothers who were in workplace see career success as consistent with femininity

64. Gendered Power Dynamics
Belief men have more power reflected in distribution of labor in home
Majority of families have two wage earners, housework and care of children done primarily by women

65. Gendered Power Dynamics
Hochschild – second shift
Wives employed outside home have second shift job in home
Read an excerpt from this book at

66. Gendered Power Dynamics
1960s and earlier – few men did much to care for home and children
Mid-1970s-mid-1980s – men’s contributions increased and stagnated
Second wave of feminism active in America

67. Gendered Power Dynamics
Women do work that is more taxing and less gratifying
Men’s contributions more sporadic
Women’s tasks more repetitive and constrained by deadlines
Women more likely to multi-task

68. Gendered Power Dynamics
Mothers constantly on duty
Fathers volunteer for irregular and fun child-care activities

69. Gendered Power Dynamics
Mothers have more responsibility for psychological responsibility
Remembering, planning, making sure things get done

70. Gendered Power Dynamics
Consequences of second shift
Women stressed, fatigued, susceptible to illness
Similar stress found in single fathers
Frustration, resentment, conflict

71. Gendered Power Dynamics
Masculine individuals use more unilateral strategies to engage in and avoid conflicts
Issue ultimatums, refuse to listen, assert partner blowing things out of proportion

72. Gendered Power Dynamics
Feminine individuals defer or compromise
Employ indirect strategies
Tension less pronounced in lesbian relationships
Power struggles common for gay partners

73. Gendered Power Dynamics
Gendered power dynamics underlie violence and abuse
Violence cuts across race, ethnic and class lines
Violence inflicted primarily by men
High degree of violence in dating relationships