Presentation on theme: "Chapter 7: Love and Happiness in Intimate Relationships"— Presentation transcript:
1Chapter 7: Love and Happiness in Intimate Relationships
2Upstate Myths about Love Love is a feeling. Popular songs. “When that loving feeling wears off, then a couple will find out whether they can make it as a couple”Love is the key to happiness. Find love and you will be happyLove is like falling, when it happens you can’t help itSexual chemistry is loveTrue love conquers all.
3Are you the one for me? Theories relating mate selection to the past: UpstateAre you the one for me? Theories relating mate selection to the past:Re-creation of _________ experienceComplete ________________ left over from childhoodSome research on the subject—Helen FisherExplorers prefer explorersBuilders prefer buildersDirectors prefer negotiatorsNegotiators prefer directors
4Upstate Mate selection as a filtering process: More research The Propinquity FilterThe Attractiveness FilterThe Similarity FilterThe Compatibility FilterThe Cohabitation Filter
5Mistakes People make on the Road to Marriage UpstateMistakes People make on the Road to MarriageStaying in a relationship without asking enough questionsWarning signs are ignored. Decisions are based on emotion rather than reason and intellectCompromising your beliefs and value systemAttraction and sexual desire blind youUnduly influenced by outside pressureLoneliness and a sense of emptinessAvoiding an important issue or situation
6Upstate Kinds of Love Passionate love - Relatively new type of love; replaced contract arrangements.Musical – Fiddler on the RoofIntensity of passionate love will ____Companionate love -Sharing intimate experiences, friendship.
7Sternberg: Triangular Model of Love UpstateSternberg: Triangular Model of LoveMany aspects of love are made up of three related components: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment.IntimacyPassionCommitment
8Upstate Combinations of Love In Sternberg’s model - possible for a relationship to exist with one component,a combination of two components,or all three componentsDifferent combinations result in different types of loving relationships. Example:________ + _______= romantic love
9Intimacy + Passion = Romantic Love UpstateIntimacy + Passion = Romantic LoveStrong physiological arousal + sharing of one’s self, which results in intimacyMoviesPhysical/emotional attraction + familiarity without ____________________.
10Passion + Commitment = ______ Love UpstatePassion + Commitment = ______ LovePassion + decision to be togetherDevelops without experiences that build _______Developing intimacy takes time.Short-lived, often due to ____________Whirlwind courtship/marriage without shared beliefsSometimes called _______ love.
11Intimacy + Commitment = ____________ Love UpstateIntimacy + Commitment = ____________ LoveDeep friendship and strong desire to be togetherWhen passion wanes, partners discoverwhether there is enough friendship and commitment to make the relationship lastThe ingredients of most ______ relationships.
12Consummate Love = Intimacy + Passion + Commitment Sternberg believes it is difficult to maintainNo guarantees that consummate love will continueIt may fade, with its disappearance becoming evident only after it is almost goneCouples must _____ to maintain it.
13Upstate Intimacy Consummate Love = Intimacy + Passion + Commitment Intimacy Alone = Liking or FriendshipIntimacyRomantic Love =Intimacy + PassionCompanionate Love =Intimacy + CommitmentConsummate Love = Intimacy + Passion + CommitmentCommitmentPassionPassion Alone =InfatuationFatuous Love =Passion + CommitmentFoolish LoveCommitment Alone =Empty Love
14Upstate A Closer Look at … Commitment Doherty – consumer marriages Scott Stanley – types of commitment- _________ commitment (+) gain- _________ commitment (-) loss_______Block’s observation- Tasks for husbands – listen, contact and share _______, don’t always try to _____ problem, try not to _________- Tasks for wives – understand husbands difficulty with_______, address issues _____.
15Scott Peck’s Definition of Love: Extending One’s Self UpstateScott Peck’s Definition of Love: Extending One’s SelfLove - the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of ________ one’s own or another’s growthWords to examine – purpose, growth, extend self, will.
16Upstate Love - not falling in love What Love is Not . . .Love - not falling in loveRomantic love is something we fall into and does not require conscious choicePeck suspects that RL is a part of our genetic makeup which motivates sexual behavior for the survival of the species.
17Upstate Love - not based on __________ The statement, “I could not live without him/her” reflects parasitism not loveWhen dependency needs are dominant, relationship based on __________;may superficially look loving but _____Peck believes “two people love each otheronly when they are quite capable of living without each other, but ______ to live together.
18UpstateSelf sacrifice/excessive ________ is not necessarily love. The parent who gives everything and overprotects does not nurture maturity and growth, but rather infantilism/__________Love is not just giving, but the strength to say no when giving is inappropriate. Teaching ____________ is sometimes more loving than nurturing dependenceDifficult decision-making is involved to determine when to give and when to withhold.
19Upstate Peck believes - a loving person makes decision to behave in loving ways even when there is no loving ______ presentRomantic love will fadeThen couples determine whether relationship can be built on genuine loveWhen partners no longer always feel like being in each other’s company thentheir love will be tested.
20Upstate Peck: What Love Is . . . Love is purposeful – growth Willful – conscious choice to behave in loving waysExtend self. This is not always easy - it is _______. It involves ____. Thus love requires ____.The work of love requires overcoming _______What is this work of love that causes us and the “other” to grow?
21Upstate1) Requires a conscious decision to set aside time and energy to _________________ to the one we love 2) Fundamental way of attending is _________Listening reflects love - is crucial to marriageTrue listening in marriage is so difficult and takes so much energythat couples need to schedule _____ to be together just for listening.
22UpstateThe work of love requires _______; involves risk. Taking the risk has potential for great painIf you avoid all risk to avoid pain, you deprive yourself of the potential for great joyThus, the courage to risk is inevitable if one is to marry and have childrenAs we risk ourselves in relationships, we make a ___________Love requires ___________The level of our commitment is the most important factor assuring the relationship.
23UpstatePeck believes “commitment is inherent in any loving relationship”In family, as one attempts to nurture another’s growth you can do so onlyif there is the expectation that the relationship will continue, will be there even after strugglePeck states, “couples cannot resolve in any healthy way the universal issues of marriagewithout the security of knowing thatthe fact of struggling over these issues will not itself destroy the relationship.”
24Upstate The work of love also requires ___________- makes distinction between “self” and “other”Thus, mature love respects and encourages separateness/individualityRequires courage since the spouse or child may develop in ways previously __________Remember that mature love is the will to extend one’s self to nurture growtheven if that growth leads to unimagined places.
25Family Love (esp. with children) UpstateFamily Love (esp. with children)Burr, Day, Bahr1) Oriented toward fostering the growth of _____2) Emphasizes ____________ and action over feelings and sentiment3) Is ____________4) Is ________
26Harville Hendrix and the Conscious Marriage: What love is. UpstateHarville Hendrix and the Conscious Marriage: What love is.Choose someone like our caretakers who we expect to love us as caretakers never didThen he/she fails us, opens old ______ and irritates us as parents didYet, this person, our Imago ______, has potential to help us growBut journey toward healing is hard - power struggleMust get beyond power struggle.Conscious marriage: You mustRealize that you help each other ___________This understanding is based on valuing and respectGive up self-centered attitude and give each other unconditional loveEach partner must grow in this process